Old 10-18-2012, 06:14 PM   #1
gagginforit
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Once Upon a Time in Darkness

Hello. I wrote this a long time ago. I've dug it out because I've found a place that hosts open mic poetry readings and I'd like to give it a shot. Is it worth reading, or is it just painfully awful?



What it is
is what it always has been
And what it was
is what it always shall be

Where is it from?
Nowwhere
Here
The universe
Infinity

How old is it?
How old is time?

These woods
these black ashes
and these dark pines
Hide it when it is here
Shroud it as it seethers
As it hungers
As it waits

Chained by a law long bidden
and long opposed
It waits

Many names we give to thee
Many stories and legends we write
And many names you have for us
Your nemesis
Your prey
Your lust

Behold
one of us comes
He comes to these woods for reasons of his own
Reasons which you know not
Nor care for

He seeks
yes
but not for you
He flees
but not from you
He fears
but not of you

He is young
He knows not
of the evil
that is you

He seeks you not
but he will surely find you
As will he surely flee you
And as he will most surely fear you

Behold
He comes

He approaches a tree
A rotten husk that draws his love lost eyes
A tree of which you know
A tree
beneath which he will lie
From which he will never leave
For his wandering is over

As he settles beneath it
finally
Thou art released
His vision fades
His life dims

You feed

He will rise again
And he will try to start anew
But this time he will not be himself
He cannot
For he
Is now you
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Old 10-19-2012, 12:41 AM   #2
Tzara
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gagginforit View Post
Hello. I wrote this a long time ago. I've dug it out because I've found a place that hosts open mic poetry readings and I'd like to give it a shot. Is it worth reading, or is it just painfully awful?



What it is
is what it always has been
And what it was
is what it always shall be

Where is it from?
Nowwhere
Here
The universe
Infinity

How old is it?
How old is time?

These woods
these black ashes
and these dark pines
Hide it when it is here
Shroud it as it seethers
As it hungers
As it waits

Chained by a law long bidden
and long opposed
It waits

Many names we give to thee
Many stories and legends we write
And many names you have for us
Your nemesis
Your prey
Your lust

Behold
one of us comes
He comes to these woods for reasons of his own
Reasons which you know not
Nor care for

He seeks
yes
but not for you
He flees
but not from you
He fears
but not of you

He is young
He knows not
of the evil
that is you

He seeks you not
but he will surely find you
As will he surely flee you
And as he will most surely fear you

Behold
He comes

He approaches a tree
A rotten husk that draws his love lost eyes
A tree of which you know
A tree
beneath which he will lie
From which he will never leave
For his wandering is over

As he settles beneath it
finally
Thou art released
His vision fades
His life dims

You feed

He will rise again
And he will try to start anew
But this time he will not be himself
He cannot
For he
Is now you
Just keep in mind that I do not do open mic, and would frankly be terrified by it. We have had some people here who have done slam, but they don't seem to be around at the moment.

I'll say what I dislike about the poem first. I'm not at all sure what it's about, what you are trying to say. And you use the word "it" (not a good word for a poem, due to the indefinite reference it implies) way, way too much for my taste. Poems want images, not statements. You want to paint your meaning, not lecture it.

Having said that, my impression (which is simply impression, as I have never attended an open mic event) is that the speaker's dramatic interpretation of the poem at open mic is very important as to how it is received. More important, perhaps, than the quality of the poem.

Again, impression.

I'd say try your luck, as you seem so inclined. Pay attention to the audience reaction and revise accordingly. Try to get some input from the other poets.

Have a good time, in any case. That seems to be the point of it, does it not?

And good luck.
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Old 10-19-2012, 09:58 AM   #3
twelveoone
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzara View Post
and would frankly be terrified by it.

I'll say what I dislike about the poem first. I'm not at all sure what it's about, what you are trying to say. And you use the word "it" (not a good word for a poem, due to the indefinite reference it implies) way, way too much for my taste.

Again, impression.

I'd say try your luck, as you seem so inclined. Pay attention to the audience reaction and revise accordingly. Try to get some input from the other poets.

Have a good time, in any case. That seems to be the point of it, does it not?

And good luck.
have you not read marvel

comics, man? that's ITT

it kind of works in its context, the audience is key, how are they going to react to it, because you might have a poet in it, and he's going to say fuck it

the material is not that strong, here is a piece of advice i gave elsewhere:

let me put to you another way, if you took all the collected talent from literotica and lumped it all together, you maybe would have the talent 4 or 5 of the greats, Frost, Eliot, whatever...now if you took 5 of the all time greatest poets and lumped them together...you wind up with Christopher Walken ...

Christopher Walken is the answer...

find his monologues from the movies, the watch, 17 ways to tell a liar, notice how he always keeps off center


the internet is a wonderful thing, use it


...any questions?

i thought so...

you're learning
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Old 10-19-2012, 11:35 AM   #4
twelveoone
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http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=416152
here is an old thread, maybe of interest
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Old 10-19-2012, 01:56 PM   #5
butters
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twelveoone View Post
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=416152
here is an old thread, maybe of interest
good link, 12er; and it makes me happy to see there are more poem-whisperers out there
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Old 10-27-2012, 03:23 AM   #6
yadhu20
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quotes

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing".
“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”
http://www.yadhu.com/poems.html
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Old 10-27-2012, 03:15 PM   #7
champagne1982
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yadhu20 View Post
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing".
“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”
Link removed by champagne1982 to get this message across
Might I suggest you edit your signature to include that link? Web pages which are external to Literotica are not really supposed to be included in a post. K? Thanks.
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Old 10-27-2012, 03:20 PM   #8
PandoraGlitters
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Originally Posted by champagne1982 View Post
Might I suggest you edit your signature to include that link? Web pages which are external to Literotica are not really supposed to be included in a post. K? Thanks.
thanks for the reminder, Champy.
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Old 11-12-2012, 03:15 PM   #9
PandoraGlitters
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thanks for the reminder, Champy.
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