Old 06-23-2008, 09:27 PM   #76
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Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
I'm picturing her wearing pantyhose. haha
DG
Then her ball cap would blow off.
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Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 06-23-2008, 10:18 PM   #77
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
SENILITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
This reminds me of a senility joke...

The first step toward senile is forgetting to zip up yours pants.

The second step is forgetting to unzip.

The third step is forgetting why you're pants are wet.
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Old 06-23-2008, 10:23 PM   #78
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
I'm picturing her wearing pantyhose. haha
DG
and floating to the ceiling
 

Old 06-24-2008, 07:37 AM   #79
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Maxine Joke

Another Maxine Joke. This old broad sure knows her stuff.


Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself...
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that.. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread."
 

Old 06-24-2008, 07:41 AM   #80
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Mating Season

This is really old but I'll share it anyway.
DG

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?' The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us.'

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Woo ooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN
 

Old 06-24-2008, 05:34 PM   #81
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The Geriatric Alphabet

A
is for
apple, and B is for
boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is
what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic
instead.

Now - The Geriatric Alphabet

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains, Perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H .. High blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I .. For incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

*I've survived
all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six
doctors fully employed!!!

Wow! The pleasures of growing old.
DG Hear
 

Old 06-24-2008, 10:08 PM   #82
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Killer biscuits

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws,
and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up
and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and
she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied
that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When
they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on
the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the
back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone
noticed and came to her aid.

Yes, friends, Linda is a blonde.=
 

Old 06-25-2008, 10:26 AM   #83
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Cool Paranoia

Paranoia!

I have a plan, but don't think for a minute that I would ever tell you what it is. You
would steal it! Then where would I be? I'll tell you where, without a plan! All
because you stole it! What audacity! Steal my plan! I'll see you burn in Hell first.
Get away from me, you... you... you... filthy dirty rotten thief! AND DON'T FINGER ME AGAIN! I mean it! I'll know. And then I'll have to get even. First you try to steal
my plan, then you finger me. I'll find out where you live. I'll track down your family
members. I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll not tell you what I'll do, because that is a plan,
MY PLAN! You'll just have to find out the HARD WAY. Try me and see!

Last edited by DesertPirate : 06-25-2008 at 12:19 PM.
 

Old 06-25-2008, 10:28 AM   #84
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"Dear Civilians, "We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

(1) The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem---kick their ass.

(2) When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest---kick their ass.

(3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

(4) (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

(5) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

(6) If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard 'non-military', inform them of their mistake---and kick their ass.

(7) Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her---of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.

(8) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation.

Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief (C in C). The President (for those who didn't know) is our C in C regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked!

(9) 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me---stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore, could kick your ass!

(10) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is? Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me---if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass.

(11) 'Flyboy' (Air Force), 'Jarhead' (Marines), 'Grunt' (Army), 'Squid' (Navy), 'Puddle Jumpers' (Coast Guard), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. That could get your ass kicked.

(12) Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of sailors and troops far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked."

"It is the soldier, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press.

"It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

"It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.

"It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag."



(Please pass this on so I won't have to kick your ass!)



"If you can read this, thank a teacher"

"If you are reading it in English, thank a veteran."
 

Old 06-25-2008, 10:30 AM   #85
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Cool

A Condensed Version of History
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter



The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.



These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were
the catalyst for th e splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
> > >

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet for shipping the beer, so early humans stayed close to the brewery.That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and do the sewing,
fetching, and shampooing and dressing of hair. This was the beginning of
the Liberal Movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into women. The rest became known
as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of socialism
so they could divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized
by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with a lime or an orange added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
(but like their beef well done), sushi, tofu, and French food. Another
interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than liberal men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood actors and group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women and families. Conservatives are big-game hunte rs , rodeo
cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally
anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies like to hire
other conservatives because they want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained
in Europe when conservatives first came to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing. This ends today's lesson in world history.......

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
angrily respond to this history lesson before forwarding it.

A Conservative on the other hand, will simply laugh and be so
convinced of the absolute truth of this history lesson that this email will be
forwarded immediately to other true believers and maybe to liberals just to
piss them off....
 

Old 06-25-2008, 11:37 AM   #86
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Good Friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by DesertPirate View Post
I have a plan, but don't think for a minute that I would ever tell you what it is. You
would steal it! Then where would I be? I'll tell you where, without a plan! All
because you stole it! What audacity! Steal my plan! I'll see you burn in Hell first.
Get away from me, you... you... you... filthy dirty rotten thief! AND DON'T FINGER ME AGAIN! I mean it! I'll know. And then I'll have to get even. First you try to steal
my plan, then you finger me. I'll find out where you live. I'll track down your family
members. I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll not tell you what I'll do, because that is a plan,
MY PLAN! You'll just have to find out the HARD WAY. Try me and see!
DP GOOD FRIEND, What the hell was that? I'll try to be guessing all day. haha
DG
 

Old 06-25-2008, 11:41 AM   #87
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Smile I Totally Agree!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DesertPirate View Post
"Dear Civilians, "We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas where we would like your assistance:

(1) The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the playing of the National Anthem---kick their ass.

(2) When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in protest---kick their ass.

(3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

(4) (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay when you were seven years old. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.

(5) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

(6) If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard 'non-military', inform them of their mistake---and kick their ass.

(7) Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her---of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe ass-kicking.

(8) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party affiliation.

Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief (C in C). The President (for those who didn't know) is our C in C regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your ass kicked!

(9) 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me---stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore, could kick your ass!

(10) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is? Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me---if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can go kick their ass.

(11) 'Flyboy' (Air Force), 'Jarhead' (Marines), 'Grunt' (Army), 'Squid' (Navy), 'Puddle Jumpers' (Coast Guard), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them. That could get your ass kicked.

(12) Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please remember that there are literally thousands of sailors and troops far from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked."

"It is the soldier, not the reporter who has given us the freedom of the press.

"It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us the freedom of speech.

"It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate.

"It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag."



(Please pass this on so I won't have to kick your ass!)



"If you can read this, thank a teacher"

"If you are reading it in English, thank a veteran."
I totally agree DP. My Grandson enlisted in the Air Force last Thursday and left for boot camp Tuesday. We are all proud of him.
 

Old 06-25-2008, 12:11 PM   #88
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
DP GOOD FRIEND, What the hell was that? I'll try to be guessing all day. haha
DG
The title is "Paranoia"

nuff said!
 

Old 06-25-2008, 12:17 PM   #89
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
I totally agree DP. My Grandson enlisted in the Air Force last Thursday and left for boot camp Tuesday. We are all proud of him.
I have a nephew (USMC Corporal) walking around Faluja right now and a cousin (Army LtCol.) with an intelligence Battalion (commands it). He has detachments he visits regularly, in Afganistan, Baghdad, Somalia, and Djibouti.
 

Old 06-25-2008, 07:58 PM   #90
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True friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little Smiley faces on this card
Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.


1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off.

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!


Friendship is like
peeing your pants,

everyone can see it,
but only you can feel the true warmth.
 

Old 06-25-2008, 08:16 PM   #91
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An extremely rare female gorilla was going into heat at the city zoo.

All attempts to find a male gorilla to impregnate her were futile.

In desperation, the zoo staff offered a $10,000.00 reward to any man who would have sex with the gorilla.

Only one person responded, O'Rourke the janitor.

"Sure and I'll have sex with that hairy beast. It reminds me of my second wife. But I have one request. The children must be raised in the faith."
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 06-25-2008, 08:23 PM   #92
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On Friendship -

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
-- George Carlin
 

Old 06-26-2008, 06:32 AM   #93
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Funny Guy

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetsubsarahh View Post
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
-- George Carlin
I went and saw George Carlin in person a couple of years back. He really was an interesting and funny guy. (Thanks Sarah)
 

Old 06-26-2008, 05:52 PM   #94
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Good Answer!!!

A man is laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seems to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turns and asks her,
'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.
 

Old 06-26-2008, 06:14 PM   #95
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
A man is laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seems to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turns and asks her,
'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.
Just spit out my tea!

BWAH!!!!

 

Old 06-26-2008, 09:12 PM   #96
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Sweet Sarah

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetsubsarahh View Post
Just spit out my tea!

BWAH!!!!

Does that mean you liked it or not. haha Is BWAH! Good or Bad.
I'm just happy someone is reading this humor thread.
Thanks
DG
 

Old 06-26-2008, 10:40 PM   #97
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Does that mean you liked it or not. haha Is BWAH! Good or Bad.
I'm just happy someone is reading this humor thread.
Thanks
DG
Oh, I always read it - I just never have much to add.

BWAH is good funny laughing.

Thank you for the thread!

 

Old 06-27-2008, 12:50 AM   #98
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Exactly what I would expect from the New York Slimes!

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull
her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his scoot, runs to the cage and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and
the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the biker says, "Sir, that was the most gallant
and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will
have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and
what political affiliation do you have?'"

The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it
indeed brings news of his actions, and reads the front page headline:

U.S. MARINE / OUTLAW BIKER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
 

Old 06-27-2008, 12:51 AM   #99
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
 
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I would drink beer.

In a boat, with a goat.
In a box, with a fox.
In the dark, in a park.
In a chair, with a bear.

I'll drink beer ANYWHERE!

I do, I do, I do like beer.

I am Slammed.
Slammed I am.

-----------------

TGIF!
The Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone Hacker
 

Old 06-27-2008, 12:55 AM   #100
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
 
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So simple, yet so profound.

Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson, on his 75th
birthday:

"I have outlived my dick."
 
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