Old 06-10-2008, 01:02 AM   #26
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
 
TE999's Avatar
 
TE999 is offline
Join Date: May 2006
Location: www.blindate.com
Posts: 30,074
Quote:
Originally Posted by starrkers View Post
A bloke goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the services?"

Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment", and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 AM till 5:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00
AM"

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM ,
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in
for that."
*tea spew* BWAHAHAHAHA!
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 06-10-2008, 01:19 AM   #27
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally Posted by TE999 View Post
*tea spew* BWAHAHAHAHA!
 

Old 06-10-2008, 06:16 AM   #28
S-Des
Comfortably Numb
 
S-Des's Avatar
 
S-Des is offline
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Is boredom a place???
Posts: 6,944
Heard this one today......


Two men who are conspiracy theorists die and find themselves at the pearly gates. The gates open and they hear the voice of God. "You will now be judged, but first I must tell you that Lee Harvey Oswald worked alone, Neil Armstrong did walk on the moon, and 9/11 was in fact perpetrated by a group of Saudi Arabian Muslim extremists."

The men slowly turned towards each other, shock evident on their faces.

The first man spoke. "Wow, these really do go all the way to the top!"


__________________
.


"You know what music is? It's a harmonic connection between all living things. Robin Williams . . . August Rush


"...There are plenty of more important things going on in the world: Alberto Gonzalez, Darfur, the Genesis reunion tour... Stephen Colbert
 

Old 06-10-2008, 06:45 AM   #29
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,475
Smile An old one but funny (to me anyway)

An old man was sitting on a park bench feeding the birds. Along came a young man and sat on the bench next to the older man. The old guy stared at the young man. He had his hair cut in some kind of a wierd mohawk style. It was long and spiked. It was also dyed many colors, red, yellow, blue, green, etc.

The old man couldn't help but stare. I guess the guy was some sort of punk rocker.

"What are you staring at old man?" asked the rocker.

"You!" replied the old man.

"Haven't you ever seen a punk rocker before?" asked the rocker.

"Well to be honest with you; I was pretty wild in my younger days. One time I got drunk and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you might be my son," replied the old man.
 

Old 06-10-2008, 10:48 AM   #30
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
 
DesertPirate's Avatar
 
DesertPirate is offline
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NC
Posts: 20,430
Cool

Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
An old man was sitting on a park bench feeding the birds. Along came a young man and sat on the bench next to the older man. The old guy stared at the young man. He had his hair cut in some kind of a wierd mohawk style. It was long and spiked. It was also dyed many colors, red, yellow, blue, green, etc.

The old man couldn't help but stare. I guess the guy was some sort of punk rocker.

"What are you staring at old man?" asked the rocker.

"You!" replied the old man.

"Haven't you ever seen a punk rocker before?" asked the rocker.

"Well to be honest with you; I was pretty wild in my younger days. One time I got drunk and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you might be my son," replied the old man.
If you remember the seventies, you weren't really a part of them!
 

Old 06-10-2008, 08:09 PM   #31
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,475
Restroom Signs

Ok, I didn'twrite these, just forwarded them. Stakkers, I like the one about no balls. Make sense to me.'
DG

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library,DukeUniversity , Durham , NC

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ

It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ

Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .

If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX
 

Old 06-10-2008, 10:32 PM   #32
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
 
cloudy's Avatar
 
cloudy is offline
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: neither here nor there
Posts: 37,965
Scientists have located the exact center of the internet.
__________________
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

Dear politicians and/or assorted twats who are against immigration,

We would be glad to help you pack.

Sincerely, Native Americans
 

Old 06-11-2008, 12:19 AM   #33
john-the-author
Literotica Guru
 
john-the-author's Avatar
 
john-the-author is offline
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,810
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
__________________
Kim and Me and Kim, Lynn, and Me-- stories from a long, hot weekend and what followed.

What I Like on Literotica, in limerick form

"I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $1000, Alex."

"Look at that pile of manuscripts... Pretty impressive, eh? I am now capable of committing the perfect crime, as I no longer have any fingerprints." --Neil Simon, The Star-Spangled Girl

"If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies." --Fran Leibowitz , Metropolitan Life
 

Old 06-11-2008, 03:16 AM   #34
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
 
cloudy's Avatar
 
cloudy is offline
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: neither here nor there
Posts: 37,965
Revenge is Sweet

__________________
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart," all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

Dear politicians and/or assorted twats who are against immigration,

We would be glad to help you pack.

Sincerely, Native Americans
 

Old 06-11-2008, 05:21 AM   #35
S-Des
Comfortably Numb
 
S-Des's Avatar
 
S-Des is offline
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Is boredom a place???
Posts: 6,944
The funniest non-PC comedic act I've seen.....well, next to Lisa Lampanelli. You have been warned.
__________________
.


"You know what music is? It's a harmonic connection between all living things. Robin Williams . . . August Rush


"...There are plenty of more important things going on in the world: Alberto Gonzalez, Darfur, the Genesis reunion tour... Stephen Colbert

Last edited by S-Des : 06-11-2008 at 05:31 AM.
 

Old 06-11-2008, 07:54 AM   #36
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,475
Don't send the wife to Home Depot

A Touching Home Depot Story

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new
hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she
was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked...'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot,' she exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her
to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room
Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
 

Old 06-12-2008, 06:59 AM   #37
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,475
Gas Milege

Little girl walks into her parents bedroom at a very inappropriate time. Her dad is lying on top of her mother. Luckily they are under the covers.

"Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy?" the little girl asks.

"Um,um, ahh, um, I'm filling her up with gas," the father replies trying to think of something.

"Gee, Mommy gets bad milege," replies the daughter.

"Why would you say that?" asks the father.

"Because the mailman just filled her up this morning," replied the daughter.
 

Old 06-12-2008, 09:11 AM   #38
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
 
DesertPirate's Avatar
 
DesertPirate is offline
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NC
Posts: 20,430
Cool

"If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC"

One of the more truthful statments ever!

"If I were an idiot and if I were a congressman, Ah but I repeat myself!" - Mark Twain

Last edited by DesertPirate : 06-12-2008 at 09:35 AM.
 

Old 06-12-2008, 11:13 PM   #39
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,475
God and Adam

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do
something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You
want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him.Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?'

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley,

Across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said
angrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?
 

Old 06-13-2008, 04:58 PM   #40
rgraham666
Literotica Guru
 
rgraham666 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 43,357
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady then reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.


The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.
__________________
The truth may be out there, but the lies are in your head. - Terry Pratchett

Rob is deep, thoughtful and so very empathetic. He too can take the load of a bad day off. - Colleen Thomas. I treasure these words even more now. Goodbye Colleen.

Place you can find me on the Web My Web Page Facebook

Now for sale: Quick Pieces Of Kink

My stuff

My Colleen Thomas memorial piece. I Can't Have Her

Now Available from Phaze The Gift Discovery.
 

Old 06-14-2008, 06:17 PM   #41
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,475
Little known fact # 18

Little Known Historical Facts, #18

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of
the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be
the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New
York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so
great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still
observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of
course, as.... Sinko de Mayo.
 

Old 06-14-2008, 06:20 PM   #42
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,475
Vet School

Vet School

First-year students at Texas A &M's Vet school were attending their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In
Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving
the animal body'.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his
finger in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his
students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The
second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's
tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid.'
 

Old 06-14-2008, 08:32 PM   #43
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
 
DesertPirate's Avatar
 
DesertPirate is offline
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NC
Posts: 20,430
Cool

What would anyone expect from a Texass Aggie?

 

Old 06-14-2008, 09:43 PM   #44
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,475
mooning symbols

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ASSICONS?'
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass


(__!__) a fat ass


(!) a tight ass


(_*_) a sore ass


{_!_} a swishy ass


(_o_) an ass that's been around


(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone


(_zzz_) a tired ass


(_E=mc2_) a smart ass


(_$_) Money coming out of his ass


(_?_) Dumb Ass
 

Old 06-14-2008, 09:46 PM   #45
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,475
Morris and Esther

I know some of these have been around but they are still a fun read.
DG

Morris and Esther

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 yea rs old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
 

Old 06-16-2008, 08:31 AM   #46
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,475
Men (in) Women

Of course this was sent to me by a woman. haha

Believe it or not.
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman.... (me too, but having a hard time succeding)
Why?
BECAUSE THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE HOME




Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now..
I never looked at it this way before:

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?


MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HISterectomy.
 

Old 06-16-2008, 11:31 PM   #47
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,475
You know a mother sent this to me!

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment .

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily , ad orn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the after noon a t the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each

night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and leng th of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right To be called Mother!
 

Old 06-17-2008, 07:58 AM   #48
damppanties
Tinkle, twinkle
 
damppanties's Avatar
 
damppanties is offline
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Pardes
Posts: 16,276
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in
their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses at them through the windshield

'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?'

'Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,' says
Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns.

'What shall I do now?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled It up with Holy Water at the
Vatican ,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.

'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts,


'Get the fuck off the car!'
__________________
ღ~

Vanity quotes:
"Dampy, I am your willing slave. " - NaokoSmith
"Well, you give good type. " - jomar
"Pls don't ever, ever, say you want to take off your clothes right after you or someone proclaimed your or their love to them or you" - Dino ♥
"You're just a good, down to earth girl who happens to write smut. And hang out on porn boards." - cheerful_deviant
"Dampy, the smut runs deep in your soul. Don't worry, it'll crest again." - bluebell7

 

Old 06-17-2008, 08:08 AM   #49
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,475
Smile Haha

DP, that was funny. It took me by surprise. haha
DG
 

Old 06-17-2008, 12:09 PM   #50
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
 
DesertPirate's Avatar
 
DesertPirate is offline
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NC
Posts: 20,430
Cool

*Coffee spew*
 
Closed Thread


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:30 PM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.