Humor Thread

DG Hear said:

...
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Click to expand...

Now that one is funny -- and poppin' fresh.

DG Hear said:

This one makes me laugh.
DG

A woman went to her boyfriend's parents house for
Christmas Dinner. This was her first time meeting the family and she was very nervous. They all sat down and began eating a fine meal.

The woman began to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. ...

Click to expand...

redpaint said:

Broccoli Casserole

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. ...

Click to expand...

redpaint said:

If ya don't like the jokes I post.......Then post your own.

Click to expand...

It was funny when DG posted it fifteen minutes before you did with the formattng fixed so it was readable.

THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play
two sports
and either take music
or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;
keep his assigned house clean ,
correct all homework,
and complete science projects,
cook, do laundry,
and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out
on time--no emailing .

Each man must also
take each child to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make
one unscheduled and inconvenient
visit per child
to the Urgent Care.

He must also
make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,
planting flowers outside
and keeping it presentable
at all times.

The men will only
have access to television
when the kids are asleep
and all chores are done.

The men must
shave their legs ,
wear makeup daily,
adorn himself with jewelry,
wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,
keep fingernails polished
and eyebrows groomed .

During one of the six weeks ,
the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches,
and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or
slow down from other duties.

They must attend
weekly school meetings,
church, and find time
at least once to spend the afternoon
at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to
read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them, dress them ,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information:
each child's birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size
and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear and
what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island
based on performance.
The last man wins only if...
he still has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over
and over again for the next 18-25 years
eventually earning the right
To be called Mother!

Stock Market Investment tips for 2008

Get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2008.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Posted By Redpaint
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

I want some stock in that company, especially if Palin is the VP. Good looks and a gun slinger.

Some good ones there Red.
DG

The mixup

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."

"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."

"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."

"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."

"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time."

"I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway."

"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said,

"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a Gynecologist."



The Proctologist then fainted.

THE UGLY FROG

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, "I'm lonely too. Buy me and take me home. You won't ever be sorry."

The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her Kiss me and you won't be sorry."

So! The old lady figured, what the heck, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

The prince then returned the old lady's kiss.
Suddenly the old lady found herself transforming from his kiss. Can you guess what the old lady turned into???

COME ON GUESS!














SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!



She's old...... NOT DEAD !!!!!

OLD LADIES ROCK

Cute Stuff Kimmie! Thank you.
DG

Christmas With Louise

For anyone who has never read this, it is really really funny.
DG

"Christmas with Louise"

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?"..."You're kidding me!"..."Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

"Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny, Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember! Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

Louise went on to be the star at several bachelor parties. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

"Hello... Hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"

For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?"

Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing; "Vote for John McCain... Vote for John McCain!"

Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive."

Penis Surgery

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action".

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

Benefits Of Sex

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.


IF YOU BELIEVE THIS; CONTACT ME

Design Flaws

THE HARLEY

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St.Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed theworld, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season Is Like Christmas

Number Ten:
Decorating the house (with plywood).

Number Nine:
Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season.

Number Eight:
Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

Number Seven:
Regular TV shows pre-empted for 'Specials'.

Number Six:
Family coming to stay with you.

Number Five:
Family and friends from out of state calling you.

Number Four:
Buying food you don't normally buy . . . and in large quantities.

Number Three:
Days off from work.

Number Two:
Candles.

And the Number One reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas:
At some point you're probably going to have a tree in your house!

I had a terrible dream about you guys.

Somehow we were all at a party in Galveston, and had not heard about
Hurricane Ike. We didn't realize anything was happening until the roof
blew off the hotel we were in. We took cover as best we could, but I got
separated from the rest of you.

Suddenly, the hotel got ripped apart and I was horrified to see the part
of the hotel with you guys aboard go sailing violently away, crashing
into other houses and stuff.

I was frantic. Here I was losing all of my friends and correspondents in
one fell swoop. I ran back and forth trying to find something I could
throw and possibly save some of you.

And then --
-
-
-
-
-
-

-
God spoke to me, saying "Fear not, my child. Shit floats."

A Woman's prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please Lord, send me no more freaks.
Just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who's sweet as pie,
Who brushes his teeth & doesn't lie,
Who dresses neat & always trimmed,
And is sexy like that man Denzel.

If I should die before I wake ,
That would truly take the cake.
No matrimony or honeymoon,
No fancy reception planned for June.

No throwing off the wedding bouquet.
Please God, don't let me go out that way,
If I die before i meet Mr.Right,
I won't go out without a fight.

But then again, with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck,
The single life is not that bad,
I know it's just a passing fad.

I won't be blue. I wil not frown.
Besides I like my toilet seat down,
No more makeup, won't comb my hair,
So never mind this stupid prayer.

The single life will do just fine,
So what's up Girlfriend????
It's PARTY TIME!!!!!!!

Ever Wonder...

EVER WONDER...

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

Still wondering?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

A doctor was stitching-up an old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle .You know she didn't get up there by herself, she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there to begin with."

There were 3 guys doing time in a cell...
A black guy
A russian guy
and last but not least a Chinese guy..

Guard come up to the cell and says "oi you three..Add the lenth of all your willys and if it adds up to 12 inches I'll let you go..."

Soo the 3 guy agree..
the black guy pulls out his willy and its ''6 inches''..Russian guy pulls out his, Its ''5.5 inches''
Chinese guy pokes out his and its ''0.5 inches''..the guard goes ok and frees them..Later that night the three men meet up at a bar and the black guy goes ''You're lucky I had 6 inches''
The russian guy goes ''You're Lucky I had 5.5 inches'' and the Chinese guy then says ''You're both Lucky I had A ''Hard On.''

Hi All,

Im against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.

Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a "We Deserve It Dividend".

To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000 bonifide U.S. Citizens 18+.

Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child.


So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.

So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00 per.

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a "We Deserve It Dividend".

Of course, it would NOT be tax free; so let's assume a tax rate of 30%.

Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes; that sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.

But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. A husband and wife has $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

Pay off your mortgage, housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans, what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college, it'll be there
Save in a bank, create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car, create jobs
Invest in the market , capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance, health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean, or else

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers

and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we're going to re-distribute wealth, let's really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 (vote buy)

economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.

If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG, liquidate it. Sell off its parts. Let American General go back to being American General.

Sell off the real estate. Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here's my rationale. We deserve it, and AIG doesn't.

Sure it's a crazy idea that can never work. Maybe???

But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion "We Deserve It Dividend"

more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.

And remember, the Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly

in taxes to Uncle Sam.

Pass it on!!