Q for Internet Dating Experts

Hi,

Having split with my last girlfriend back in March, a month or two back, I decided to try Internet dating. So far I’ve had four dates, 3 with nice girls. One was a lovely person, but there was no sexual spark. The second is in the middle somewhere; I think she’s sexy, but need a second date to confirm compatibility (she’s said the same). The third girl seems too good to be true…

…we met at a café for a coffee. Ended up spending whole day together, going onto restaurants, pubs etc. She texted me immediately next day and said ‘let’s repeat the experience’. Second date was a dinner date, on a weekday. Went ok – had a laugh.

Three weeks elapsed between dates 2 and 3 as it’s the cold season here and we both got bugs.

Had third date last night. It was a restaurant date and went ok. As it was a weekday I wasn’t expecting to get her in bed, but wouldn’t have said no. At 11pm she said, as it was a weekday, she wanted to get home. I dropped her off. I got a decent kiss + cuddle off her, before she joked about feeling like a teenager cuddling in a car and we said goodnight.

So far, so good. My next plan was / is to invite her off for a weekend break somewhere.

However…I noticed she was surfing the dating website this morning, less than 12 hrs after our date…

Ok, she doesn’t know me well. I wouldn’t expect her to abandon the site until we’re an item – that’s understandable. But I can’t help feeling that if there were any potential in the relationship you wouldn’t be surfing a dating site the next morning after a third date, would you? I haven’t had a text yet today (I haven’t sent her one either).

Am I being touchy here? Should I just move on? I don’t want to get hurt. The last girl to really hurt me, over ten yrs ago, was also a PR girl… I probably am more than weary of her, being in PR – it’s her job to make you think she likes you.

Am I being touchy? Thanks for any comments.

JohnZee said:

However…I noticed she was surfing the dating website this morning, less than 12 hrs after our date…

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and your own intentions of being back online at the dating website less than twelve hours later were what? - just sayin'

JohnZee said:

Hi,

Having split with my last girlfriend back in March, a month or two back, I decided to try Internet dating. So far I’ve had four dates, 3 with nice girls. One was a lovely person, but there was no sexual spark. The second is in the middle somewhere; I think she’s sexy, but need a second date to confirm compatibility (she’s said the same). The third girl seems too good to be true…

…we met at a café for a coffee. Ended up spending whole day together, going onto restaurants, pubs etc. She texted me immediately next day and said ‘let’s repeat the experience’. Second date was a dinner date, on a weekday. Went ok – had a laugh.

Three weeks elapsed between dates 2 and 3 as it’s the cold season here and we both got bugs.

Had third date last night. It was a restaurant date and went ok. As it was a weekday I wasn’t expecting to get her in bed, but wouldn’t have said no. At 11pm she said, as it was a weekday, she wanted to get home. I dropped her off. I got a decent kiss + cuddle off her, before she joked about feeling like a teenager cuddling in a car and we said goodnight.

So far, so good. My next plan was / is to invite her off for a weekend break somewhere.

However…I noticed she was surfing the dating website this morning, less than 12 hrs after our date…

Ok, she doesn’t know me well. I wouldn’t expect her to abandon the site until we’re an item – that’s understandable. But I can’t help feeling that if there were any potential in the relationship you wouldn’t be surfing a dating site the next morning after a third date, would you? I haven’t had a text yet today (I haven’t sent her one either).

Am I being touchy here? Should I just move on? I don’t want to get hurt. The last girl to really hurt me, over ten yrs ago, was also a PR girl… I probably am more than weary of her, being in PR – it’s her job to make you think she likes you.

Am I being touchy? Thanks for any comments.

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Could be she was telling her other suitors to buzz off. Or maybe she's so intrigued with you, she needs to remind herself not to get too serious. I'm wondering that maybe you should ask yourself why you're so jealous so soon?

I'm not jealous (well, consciously anyway). I don't want to get hurt - simple as that. If she's chatting to other guys so soon after a third date, maybe she isn't that keen, so my suspicion is to be aware of this fact and not get too attached.

She didn't tick the 'private' box on her profile, so I don't need to log in to see when she's been online. She's in my favourites and it's one click away. I was looking for the above reason. I find her very sexy. As a person, she's bubbly. However, bearing in mind I had my heart broken by a PR girl a few yrs back, I am concerned that *if she wanted to make me feel like a million dollars, contrary to whether she were particularly attached to me, her training would enable her to do so*. Cynical, yes. But you can't erase some memories.

Thanks.

NightL said:

and your own intentions of being back online at the dating website less than twelve hours later were what? - just sayin'

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Oh, snap!

She didn't tick the 'private' box, so any joker can see her profile via their browser favourites without being logged in. You cannot contact anyone if you're not logged in - this was purely to get an indication if she was back online after the third date. I'm not a player, seriously.

It's possible that she was on there to read through your profile again and drool over your pictures. She could also have been checking to see if you had sent her a message on the site. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about her motives just yet.

At the same time, three dates isn't a lot of time and she's most likely been burned before too so she's going to want to keep her options open.

A friend of mine is newly single and using a dating site and the dating scene as a grown adult is so much more complicated than it was when we were younger. Just relax and give her the benefit of a doubt.

Thanks, Jen. That had occurred to me, so I logged in to see if she'd visited my profile, but no. She hasn't since our first date.

She was married for 9 yrs until 3 yrs ago. She's very eligible. I get the impression she wants a casual relationship (monogamously, not suggesting she's slutty). I'm incurably romantic, so suspect I could be on the wrong path.

Just be open to any possibilities.
By pre judging her you are not going to go anywhere with her. She is not the your ex.
Yes be aware as always but live in the moment and be open to whatever way things go. Your gut will tell you what is really going on.
Also why not just ask what her feelings are instead of guessing?

JohnZee said:

Thanks, Jen. That had occurred to me, so I logged in to see if she'd visited my profile, but no. She hasn't since our first date.

She was married for 9 yrs until 3 yrs ago. She's very eligible. I get the impression she wants a casual relationship (monogamously, not suggesting she's slutty). I'm incurably romantic, so suspect I could be on the wrong path.

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It seems like you're jumping to a lot of conclusions and making many assumptions. Instead of doing that and obsessing over why this woman visited the dating site, why not give her a call to let her know you had a great time on your last date and set up another date? During that date, it seems it'd be appropriate to discuss goals/intentions, like what type of relationship both of you are seeking, where you see yourselves short- and long-term, etc. Communication and honesty are key in any relationship; if this one could stick, you really need to practice both of those from the start. I'd suggest keeping the fact that you noticed she was on the dating site the morning after your last date to yourself because not much good can come of mentioning it, but DO clarify and get her thoughts on the type of relationship she's seeking and such, rather than assume how she is or what she's thinking/feeling.

There are plenty of reasons why she might have logged into the dating site after your date. I say give her a chance to share her perspectives with you before you draw your own conclusions.

I texted her, offering to cook dinner ‘this weekend’ i.e. not pressurising her for a day. She’s texted back, saying ‘can’t do this weekend, how about next Friday’.

It seems to me that after waiting another 8 days (was 2 weeks between dates 2-3 due to cold bugs on both our behalves) will kill the passion. She’ll be on the dating site every day and I’ll feel obligated to do the same.

I’m totally seeing danger signs here. I reckon she wants something way more casual than I do.

Also, arranging dates with other girls, knowing I’m 3 dates into another venture, isn’t fair on the other girls, is it?

Thanks, Erika as ever.

I don't know your situation as well as you do, so take what I say with a pinch of salt.

You sound worried. You sound suspicious. You sound almost paranoid. Perhaps it might be a good idea to take a step back and just let things happen as they happen.

As for seeing other girls... if you really want to, then do. But be honest about it with everyone concerned. Talking to her is the only way you're going to find out what she's thinking.

I will be blunt - you come across as a petulant, self obsessed teenager.

Yes I've pulled the following out of context - but it is every second line




If I were to offer advice, it would be to her - RUN

JohnZee said:

I texted her, offering to cook dinner ‘this weekend’ i.e. not pressurising her for a day. She’s texted back, saying ‘can’t do this weekend, how about next Friday’.

It seems to me that after waiting another 8 days (was 2 weeks between dates 2-3 due to cold bugs on both our behalves) will kill the passion. She’ll be on the dating site every day and I’ll feel obligated to do the same.

I’m totally seeing danger signs here. I reckon she wants something way more casual than I do.

Also, arranging dates with other girls, knowing I’m 3 dates into another venture, isn’t fair on the other girls, is it?

Thanks, Erika as ever.

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Wow, paranoid much?

Even as a "boring" wife and mother of a toddler, I have plans nearly every weekend. If someone wanted to schedule something with me, they'd need to ask more than a day or two in advance. Plus, I don't know where you're at, but here it's a big holiday weekend, and most people are spending it with their loved ones. I'd imagine people in other many other countries are still planning on shopping this weekend; the weekend after the American Thanksgiving has caught on as a big holiday kickoff/shopping affair in other parts of the world. If you want a date with anyone, you really should ask in person or via phone a week or so in advance so they can schedule it, especially at this time of year! Texting is too casual and leaves a lot of room for misinterpretation; for instance, this woman's actual voice might have expressed a lot of regret, which would have told you she's into you but simply can't schedule a date on such short notice.


Anyhow, it sounds like you're both setting yourself up for failure and searching for excuses for why this relationship won't work and you need to work on yourself more before you consider getting into any relationship. A week isn't going to kill any passion that exists. People get sick. PR people are often very good communicators. You don't KNOW she'd be on a dating site everyday, nor would you have to get on that dating site. You don't know what she wants until you ask her.

Sounds to me like it may be too soon for you.

I can't believe the rude replies here.

But you are feeling a bit insecure, and looking for monsters under the bed. If a relationship would start, you still have some past issues to work through, before it would go smoothly.

I would open the discussion about it, but make it clear its ok for her to be blunt, as dancing around the issue isn't a good thing for you. Let her tell you what she wants, where she is at, before you make any decisions.

Its hard getting back out there, rejection sucks. I found being blunt and honest myself, brings out the clairity and honesty in others, as well as the crazy thank god I missed that boat stuff as well. Lol

I have made quite a few friends, on dating sites, though met my guy the old fashioned way,at a bar minding my own business and don't usually do the bar thing, its been two years since the last time I went...anyway I digress.

If they are the one, then you have stuff to wade through. If not, then your gut is probably right.

So the question is, is she the one?

You don't KNOW she'd be on a dating site everyday

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One click of my mouse (without logging in) told me she was on there this morning. So, two mornings in series after our last Wed eve date.

On one hand, I think it's a positive that she's on the site. If she meets someone else she clicks with that soon, then any relationship of ours would've been short-lived.

On the other hand, although I'd really like to go on other dates this week, I'd feel totally dishonest, knowing that I was at a 'third date' stage with another girl - albeit not having had sex yet.

One other poster suggested going on dates and making it clear to the other girls. Would any girl here go on a date with a guy who made it clear he was at the 'third date stage' with another girl? No f*cking way. Not unless she were competitive and wanted to see if she could snare the guy off the other girl; at which point she'd dump him, having taught him a lesson

Thefamiliar said:

Sounds to me like it may be too soon for you.

I can't believe the rude replies here.

But you are feeling a bit insecure, and looking for monsters under the bed. If a relationship would start, you still have some past issues to work through, before it would go smoothly.

I would open the discussion about it, but make it clear its ok for her to be blunt, as dancing around the issue isn't a good thing for you. Let her tell you what she wants, where she is at, before you make any decisions.

Its hard getting back out there, rejection sucks. I found being blunt and honest myself, brings out the clairity and honesty in others, as well as the crazy thank god I missed that boat stuff as well. Lol

I have made quite a few friends, on dating sites, though met my guy the old fashioned way,at a bar minding my own business and don't usually do the bar thing, its been two years since the last time I went...anyway I digress.

If they are the one, then you have stuff to wade through. If not, then your gut is probably right.

So the question is, is she the one?

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Nice post, thanks.

I consider myself lucky. When I tried Internet dating a couple of yrs back I met a couple of really screwed up girls who weren't nice at all. So far, this time around, all the girls I've met have been 'nice'. The limiting factor has been sexual attraction. I can't tell, in all honesty, if the girl I'm dating in this instance is particularly 'nice'. She gives nothing away. I don't think she's into pets, which (purely in my experience) can be indicative someone's a little cold. What do I know?

My barometer for sexual attraction is to think how often I'd like to go down on her. If it's on special occasions that's not a good sign! I'd like to go down on the PR girl every day. I had a couple of dates a few weeks back with a girl that was really, really sweet, but I didn't feel gravitated towards her crotch... I now feel guilty for being so picky. She's a nice girl; maybe I can condition myself to feel more inclined to dive down there

Thanks to all of you for the advice :beer icon:

My suggestion - talk to her about it. Don't make assumptions or jump to conclusions; you'll almost always be wrong.

My own personal barometer might be skewed from most people's because of a past bad experience, but two of my three "deal breakers" for a relationship are control issues from the man and jealousy. I can't and won't deal with either of those. (The third deal breaker is physical or psychological abuse, but I hope most women consider that a deal breaker anyway.)

Frankly, as others have already said, I'd be more concerned with your behavior and attitude. By your own admission, the two of you aren't an exclusive item yet, so you really have no claim on her. And as somebody already mentioned, she could just be busy. Holiday weekend or plans with family or friends could be at play here. Instead of letting your fears or insecurities rule your life (and possibly fuck up a good relationship), talk to her about it. The truth isn't usually as bad as the scenarios we build up in our minds. If you're ready to be exclusive, talk to her about that as well. It's possible that she isn't. After all, 3 dates? Some would consider that to be moving pretty fast. If I were dating a man who became jealous and insecure after three dates, that would be a huge red flag for me.

Thanks for the reply, but in all honesty, I think the insinuation that I'm 'jealous' is ad-hominem. If you read the post I made earlier, I think it's not a bad thing that she's checking out other guys in some ways. My 'issue' with her returning to the site so soon after the third date is purely that it gives me the impression she's not really that interested; and personally, I feel awkward dating other girls, knowing I'm 3 dates into something with another girl.

If you want to think I'm jealous or suchlike, that's fine. I'm simply into self-protection.

My suggestion - talk to her about it. Don't make assumptions or jump to conclusions; you'll almost always be wrong.

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You are totally right on these points, I concede.

JohnZee said:

If you read the post I made earlier, I think it's not a bad thing that she's checking out other guys in some ways. My 'issue' with her returning to the site so soon after the third date is purely that it gives me the impression she's not really that interested; and personally, I feel awkward dating other girls, knowing I'm 3 dates into something with another girl.

If you want to think I'm jealous or suchlike, that's fine. I'm simply into self-protection.

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Oy, kiddo. And people say that I tend to over-analyse! You certainly have me beat.

Look at the bolded section. Read it. Then re-read it again. Ponder upon it for a moment or three. Take your time. Now read it again.

If you still haven't figured out what causes many posters, some of them, such as SweetErika , who are extremely wise and knowledgeable, let me spell it out for you.

You say that you don't have a problem with her going to the site.

The next breath you say all you have a problem with her going to the site so soon after the mythical third date.

Either you do not have a problem with her going on the website, or you do. Your stipulations indicate jealousy. I hate to be so blunt but yes, that's what it is, and no, it's not an ad hominem response. I really don't care either way, and I'm looking at what you have said through an objective lens.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe she didn't log out?

And for the finale, may I point out that you have absolutely no commitment with this young lady? Ergo, she does not have to answer to you. If she is seeing other men more intimately than casually (in other words, she's having sex with them), then yes the proper protocol would be to let all potential suitors know. If she's just meeting them for coffee, then what business is it of yours?

Forget that you've been on the 'third' date. None of that matters anymore, and I highly doubt that it ever did. Since when did the dating world come with a check-list that you must be doing this by this date? It may be that she's not comfortable with moving that fast. She may be enjoying getting to know people.

Take it from somebody who has been stalked, both on-line and off-line: what you are describing is close to stalker behaviour. I suggest that you back off and cool it. She may or may not be interested in you. She may or may not have been on-line on that website. You may or may not have a problem with her going onto that website. She may or may not have plans for this weekend.

The only way you'll know for sure is to open that damned box and talk to her. You know, a simple "Look, I really like you and I'd be interested in finding out where this can lead. What are your thoughts?" Instead of agnosing her every action, which may or may not mean X, I strongly suggest that you get some concrete answers because she's the only one who will be able to tell you anything.

It's Schrödinger's cat all over .

Good luck .

You had three dates that went well, she offered to cook dinner this weekend, and then put you off until next weekend?

If I were interested in a guy, I wouldn't put him off for over a week to see him again unless I really couldn't make the time (out of town, family responsibility, etc.) Not available on a weekend? It's usually not a good sign.

Keep in mind that men outnumber women on personal sites 3-to-1, but in the end, it's all about mutual chemistry and compatibility ... not competition.

MsQuote said:

You had three dates that went well, she offered to cook dinner this weekend, and then put you off until next weekend?

If I were interested in a guy, I wouldn't put him off for over a week to see him again unless I really couldn't make the time (out of town, family responsibility, etc.) Not available on a weekend? It's usually not a good sign.

Keep in mind that men outnumber women on personal sites 3-to-1, but in the end, it's all about mutual chemistry and compatibility ... not competition.

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I asked her if she'd let me cook for her 'this weekend' (i.e. not naming a day). She texted back, 'can't do this weekend, how about next friday?'. We've texted each other in a friendly manner today and have confirmed next Fri.

I have potentially arranged a couple of dates next week. I felt that, if she's on the site, I might as well. One of the dates is with a really sweet girl I met a couple of weeks back. However, I just didn't immediately want to jump into her knickers. I'm hoping there might be a way to trigger me to find her more sexually attractive - she's really easy to talk to and seems sweet.

The girl in question here is the opposite; I find her immensely sexually attractive, but I haven't witnessed much emotion in her. She just seems too in control. The reason I started the thread is, obviously, whatever her 'game' is (whether intended or not), it's f*cking working. The last girl to do this to me was a PR girl.

BTW - I'm the easiest guy ever to call off - my ego is such that, if a girl signifies she's not interested, I pretend she doesn't exist and delete her no. from my phone. I don't even know why I'm rising to the bait on this...the term 'stalker' is simply moronic flame bait.

JohnZee said:

Thanks for the reply, but in all honesty, I think the insinuation that I'm 'jealous' is ad-hominem. If you read the post I made earlier, I think it's not a bad thing that she's checking out other guys in some ways. My 'issue' with her returning to the site so soon after the third date is purely that it gives me the impression she's not really that interested; and personally, I feel awkward dating other girls, knowing I'm 3 dates into something with another girl.

If you want to think I'm jealous or suchlike, that's fine. I'm simply into self-protection.

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Hon, this wasn't meant as any kind of personal attack or snap judgment on your character. We don't know you; we only have your written word to go by. You are probably the least stalker-ish person on the planet, but what you've written does come across as stalker-ish. Please forgive the assumption because as a PP already said, a lot of us have been stalked before, and this behavior reminds us a lot of some of the flags that were raised in our previous situations.

Having said that, I still can't understand the significance of the "third date." Three dates isn't much at all; it's still very much in the getting-to-know-you stage. If she's being cautious about making a commitment this early in the game with you, she's being smart. She may still be trying to decide if you're as great as you seem to be. Lots of people are skeptics; maybe she's thinking that it's too good to be true. If she's been burned before, it's very likely that she's doing just that. The fact that the two of you met on a dating site may be slowing her down as well.

My husband and I met online; we knew each other in real life for at least 4-5 months before we had sex - and even longer before we mentioned love or commitment. (And we'd been friends online for a few years before we met in real life.) We'd both been burned in previous relationships, and it took us a while to realize that we could trust our own judgment about each other.

The point is - you'll never know unless you talk to her about it. We can sit here all day and second guess her motives and intentions, but she's really the only one who can tell you.

I truly hope for the best for you. Time will tell if she's "the one." In the meantime, try to just enjoy your budding friendship and relationship. Over-analyzing the relationship this early in the game probably isn't very wise. Face it; you barely know her - and she barely knows you.

BeachMomma said:

Hon, this wasn't meant as any kind of personal attack or snap judgment on your character. We don't know you; we only have your written word to go by. You are probably the least stalker-ish person on the planet, but what you've written does come across as stalker-ish. Please forgive the assumption because as a PP already said, a lot of us have been stalked before, and this behavior reminds us a lot of some of the flags that were raised in our previous situations.

Having said that, I still can't understand the significance of the "third date." Three dates isn't much at all; it's still very much in the getting-to-know-you stage. If she's being cautious about making a commitment this early in the game with you, she's being smart. She may still be trying to decide if you're as great as you seem to be. Lots of people are skeptics; maybe she's thinking that it's too good to be true. If she's been burned before, it's very likely that she's doing just that. The fact that the two of you met on a dating site may be slowing her down as well.

My husband and I met online; we knew each other in real life for at least 4-5 months before we had sex - and even longer before we mentioned love or commitment. (And we'd been friends online for a few years before we met in real life.) We'd both been burned in previous relationships, and it took us a while to realize that we could trust our own judgment about each other.

The point is - you'll never know unless you talk to her about it. We can sit here all day and second guess her motives and intentions, but she's really the only one who can tell you.

I truly hope for the best for you. Time will tell if she's "the one." In the meantime, try to just enjoy your budding friendship and relationship. Over-analyzing the relationship this early in the game probably isn't very wise. Face it; you barely know her - and she barely knows you.

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True. Every word of it. Thanks for taking the time to let me have your thoughts.