Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

[DG Hear]

Senior Moments, some old, some new, all funny
DG

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks..
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[DG Hear]

A Second Opinion Joke

My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"

"That’s a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."


Excuses

I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogs when I found something that made me laugh. "Look," I said to my wife. "What I’ve always wanted: a camouflage toilet seat."

"Get it," she said. "Then you’ll have an excuse for when you miss."

[BuckyDuckman]

Originally Posted by DG Hear

]

Excuses

I was leafing through one of my hunting catalogs when I found something that made me laugh. "Look," I said to my wife. "What I’ve always wanted: a camouflage toilet seat."

"Get it," she said. "Then you’ll have an excuse for when you miss."

LOL! Meanwhile, here's potential proof that men could be smarter than women. A man never forgets to check if the toilet seat is up or down before they sit. As for when they stand? Who cares?!

[DG Hear]

The Pearly Gates

The burial service for the elderly woman climaxed with a massive clap of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder. "Well," said her husband to the shaken pastor when it ended, "she’s there."


Car Nut

My husband is a car nut. That’s why I could appreciate the card he gave me on our fifth wedding anniversary. It read "The last 72,000 miles of my life have been the best ever!"

[JackLuis]

[JackLuis]

[Saucyminx]

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked,

jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."

So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"

"Much better!" she replies with a smile.

"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

[curl4ever]

Originally Posted by Saucyminx

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked,

jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."

So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"

"Much better!" she replies with a smile.

"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

LOVE IT!!!

Thanks, Saucyminx.
- curl

[Saucyminx]

Originally Posted by curl4ever

LOVE IT!!!

Thanks, Saucyminx.
- curl

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my God, I'm so ashamed! My daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my God I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my God I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

[Handley_Page]

Idiot Instructions on Actual Products

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT
"Do not turn upside down." (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
"Product will be hot after heating."

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON
"Do not iron clothes on body."

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
"Do not drive car or operate machinery."

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
"Warning: may cause drowsiness."

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
"Warning keep out of children."

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
"For indoor or outdoor use only."

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
"Not to be used for the other use."

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS
"Warning: contains nuts."

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS
"Instructions: open packet. Eat nuts."

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."

ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS
"Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?"

[for the benefit of those not in the UK, "tossing" implies masturbation. ]

[Handley_Page]

Quotes About "Fools"

Get the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. - Frank Dane

A man who cannot reason is a fool, a man who will not reason is a bigot, and a man who dare not reason is a slave. - William Drummond

If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. - Anatole France

The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise man is in his heart. - Benjamin Franklin

Fools' names, like fools' faces, Are often seen in public places. - Thomas Fuller

Zeal is fit only for wise men, but is found mostly in fools. - Thomas Fuller

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends. - Baltasar Gracian

There are more fools in the world than there are people. - Heinrich Heine

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

The silliest woman can manage a clever man; but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. - Rudyard Kipling "Plain Tales from the Hills"

[BuckyDuckman]

What's the mating call of the college coed?

"I'm soooo drunk!"

[Saucyminx]

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"



Masturbate Joke

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

[DG Hear]

Saucymix, thank you for being part of our humor thread. Please come back often.
DG

Once in a Lifetime

Last June, my friend told me about her plans for our upcoming prom. "I’m renting a stretch limo and spending $1,000 on a new dress, and I’ve reserved a table at the most expensive restaurant in town," she said.

Our teacher overheard her and shook her head. "I didn’t spend that much on my wedding."

My friend answered, "I can have three or four weddings. But a prom you do only once."

[DG Hear]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

[WaywardandLost]

"See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight...stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daren't make the leap. Y'see...y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea...He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... he says 'What do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!'" - The Joker

[Emily124]

[DG Hear]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
A s they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

[Dianthus]

A man walks into a bar and approaches a beautiful woman. He tells her that he has an uncanny ability to guess the exact day on which a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.


"Really?" the woman says. "Go on then...Try."

After 30 seconds of awkward fondling, she begins to lose patience.
 "Come on," she demands, "on which day was I born?"


"Yesterday?" the man replies.

[phantom4533]

Originally Posted by Dianthus

A man walks into a bar and approaches a beautiful woman. He tells her that he has an uncanny ability to guess the exact day on which a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.


"Really?" the woman says. "Go on then...Try."

After 30 seconds of awkward fondling, she begins to lose patience.
 "Come on," she demands, "on which day was I born?"


"Yesterday?" the man replies.

And the man then asked if she could touch her elbows together behind her back.

[DG Hear]

I like seeing so many names posting to the humor thread. Thank you to all of you.
DG

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't knowhow you can be
so stupid and sobeautiful all atthe same time.
'The wiferesponded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would beattracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would beattracted to you.

[jehoram]

A doctor was giving a tour of his ward to some interns. They opened the door to one room and discovered a man masturbating furiously.

"This man has a special condition which requires him to empty his seminal vesicles four time a day," the doctor explained. "This is part of his physical therapy."

The opened the door to the next room, and found a nurse giving a patient a blow job.

"Same malady," the doctor said. "Better health plan."

[Handley_Page]

Idiot Instructions on Actual Products (2)

Sign on the top rung of an aluminium extending ladder:

Written in 4 languages: "STOP. This is the last rung. "

[Saucyminx]

Originally Posted by DG Hear

Saucymix, thank you for being part of our humor thread. Please come back often.
DG

What’s the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

What’s the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
Male fraud.