How do you cope with a sexless marriage?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage
including those where sexual intimacy occurs less than ten times per year.

How do you cope with a sexless marriage?

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I'm just glad I don't have to-- for any reason.

Options (assuming you've done what you can in the way of talking about it to resolve problems):
1. Leave
2. Take a lover
3. Masturbate

I stuck with option 3 for years but option 2 eventually happened. Whether option 1 will follow I don't know.

4. Fix the outside-of-the-bedroom issues that are causing the problem.

I'm LMAO because the term "Sexless Marriage" has a Wikipedia entry. Is this something that really needs to be defined?

Did option 3 for 15 years. Attempted option 4 with marriage counseling at different times throughout the latter part of option 3. Eventually exercised option 2. With no resolution in sight, finally exercised option 1.

My first husband, who was 19 yrs older than me, lost interest in having any kind of sex at all after we had been married about 4 yrs.

I held out hope for awhile and we went to lots of counselors and doctors....His testosterone levels were tested and they were normal.

Eventually though, I did start having an affair, and shortly after that we ended the marriage.

However, I have been in my second marriage for 10 yrs now, and we have sex 2-3x per week...I feel very lucky to have finally found a man who is compatible with me in every way......

Still going w/ option 3. daily.

jd_quiet_guy said:

Still going w/ option 3. daily.

Click to expand...

If you are in a marriage with no sex, or very little sex, option 3 does work for awhile.....I went with option 3 in my first marriage for a long time.

But when I was in that situation, I eventually got to the point where I needed sexual contact with someone.

I think actually sexless marriages can work if neither partner is particularly into sex, where sex wasn't important to them, and yes, I have met couples like that. They were perfectly happy not having sex, they were intimate, cuddled with each other, were affectionate, but for whatever reasons didn't need sex..and if it works, well, hey, that's their relationship.

I also lived in a marriage where for large periods were were sex deficient (less then 10 times a year easily), and the answer for me was #3. It isn't a great option, because with #3 you start living up in your head, fantasy life, and then you can easily get off into cybersex, chat of all kinds and e-mail stuff, and the line starts blurring and you end up going outside, which often leads to the end of it. In my case, it was a stubborn streak and also maybe quite frankly I might simply have not found having sex with someone outside my marriage that attractive (there were times when I was tempted, and when exploring my gender stuff, did have some encounters, handful...). Ultimate what seemed to work was we both had hope someday it would turn around, and it has/did..... partners of victims of sexual abuse know a lot about this, it can be a long/hard road back to sexual normalcy, ironically, the sex gets worse when the victim works on it/gets treatment, as the emotions and the memories are brought back up. One book I read for the partners of victims of abuse said that they found themselves becoming quite imaginative and creative in finding ways to fantasize and take care of themselves, that if they knew how to write they could probably write an erotic story about anything *lol*......

In the end, the answer is either you accept that the sexless marriage is a fact, and have to decide a)is there any way to fix that, and attempt it b)if not, can you get by by masturbating, or if not c)can you look outside and still have a satisfying marriage or d)leave the marriage and find someone you can have sex with. IME some people are able to do C, with or without the knowledge of their spouse, but a lot find c leads to d.

This is a somewhat complicated answer for me.

In my humble experience there are a broad spectrum of things that can contribute to a couple finding themselves in a situation where one or both spouses are unhappy with the sexual status quoue. In my own case it was a long road through hormonal birth controll related issues, health problems, communication problems, schedules, and mismatched expectations.

I found that retreating into a solo sex life eventually led to a bigger chasm forming between us emotionally. Masturbation was a coping mechanism. I am ashamed to add that there was a measure of resentment in having to resort to it, driving the wedge deeper.

First of all, I believe that both spouses have to understand that if it's a problem for one then it is a problem for both. Our's is a longish story that I have posted elsewhere on this forum. I'll try not rehash it here, but to summarize eventually we came a mutual and loving agreement that the situation was not healthy for the marriage. Being alone in my sex life made me feel alone in my marriage. My wife had a vested interest in addressing that problem. We had to commit as a couple to making our marriage stronger and more vibrant. I think that we both knew that our sucess or failure depended on both of us making a constant effort.

"Effort" for us turned out to be a combination of understanding, compassion, and practical approaches to solving the problem. As has been eluded to here, many sexual problems start outside of the bedroom and working on that can not be overemphasized. Something I can boil down from the other post is that we had reached a point where every time I touched her she would assume it was because I wanted sex, and she'd mentally start preparing to turn me down. I would refrain from touching her, and between us we made things worse. We were unable to enjoy any physical affection, not just sex. That kind of truly vulnerable communication can be difficult in light of the problems in the marriage, and we found that having a marriage counselor helped us rebuild our communication.

Some problems are physiological. That turned out to be the case for us. For those we both had to take a proactive approach to looking for reasons why there was no interest in sex, and just keep trying new things. Mercifully we were not a couple who experienced pain during sex. If that had been a part of the problem, then I'm sure we'd have found something that worked but it certainly would have complicated things (as if they weren't already complicated enough).

Not surprisingly communication turned out to be a key part of our solution. What we did find to be essential was changing our approach to sex, including being open to the possibility of sex. Just because she insn't interested in sex at any given moment doesn't mean that she won't become aroused and receptive with loving attention. This inevitably means choosing the right time, turning off the TV and iPod, and focusing our attention on each other. We have massage oils and various sensation toys. For my part, I don't pressure her and if sex doesn't happen, I accept that lovingly. For her part this usually means letting me be affectionate without worrying about hurt feelings if it doesn't lead to anything. If it isn't happening, we enjoy sexual contact in whatever form it ends up taking. That can be anything from simple spooning and carresses to one sided pleasure. Thankfully we have discovered that it often does lead to mutually enjoyable sex.

So, for us the solution is working on the situaiton together and putting our love for each other first. I can say for certain that this approach has led to a much more fulfilling sex life than we had when we were both avoiding the problem. The frequency may not be ideal, but the hurt and resentment have been replaced with love and acceptance.