I thought I created a compelling story

I recently submitted a story that's partially based things I've experienced, but written from a woman's point of view (I'm a guy.)

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-bet-64

I thought it was good. But no one's responded to it in the two weeks it's been up.

Is there something wrong with it or was I perhaps too ambitious?

At a 4.28 rating and with nearly 10,000 reads, it's doing OK. The lack of comments could have come from your defensive slug on the front of it. You really didn't need it; it pretty obviously was a male fantasy story, measurements and all. It reads fine, though, as that. It's possible that your "trying to write as a woman" disclaimer at the beginning would have been what headed off the "youse got me so hot" male readers who typically would go for this.

sr71plt said:

At a 4.28 rating and with nearly 10,000 reads, it's doing OK. The lack of comments could have come from your defensive slug on the front of it. You really didn't need it; it pretty obviously was a male fantasy story, measurements and all. It reads fine, though, as that. It's possible that your "trying to write as a woman" disclaimer at the beginning would have been what headed off the "youse got me so hot" male readers who typically would go for this.

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Oh. Good points. Thank you.

sr71plt said:

The lack of comments could have come from your defensive slug on the front of it. You really didn't need it; it pretty obviously was a male fantasy story, measurements and all.

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Yep, this. It's fiction; you're not obliged to tell the reader that you're not your character, and anybody who's spent more than five minutes on the Internet will be aware that many "women" are dudes. And as SR says, your ratings are reasonable.

That said, some constructive criticism - speaking only for my own tastes as a reader, YMMV:

The "War and Peace" section felt like I was reading the Cliff's Notes instead of an actual story. In the beginning of a story, you need to introduce the characters - who are these people, why should I care about them? The business with Dean's mother should have some emotional weight to it, and IMHO you should be showing at least some of this conversation, not just giving us a synopsis. This would also give a bit more opportunity to convey Dean's character.

Some writers like to give physical description, some don't. But if you're going to describe Dean - as you eventually do, two sections later - that description should happen early on. Otherwise you run the risk that readers will start forming their own mental image of him and then get derailed when you finally give a description that conflicts with what they have in their heads.

Also, "We never had a Dean and Taylor moment again" - my reaction to this was "who's Taylor then?" From context I assume it's the narrator, but you don't want your reader having to pause and figure out what you're talking about.

"Although tips were a little higher, I lost by a measly fifty-three cents." - Bit of a missed opportunity here - you set up the bet, but would've worked better if you played it out instead of going straight to the outcome. See BonnieBrea's "bet" stories for an example of what I'm talking about - even though the reader usually knows how the bet's going to turn out (wouldn't be much of a story otherwise) it's still more interesting with more buildup. Especially if you're going to name the story "The Bet".

"I pulled off my top and let my 32C's loose." - this bit screams MALE AUTHOR right here.

Bethany's change of heart seems a bit sudden; it's fine if you just want to get to the sex (and there are plenty of readers who will thank you for that) but some of Bethany's dialogue later on suggests that you want a bit more characterisation than that. If this is the case, might want to make things more gradual.

""Oh, Taylor, I can't believe I used to be that other girl," said Bethany. A little bitterness was in her tone. " - last sentence is unnecessary. Don't tell when you can show, and especially don't tell when you HAVE already shown. The dialogue here already conveys Bethany's mood without needing that extra explanation.

"While browsing the selection, one title caught my eye: The Making of Taylor. Even under all the makeup, the girl on the cover was instantly recognizable. It boasted that the film starred "Teeny Teen Taylor Dream In Her Smoking XXX Debut!" The back cover said: "A Simple Bet Turned This Virgin Into a Slut in One Night! Look Out World!""

- okay, so the narrator is Taylor but now Bethany is using 'Taylor' as her working name? That's kinda confusing; on first read, I thought it meant she'd lied to narrator-Taylor and was selling the spy-cam footage there. Again, unless you're deliberately setting your reader a puzzle, you generally don't want them having to stop and figure out what's going on.

Thank you for the feedback, Bramblethorn. Your points are well stated.

I wanted to add a plot twist. Thus the puzzle is deliberate. It's sort of like in The Empire Strikes Back where clues earlier in the film give the viewer the impression that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father.

All along, I had Bethany becoming a porn actress who used the alias Taylor Dream. I also had Bethany being truthful regarding not recording the spycam footage. This is implied by her affectionate behavior toward Taylor.

I did include some elements of my actual life in the Dean character. The sick mother is such an example, as was the conversation with the girl I worked with. We made peace. I will plead guilty as charged if it sounds somewhat idealized.

If you'd like to take a crack at editing it, by all means. But the plot twist is integral to the story.

GC66 said:

I did include some elements of my actual life in the Dean character. The sick mother is such an example, as was the conversation with the girl I worked with. We made peace. I will plead guilty as charged if it sounds somewhat idealized.

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Those bits were good ideas - real life is a great source of storylines. I just felt they would've worked better with more development.

GC66 said:

If you'd like to take a crack at editing it, by all means. But the plot twist is integral to the story.

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I'm not saying to remove the plot list (although I think you would have a viable story even without it). I'm just saying, the reader's reaction should be more like this:

"Wait, Bethany went into porn?"

And not so much this:

"Wait, there's a porn movie about Taylor? Did Bethany keep the footage? But Taylor wasn't a virgin and I don't think she was heavily made up, so it must have been something else - oh, wait, this is a different Taylor, it's actually Bethany? Oh, now I get it."

Granted I can be kinda slow on the uptake, but I suspect I'm not the only reader who's going to be confused by the Taylor/Taylor thing. If you don't want to change the name, one option would've been to foreshadow it:

"You know, 'Taylor' is a nice name."

"Really? I always thought it made me sound sort of dorky."

"No, I'd much rather be a 'Taylor' than a 'Bethany'."

Unfortunately I don't have time to volunteer as an editor just now - working on my own series and it's taking me a month just to do a chapter. Once I've reached the end of that series, if I don't have another story to write I might do a spot of volunteer editing.

Bramblethorn said:

Those bits were good ideas - real life is a great source of storylines. I just felt they would've worked better with more development.



I'm not saying to remove the plot list (although I think you would have a viable story even without it). I'm just saying, the reader's reaction should be more like this:

"Wait, Bethany went into porn?"

And not so much this:

"Wait, there's a porn movie about Taylor? Did Bethany keep the footage? But Taylor wasn't a virgin and I don't think she was heavily made up, so it must have been something else - oh, wait, this is a different Taylor, it's actually Bethany? Oh, now I get it."

Granted I can be kinda slow on the uptake, but I suspect I'm not the only reader who's going to be confused by the Taylor/Taylor thing. If you don't want to change the name, one option would've been to foreshadow it:

"You know, 'Taylor' is a nice name."

"Really? I always thought it made me sound sort of dorky."

"No, I'd much rather be a 'Taylor' than a 'Bethany'."

Unfortunately I don't have time to volunteer as an editor just now - working on my own series and it's taking me a month just to do a chapter. Once I've reached the end of that series, if I don't have another story to write I might do a spot of volunteer editing.

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Thank you. I get your idea about the discussion of the name Taylor.

However, I respectfully disagree with you about the plot twist. Like I said, I scattered some clues in the story. Without it, I feel the story lacks drama. I've read hundreds of stories here and while some are hot, I've never seen one with this kind of plot twist.

I'm going to do an edit my way and see what happens.

GC66 said:

Oh. Good points. Thank you.

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Yes the gender thing can be big. Most readers seem to think I am female. This is based simply on the fact I did not check off gender on my profile and have a little picture of my wife's hair and eyes on my bio.

I have always wondered if my votes would suffer if I blatantly stated I was a guy.

In general though when you go out of your way to point stuff out like that you're calling attention to things. Like putting a bandaid on a pimple, now everyone wants to know whats under the band aid you're kind of going "Nothing to see here folks, really!"

Less is more.

lovecraft68 said:

Yes the gender thing can be big. Most readers seem to think I am female. This is based simply on the fact I did not check off gender on my profile and have a little picture of my wife's hair and eyes on my bio.

I have always wondered if my votes would suffer if I blatantly stated I was a guy.

In general though when you go out of your way to point stuff out like that you're calling attention to things. Like putting a bandaid on a pimple, now everyone wants to know whats under the band aid you're kind of going "Nothing to see here folks, really!"

Less is more.

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Thanks for the comments. I've edited out that part.