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Old 10-16-2012, 03:32 PM   #1
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I come seeking understanding.....

I'm still somewhat new to this site and this is my first visit to this particular section. But I was directed here by others in hopes of finding some understanding.
This morning, I watched 'The Story of 'O'.' My first and most natural reaction was a strong aversion to the subject matter. But to be honest, I was a tiny bit turned on. Upon realizing this, I at once felt ashamed and thought I must be sick in the head to find such a thing appealing. All sorts of reactionary, judging thoughts crossed my mind. I honestly don't understand the appeal, but I want to. I've always been taught that pain is for punishment, as a deterrent for inappropriate behavior. I don't understand how pain can be pleasing or why someone would want to hurt a person they claim to love. I have no experience with this and no this isn't a troll topic. I want to learn and understand. I just felt safe coming here to look for it. If anyone has any useful links or book suggestions, even personal experiences....it would be appreciated greatly. Thank you for reading.
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Old 10-16-2012, 04:15 PM   #2
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For some people, masochism is simply biochemical... For example, the same hormone that sends pain signals to the brain (oxytocin), also triggers orgasms, is vital for breast feeding, and is essential to trigger labor.

The other factor is emotional/psychological... If one combines feelings of pleasure with slowly escalating discomfort, the mind may learn to associate the two.
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Old 10-16-2012, 04:56 PM   #3
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I like to feel pain on my skin because it feels good to me. I know that seems wrong, but there you have it. Even when I'm shrieking and struggling to get away, it's a pleasure.

I like to give pain to people who want it, because I know I am giving them something they want, and also-- the shrieking and struggling looks very much like sex. In fact-- in that context-- it is sex... with more sex organs happening.
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Old 10-16-2012, 05:35 PM   #4
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You'll probably find as many explanations as there are people who visit this forum. One thought I encourage you to reject simply because it isn't true is that those of us who do this are broken in some way. It's a popular concept-- Shades of Grey's hero is an abused child, Secretary's heroine is a cutter due to family/emotional issues. That said: Please don't treat yourself harshly because you found the story exciting... you are not sick in the head.

I'm trying to put my personal thoughts on the matter in here in some way... and struggling to find the words. When I do... I'll post again.
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Old 10-16-2012, 07:40 PM   #5
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no, not all BDSMers are broken in some way.

but some of us are, and for some BDSM is a way cope/ flourish. that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing either.
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Old 10-16-2012, 07:59 PM   #6
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Neat Pain

While most of the pain in Story of "O" is fairly sever, pain (even hard pain) can be enjoyable for some.

Yes, there some trained pain-sluts who have been conditioned (like Pavlov's dogs) to cum fast when pain starts. That's how they stop it being painful.

And there are some masochists who truly get off on pain as pain, and challenge themselves to take as much pain as possible. They want to feel it!

Some people can slip into "sub-space" and just disconnect from the pain being administered to their bodies. They use pain as a tool to get to subspace where they can float in (a kind of) pleasure.


But many can use pain as sexual stimulation. An ex would talk about "neat pain" -- when she was turned on, sensations that would register as pain instead just made her hornier.

Two things make this work:

First, expect to be aroused.
The things done to me are turn-ons, and I expect them to help build my arousal. Tying me up doesn't hurt, but the idea that I can't avoid the pain that's coming is a turn on. I let struggling be a turn-on instead of rage. I convert fear to tingles in my tummy, tightness in my throat, shallow breathing, fluttering pulse -- the signs that my body is being aroused.
Second, start gentle and ramp up.
"Pain" should build in concert with arousal so that it continues to be perceived as arousal. As arousal builds, the level of endorphins (the body's natural pain killers) increase. Increased pain won't hurt -- it's sexual stimulation that will actually push into orgasm.
You're off to a good start. You watched and found yourself getting aroused, and your head's in the right place for "neat pain".

Last edited by OnceFuturePoly : 10-16-2012 at 08:06 PM.
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Old 10-16-2012, 08:30 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stag of Oberon View Post
no, not all BDSMers are broken in some way.

but some of us are, and for some BDSM is a way cope/ flourish. that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing either.
Stag of Oberon:

I consider myself to be in the broken category, and I do find it a way to both cope and flourish... and I don't think it's bad thing. It's just that, very often, people who are just discovering this do make that assumption= that everyone is the same in a group.

I suspect we could say of any group of people who share a common interest that some are broken, and find what they do a way to cope/flourish. I certainly don't mean to imply that this is a bad thing.
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Old 10-16-2012, 08:53 PM   #8
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Following up with my earlier post on my personal thoughts...

In some ways, this question is like asking a man who's deeply into blondes why he likes blondes... or a straight person why they aren't gay. (The reverse of the second question is all too frequent) These people don't spend hours analyzing why... they accept that it just is...

That said...

For a variety of reasons, I find I am a submissive. The reality is that pain play excites me on both mental and physical planes. I find that I cannot separate the two.

I truly enjoy serving my ddh. I get turned on by accepting the pain he has to give me on a mental level. I like feeling out of control, and completely in his power. I enjoy the sensation of knowing I'm not making decisions or choices about what's going to happen and how long it takes. I suspect, part of the reason he likes to hurt me is as he said, "Just because I like it, and you can't talk me into overanalyzing it".

On a physical level... it feels good. Not all pain feels good, ie, sprained ankle, etc., but as Stella wrote "it's a pleasure". All sensation becomes focused for me, both sexually and at a certain point into sub-space and I just like it.

That's my pathetic attempt at an answer...
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Old 10-16-2012, 08:58 PM   #9
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I'm curious. Why, with a username like kinkymuse, does this concept seem so foreign to you? You found your way here and I'm also wondering what exactly do you feel is kinky? To some vanilla people having other than missionary sex would be kinky. This is all kind of like being in the eye of the beholder. It is not really that uncommon to have such fantasies or maybe I should say realities. Sometimes it is just the matter of the degree to which it occurs may determine how "kinky" you feel an activity to be.
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Old 10-16-2012, 09:23 PM   #10
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There's a lot of pain-free kink out there. No need to take it personally, they mean no harm by it.
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Old 10-17-2012, 08:43 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by subwannabe View Post
I'm curious. Why, with a username like kinkymuse, does this concept seem so foreign to you? You found your way here and I'm also wondering what exactly do you feel is kinky? To some vanilla people having other than missionary sex would be kinky. This is all kind of like being in the eye of the beholder. It is not really that uncommon to have such fantasies or maybe I should say realities. Sometimes it is just the matter of the degree to which it occurs may determine how "kinky" you feel an activity to be.
When I said 'kinky', it wasn't regard to anything sexual. It was a personal reverence to my rebellious hair. It's always kinky, as in frizzy, springy, or just plain out of control.
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Old 10-17-2012, 08:46 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by OnceFuturePoly View Post
While most of the pain in Story of "O" is fairly sever, pain (even hard pain) can be enjoyable for some.

Yes, there some trained pain-sluts who have been conditioned (like Pavlov's dogs) to cum fast when pain starts. That's how they stop it being painful.

And there are some masochists who truly get off on pain as pain, and challenge themselves to take as much pain as possible. They want to feel it!

Some people can slip into "sub-space" and just disconnect from the pain being administered to their bodies. They use pain as a tool to get to subspace where they can float in (a kind of) pleasure.


But many can use pain as sexual stimulation. An ex would talk about "neat pain" -- when she was turned on, sensations that would register as pain instead just made her hornier.

Two things make this work:

First, expect to be aroused.
The things done to me are turn-ons, and I expect them to help build my arousal. Tying me up doesn't hurt, but the idea that I can't avoid the pain that's coming is a turn on. I let struggling be a turn-on instead of rage. I convert fear to tingles in my tummy, tightness in my throat, shallow breathing, fluttering pulse -- the signs that my body is being aroused.
Second, start gentle and ramp up.
"Pain" should build in concert with arousal so that it continues to be perceived as arousal. As arousal builds, the level of endorphins (the body's natural pain killers) increase. Increased pain won't hurt -- it's sexual stimulation that will actually push into orgasm.
You're off to a good start. You watched and found yourself getting aroused, and your head's in the right place for "neat pain".

It was so strange to me. The parts where she was receiving pain I wasn't too keen on. But in that one scene where she was allowed to harm that other girl I got truly excited. I feel bad for feeling that way and know it's not right to want to harm anyone for whatever reason. But I want to understand it.
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Old 10-17-2012, 08:56 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KinkyMuse View Post
It was so strange to me. The parts where she was receiving pain I wasn't too keen on. But in that one scene where she was allowed to harm that other girl I got truly excited. I feel bad for feeling that way and know it's not right to want to harm anyone for whatever reason. But I want to understand it.
LOL! That sounds like you might be a little bit on *my* side of the S/m equation - sadism.

Be aware, too, that not all sadism requires the infliction of physical pain. For example, it can be sadistic in nature to quietly say something to a partner that causes him/her to blush, or that you know arouses them severely, especially if you also know that they can't *do* anything about that arousal, at least for some time.

You might want to explore that possibility in your mind...

Also, of course, BDSM is not *just* S/m. BD = Bondage and discipline; D/s = Dominance/submission; S/m = Sadism/masochism. Most people who admit (to themselves) that they are somewhere on that spectrum find that they are some combination of traits, and that there is quite frequently some overlap between the three major groupings.
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Old 10-17-2012, 08:59 AM   #14
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I can sympathize with most of the posts so far...and this by far is the most interesting thread i've read in a long time...THANK OP!

I am on the enjoying giving pain. I remember a girl I liked to spank one time just asked me in a very sober moment..."Do you just hate women?". Of course I dont hate women was my initial thought. That question made me think over the next 15 years.

I do not enjoy hurting men, emotionally or physically. What is it about my need/desire to see a woman suffer for me. I am far from a conclusion, however I do know that it is the "for me" part that is the most important. The fact that a woman willingly puts herself in a position to submit to the harsh treatment I enjoy dishing out and perverted sexual adventures, is very intimate to me. The jury is still out if I am "broken" or not, but I am comfortable in my skin at this point.

Can anyone sympathize, either subs or Doms?
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Old 10-17-2012, 01:06 PM   #15
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Oh. That explains it. I guess there is more than one kind of kinky. Guess I'm just a dirty old man.
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Old 10-17-2012, 01:14 PM   #16
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Quote:
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It was so strange to me. The parts where she was receiving pain I wasn't too keen on. But in that one scene where she was allowed to harm that other girl I got truly excited. I feel bad for feeling that way and know it's not right to want to harm anyone for whatever reason. But I want to understand it.
*wicked chuckle*
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Old 10-17-2012, 01:25 PM   #17
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*wicked chuckle*
What? Please tell me why you're amused. I want to understand.
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Old 10-17-2012, 03:35 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KinkyMuse View Post
When I said 'kinky', it wasn't regard to anything sexual. It was a personal reverence to my rebellious hair. It's always kinky, as in frizzy, springy, or just plain out of control.
so you might just as well be frizzy muse, but kinky has sexual connotations, so for an erotic literature website, you went with that?

If I posted as Stag of Oberon on a furry website, I'm sure I'd mislead them as well.

You name is fine.
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Old 10-17-2012, 03:37 PM   #19
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Quote:
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What? Please tell me why you're amused. I want to understand.

She's a sadist too. & a lot masochist as well.

Her amusement is pretty well explained here:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir_Winston54 View Post
LOL! That sounds like you might be a little bit on *my* side of the S/m equation - sadism.

Be aware, too, that not all sadism requires the infliction of physical pain. For example, it can be sadistic in nature to quietly say something to a partner that causes him/her to blush, or that you know arouses them severely, especially if you also know that they can't *do* anything about that arousal, at least for some time.

You might want to explore that possibility in your mind...

Also, of course, BDSM is not *just* S/m. BD = Bondage and discipline; D/s = Dominance/submission; S/m = Sadism/masochism. Most people who admit (to themselves) that they are somewhere on that spectrum find that they are some combination of traits, and that there is quite frequently some overlap between the three major groupings.
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Old 10-17-2012, 03:44 PM   #20
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I don't believe that SM or sexualized pain is pleasurable for everybody, but I do think that damn near everybody has the capability to enjoy some pain, including all the tops/Dominants who can't never wouldn't and blah - they too have some insight because we all do.

It's in the scientific data, it's coming in all the time. You like that soreness the day after you work out? Someone likes being sore after sex, so what. You like that backpacking trip you took where you just wanted to cry a mile from the summit? Someone else wants that feeling from sex, so what. You sober up and focus when you're slapped in the face - just about everyone does - some people like that in their sexual life.

This is the last pain context that will be studied calmly and rationally, because sex freaks us out.
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Old 10-18-2012, 09:25 AM   #21
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It was so strange to me. The parts where she was receiving pain I wasn't too keen on. But in that one scene where she was allowed to harm that other girl I got truly excited. I feel bad for feeling that way and know it's not right to want to harm anyone for whatever reason. But I want to understand it.
What's wrong with hurting someone who wants to be hurt?

Within reason, of course. I wouldn't advocate that position for a suicidal person, for instance. But I've been through the same internal debate you're currently going through, the incessant self questioning, the worry that you're somehow wrong to enjoy the pain, or inflicting pain on others. A lot of the stuff that turned me on seemed to me to be rape, until I realized it didn't have to be. When I met my first kinky girl it began to dawn on me that consent really does change the nature of the game.

In the end I decided I'm not going to feel bad for my desires; so long as I keep them between myself and a group of people that consent to my airing them, it's really never going to be an issue that affects the real world, so... why feel guilty over what I can't help?
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Old 02-14-2013, 12:47 AM   #22
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Oh. That explains it. I guess there is more than one kind of kinky. Guess I'm just a dirty old man.
I would say you are a dirty and nasty old man. Do you still have the flakey skin falling off your dong from the jungle rot? I don't think ladys would find that sexy or kinky at all.

NOW THAT'S A TWIST.
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Old 02-14-2013, 03:44 AM   #23
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I would say you are a dirty and nasty old man. Do you still have the flakey skin falling off your dong from the jungle rot? I don't think ladys would find that sexy or kinky at all.

NOW THAT'S A TWIST.
Okay, you're stalking the guy all over all the forums like a chirping little birdie, picking at the turdies.

I'm glad you have found your purpose in life.
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Old 02-15-2013, 11:50 PM   #24
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I see that this is a semi-old thread, but before I noticed the dates I was reading, and thinking, and... yeah.

In my mind I'm a masochist. In real life, so far, I'm a very cautious semi-masochist. But *why* do I like the pain? Have you ever had sex where it felt like just going through the motions, no passion, no urgency? That's why I like the pain. With my last gf, when we were making out and she would bite my lip hard enough that there was actually a bit of pain, it made me feel like this was *hot*. Like she *wanted* me, like suddenly our kissing-and-fondling had stepped up a bit. Same thing when she pulled my hair or bit my ear... It made me feel closer to her, to the moment, made whatever we were doing that much more *real*. And maybe that's just an over-explanatory way of saying it aroused me, I don't know. But it wasn't purely arousal, it was... deeper.
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