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How To Compromise.

LostBabygirl3489

LostBabygirl3489

Literotica Guru
Joined
Sep 24, 2015
Posts
1,940
Hello everyone. I hope everyone has a good holiday tomorrow.

I guess I have an issue that's been bothering me for quite some time and I need some advice. I used to post on here a lot a few months ago and I stopped when I found my partner. Before that time, though, I was avidly searching for a dom primarily, but sometimes seeking a sub. I look back now and realize that I was being too picky and that I should have broadened my search to people that live far from me, but oh well.

Anyway, I feel really guilty for saying this but I kind of wish I wasn't in a relationship right now. I've been working really hard to claim my body back and with patience and perseverance, I have done so. In the past, men would be enamored by my sultry selfies and I would try to warn them that I don't look as good in person, fearing that they would get disappointed, and I was almost always right. I don't blame them for disliking my heavier self, but if I were to start searching again now, I don't think I'd encounter the same problem.

But I have a partner. And while I don't judge anyone that is partnered and has an extramarital affair, I can't bring myself to do it. It's just not worth it to me. But I can't deny that my kinky side is extremely depressed and neglected. I haven't felt this lost and confused in such a long time.

It also doesn't help that my partner is trans (a transwoman) and I was ignorant before, deluded by porn, thinking I could pleasure her orally and bring her to orgasm that way. With HRT, though, it's really hard for her sustain an erection and come from oral. I can't stroke her because she's extremely sensitive and it hurts her. I really love sucking cock and I'm kind of obsessed with cum and well, I feel really dissatisfied and just sad. Bringing pleasure to my partner is extremely important.

Thankfully, I've talked to her about all this and she hasn't gotten upset or anything. But I don't really see a solution to this. I really think that I am a very kinky person and she is pretty much vanilla. She seems excited by the thought of hooking up with a guy while I watch, but she doesn't want me touching the guy at all. So I can't really satisfy my fetishes/kinks at all.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm so lost. :(
 
So you started a relationship with a trans woman based on your knowledge of internet porn? I'm sure she was flattered to have your attention, but since you are not compatible, it may be time to go your separate ways
 
Sex is very important to me, and if my partner did not allow me to enjoy it, I wouldn't be happy, and I wouldn't be nice to be around. Staying in a situation like that would ruin any happiness for both of us.

I don't think you're being selfish. I think you're being honest with yourself. At the end of it all, you have to do what is in your own best interest. Sometimes that appears to be a selfish act, but if you're not happy, you won't be the fulfilling partner your partner was hoping for.
 
LostBabygirl3489 said:
Hello everyone. I hope everyone has a good holiday tomorrow.

I guess I have an issue that's been bothering me for quite some time and I need some advice. I used to post on here a lot a few months ago and I stopped when I found my partner. Before that time, though, I was avidly searching for a dom primarily, but sometimes seeking a sub. I look back now and realize that I was being too picky and that I should have broadened my search to people that live far from me, but oh well.

Anyway, I feel really guilty for saying this but I kind of wish I wasn't in a relationship right now. I've been working really hard to claim my body back and with patience and perseverance, I have done so. In the past, men would be enamored by my sultry selfies and I would try to warn them that I don't look as good in person, fearing that they would get disappointed, and I was almost always right. I don't blame them for disliking my heavier self, but if I were to start searching again now, I don't think I'd encounter the same problem.

But I have a partner. And while I don't judge anyone that is partnered and has an extramarital affair, I can't bring myself to do it. It's just not worth it to me. But I can't deny that my kinky side is extremely depressed and neglected. I haven't felt this lost and confused in such a long time.

It also doesn't help that my partner is trans (a transwoman) and I was ignorant before, deluded by porn, thinking I could pleasure her orally and bring her to orgasm that way. With HRT, though, it's really hard for her sustain an erection and come from oral. I can't stroke her because she's extremely sensitive and it hurts her. I really love sucking cock and I'm kind of obsessed with cum and well, I feel really dissatisfied and just sad. Bringing pleasure to my partner is extremely important.

Thankfully, I've talked to her about all this and she hasn't gotten upset or anything. But I don't really see a solution to this. I really think that I am a very kinky person and she is pretty much vanilla. She seems excited by the thought of hooking up with a guy while I watch, but she doesn't want me touching the guy at all. So I can't really satisfy my fetishes/kinks at all.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm so lost. :(
Click to expand...

Can you reach an explicit agreement that you both can have other partners?
 
The way I see it you have three options really:

1) stay in the relationship as you are and accept this is the best she can give you. Intimacy comes in many forms that don't always include sexuality. You have to ask yourself if you could truly be happy growing old with this person and not having it.

2) a Poly life. Since you stated that you don't think you could cheat or have an affair, this might be one avenue you could use. As long as you were both open and honest with one another regarding an invitation to include an extra party into your "bedroom", this might work for you. But the only way to make a poly life work is with absolute honesty.

3) Romantically separate. There is nothing wrong with deciding that you aren't suited for one another sexually and/or romantically. You can separate and still remain great friends. Who knows, that might be the perfect solution for you while allowing you both to find romantic interests that are more suited for you.

Whatever you decide, just communicate with her honestly along the way. That way no one is blindsided by a decision. In all honesty, she may have similar feelings towards you that you aren't meeting her expectation either.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Honesty may cause hurt feelings at first but it is so much better than letting a lie/secret fester inside you and snowball into a mound of resentment later on.
 
Compromise is how everything started

a few years back and my husband came to me with a lot of requests. I was like FIRST why. That took some talking. I always thought he knew he could approach me with anything.

He was afraid to do that. I guess at some point that changed. We talked about everything. The first thing was wearing my dirty underwear. I didn't get it and could not get my head around it.

He wanted to wear it because it was the closest thing to his favorite things all day. Now that flattered me. He didn't want to cross dress, or even dress girly. He just wanted to feel close to me. So I bought mens underwear that he would not normally wear. He wears boxer briefs. So I bought like regular briefs and some other different cuts. Then I would wear them for a the day and lay them on his side of the bed after.

That worked.

Because once he explained what he really wanted I was able to sort of get my head around what he wanted. (not really sure that was a need)

That was a long time ago, now I don't mind sharing my underwear with him. The really pretty stuff, he has a thing for plain old cotton Hanes any color. It took him explaining what he wanted or thought he needed. It also took me a minute to get my head around it. Then come up with a compromise, then slowly get comfortable with what he really wanted.

The mind is so interesting, makes me wish I would have studies more physiology in school.
 
Scareltt said:
a few years back and my husband came to me with a lot of requests. I was like FIRST why. That took some talking. I always thought he knew he could approach me with anything.

He was afraid to do that. I guess at some point that changed. We talked about everything. The first thing was wearing my dirty underwear. I didn't get it and could not get my head around it.

He wanted to wear it because it was the closest thing to his favorite things all day. Now that flattered me. He didn't want to cross dress, or even dress girly. He just wanted to feel close to me. So I bought mens underwear that he would not normally wear. He wears boxer briefs. So I bought like regular briefs and some other different cuts. Then I would wear them for a the day and lay them on his side of the bed after.

That worked.

Because once he explained what he really wanted I was able to sort of get my head around what he wanted. (not really sure that was a need)

That was a long time ago, now I don't mind sharing my underwear with him. The really pretty stuff, he has a thing for plain old cotton Hanes any color. It took him explaining what he wanted or thought he needed. It also took me a minute to get my head around it. Then come up with a compromise, then slowly get comfortable with what he really wanted.

The mind is so interesting, makes me wish I would have studies more physiology in school.
Click to expand...

That's so sweet and kind of you to not push him away and judge him. Most women wouldn't have that reaction, sadly. I'd shop for panties with my ex and we'd both wear our sexy panties together and have sexy makeout sessions.
 
LadyElsbeth said:
The way I see it you have three options really:

1) stay in the relationship as you are and accept this is the best she can give you. Intimacy comes in many forms that don't always include sexuality. You have to ask yourself if you could truly be happy growing old with this person and not having it.

2) a Poly life. Since you stated that you don't think you could cheat or have an affair, this might be one avenue you could use. As long as you were both open and honest with one another regarding an invitation to include an extra party into your "bedroom", this might work for you. But the only way to make a poly life work is with absolute honesty.

3) Romantically separate. There is nothing wrong with deciding that you aren't suited for one another sexually and/or romantically. You can separate and still remain great friends. Who knows, that might be the perfect solution for you while allowing you both to find romantic interests that are more suited for you.

Whatever you decide, just communicate with her honestly along the way. That way no one is blindsided by a decision. In all honesty, she may have similar feelings towards you that you aren't meeting her expectation either.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Honesty may cause hurt feelings at first but it is so much better than letting a lie/secret fester inside you and snowball into a mound of resentment later on.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the advice...unfortunately, last night I tried to pleasure her orally and she had taken her meds recently and I hurt her because I was being too rough. I felt awful. I still feel awful. I don't want to be selfish and cause her pain. Conversely, she knows how I've been sexually abused by men in the past and she doesn't want to make me uncomfortable, either. We seem to have more of a platonic relationship but she denies it when I mention it.

I guess I really have to sit down and think about the situation. It's a difficult one. This is not a good stage of my life to have a monogamous relationship, anyway. I don't even like monogamy. I told her before we started dating that if I were to ever be in a relationship again, it would be a poly one. We've spoken about her hooking up with another guy while I watch but she doesn't want me touching or even kissing another guy.

Despite my sexual abuse in the past, I haven't had these issues with former partners before. I guess I need to spend some time alone with my thoughts and think this through. Many people are sexual and kinky. Not everyone is romantic and compassionate. Even if I leave her, I probably won't find someone suitable for me for a very long time, if ever.
 
stickygirl said:
So you started a relationship with a trans woman based on your knowledge of internet porn? I'm sure she was flattered to have your attention, but since you are not compatible, it may be time to go your separate ways
Click to expand...

No, I did not start my relationship with a transwoman based on my knowledge of internet porn. I have trans friends and they told me how things are different for transwomen vs cis men before I started dating her.
 
littlecordelera said:
Sex is very important to me, and if my partner did not allow me to enjoy it, I wouldn't be happy, and I wouldn't be nice to be around. Staying in a situation like that would ruin any happiness for both of us.

I don't think you're being selfish. I think you're being honest with yourself. At the end of it all, you have to do what is in your own best interest. Sometimes that appears to be a selfish act, but if you're not happy, you won't be the fulfilling partner your partner was hoping for.
Click to expand...

Thank you. I don't mean to be dramatic but it's starting to make me really depressed and it's getting worse. :( I guess I have to make a decision soon.
 
You know to be fair, our relationship hasn't started like most...I managed to help her escape from upstate New York where she was experiencing discrimination and harassment on a daily basis (I saw it firsthand, right next to her) and now we're at my parents' house and she moved in when were dating for only like two months. We feel like we don't have much privacy here, obviously, and I think that is really affecting our sexual relationship.

And I hate to say it but I don't think I could ever trust a male enough for a D/S relationship. After my painful past and horrible experiences with men, plus all the horror stories that I've heard, it makes me so scared. I don't like the way men talk to me in such a condescending manner. Most of them always do that. I'm not saying all men are bad or evil or anything. This has been my experience, unfortunately, and the reason why I couldn't find a male to trust when I was single for two years and actively seeking someone.

Besides...if I want to gag on cock or squirt on a cock, I can just buy a nice dildo and suck and fuck it to my heart's content. : )
 
You didn't state it explicitly, but by what you say I have come to the conclusion that you are female. Am I correct?

If you're female or male makes no difference to me, but any advice I have to give you does.

Or maybe it doesn't. I don't know. I'm male.

Story time...

I was in a relationship where there was very little sex latter in life, she always, didn't feel well or wasn't in the mood. It was always a long time between times. We would argue and fight about that a lot. I felt unwanted, so I just started to ignore her. She's ask a question and I just didn't answer. That went on for a long time. We had been together for a long time over 30 years before this all happened. You just don't end things over night after being together that long.

Well she finally got tired of me not responding to her questions. She packed her things and left. That was two years ago. I have never been happier but at the same time sadder since the bullshit started. She used to call me once in a while. Then they finally stopped. I called her once. Her phone had been disconnected. I called again a month later and some stranger picked up.

Now I'm in a relationship with a younger women and happy as a clam. This woman is black, not that means anything. I'm white. We have fun together. I have fun being around her, she had fun when she is with me. We have been spending more and more time together.

ADVICE: You have already talked with you new partner, but did you tell her how important giving her pleasure is...or how important your pleasure is?

But then again, if you have...it might be time to move on.

I should have discussed my problem at an early date but she never wanted to talk about it. I just hope she is happy, alive, and well in her new life. Would I take her back if she wandered into my life again. Probably not. I'm almost over her. Almost. Funny thing the heart...it usually gets what it wants.
 
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