Old 08-01-2012, 04:20 PM   #1
Squabbles
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Squabbles' Poetry

I dabble in poetry. I hope that perhaps others may enjoy. A lot of what I write has sexual undertones, but are not explicitly so. Here is one!


...
The bare of your back slid
Against the bare of the tub and the water rose,
Swallowing every inch,
Your oceanic incubus.
Your legs trembled, your fingers twitched,
Quivering, you sought
For God or Pan or Venus,
For the pearl between your thighs,
Exploring the oyster, the hidden bloom
Until the nectar of your salvation
Joined the fluids of your ocean,
Drowning you in the rebirth of your own being.

Your legs are petals, and the flower trembles.
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Old 08-01-2012, 07:00 PM   #2
kelson7269
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Love it - the imagery you conjured up in my mind...you certianly have a way with words!
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Old 08-01-2012, 10:17 PM   #3
Tristesse2
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May I be so bold as to comment? If I have misunderstood your intention and you want no advice I can remove this post.

Let me start by saying you certainly avoided the, often, over used crudities……you just know there’s a “but” coming don’t you?

In their place you have gone overboard, an incubus has no place in a scene of masturbation, it is an evil and threatening presence.

The next three lines are clichéd, images too often used. Sorry to be so harsh but it’s a good effort.

My take on a promising piece of erotica.

Your back slides down
Cool porcelain as the water
Rises swallowing you, inch by inch.
Urgently you seek (here I’m not sure what you’re saying) that familiar heaven,
That electric shock of touch.

I’ve moved it to present tense, now we could introduce the watcher who is narrating, always titillating.

I long for it to be
My fingers searching as I
Watch your pleasure rise,
Imagine your moisture mingling
With the waters of your own private ocean
As you sink lower trembling from
The power.
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Last edited by Tristesse2 : 08-01-2012 at 10:24 PM.
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Old 08-01-2012, 10:26 PM   #4
Squabbles
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Certainly no need to apologize! I appreciate the critique! Thank you very much!
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Old 08-02-2012, 02:57 PM   #5
Angeline
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Hi Squabbles and welcome to the forum. I like dabbling in poetry, too.

Since you're open to feedback (always a good thing in my book), I will add my two cents worth, just my opinion, but perhaps it will be of help to you.

I feel there is a lot to like about your poem as well as some issues that, if addressed, could make it much more effective.

First I wonder who the narrator is, the voice that is saying "your" and "you" in the poem. It's not the person being described, obviously, so who is it? Someone watching? If so, why are they not part of the action? Or maybe it's just the omniscient narrator, but the action of your poem is so intimate and the narrator sounds so removed from it. It doesn't work well. How could you fix it? I see two choices: 1) you bring that narrator into the poem or, 2) you change it to first person. I like the latter because you don't have to add to the poem, but either way could be made to work well.

Second I think Tess has given great advice about avoiding cliche, and as she pointed out you've done that pretty well by sticking with metaphor and allusion. It's hard to write sexually explicit words and avoid cliche...or overkill. So kudos for that. But then one must consider how appropriate a metaphor is to a specific situation. I would argue that "swallowing every inch" may work as a metaphor for being submerged in water, but it also has a cliche meaning of something else so when you use it in a poem about a women touching herself in a tub it doesn't fit. It's a cliche used inappropriately given the context.

Third I agree with Tess that the succubus image comes out of nowhere and then goes nowhere. I'd lose it. I'd also comb though the poem carefully and lose every word that isn't absolutely necessary.

I really like your last line. I'd move it to the beginning of the poem, where I think it would pack more of a punch.

Hope you find this helpful and if you do, pay it forward by giving your own feedback to another poem here.

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Old 08-02-2012, 03:54 PM   #6
lorencino
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So first, thank you Squabbles for providing a poem. The poem becomes a platform for Tristesse2 and Angeline to express their thoughts. I enjoy the thoughts and then enjoy the poem the two women's thoughts encourage to unfurl in more sensuous immediacy. Jumping back and forth between poem and comments I spiral into joyous engagement of mind and body, of rhythm and sense. I glow with appreciation.

Then, I too have a suggestion: Perhaps having it all in the present tense might solve the problem of the clash between intimacy and remote narrator. If you don't mind, I'll use your sparks to display my words. Just another option, you understand hopefully to inspire your own authentic voice in response:

Bare back slides over bare porcelain bath
slowly sink into water to feel
caress of water fingers its way
over responsive skin
skin glows with energy, with desire

In need you are moved to touch your core
your pleasure oozing into the waters
now swirling around your urgent hand
awash in the blinding pleasure
you secure from your touch

Thanks for indulging me.
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Old 08-03-2012, 12:41 PM   #7
UnderYourSpell
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I did feel smacked between the eyes with all the metaphor and think you can lose a good many lines i.e

The bare of your back slid
against the tub and the water rose,
legs trembled, fingers twitched.
Quivering, you sought
the pearl between your thighs
the hidden bloom,
until your nectar of salvation
joined fluids of the ocean,
drowning you
in the rebirth of your own being.

Your legs are petals, the flower trembles.
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
Annie submits

Last edited by UnderYourSpell : 08-03-2012 at 12:43 PM. Reason: cos
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Old 10-10-2012, 10:02 PM   #8
Peppadance
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Nice image

Quote:
Originally Posted by Squabbles View Post
I dabble in poetry. I hope that perhaps others may enjoy. A lot of what I write has sexual undertones, but are not explicitly so. Here is one!


...
The bare of your back slid
Against the bare of the tub and the water rose,
Swallowing every inch,
Your oceanic incubus.
Your legs trembled, your fingers twitched,
Quivering, you sought
For God or Pan or Venus,
For the pearl between your thighs,
Exploring the oyster, the hidden bloom
Until the nectar of your salvation
Joined the fluids of your ocean,
Drowning you in the rebirth of your own being.

Your legs are petals, and the flower trembles.
You have received many good comments. Mine is a bit more visceral. As a man, I loved the imagery.
i await your next entry...
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Old 10-29-2012, 07:17 AM   #9
Pamelaxx69
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I am very impressed!

A friend recommended your thread, and it really is good to read such good work and intelligent criticism.

I will study the thread in more detail and try to add my few words.

Thank you.


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Last edited by Pamelaxx69 : 10-29-2012 at 08:04 AM.
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