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Aftercare

L

Lemmy963

Really Experienced
Joined
Oct 1, 2013
Posts
175
One thing I've noticed on quite a few of the board/forums in the last few years is that a lot of people don't really talk about what happens after a scene.

I'm not sure if they're just skipping a few mundane details to save space or just weren't taught the same way I was.

So, just to get the ball rolling and such I'll start.

I'm mostly a Dom (call me Sir damnit!) but I have been known to sub once in a while so I've been on both sides and I do believe that no matter how light or heavy the Scene you should always have some form of aftercare. Even if it's just a few minutes to allow the everyone to catch their breath.

Am I alone in this?
 
I agree. I've had the experience of an intense scene with very little aftercare, and it's not something I'd ever want to experience again.
 
Aftercare is very important to me and Mister. We always take time afterwards to check on one another and recuperate.
 
There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Before I figured out more about which end of the spectrum I should probably hang out on more, I resented and felt very suffocated by the kind of cuddly-wuddly aftercare that a lot of bottoms will not go without.

To me, it felt like the top was just using me in a ritual for them to feel better about the messed up shit they'd just gotten off doing to me and I'd gotten off on but wanted to go process as MY own experience. Ugh.

Needless to say, this kind of thing varies and is helped with good communication. I really try to get an idea of what a bottom means when he/she says "aftercare" before trying to give it.

And sometimes I find that I push people and steer particularly submissive people in a "now pack up my crap and rub my feet" direction post-scene. Lest they think it's about them being serviced. I would have gotten more mileage out of that, I'm pretty sure.
 
I've found that it is all as varied as the people included are. Have known some that need pampering to recoup, others some quiet time with a cup of tea.

Way I see it if it works for you then it's all good. To me it's just not only respect for all involved but also a chance to catch your breath.
 
Netzach said:
And sometimes I find that I push people and steer particularly submissive people in a "now pack up my crap and rub my feet" direction post-scene. Lest they think it's about them being serviced. I would have gotten more mileage out of that, I'm pretty sure.
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I think I would honestly appreciate this sort of thing more than his tendency to be huggy afterward. Sometimes he just finishes up with a slap on the ass and a "You liked that?" before we settle down and watch cartoons, which is also more my pace. But yeah, the "let me kiss all your boo-boos" thing really isn't my bag, now that I think about it.
 
I would appreciate more aftercare. Strangely, I end up being the one giving the aftercare to my SO... Probably just giving that which I would like to receive.
 
I cannot think of a time when I didn't receive aftercare. Whether it's just cuddling with me while my body calms down, or watching TV, or even a nice massage afterwards, it's important. My man does it even after the most vanilla sessions.
 
Always. Especially so if subspace has occurred, at those times I can be disorientated and fretful. Having him hold me after is a way of feeling centred and anchored.
 
I supply my own after care. It's much better than to rely on someone else for it and there's no room for disappointment or burden.
 
Ahlam said:
I supply my own after care. It's much better than to rely on someone else for it and there's no room for disappointment or burden.
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It's good that you can do that for yourself, but is avoiding the possibility of disappointment or becoming a burden setting up the expectation that you don't require some aftercare/care?
 
Alliecat1970 said:
It's good that you can do that for yourself, but is avoiding the possibility of disappointment or becoming a burden setting up the expectation that you don't require some aftercare/care?
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Oh no! Not another vicious cycle! :) It could be. I try to keep my partners informed on the steps I take post-scene, but I don't know. Knowing I am able to give myself that care no matter what gives me confidence, though.
 
That's definitely the important thing. :) I am just struggling with some questions related to expectations, possible disappointment versus no expectations, you get what you expect or accept.
 
I think aftercare is important for both Master and myself. It is our time to catch our breath, talk about anything that was particularly good or troubling, and to readjust ourselves back into the real world. When we were long-distance, it was especially helpful to avoid sub drop after a really intense session.
 
desertslave said:
I think aftercare is important for both Master and myself. It is our time to catch our breath, talk about anything that was particularly good or troubling, and to readjust ourselves back into the real world. When we were long-distance, it was especially helpful to avoid sub drop after a really intense session.
Click to expand...

Sorry, I'm new here, can I ask what sub drop is?
 
sophie_l said:
Sorry, I'm new here, can I ask what sub drop is?
Click to expand...
Don't apologize for being "new here;" we *all* were new at some point!

Click here to be referred to some threads focusing on subdrop in this forum; click here, here, , and here for outside information from other sources, and here for even more Google listings regarding subdrop.The "here" before "for" is actually a Wiki article that's a little thin but not wrong about aftercare.
 
Last edited:
I am new to BDSM and this I believe is the first time anyone ever mentioned Aftercare. As I think about it no one does. It seems to me it should be a part of even vanilla sex. My husband used to just roll over and go to sleep. I laid there often wishing he'd hold me or something, course not having had an orgasm always left me wanting anyway but had he or any of my partners held me and maybe moved their hands over my body in an effort to calm me down, maybe I would have felt better and not always so ready to find another partner to hope for a better ending. I still can't make up my mind if D/s is for me. Since my first experience with a Dom was no better than any of my vanilla sessions, I don't know. Since I was sub, how did I tell the Dom I needed something else. After all I am sub therefore I have no say in if he is done. I seem to get more satisfaction right now out of the cyber sex I have on line with a really good friend of mine. I never thought that cyber sex could do anything for me, but I was so surprised. My cyber lover can't figure out what the draw of D/s is to me. When I told him he was Dominant he didn't understand. Dominant doesn't mean you have to beat me or do anything other than lead me in the direction we are going. He doesn't understand why I would want to put myself in a dangerous situation. I don't, I don't even want pain. Yet when he says he tweaks my nipples hard, that is a pain just not a hard pain. Back to aftercare. I think if I have been tied up and the rope was around my ankles or wrists too long and maybe I squired and put strain on them or even the muscles are tense because they were in that position too long, rubbing them to relax then would be a form of aftercare. Or my knees have a bit of arthritis so if I am kneeling to long my knees might not even let me get up so some form of massage or assistance would be aftercare. Most men don't want to do it because in reality they don't like to foreplay. I get the impression from another bdsm site that had a section on orgasm control conditioning of females, the art of conditioning women to orgasm on command with little or no foreplay tells me my supposition that men would just as soon forgo any foreplay to begin with would follow that he also does not want to provide aftercare. Make sense.
 
Sir_Winston54 said:
Don't apologize for being "new here;" we *all* were new at some point!

Click here to be referred to some threads focusing on subdrop in this forum; click here, here, , and here for outside information from other sources, and here for even more Google listings regarding subdrop.The "here" before "for" is actually a Wiki article that's a little thin but not wrong about aftercare.
Click to expand...

Thanks so much for all of that, really informative!
 
unicorn64 said:
I am new to BDSM and this I believe is the first time anyone ever mentioned Aftercare. As I think about it no one does. It seems to me it should be a part of even vanilla sex. My husband used to just roll over and go to sleep. I laid there often wishing he'd hold me or something, course not having had an orgasm always left me wanting anyway but had he or any of my partners held me and maybe moved their hands over my body in an effort to calm me down, maybe I would have felt better and not always so ready to find another partner to hope for a better ending. I still can't make up my mind if D/s is for me. Since my first experience with a Dom was no better than any of my vanilla sessions, I don't know. Since I was sub, how did I tell the Dom I needed something else. After all I am sub therefore I have no say in if he is done. I seem to get more satisfaction right now out of the cyber sex I have on line with a really good friend of mine. I never thought that cyber sex could do anything for me, but I was so surprised. My cyber lover can't figure out what the draw of D/s is to me. When I told him he was Dominant he didn't understand. Dominant doesn't mean you have to beat me or do anything other than lead me in the direction we are going. He doesn't understand why I would want to put myself in a dangerous situation. I don't, I don't even want pain. Yet when he says he tweaks my nipples hard, that is a pain just not a hard pain. Back to aftercare. I think if I have been tied up and the rope was around my ankles or wrists too long and maybe I squired and put strain on them or even the muscles are tense because they were in that position too long, rubbing them to relax then would be a form of aftercare. Or my knees have a bit of arthritis so if I am kneeling to long my knees might not even let me get up so some form of massage or assistance would be aftercare. Most men don't want to do it because in reality they don't like to foreplay. I get the impression from another bdsm site that had a section on orgasm control conditioning of females, the art of conditioning women to orgasm on command with little or no foreplay tells me my supposition that men would just as soon forgo any foreplay to begin with would follow that he also does not want to provide aftercare. Make sense.
Click to expand...

Being a sub doesn't mean you don't have say in your own satisfaction. Before you jump into any relationship, vanilla or D/s, you should discuss these things. If they don't know what you want, how can they give it to you?

I've seen aftercare mentioned quite a bit. Aftercare is different for everyone so it depends on what you need. For me, aftercare is a chance to catch our breath and talk about what went well, what worked, what we should scrap because it just didn't do anything for us.

Louis C.K. makes a great point in his stand up routine about women who are satisfied wont want anything to do with their partner after sex. Take a look at that link, it's awesome. ^_^

I often feel this way, if I have a great orgasm I really don't need my husband to hang around. I'd very much appreciate rolling over and going to sleep. If I only had a so-so kind of night, cuddles afterward are nice.
 
I hate any form of intimacy as part of aftercare. To be fair I hate being touched or cuddled at the best of times anyway.

My preferred form of aftercare is leave me alone, don't touch me or talk to me which can be really hard when the PYL needs aftercare which involves cuddling or talking.

I also find sleeping really helps and stops a long prolonged bout of drop.
 
Like some of the others have mentioned, touchy feely aftercare doesn't do it for me either.

As a domme, I usually dim the room, fetch a jug of water, tuck him in and just get some quiet time for both of us.

As a sub, I pack stuff, have a shower alone, then a cup of coffee or tea. The caveat to my lack of touchy feely is that I do need the dom to check back with me after a couple of days. Especially if it was an intense session.

But it still counts as aftercare. Because that's what I need to get back to normal.
 
It's all about what makes you feel better afterwards. Sometimes what two people want might be incompatible, but with good communication (i.e. telling each other what it is you like), you should be able to figure something out. You can't expect the other person to read your mind.
 
I don't think we've done anything in our relationship that requires after care. The man isn't the cuddly type, so even when he's a bit more harsh than usual, or hurts my feelings, he doesn't cuddle me afterwards. I think in our situation after care is everything still being normal between us. If he gets too harsh, and I get upset or my feelings hurt, then I'm a little worried that me getting upset might upset him, because that has happened a few times in the past. So now when he behaves normally afterwards, it reassures me that everything is fine between us, and that makes me feel cozy and cared for. We've been doing this for a few years and I know that is the only kind of after care I will ever get, even if activities were to become more intense.
 
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