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Humor Thread

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DG Hear said:
(snip)

There should be a new rule: Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms:

One in office

One in prison.

Illinois already does this.
Click to expand...

In CA, there are term linimts for state elected officials. The voters passed an initiative limiting members of Congress too, but SCOTUS declared it unconstitutional to heed the wishes of the citizens in this instance. :(

However, there is still no limits to the number of terms a politician can serve in prison. :eek:
 
128937.JPG
 
DG Hear said:
In the Walls

While attending an open house, my wife was taken with the home’s modern features, especially the central vacuum system installed within the walls. But she had a practical question: "What do you do when all the walls fill up?"
Click to expand...

LMAO!
I had to run downstairs and tell that to the Redhead, best laugh out of her in months!:D:D:D

O'course I told it as a 'blond joke', in honor of our least favorite step-mother. :)
 
DG Hear said:
I'm going to start another Humor thread. I keep having a hard time finding the present ones we have here. Everyone's welcome to post here. Hear or read something funny? Feel free to post it. I keep coming across stuff (a lot of it repeat) but it's still some funny stuff.

Here's a start:

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
Between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........Well, Shit Happens!!!

HOPE YOUR SHITTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN..
Click to expand...
George Carlin "A Place for My Stuff"
 
Boxlicker101 said:
I don't really like being a wet blanket, but I believe prostitution is illegal in both those places. :eek: That doesn't mean they don't have cat houses, of course, but I don't know why people would visit one when there are legal cat houses a short distance away.
Click to expand...
Prostitution is legal in Los Vegas (see Chicken Ranch Brothel) and has recently been legalized in Reno.
Most of Nevada and Utah is government owned, so prostitution is illegal there.
 
Fantasies_only said:
Prostitution is legal in Los Vegas (see Chicken Ranch Brothel) and has recently been legalized in Reno.
Most of Nevada and Utah is government owned, so prostitution is illegal there.
Click to expand...

Actually, you've got it backwards. Most of Nevada ( where the fewest number of people actually live, and which is the condition that triggers legality, a maximum population ) does have a few licensed brothels, or at least doesn't have prohibitions against them, but prostitution of any kind is illegal within Clark County, where Las Vegas is, and Washoe county, where Reno is.

You are right about the government owned land, though. So those laws that technically cover huge chunks of the state only really apply to little zones between the federal land.
 
What do you call a Prostitute with a runny nose?
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Full!
 
Dumb Criminals

A job applicant’s polygraph test for the Washington State Patrol came to an abrupt end after officers discovered an interesting piece of literature on the front seat of his car. The title of the book: How to Beat a Lie Detector Test.



With Regular Use

When asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. "I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time," she said.
 
DG Hear said:
Dumb Criminals

A job applicant’s polygraph test for the Washington State Patrol came to an abrupt end after officers discovered an interesting piece of literature on the front seat of his car. The title of the book: How to Beat a Lie Detector Test.



With Regular Use

When asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. "I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time," she said.
Click to expand...


Ahh...sweet punctuation. :D

Thank you, DG.
 
DG Hear said:
With Regular Use

When asked her opinion on punctuality, an applicant for an office job assured me she thought it was extremely important. "I use periods, commas, and question marks all the time," she said.
Click to expand...


/off topic
should there be a comma before the word "and" :-

I use periods, commas and question marks all the time," she said

/topic on
 
Handley_Page said:
/off topic
should there be a comma before the word "and" :-

I use periods, commas and question marks all the time," she said

/topic on
Click to expand...

Be nic to me HP, I'm an old guy. (LOL) I can't have an editor go over my jokes. haha

For the record I think it's a choice if you want to use a comma before the word and.:D
 
DG Hear said:
Be nic to me HP, I'm an old guy. (LOL) I can't have an editor go over my jokes. haha

For the record I think it's a choice if you want to use a comma before the word and.:D
Click to expand...

I think that's called the "Oxford comma" and there was a thread on it about a month ago.
 
Moving With the Season

Louie and his wife are listening to the radio when they hear the weather report: "A snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street.” So Louie gets up and moves his car.

Two days later—same thing. "A snow emergency has been declared,” blares the radio. "Park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street.” Louie gets up and does what he’s told.

Three days later: "There will be a foot of snow today. Park your cars on the ...,” and then the power goes out.

"What should I do?” a confused Louie asks his wife.

"This time,” she says, "why don’t you just leave the car in the garage?”
 
Carnation Milk 65 Years Ago ...

The little old lady had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When tinned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores about the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.'

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said, 'Carnation' LOVED your entry so much! We wish to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'


Her entry was a model of hard truth:-






Carnation Milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul
no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch;
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch​
 
Spelling It Right
Q: What word is always spelled incorrectly?



A: Incorrectly!
Ok, give me a break, that was cute!



Water Broke

I answered a 911 call at our emergency dispatch center from a woman who said her water broke.

"Stay calm," I advised. "Now, how far apart are your contractions?"

"No contractions," she said breathlessly. "But my basement is flooding fast."
 
DG Hear said:
Spelling It Right
Q: What word is always spelled incorrectly?



A: Incorrectly!
Ok, give me a break, that was cute!



Water Broke

I answered a 911 call at our emergency dispatch center from a woman who said her water broke.

"Stay calm," I advised. "Now, how far apart are your contractions?"

"No contractions," she said breathlessly. "But my basement is flooding fast."
Click to expand...

You're right, DG.

Incorrectly is always spelled Incorrectly!

I even used spellcheker. :eek:

:D
 
Dumb Jokes

Top Secret

The Department of Defense has a Contact Us link on its website inviting readers to pose any question they want. One guy did just that: "So do you have any top secret information you would like to tell me? I am doing a project for my senior economics class and was just wondering ... E-mail me back."

****

When I took my Weed Eater back to the home-and-garden store to get it fixed, I was asked if I wanted to wait until the job was done.

"How long will it take?" I asked.

The clerk answered, "A day or two."

****

When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?"

She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."
 
this is kinda funny...

Its garbage day!!!! I’m sorry you guys are going to get some of it but we’re certainly not going to leave AHland garbage lying around ScouriesWorld threads. Unfortunately there’s quite a bit of it to remove so you’ll be getting some of it for the next four or five days at least.

POST # 878 from the MOST VOTES THREAD – you know, deep in his heart he really loves mr scouries…

[size=+2]Jerome[/size]
teenager … champion of “favorite” writers
dixie’s nemesis
retard regurgitator


image.php


TxRad said:
[SIZE=+4]Welcome to Another of ScouriesWonderfulWorlds[/SIZE]

Alba_Get_in.gif


Home of LITEROTICA’S GREATEST AUTHOR (in my opinion anyway – oh gawd I wish I could write like him!)

SCOURIESWORLD Where good writing is the one and only thing that counts.
Click to expand...
 
How to Ruin an Interview

When you're interviewing for a job, you want to make an impression.

Hiring managers report that these people made one—just not the right kind:

Applicant hugged hiring manager at the end of the interview.

Applicant ate all the candy from the candy bowl while trying to answer questions.

Applicant blew her nose and lined up the used tissues on the table in front of her. Applicant wore a hat that said "Take this job and shove it."

Applicant talked about how an affair cost him a previous job.

Applicant threw his beer can in the outside trash can before coming into the reception area.

Applicant's friend came in and asked, "How much longer?"
 
DG Hear said:
How to Ruin an Interview

When you're interviewing for a job, you want to make an impression.

Hiring managers report that these people made one—just not the right kind:

Applicant hugged hiring manager at the end of the interview.

Applicant ate all the candy from the candy bowl while trying to answer questions.

Applicant blew her nose and lined up the used tissues on the table in front of her. Applicant wore a hat that said "Take this job and shove it."

Applicant talked about how an affair cost him a previous job.

Applicant threw his beer can in the outside trash can before coming into the reception area.

Applicant's friend came in and asked, "How much longer?"
Click to expand...

Good one, DG. :D
 
There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two coeds were just hanging around the apartment. Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores.

Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her room mate.
"Take a break," Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down."

As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips.
"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this... Well, let me be frank."

Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice:
"No darling... Let me be Frank."
 
WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what?
I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go downstairs
for breakfast, I'm gonna say some thing with "hell"
and you say some thing with "ass".

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year
old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across
the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying
his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping
his rear with every step. His mom shut him in his
room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let
you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year
old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want
for breakfast, young man?"


"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
 
A Letter to God!

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA,
they decided to send it to President Obama. Obama was so amused that he
instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. He thought
this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was
delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to
God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and those
assholes took $95.00 in taxes.
 
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