Tell a Joke

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like another Friday night
in Brixton. You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold,
silver, bronze,
copper, lead and anything else they could get their bloody hands on.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a
middle aged couple from Weymouth

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales.

Jay, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Steve, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache."

Old Snake River Jack, the cowboy from North Dakota, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

If gay men come out of the closet, where do lesbians come from?


The liquor cabinet.

Watch this several times until you have total confidence you can handle
every facet of this training material.


<http://www.youtube.com/v/E1m6Qct68wo%26rel%3d0%26hl%3den_US%26feature%3dplayer_embedded>

Whites only laundry
Three segments…

http://www.bitoffun.com/video_vault/white-only-humor.htm

MissMaidenMinx said:

If gay men come out of the closet, where do lesbians come from?


The liquor cabinet.

Click to expand...

Funny, Minx, Funny.

I become confused when I hear the Word "Service" used with these
agencies...



Internal Revenue "Service"

US Postal "Service"

Telephone "Service"

Cable TV "Service"

Civil "Service"

Federal, State, City, & public "Service"

Customer "Service"



This is NOT what I thought "Service" meant.



But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one

Of them said he had hired a bull to ''Service" a few cows.



Then………………. it all came into focus.

Do you think the lamestream media will show this on their news broadcasts... I highly doubt it.
---------------------------

Black Conservative leaders discuss how the NRA was created to protect freed slaves - SHORT VERSION



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RABZq5IoaQ&feature=player_embedded

Nearly everyone will be insulted in some way by this

Dating Protocols for men ANGLO/SAXON WOMEN:


First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN:


First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN:


First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.


CHINESE WOMEN:


First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.


INDIAN WOMEN:


First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.


BLACK WOMEN:


First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else.


MEXICAN WOMEN:


First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.


JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.


ARAB WOMEN:


First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No third date!

The POINT?

'DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?' HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

Pretty amazing.
If you're curious what goes on after you click...
Done from point of view of someone in England...
but pretty representative of network traffic worldwide.
This is mind boggling!
How the Internet works:
This is done so well, it is definitely worth the minute to watch and see
what goes on behind the scenes.
In the future, I will think differently when the Net seems slow.
http://www.wimp.com/internetworks/

I walked over to the convenience store late one night.

Some guy sitting in his car said to me, "Are you a prostitute?"

I replied, "No, I only dress like one."

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.


They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.



The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them .............They couldn't help but stare.




As the blonde passed them she smiled and said:
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits..



Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said,
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'

'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'


She replied,
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen..

Balladeer08 said:

I missed four.

Click to expand...

I got 28, not bad.

This is the story of a blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack, and dies.

She, frantic, calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot is dead, and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control, and I have you loud and clear.

I will talk you through this, and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine......Give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4", and I support Obama."

"O.K."... Says the voice on the radio...."Repeat after me: "Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. .

The Ultimate Elvis Impersonator Ben Portsmouth and his band, "Taking Care of Elvis", appeared on David Letterman last month during Elvis Week. Not only is Ben Portsmouth a spot-on Elvis Impersonator, but he is also an extremely talented professional singer/songwriter, and a dedicated musician who sincerely goes that bit extra in all his performances.

Ben Portsmouth performed "An American Trilogy" on Elvis Presley Tribute Week on the Late Show with David Letterman.

Turn up your volume... "You are about to be entertained...!"

Ben Portsmouth - "An American Trilogy"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXZv0AkPhN8&feature=player_embedded

Grandkids and Grandparents:

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied..

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant
means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly,"to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet ,I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

BusyAfternoon said:

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

Click to expand...

What a moron!!!

It was Gold Medal.

This is Mrs Goofygus and i have my too favorite jokes.

For Halloween. Why do witches never wear panties? To get a better grip on the broom.
And for you nice perverts, no I do not ever wear panties.

Next one.

For Christmas. What does Santa say when he sees 3 blondes under the Christmas tree?

HO HO HO.
I am a blonde unless you get to know me better, you will know I am really a redhead.