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Old 10-15-2012, 03:13 PM   #451
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I understand your pain is the best way to put it. I suffer from PTSD, can't sleep, Depression, and a some other crap as I chose to call it. Hang in there and if you need some one to talk to you can me as I can also use someone to talk about what is going on with me.
I don't know how to respond to this...

Thank you?

Most of my struggle with PTSD is in the past now, however a big part of it was feelings of inadequacy. How dare I get so fucked up over a domestic issue. When police drove by I used to flash back to being arrested after being assaulted, & being tricked into talking when I shouldn't have. When my upstairs neighbors at the time would fight (as they often did) I would flashback to *her* screaming & throwing things at me.

I had one flashback that was simple in it's horror. I was having a milkshake after a tooth extraction, & *she* was laughing at me while I spilled it all over myself. There is nothing unpleasant about that at all. I don't even know for sure if that's really a memory, but it's the only memory I now have of the 12 hours following that tooth extraction, during which *she* took advantage of me.

Someone told me something unfortunate that stuck with me; "real men flashback to explosions & people dying."

My pathetic ass had coldsweats & nasuea to a flashback of a milkshake & *her* laughing, and oh how terrible it was to have to learn to enjoy milkshakes again...

As i said though, I haven't had trouble with PTSD in quite a while now, lately it's just depression, & relatively mild at that, it would be downright manageable if I were getting enough sleep.
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Old 10-15-2012, 06:30 PM   #452
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all those years of verbal abuse from my father & the closest thing to a flashback I ever had was sometimes being able to clearly hear his voice at night... asking my mother if i'm stupid.

I think it's because I never trusted him, unlike *her*, who I foolishly wanted to trust long after I should have.
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Old 10-15-2012, 06:45 PM   #453
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I don't know how to respond to this...

Thank you?

Most of my struggle with PTSD is in the past now, however a big part of it was feelings of inadequacy. How dare I get so fucked up over a domestic issue. When police drove by I used to flash back to being arrested after being assaulted, & being tricked into talking when I shouldn't have. When my upstairs neighbors at the time would fight (as they often did) I would flashback to *her* screaming & throwing things at me.

I had one flashback that was simple in it's horror. I was having a milkshake after a tooth extraction, & *she* was laughing at me while I spilled it all over myself. There is nothing unpleasant about that at all. I don't even know for sure if that's really a memory, but it's the only memory I now have of the 12 hours following that tooth extraction, during which *she* took advantage of me.

Someone told me something unfortunate that stuck with me; "real men flashback to explosions & people dying."

My pathetic ass had coldsweats & nasuea to a flashback of a milkshake & *her* laughing, and oh how terrible it was to have to learn to enjoy milkshakes again...

As i said though, I haven't had trouble with PTSD in quite a while now, lately it's just depression, & relatively mild at that, it would be downright manageable if I were getting enough sleep.
PTSD is PTSD for you what ever caused it for you. It was traumatic enough to be PTSD. Fuck whoever said what they said to you about the real men. AS for the Depression and sleep I get If I sleep 4 hours i'm doing good these days. Have you tired going to the doctor for sleep meds? Sometimes lifestyle changes can help. Cut back on caffeine, exercise in the morning, eat healthier etc.. research some stuff talk to your Doctor. Try some herbal teas fro sleep with melatonin in it it helps me some. I'm seeing a Social worker, A Psyc PA and taking a variety of meds plus doing lots of other stuff to try to return to a somewhat normal life once again. I hope you can work through this too before it becomes a larger issue.
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Old 10-15-2012, 09:11 PM   #454
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my past experience with sleep meds was that they dont help one get to sleep, they prevent you from waking before you're fully rested. I once slept in (through phone calls ect) 5 hours into a work shift because of a sleep med. My boss wound up asking for a doctors note to prove medical reasons, because the policy was 2 hours late without contact required proof of unusual circumstances (like a car accident) or termination. I had to discontinue the sleep meds because I simply didn't have space in my schedule to sleep all day on a regular basis, & withdrawls sucked.

herbal teas might be a good route for me.

There were a couple energy drinks with an ingredient which I react paradoxically to; they knock me right out. I actually fell asleep at work, standing up, in a walk in refrigerator, because of an energy drink. They also give me a splitting headache though.

i dont remember if it was ginseing or ginko, or perhaps the combination.

excercise in the morning is one that i've been trying hard to get off my butt for. The only time I seem to have the energy to do so, however, is on the very rare occasion I'm allowed to sleep in, at which point it's not really morning anymore.
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Old 10-15-2012, 09:58 PM   #455
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Delayed sleep phase syndrome - kind of an answer for a lot of things around here.

Basically this means that once upon a time there were 3rd shifts and jobs as the night watchman or town crier for people who have this. Some of us just ARE night people, end of story.

Now, as people have to FORCE themselves onto schedules unnatural for their bodies, they discover that this creates all kinds of mental stuff. Mental stuff is then diagnosed as mental stuff, the sleep issues are still unaddressed, and the failed meds pile up. Common syndromes to coincide are ADD, OCD, depression.

Unfortunately, the answer is to either roll back sleep very gradually, have PERFECT sleep hygiene every night forever, or find a way to monetize yourself by night.
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Old 10-15-2012, 10:19 PM   #456
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sleep hygiene... what a perfect description for what I lack.
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Old 10-15-2012, 10:31 PM   #457
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sleep hygiene... what a perfect description for what I lack.
It's really hard - I'm not the one with the major issues and I still find it hard. It's not like dieting, which is easy by comparison, a slip up can really consign you to "start" again. BUT - I think that just realizing it's hard and that imperfect compliance is temporary setback helps. It's not like "wow this should be easy" - it's possibly as much to ask as it is to ask everyone else to do 4-4 shifts.
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Old 10-15-2012, 10:50 PM   #458
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Delayed sleep phase syndrome - kind of an answer for a lot of things around here.

Basically this means that once upon a time there were 3rd shifts and jobs as the night watchman or town crier for people who have this. Some of us just ARE night people, end of story.

Now, as people have to FORCE themselves onto schedules unnatural for their bodies, they discover that this creates all kinds of mental stuff. Mental stuff is then diagnosed as mental stuff, the sleep issues are still unaddressed, and the failed meds pile up. Common syndromes to coincide are ADD, OCD, depression.

Unfortunately, the answer is to either roll back sleep very gradually, have PERFECT sleep hygiene every night forever, or find a way to monetize yourself by night.
Yep. According to the research I've read, it's really goddamn hard to alter your sleep schedule permanently when you genuinely have things like Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder or, even worse, Non-24 Hour Sleep-Wake Disorder. I dunno if I qualify for DSP Disorder, but I've got plenty of the symptoms, including the "Fuck it, I'll just stay up all day today since it's already 10 am, and then I'll lay down around 6 this evening and sleep for 18 hours" symptom.

So much mental stuff is tied to fuck-ups of the sleep/wake cycle. Me, I sleep too much, and I'm depressed. I don't sleep enough, and I'm manic. Am I depressed because I slept too much, or do I sleep too much because I'm depressed? Chicken, egg, ad nauseam.
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Old 10-16-2012, 12:14 AM   #459
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"Fuck it, I'll just stay up all day today since it's already 10 am, and then I'll lay down around 6 this evening and sleep for 18 hours" symptom.
This is pretty close to what I used to do, when I had more liberty with my sleep schedule.

ofttimes on my day off I'd finally go to bed around 2 in the afternoon and wake up around 10 the next morning.

i figured out during a period of unemployment when I was younger that my internal clock seems to be set to 25 hour days. so left to my own devices I'd stay up one hour later every day, & without external pressures, my sleep schedule would just roll right over.

Attempting to reset it, however, always resulted in bigger steps, as my body seemed to push back to where it left off.
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Old 10-16-2012, 01:26 PM   #460
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my past experience with sleep meds was that they dont help one get to sleep, they prevent you from waking before you're fully rested. I once slept in (through phone calls ect) 5 hours into a work shift because of a sleep med. My boss wound up asking for a doctors note to prove medical reasons, because the policy was 2 hours late without contact required proof of unusual circumstances (like a car accident) or termination. I had to discontinue the sleep meds because I simply didn't have space in my schedule to sleep all day on a regular basis, & withdrawls sucked.

herbal teas might be a good route for me.

There were a couple energy drinks with an ingredient which I react paradoxically to; they knock me right out. I actually fell asleep at work, standing up, in a walk in refrigerator, because of an energy drink. They also give me a splitting headache though.

i dont remember if it was ginseing or ginko, or perhaps the combination.

excercise in the morning is one that i've been trying hard to get off my butt for. The only time I seem to have the energy to do so, however, is on the very rare occasion I'm allowed to sleep in, at which point it's not really morning anymore.
I hope you find your way to get some sound sleep. Some way some how at least. I fight the sleep issues too. One thing that does help me is I try to go to bed at a certain time everyday sunday through thursday night I allow myself to stay up late friday and saturday if I feel like it. By building a routine of going to bed at regular time it helps. My Doc also says if I cant sleep don't fight it if I can't sleep get hop do something productive until I get tired. The natural sleep remedies do help and can prevent the hangover effects by adjusting the dose you take. That takes some adjusting on your part, it's true with any med.
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Old 10-16-2012, 02:59 PM   #461
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yeah i generally find the worst thing i can possibly do is lay in bed when I'm not tired. Thats the perfect way for me to still be awake come daybreak, particularly if theres any depression involved... depression & insomnia seem to go hand in hand for a lot of people.

Unfortunately the second worst thing is to come out & stare at the computer, which is what i typically do. It becomes hard to find that line of "ok now is the opportune time for zz's"
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Old 10-16-2012, 05:18 PM   #462
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yeah i generally find the worst thing i can possibly do is lay in bed when I'm not tired. Thats the perfect way for me to still be awake come daybreak, particularly if theres any depression involved... depression & insomnia seem to go hand in hand for a lot of people.

Unfortunately the second worst thing is to come out & stare at the computer, which is what i typically do. It becomes hard to find that line of "ok now is the opportune time for zz's"
May I suggest doing something other than the computer then lol.
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Old 12-17-2012, 08:23 AM   #463
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Old 12-17-2012, 05:31 PM   #464
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Just for today, celebrate your efforts, not your outcomes.
yep. i have bi-polar 2 disorder. formally known as manic/depressive.
i do think this lets me do things i might not have been able to do otherwise.
this includes elements of the lifestyle.
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Old 12-17-2012, 05:48 PM   #465
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Just for today, celebrate your efforts, not your outcomes.
When I think of all the things that have happened to me as a direct result of my illness--the inability to sustain any kind of relationship, having to drop out of school, being essentially unemployable, the bouts of binge drinking, the loss of the three people I loved most in this world--I know without question that I'd give up everything else I have (which ain't much, but it's mine) to have a normal, non-disordered brain. I have destroyed my life because of it.

But if I'm to make it through this world, I can't dwell on it. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of it, but since my last med increase just before Thanksgiving, I can go whole hours without it occurring to me at all. I don't suffer any less for it, but there are, at least, gaps in the pain.

Something happened the other day to make me ask God how long He was going to keep punishing me for the same old sins. Hadn't I wanted to be forgiven? Hadn't I changed my life? Hadn't I done all I could do to set things right again?

And the answer that came back in the night was "Maybe it's not Him who is punishing me. Maybe it's me who is punishing myself...."
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Old 12-17-2012, 06:14 PM   #466
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When I think of all the things that have happened to me as a direct result of my illness--the inability to sustain any kind of relationship, having to drop out of school, being essentially unemployable, the bouts of binge drinking, the loss of the three people I loved most in this world--I know without question that I'd give up everything else I have (which ain't much, but it's mine) to have a normal, non-disordered brain. I have destroyed my life because of it.

But if I'm to make it through this world, I can't dwell on it. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of it, but since my last med increase just before Thanksgiving, I can go whole hours without it occurring to me at all. I don't suffer any less for it, but there are, at least, gaps in the pain.

Something happened the other day to make me ask God how long He was going to keep punishing me for the same old sins. Hadn't I wanted to be forgiven? Hadn't I changed my life? Hadn't I done all I could do to set things right again?

And the answer that came back in the night was "Maybe it's not Him who is punishing me. Maybe it's me who is punishing myself...."
This has the origin of a breakthrough written all over it. Please keep reading your intuitions.
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Old 12-17-2012, 07:49 PM   #467
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This has the origin of a breakthrough written all over it. Please keep reading your intuitions.
Thank you. I'll do my best.
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Old 12-17-2012, 09:44 PM   #468
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When I think of all the things that have happened to me as a direct result of my illness--the inability to sustain any kind of relationship, having to drop out of school, being essentially unemployable, the bouts of binge drinking, the loss of the three people I loved most in this world--I know without question that I'd give up everything else I have (which ain't much, but it's mine) to have a normal, non-disordered brain. I have destroyed my life because of it.

But if I'm to make it through this world, I can't dwell on it. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of it, but since my last med increase just before Thanksgiving, I can go whole hours without it occurring to me at all. I don't suffer any less for it, but there are, at least, gaps in the pain.

Something happened the other day to make me ask God how long He was going to keep punishing me for the same old sins. Hadn't I wanted to be forgiven? Hadn't I changed my life? Hadn't I done all I could do to set things right again?

And the answer that came back in the night was "Maybe it's not Him who is punishing me. Maybe it's me who is punishing myself...."
Oh good God. This is fucking beautiful.

I *heart* your brain, BB.
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Old 12-17-2012, 09:48 PM   #469
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Oh good God. This is fucking beautiful.

I *heart* your brain, BB.
Thank you.

Not altogether sure I can take the credit for that one, though.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:04 PM   #470
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Thank you.

Not altogether sure I can take the credit for that one, though.
Jack Handey????

Really??

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yep. i have bi-polar 2 disorder. formally known as manic/depressive.
i do think this lets me do things i might not have been able to do otherwise.
this includes elements of the lifestyle.
Well, that's really cool, and I wouldn't have thought of it.

I do love, though, those moments when you realize that your major weaknesses are also what give you your superpowers. I had one of these moments a few months ago. I think people call it "self-acceptance."
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:12 PM   #471
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Jack Handey????

Really??
Well, what can I say? I hang out with the coolest people.

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Well, that's really cool, and I wouldn't have thought of it.

I do love, though, those moments when you realize that your major weaknesses are also what give you your superpowers. I had one of these moments a few months ago. I think people call it "self-acceptance."
Honestly, I hate that "I can do things I never would've been able to do if I weren't crazy!" attitude, especially when I think of things I would've loved to do, had I not been crazy. All my illness has ever done for me is made me do crazy shit.

Ugh, fuck all that "Touched by Fire" bullshit. This ain't no backhanded blessing; it's a damned curse.

ETA: Pretty sure it makes other crazy people wonder just what the hell they're doing wrong that they aren't reaping great things from being batshit, too.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:30 PM   #472
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Well, what can I say? I hang out with the coolest people.



Honestly, I hate that "I can do things I never would've been able to do if I weren't crazy!" attitude, especially when I think of things I would've loved to do, had I not been crazy. All my illness has ever done for me is made me do crazy shit.

Ugh, fuck all that "Touched by Fire" bullshit. This ain't no backhanded blessing; it's a damned curse.

ETA: Pretty sure it makes other crazy people wonder just what the hell they're doing wrong that they aren't reaping great things from being batshit, too.
Well, point taken. Disease is disease, and the cruelest thing I regularly hear is uttered to people who have close family or friends die: this is part of the plan, or it was his time, or some variation thereof.

Shit is shit, and trying to convince someone that it's Ben and Jerry's Phish Food is just absurd, and mean.

However, While not the same thing exactly, I do think that the things that have held me back, or made me odd, also contain a lot of what makes me great, or weird. I dunno if I'd classify them as mental illness, but they're definitely fucked up.

Maybe it's a matter of degree. What do you think? Are there no seeds of what make you fucked up that also make you uber bunny? Nothing??
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:39 PM   #473
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Well, point taken. Disease is disease, and the cruelest thing I regularly hear is uttered to people who have close family or friends die: this is part of the plan, or it was his time, or some variation thereof.

Shit is shit, and trying to convince someone that it's Ben and Jerry's Phish Food is just absurd, and mean.
Yep. Makes me stabby.

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However, While not the same thing exactly, I do think that the things that have held me back, or made me odd, also contain a lot of what makes me great, or weird. I dunno if I'd classify them as mental illness, but they're definitely fucked up.

Maybe it's a matter of degree. What do you think? Are there no seeds of what make you fucked up that also make you uber bunny? Nothing??
I'm not sure. I think trying to sort out what is Bunny and what is the demon that shares Bunny's head is a lifelong process. I don't know that I'll ever know for sure.

I have a perspective that people who didn't have a complete psychotic break at the age of 26 don't have. On the other hand, I'm not sure if that's anything to write home about.

Maybe my superpower is the ability to see the cloudy wrapping around every lump of silver. All hail Captain Pessimism!
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As a dreamer of dreams and a traveling Bun,
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Read dozens of books
About heroes and crooks
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:41 PM   #474
marieR19
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This time last year (in fact, right down to the day) I was in the mental hospital. Suicidal.

This year... It doesn't feel like things have gotten much better over the past year. I've had some up-times, but... My anxiety hasn't been this bad in years. It's not unusual for me to have 6+ anxiety attacks during my 4-hour workday (.... and that's when my depression allows me to GO to work). Today I stayed home from work and literally slept and cried all day. Have appt with doctor tomorrow, but... it doesn't seem like any of these meds are helping, not enough.

I keep telling myself it's the time of year. Christmas is always difficult, with multiple family members deceased.... Maybe things will get better after the New Year. I can always hope.

(for what it's worth, I'm Bipolar 2, social anxiety, with a history of anorexia and still has anorexic tendencies, plus I'm a self-harmer.)
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Quotes from my current in-progress novel:

“I understand. We can take things slow… And okay, that may be the wrong phrase since we’ve already slept together, but the more relationship-type things, I’m not going to push you, alright?”

"Remy gently grabbed her arm and pulled her close, lips meeting softly. I bit my own lip and watched as their kiss slowly deepened, watched as Remy's hand slowly rested against the back of Allison's neck to pull her closer. This was the part where I was supposed to get jealous, right? Speak up, ask what the hell was going on? But I couldn't. I couldn't ruin the moment because no matter what I *should* have been feeling, I wasn't."

"Surely if I was going to be concerned about any of her destructive habits I *should* be attempting to talk to her about the drugs… But that felt like a much more difficult thing to approach then her promiscuity."
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:44 PM   #475
BiBunny
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marieR19 View Post
This time last year (in fact, right down to the day) I was in the mental hospital. Suicidal.

This year... It doesn't feel like things have gotten much better over the past year. I've had some up-times, but... My anxiety hasn't been this bad in years. It's not unusual for me to have 6+ anxiety attacks during my 4-hour workday (.... and that's when my depression allows me to GO to work). Today I stayed home from work and literally slept and cried all day. Have appt with doctor tomorrow, but... it doesn't seem like any of these meds are helping, not enough.

I keep telling myself it's the time of year. Christmas is always difficult, with multiple family members deceased.... Maybe things will get better after the New Year. I can always hope.

(for what it's worth, I'm Bipolar 2, social anxiety, with a history of anorexia and still has anorexic tendencies, plus I'm a self-harmer.)
*Hugs*

I'm so sorry. Hang in there and let us know if we can do anything.

As an aside, I found that once my BP was treated, most of my social anxiety went away with it. I don't know if that'll be the case when you and your doctor finally hit on the right combo of meds, but I sure hope so.
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As a dreamer of dreams and a traveling Bun,
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And I learned much from both of their styles


Grammar is very important to the Nazi party.

Na razrusha'ya. E'ya razrushost.
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