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Old 07-10-2012, 05:46 PM   #151
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Old 07-10-2012, 05:59 PM   #152
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Don't waste your life

I feel very sorry for all of you in sexless marriages. And I have some advice for people who say (a small child is involved, so divorce is out of the question".
A wide woman said to me, years ago, "Ideally, kids want to live with a happy Mum and Dad. Next best is one happy parent. A long way last is living with an unhappy Mum and Dad". In years to come, your child won't thank you for staying in a sexless and therefore, probably loveless, marriage. It puts too much strain on everyone. If there's no chance of change, get out while you can and enjoy what's left of your (only) life.
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Old 07-10-2012, 06:39 PM   #153
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to all in sexless marriages

and especially the OP...

have you talked to your husband (or wife) and told them unequivocally that you need sex, that sex should be a great part of life (and a marriage), and what does he (or she) suggest you do in order to have a fulfilling sex life?

If they have to help provide a solution then they usually do. That can be getting in the sack themselves, giving you license to fool around, hiring you escorts, etc. The "solution" can be anything. Here's the key...if he is willing to help find you a solution then your relationship is still based on love and respect. If they blow it off and don't engage the problem then you know that your relationship is merely one of convenience or convention for them and you should seriously consider moving on with you life.
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Old 07-10-2012, 10:32 PM   #154
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trouble_maker View Post
Well said, but sometimes you just got to take that shit! You can't wait around for him to start things up, now I don't know if that's your particular problem but for those who do have a somewhat "wilted" husband, you just got to show him "the pussy is boss!" (to quote my grams)
This is the worst possible advice anyone could give to a woman in a sexless marriage.
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Old 07-10-2012, 10:38 PM   #155
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monique1971 View Post
This is the worst possible advice anyone could give to a woman in a sexless marriage.
True, true. Sometimes a sexless marriage is headed for the end. Of course it depends on reasons for it being with out sex, if a medical condition talk, together, withy a doctor. If it is his or her personal choice to not have sex, well then communication is the key. Talk it out, see who, what & why, base decisions on adult mentality and go forward.
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Old 07-10-2012, 10:43 PM   #156
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Quote:
Originally Posted by simpletimes View Post
True, true. Sometimes a sexless marriage is headed for the end. Of course it depends on reasons for it being with out sex, if a medical condition talk, together, withy a doctor. If it is his or her personal choice to not have sex, well then communication is the key. Talk it out, see who, what & why, base decisions on adult mentality and go forward.
Has that worked for you? I am curious. Always interesting to learn what has helped and what hasn't.
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Old 07-10-2012, 10:52 PM   #157
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Old 07-10-2012, 10:58 PM   #158
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Originally Posted by monique1971 View Post
Has that worked for you? I am curious. Always interesting to learn what has helped and what hasn't.
Suffice it to say, I am divorced. Guess that is an answer. Yes we talked about it, I think she lost interest after I would not delve deeper into her new found christianity. So, am I at fault, yes partly, is she at fault, yes, also partly. We strayed to far apart in our mental relationship to be able to have a physical relationship. Do I blame her, of course not. Then and now I only wished her happiness, and she seems to have found that in her religion.
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Old 07-11-2012, 11:16 AM   #159
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Originally Posted by subnovice View Post
Well, I must be in this for convenience or convention because I did have the discission with him about how important sex is to me/us in this marriage. But i wouldnt leave him just because we arent having sex.. I still care for him and he has been left behind by so many female influences in his life. I refuse to be the next one to prove to him that women are mean uncaring witches. I just have to find my outlet.
No!!!! I said convenience or convention for them. Big difference.

Also, did you ASK HIM, since he loves you, to provide you a solution for your sexual needs? I understand sex is important in a marriage. It is also about your individual needs. If you approach the subject "sex is important to me, what are we going to do about that?" then, frankly, not much is going to get resolved. If you approach the subject "I need sex and you are not providing it. What should I do--and 'nothing' is not an option-- because I don't want to go through life without sex?" then you are going to get an answer. Then it is on him, as a husband, to assist in finding a solution for you. That solution can be him, a surrogate, a license to do what you want, or any number of other things. But the point is that if you tell your spouse you NEED something and ask him to offer a solution, if he blows off your NEEDS then he is not being a true partner. Marriage is two becoming one, it's uniting. If he disregards your stated needs and offers you no solutions then that is not a true partnership.

He may be a great guy, and he may have a lot of baggage that you're trying to help him navigate. If you choose to not have sex (because he doesn't want it) then that's a choice you've made for the marriage and that's that. But, if sex is a need for you (or a real important desire) then in a working, functional marriage there ought to be a solution for you, no?

If you want to accept your fate and forego sex, that's fine. But, if you want the sex then it's more than just telling him it's important to you; it requires you to instruct your husband to assist in generating a solution to one of your needs.

btw, it is not proof of a mean, uncaring witch to express that sex, a basic tenet of life, is a need of yours and something has to be done; that a sexless life is unacceptable to you. Ironically, in my eyes at least, a spouse that is willing to allow his/her partner to go through life without sex, when he/she knows that partner wants/needs sex, is the one who is being mean, uncaring, or at the very best, incredibly selfish.

Last edited by b4uris : 07-11-2012 at 11:22 AM.
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Old 07-11-2012, 02:13 PM   #160
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familiar subject

After chatting for years....and masturbating to keep the marriage...yes, divorce would have been desired except it would have been financial ruin....I decided a bisexual fling would be interesting....and so it began....
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Old 07-11-2012, 04:04 PM   #161
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you should just rape your husband. Drug him with viagra and tie him up.
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Old 07-11-2012, 04:59 PM   #162
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Have you tried testing his testosterone level? Sounds like a classic case of low T.

Quote:
Originally Posted by monique1971 View Post
Yeah. Just for the record, here's what my husband and I have tried:

1. Two rounds of counseling with two different therapists.
2. Complete physical exam including testosterone.
3. Long, honest talks. Many of them. No, he's not gay. No, he wasn't physically abused as a child.
4. Not talking about it at all for months to "let it rest."
5. Scheduling sex.
6. Weekend getaways.
7. Watching porn together (he loves it, but it doesn't make him any more likely to want to have sex with a real human being.)
8. Individual counseling for both him and me.
9. Two year separation to "think things through."


Here's what I have tried on my own:

1. Sexy lingerie (doesn't do anything for him)
2. Suggesting "new things" (grossed him out and scared him off)
3. Naked pictures of myself (ditto)
4. Reading self-help books
5. Hours spent on the internet looking for advice, support, etc.
6. Doing all the housework
7. Doing all the initiating.
8. Doing none of the initiating.
9. Asking him about his fantasies (answer: "I don't think about sex, so I don't think I have any fantasies.")
10. Thorough snooping through all his belongings, phone, email etc. to see if he's cheating (hah. You have to want sex in order to have sex outside your marriage.)
11. Cheating. Made me miserable and lonelier than ever, plus drew a good man into my own personal mess.

Some people don't want sex. They're healthy, functioning human beings. They're just not interested. Trying to fix someone like this is pointless because you are trying to fix someone who isn't broken. The only thing 'wrong' with this person is that he/she is not a good life partner for someone who does like sex. It's a mismatch. That's all.

My options: I can leave, and lose the only person in my life who loves me, really loves me. Or I can suck it up, and stay, and get over it. I've been applying myself to the latter.

And antiasexual, I agree, it's condescending and lame to suggest that men can earn sex by doing more around the house. Seriously. You do the dishes because you live there, not because you are trying to prove yourself worthy of a little gold star in the form of sex.
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Old 07-11-2012, 05:11 PM   #163
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monique1971 View Post
Yeah. Just for the record, here's what my husband and I have tried:

1. Two rounds of counseling with two different therapists.
2. Complete physical exam including testosterone.
3. Long, honest talks. Many of them. No, he's not gay. No, he wasn't physically abused as a child.
4. Not talking about it at all for months to "let it rest."
5. Scheduling sex.
6. Weekend getaways.
7. Watching porn together (he loves it, but it doesn't make him any more likely to want to have sex with a real human being.)
8. Individual counseling for both him and me.
9. Two year separation to "think things through."


Here's what I have tried on my own:

1. Sexy lingerie (doesn't do anything for him)
2. Suggesting "new things" (grossed him out and scared him off)
3. Naked pictures of myself (ditto)
4. Reading self-help books
5. Hours spent on the internet looking for advice, support, etc.
6. Doing all the housework
7. Doing all the initiating.
8. Doing none of the initiating.
9. Asking him about his fantasies (answer: "I don't think about sex, so I don't think I have any fantasies.")
10. Thorough snooping through all his belongings, phone, email etc. to see if he's cheating (hah. You have to want sex in order to have sex outside your marriage.)
11. Cheating. Made me miserable and lonelier than ever, plus drew a good man into my own personal mess.

Some people don't want sex. They're healthy, functioning human beings. They're just not interested. Trying to fix someone like this is pointless because you are trying to fix someone who isn't broken. The only thing 'wrong' with this person is that he/she is not a good life partner for someone who does like sex. It's a mismatch. That's all.

My options: I can leave, and lose the only person in my life who loves me, really loves me. Or I can suck it up, and stay, and get over it. I've been applying myself to the latter.

And antiasexual, I agree, it's condescending and lame to suggest that men can earn sex by doing more around the house. Seriously. You do the dishes because you live there, not because you are trying to prove yourself worthy of a little gold star in the form of sex.



Ny goodness what a great wife you are. Very sad and although I know that sympathy does not help at this time, I sure wish there was something I could offer to you . But I am in an utter loss for words.

Gum?

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Old 07-11-2012, 05:58 PM   #164
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Old 07-11-2012, 06:07 PM   #165
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whew

I FINALLY made someone laugh....looking around the room with hands on my hips......Sigh....My work is done!



Quote:
Originally Posted by subnovice View Post
heehee. That is funny.. lol!!

Someone who once got a hard on everytime the wind blew gently outside... and now doesn't want it...
There's more to the story. And sometimes they just DON'T want to cooperate with the MARRIAGE and make it understood. No matter how hard you try or what you do.
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Old 07-11-2012, 08:27 PM   #166
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Because this thread started almost four months ago, I'm curious how things have turned out (so far) for the woman who started it. Are you still here?
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Old 07-11-2012, 11:26 PM   #167
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Originally Posted by b4uris View Post
Have you tried testing his testosterone level? Sounds like a classic case of low T.
Low testosterone levels is a very real and common issue for a great many men over the age of 40, but it's the topic very few people and even fewer doctors want to think about. In fact, it's really crazy the list of issues health professionals will try to ferret through to figure out low libido issues when checking test levels should be first on the list.
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Old 07-11-2012, 11:37 PM   #168
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Don't forget some drugs also can cause a strain on relationships
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Old 07-11-2012, 11:44 PM   #169
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonka View Post
Low testosterone levels is a very real and common issue for a great many men over the age of 40, but it's the topic very few people and even fewer doctors want to think about. In fact, it's really crazy the list of issues health professionals will try to ferret through to figure out low libido issues when checking test levels should be first on the list.
Testosterone gets a bad rep as the cause for many a man's lack of interest in sex.

I have been tested and have low testosterone. I still want ...no crave sex in a loving relationship. The problem is I dont have a loving relationship with my wife. THAT is the cause of MY lack of interest in sex with my wife.

I say that to say testosterone is not the missing link to explain all mens lack of interest...sometimes it is just not a good match...sexually that is.
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Old 07-11-2012, 11:51 PM   #170
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Originally Posted by JohnRock42_69 View Post
Testosterone gets a bad rep as the cause for many a man's lack of interest in sex.

I have been tested and have low testosterone. I still want ...no crave sex in a loving relationship. The problem is I dont have a loving relationship with my wife. THAT is the cause of MY lack of interest in sex with my wife.

I say that to say testosterone is not the missing link to explain all mens lack of interest...sometimes it is just not a good match...sexually that is.
This is an interesting perspective. Definitely something to ponder.
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Old 07-12-2012, 12:55 AM   #171
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Have an affair

After reading these posts, I look on other people marriages and find a greater appreciation for those who have had affairs. I used to feel a marriage was a sacred bond and infidelity was terrible. Now, I think an affair may save a person's sanity, if not their marriage. I no longer condemn people who step outside their marriage. I want to thank everyone for posting. I wish I could be more articulate on this topic.
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:12 AM   #172
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Originally Posted by b4uris View Post
Have you tried testing his testosterone level? Sounds like a classic case of low T.
Good grief. It's like you didn't even read the post.

My point was, I have tried everything.

Yes, he has had a complete medical workup.
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:14 AM   #173
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Ny goodness what a great wife you are. Very sad and although I know that sympathy does not help at this time, I sure wish there was something I could offer to you . But I am in an utter loss for words.

Gum?
:-) Why, yes, don't mind if I do.
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:50 AM   #174
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As the rest of the posters on this thread, I'm sorry about it. I'm in a similar situation, on the other side of the road. I like to believe there's a reason for everything, and even when I know this is not as good as it gets, I do appreciate what I do have.

I don't feel there's many things left for me to do, to try. I never had an affair, though... probably because there was never a chance.

Sometimes the frustration is enormous. But that's the way things are, and there are many things I have on my marriage that many people would love to have, so.. I chose to be happy, despite what it's missing in my life, because there are many others that complete me.
im dealing with the same issues with my husband no matter what he says i still feel like im doing something wrong. talked with our dr about it and hes words of wisdom were pretend to not notice understand it really isnt me and most of all is it really all that matters in our lives? i had to laugh for i was already thinking those same things. there are many other ways he intices me besides sexual contact.
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Old 07-12-2012, 10:03 AM   #175
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Frustrated husband

I'm 39 and we've been married for 12 years - my wife is also 39 - and we have two wonderful children; on the most part, it's pretty good! However, for the past 2 years our sex-life has dropped to virtually zero which is driving me crazy as I have quite a high sex drive.

I've not had an affair (although the opportunity has arisen on more than one occasion) but the temptation now is becoming almost unbearable.

I've talked about this with my wife, being as sensitive as I can, and she nods and agrees, but then nothing changes.

I'm at my wits end and am becoming resigned to the fact that our sex-life is now over - any advice greatly appreciated!
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