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Old 06-25-2012, 03:57 PM   #1
njoyjade
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Interpretation and reviews

Quote:
Greetings,
I am another newbie hoping to improve through interpretation and comments. I know I need to read more, study more, read more, write more and read even more published poetry. I am in the process of doing so now, but I can't seem to stop writing as I learn. Thank you in advance to the Poets here and thank you for what you have already taught me.
Here goes,


Mother Tongue

Her acrid words poison a well
earth cries; new birds learn
humanity's corrupted, so
destiny seals her fate






Maestro

Know the story on the open page
understand the poetry
hear the message with your soul
share erotic songs
move with lyrics penned by the heart
unbind all resistance
have one dance with knowledge
allow pleasure to consume
feel the heat when it spreads
burn with satisfaction
thrust with all your power
offer relentless prose
go to moistened depths
take everything you can
bring her to ecstasy
brand her with your rod
travel to eternity
make yearning your goal
sing her harsh sweet melodies
grind with all your might
knock on every door
read every book she's read
be her favorite author
tell your story well
write the next chapter
ensure the need for more
begin but never end
Master this one dance
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"The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” Michelangelo

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Old 06-25-2012, 08:41 PM   #2
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njoyjade, are you asking for advice on your writing? I hope I am not being presumptuous when I offer that the single most impactful thing you could do for your writing is to use fewer abstractions (soul, destiny, corrupted, eternity, etc) and instead to use arresting images or narrative that will more fully engage your reader. I hope that was helpful.

Best wishes on your continued writing.

D.
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Old 06-25-2012, 09:14 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PandoraGlitters View Post
njoyjade, are you asking for advice on your writing? I hope I am not being presumptuous when I offer that the single most impactful thing you could do for your writing is to use fewer abstractions (soul, destiny, corrupted, eternity, etc) and instead to use arresting images or narrative that will more fully engage your reader. I hope that was helpful.

Best wishes on your continued writing.

D.
Word.
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Old 06-25-2012, 09:35 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PandoraGlitters View Post
njoyjade, are you asking for advice on your writing? I hope I am not being presumptuous when I offer that the single most impactful thing you could do for your writing is to use fewer abstractions (soul, destiny, corrupted, eternity, etc) and instead to use arresting images or narrative that will more fully engage your reader. I hope that was helpful.

Best wishes on your continued writing.

D.
D,

Yes, I am asking for advice and/or interpretation. Thank you very much for taking the time to do so. You have been very helpful. I look forward to improving and welcome feedback.

Sincerely,
Jade
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Old 06-26-2012, 02:57 PM   #5
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I'm quite out of breath with no punctuation, but perhaps that was your intent
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:12 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njoyjade View Post
Mother Tongue

Her acrid words poison a well
earth cries; new birds learn
humanity's corrupted, so
destiny seals her fate
Hi, Jade, and welcome.

I think I am confused by what you're trying to say. For example,
Her acrid words poison a well <-- Who is "she?"
earth cries; new birds learn <-- Earth cries about what?
humanity's corrupted, so <-- Corrupted by what and how? And why do "new birds" learn this?
destiny seals her fate <-- Again, who is "her?" And what seals her fate? What is her fate?
I am not trying to be obnoxious here, and you do not have to be crystal clear in poems (God knows I often am not), but I'm left really wondering what you mean to say with this poem.

You have some nice phrases. "[N]ew birds learn" could be a great phrase in the right poem. "[W]ords poison a well" is not bad. But I guess I can't follow what you mean to say.

May very well be me, of course. I am not the cleverest of readers.

So, just my comment. Please treat it as such.
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Old 06-27-2012, 01:18 PM   #7
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Mother Tongue

Quote:
I'm left really wondering what you mean to say with this poem.
originally posted by Tzara
Thank you Tzara for your comments and suggestions.

The title "Mother Tongue" refers to "language learned by children and passed down from one generation to the next."
"She" represents a mother who's verbally abusive to her children. She poisoned her own well.
"The earth cries" when children "new birds" are corrupted because they now grow up having learned this language.
"Destiny" seals "the mother's" fate when children treat others the same way.
This was my feeble attempt to bring recognition to how powerful words can be. I'll try harder next time to be more clear and should have connected the title more directly with the rest.

I do not find your feedback "obnoxious" in any way.


Thank you again,
Jade
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Old 06-27-2012, 04:26 PM   #8
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Hello Jade

What Tzara said is great advice and when you explained what/ who the She refers to, it made me think, it can all be in the title, the interpretation, that is.

If you added an 's to Mother then she/ her would work very well. I do, however, "get" your title. I know what mother tongue refers to but some of your readers m ay not.

Keep up the good work, your open mind and excellent attitude!

I think you will be a bright spot here!



~ maria
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Old 06-27-2012, 08:05 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
I'm quite out of breath with no punctuation, but perhaps that was your intent
Thank you for your response.
I know how important punctuation can be, and frankly, this poses a challenge.
My intent was to make someone "out of breath" for different reasons. Therefore, I overlooked a very important step.

I am a "work in progress" and very grateful to you for bringing this to my attention.

Sincerely,
Jade
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Old 06-27-2012, 08:46 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by Maria2394
What Tzara said is great advice and when you explained what/ who the She refers to, it made me think, it can all be in the title, the interpretation, that is


Maria,

Thank you for responding.
I am someone who stumbled into the club wearing flip flops.
A "newbie", but one who's looking for guidance from those with experience.

I will not take your compliments for granted.

Thanks again for your feedback.
Sincerely,

Jade
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"The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” Michelangelo
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Old 06-30-2012, 05:11 PM   #11
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My response to a 5 senses challenge

Quote:
Quote:
originally posted byTristesse
Leaving her
sight: The Bridge of Sighs
sound: the rustle of silk
scent: recently snuffed candles
taste: strong liquor
touch: something slippery
City of Masks

Broken under the high wall unseen,
fallen from celestial stars; landing
on the slippery rocks below.

Proof is in the pieces of cake
half eaten; rich taste of rum
left on lovers’ breath.

Once welcomed fine ladies,
dressed in silk, making sweet
sounds of freedom as they walked.

Bridge of Sighs carried many
toward the darkened room; their last
memory mingled with scent of damp torches.

Sharpened with steel toed boots;
millions of footprints batter
every inch of her square.

Grows taller than expected.
Seashells, like stars, seemed innocent;
invite tomorrows masquerade



Again, any feedback welcome .
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"The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” Michelangelo

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Old 07-02-2012, 04:54 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njoyjade View Post
Quote:

City of Masks

Broken under the high wall unseen, <- What is unseen, the wall?
fallen from celestial stars; landing <- Aren't all stars celestial?
on the slippery rocks below.

Proof is in the pieces of cake <- Why not just 'Proof is the pieces of cake'
half eaten; rich taste of rum <- it is rum cake or have they had rum too?
left on lovers’ breath.

Once welcomed fine ladies,
dressed in silk, making sweet <- making sweet sounds of freedom comes across as a limp pop/country & western lyric. Is there such a thing as freedom anyway?
sounds of freedom as they walked.

Bridge of Sighs carried many <- Why not use the article, THE bridge is very specific
toward the darkened room; their last
memory mingled with scent of damp torches.

Sharpened with steel toed boots;
millions of footprints batter
every inch of her square.

Grows taller than expected. <- I get the impression you just go off on a whimsy here
Seashells, like stars, seemed innocent;
invite tomorrows masquerade



Again, any feedback welcome .
I think you are trying too hard to write poetry, just concentrate on your writing and forget what you think are poetic flourishes, they rarely are.

I know this is part of a challenge and one has to be somewhat acrobatic to get all the elements in one poem but concentrate on your subject matter, be specific and use imagery to conjure up feeling and emotion, any hint of didacticism should be snuffed out immediately, it never works.

Hmm Sometimes I wish I could heed my own advice.
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Old 07-02-2012, 06:54 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bogusagain View Post
I think you are trying too hard to write poetry, just concentrate on your writing and forget what you think are poetic flourishes, they rarely are.

I know this is part of a challenge and one has to be somewhat acrobatic to get all the elements in one poem but concentrate on your subject matter, be specific and use imagery to conjure up feeling and emotion, any hint of didacticism should be snuffed out immediately, it never works.

Hmm Sometimes I wish I could heed my own advice.


Thank you Bogusagain for your review. I appreciate you taking the time to make some very good points. If I may help with the interpretation
without being overly didactical;

City of Masks (aka Venice)

1)What is unseen, the wall?
The “high wall” refers to the bulwarks from the middle ages and today’s over-crowded buildings. I could have used
“Once fallen from Celestial Stars, landing on the slippery mud below, she lies broken; unseen behind the high wall.”

2) <- Aren't all stars celestial?
Celestial in this case means “heavenly or inhabiting a divine heaven”,
which I use to signify Venice’s ties to the Gospel of Mark, one of the seventy disciples.

3)Why not just 'Proof is the pieces of cake' <- it is rum cake or have they had rum too?
“Proof is in the …” Here I tried to tie in proof of how special/romantic Venice
is with cake too rich with rum for lovers to finish. (For some Italians, rum cake is a tradition for special occasions such as birthdays etc. : in my case lovers.)
I’ll work on that line, it needs it.

4)<- making sweet sounds of freedom comes across as a limp pop/country & western lyric. Is there such a thing as freedom anyway?
Silk was a major trade item in Venice up through the 1700’s. In 1871, religious freedom was introduced in Italy. There again, I should have referred to the city as
She once welcomed fine ladies dressed in silk;
followed maybe with “their dresses made sweet sounds of freedom when they walked”. One doesn’t have to be a history major to know what occurred during the 1930’s.

5) <- Why not use the article, THE bridge is very specific
You are absolutely right; I should have said “The Bridge of Sighs”.

6) <- I get the impression you just go off on a whimsy here
Here I should have said “She grew bigger than expected. Seashells, like stars, once seemed innocent;
but invite tomorrow’s masquerade”. Venice has added hundreds of floors to its buildings to increase living quarters; which is overcrowded to say the least. While
the Sea eats away at the City many choose to create a false outward show; hence “tomorrow’s masquerade”.

Thank you for your help and I agree that a re-write is necessary. I get excited over the ‘Five Senses Challenge’ when I see words that I want to attempt to make a poem with.
I tried to do it well before someone else posted using those words but as you said, “I got caught up in the “acrobatics,” and rushed it.

I did accomplish a couple of things though: I reminded readers of what a great city Venice is while bringing attention to its monumental war against the sea!

Lesson learned
Sincerely,
Jade
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Old 07-03-2012, 08:02 PM   #14
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Here's one that got away.

By the time I finished writing with these words, Tristesse2 had beaten me to the post. She did an awesome job with them;
they were not easy to work with, for me anyway. But I have this
one sitting here so , I'll throw it out there for all to interpret, review, comment on, critique etc.

Words from The Five Senses Challenge:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Desejo View Post

Sight: bright light
sound: windshield wipers
taste: pie
smell: lipstick
touch: hair pulled
Drive In Movie

Inside the car we’re surrounded by darkness.

The sudden bright light from the previews leave us blinded.

All senses awaken; from the apple pie on your breath,

to the smell of lipstick left on the plastic spoon we share.

Rain beats down; beautifully sprinkling our view of the screen.

I turn on the wipers and the beat of repetition is like an invitation.

Your shirt is easily unbuttoned as we move to the backseat.

Scrambling for anything, you barely notice when I tug on your ponytail;

releasing massive folds of chestnut colored hair.

I am surrounded by beauty, when the speaker goes silent.

All we see is what we feel and all we hear is the constant beat of our pulses.

We read each other’s thoughts; wondering why anyone would ever go to the theatre.
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Old 07-05-2012, 03:41 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njoyjade View Post

Maria,

Thank you for responding.
I am someone who stumbled into the club wearing flip flops.
A "newbie", but one who's looking for guidance from those with experience.

I will not take your compliments for granted.

Thanks again for your feedback.
Sincerely,

Jade
HI Jade

We were ALLL newbies at one point, ya know? And hey, enjoy your flipflops ...on your way to becoming barefooted!!!

You have entered the forum with the best tool at any writer/poet's disposal, a totally open mind and a beautiful attitude!

You woulgn't believe how many people come into places like this, thinking they are ready for their work to be in the New Yorker or such yet they lack the skills, vocabulary, talent, etc but they are more than well equipped with a know-it-all attitude.

You come in here humble, willing and ready to learn and that is a breath of fresh air! You should read some of the gosh awful stuff I wrote when I first came here, lol and I still write bad poetry most of the time, but you have to shovel through the mud to get to the truffles

Eve and Angeline, Tess and a couple others took me in and helped me so much, you can't begin to believe how bad I was, and after years of practice, work and disappointment, I finally was published elsewhere, online and in INK!!!

I never could have done it without the talented people I met in here. I almost envy you, getting to go through that wonderful experience. At least I can watch and enjoy your growing process.

I also feel joy for you because you seem so enthusiastic and honest and I feel your desire to learn and that is a beautiful thing.

Don't let haters bring you down because the better you get and the harder you work the more it gets to those who don't try yet expect accolades nonetheless.

I wish you none but the very best. I wish I had more time here, I wish I had more access, it is all equiptment problems though.

Hugs to you, Happy Face!! I love your pen name, too. Jade is one of my favorite stones.

I will look for your work.

Keep writing! and enjoy yourself while you write.




~ maria

Last edited by Maria2394 : 07-05-2012 at 03:47 PM. Reason: tie pose
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Old 07-08-2012, 01:07 PM   #16
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Words

Quote:
Keep writing! and enjoy yourself while you write.
~ maria
Thank you Maria for your kind words and encouragement. I look forward to feeling the sand in my toes!
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Old 07-09-2012, 09:47 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njoyjade View Post
By the time I finished writing with these words, Tristesse2 had beaten me to the post. She did an awesome job with them;
they were not easy to work with, for me anyway. But I have this
one sitting here so , I'll throw it out there for all to interpret, review, comment on, critique etc.

Words from The Five Senses Challenge:



Drive In Movie

Inside the car we’re surrounded by darkness.

The sudden bright light from the previews leave us blinded.

All senses awaken; from the apple pie on your breath,

to the smell of lipstick left on the plastic spoon we share.

Rain beats down; beautifully sprinkling our view of the screen.

I turn on the wipers and the beat of repetition is like an invitation.

Your shirt is easily unbuttoned as we move to the backseat.

Scrambling for anything, you barely notice when I tug on your ponytail;

releasing massive folds of chestnut colored hair.

I am surrounded by beauty, when the speaker goes silent.

All we see is what we feel and all we hear is the constant beat of our pulses.

We read each other’s thoughts; wondering why anyone would ever go to the theatre.
To me you've gone very prosy (if there is such a word!) here, although the last person I gave the comment that prose with line breaks didn't make it a poem, poked me in the eye (metaphorically) and asked me didn't I know prose poetry when I saw it? So who am I to say?!
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
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Old 08-04-2012, 09:19 AM   #18
njoyjade
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Thank you

Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
To me you've gone very prosy (if there is such a word!) here, although the last person I gave the comment that prose with line breaks didn't make it a poem, poked me in the eye (metaphorically) and asked me didn't I know prose poetry when I saw it? So who am I to say?!

Thank you for your response, I think prosy is a good choice of words. I appreciate your feedback!
Sincerely,
Jade

p.s.
Sorry I took so long to respond,
I've had family obligations lately
but hope to get back in the groove soon.
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Old 08-05-2012, 06:23 PM   #19
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wow! nice..
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:54 AM   #20
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Thank you benq123

Quote:
Originally Posted by benq123 View Post
wow! nice..

~~~~
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Old 08-06-2012, 10:24 AM   #21
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Forgotten or Remembered?

The Chain of Phools thread is fun and unpredictable. Creating a four line poem is not as easy as it sounds, especially when the word you have to include is challenging. My first reaction to The Fool's new word "tit" was to wait for someone else to respond because I had "nothing".
Hearing crickets for 12 days was just too sad so I gave it my best shot.


Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Fool
So what if it is not all blue sky and sunshine.
I love the taste of raindrops
sucked from your lips,
even salty ones.

new word: tit



Did Mona Lisa smile
Honored just to sit?
Would she have been forgotten, if
She’d let him paint her tit

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Old 08-27-2012, 02:24 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njoyjade View Post
By the time I finished writing with these words, Tristesse2 had beaten me to the post. She did an awesome job with them;
they were not easy to work with, for me anyway. But I have this
one sitting here so , I'll throw it out there for all to interpret, review, comment on, critique etc.

Words from The Five Senses Challenge:



Drive In Movie

Inside the car we’re surrounded by darkness.

The sudden bright light from the previews leave us blinded.

All senses awaken; from the apple pie on your breath,

to the smell of lipstick left on the plastic spoon we share.

Rain beats down; beautifully sprinkling our view of the screen.

I turn on the wipers and the beat of repetition is like an invitation.

Your shirt is easily unbuttoned as we move to the backseat.

Scrambling for anything, you barely notice when I tug on your ponytail;

releasing massive folds of chestnut colored hair.

I am surrounded by beauty, when the speaker goes silent.

All we see is what we feel and all we hear is the constant beat of our pulses.

We read each other’s thoughts; wondering why anyone would ever go to the theatre.
I seem to remember a song from the 60's...now where in the hell did you find a drive-in, for a bit of the backseat womp-womp?

to the smell of lipstick left on the plastic spoon we share.
nice, very nice
All we see is what we feel
grabby,grabby
the speaker goes silent.
like
try taking out as much as the " I" the "we" is nice

I am surrounded by beauty
your job as a writer is to surround the reader with the beauty, not tell them about it, i.e if the reader is not your girlfriend
now a piece of Senna Jawa advice:
chop out about 50%, see what you have, maybe chop out another 50%, you have a quarter left, start putting the things you need back
now a piece of 1201 advice
if i get to the end before you do, I've lost interest, this is a linear structure, from point A to B to C, so along the way I want to see "the smell of lipstick on the plastic spoon we share." something I've never seen before. I took out "left" it is assumed.
Harsh? Ignore about half.
Now, the thing about reading and writing, the more you read, in relation to how much you write, the less trouble you get in.
Unless you're me, where it doesn't matter.
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Old 08-27-2012, 03:31 PM   #23
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Hi Jade,

Just wanted to second 1201's mention of your line, 'the smell of lipstick on a shared spoon'. That line stopped me, hauled me into the car and made me want to go kiss a spoon and then sniff it to see if it's real. That line is a great example of what some of the other posters mentioned regarding the need for tangible or concrete images in order to connect the reader to your poem. I am jealous of that line and want it to be mine. When I talk about the use of imagery, I always use the life preserver analogy. If you send a reader into a poem and everything is vague or general, the reader flounders a bit, maybe drowns or even worse just walks ashore abandoning the poem. If you fill the lines with specific things described in a unique way that they can experience through their senses it's like throwing them a life line and one that doesn't just help them float through the poem but guides them in the direction you want them to go. All the while pretending you aren't doing a thing.

A second thing I wanted to add was regarding your title. Your title tells us the setting and it's not an overly rare one even if it's only something people have seen on TV which means that your first line and any line establishing general setting take up space you could otherwise use to redefine or reshape the moment into something specific, intriguing and new.

Just some thoughts inspired by your writing and willingness to learn.
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Old 09-17-2012, 11:07 PM   #24
twelveoone
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KatieJones View Post
Hi Jade,

Just wanted to second 1201's mention of your line, 'the smell of lipstick on a shared spoon'. That line stopped me, hauled me into the car and made me want to go kiss a spoon and then sniff it to see if it's real. That line is a great example of what some of the other posters mentioned regarding the need for tangible or concrete images in order to connect the reader to your poem. I am jealous of that line and want it to be mine. When I talk about the use of imagery, I always use the life preserver analogy. If you send a reader into a poem and everything is vague or general, the reader flounders a bit, maybe drowns or even worse just walks ashore abandoning the poem. If you fill the lines with specific things described in a unique way that they can experience through their senses it's like throwing them a life line and one that doesn't just help them float through the poem but guides them in the direction you want them to go. All the while pretending you aren't doing a thing.

A second thing I wanted to add was regarding your title. Your title tells us the setting and it's not an overly rare one even if it's only something people have seen on TV which means that your first line and any line establishing general setting take up space you could otherwise use to redefine or reshape the moment into something specific, intriguing and new.

Just some thoughts inspired by your writing and willingness to learn.
that was one of the best lines i've ever scene, i almost fell in love

and this life preserver analogy is fantastic, sorry i missed this
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:20 AM   #25
njoyjade
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Thank you,

Quote:
KatieJones;41840202]Hi Jade,

Just some thoughts inspired by your writing and willingness to learn.
I am grateful for your advice and appreciate your words of encouragement.


Sincerely,
Jade
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"The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” Michelangelo
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