Steampunk Harlots

Steampunk Harlots (Feedback Wanted)

So I've taken a stab at writing and people seem to enjoy it. I discovered the Bulletin Board so I thought id post here.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3165136&page=submissions

I'd like some feedback on my writing. Grammer, spelling, plot holes, or other mistakes are as welcome as anything else.

Hope people enjoy it. Please let me know what you think.

Really Talented Writer . . .

I am not usually a detailed responder but rather am always a very short phrase responder . . . . so this is taking me out of my comfort zone. Your extraordinary writing talent and cry for feedback has dragged me here kicking and screaming " INTERESTING/FASCINATING plot and characters with details and pacing that keep me engaged ". The sexual energy/action/quantity seems absolutely appropriate for 'Literotica' even while it would be too much for me except that you have set the scene and the characters such that the actions all blend follow/flow naturally. The measure of greatness in a writer is how 'real' it seems and you work is very realistic in terms of physical world mechanistic's and emotional world reactions and relations. Please Please Please Please keep up the good work. you should clearly put your work on Kindle or the like and monetize your talent so we can continue to follow your good work for years to cum/come. THANKS

Thank you so much. It's my first time doing this so it's nice to hear that.

Well, I don't think I have much to tell you that you probably don't already know. The setting and premise are cute and the characters are fun, and that seems to have won you a following as it should. Thumbs up for that.

Right now the writing is serviceable and readable. If you wanted to punch it up a bit more, I'd recommend:

1) Reading more of the style of fiction you're trying to emulate here (which I'm guessing is light-hearted rollicking adventure fiction, albeit with your own erotic twist). The most important research for writing is reading.

2) Paying closer attention to punctuation, and seeking out a volunteer editor to help you work with it if need be. It's one of the most important fundamentals that seems to fall short for you, and the more you tighten up on that, the more easily readable the work becomes.

You strike me as having the potential to be able to really make this work "sing," so to speak, and I think those are a couple of the steps needed to get you there if that's what you want.

I found my eyes glazing over as Liddy was explaining the in's and out's, so to speak, of their business model; way more detail than I need or want as a reader. If there was anything that took me out of the initial chapter, it was these long reams of exposition about the rules and business of the airship. I get that you've worked this all out and it's great that you've done so, but personally it would be my call to be sparing with the amount of this information you dump on the audience.

Hope that's of some help.

1)I agree and when I find some stuff I like I read it all.

2)I am getting a little help from someone on DeventArt but updating not this site is slow and I'm planning a big edit soon.

I agree with what you said about the exposition and will trim it down now that I have a handle on it. Just waiting for the big act 1 edit.

I read for only a little bit and I didn't get a feeling for your characters motivations. Why is Hannah in the bar? Why did she do the crazy sexploits she did? Why is she friends with Mari?

If Mari really did ruin Hannah's setup in the bar, Hannah would be pissed at Mari and not eager to join her in some venture.

Hannah dismisses prostitution out of hand and then she's quite eager to join the airship. No reason given for the change.

The sex seemed so random and meaningless that it wasn't erotic to me.

RedFireBrand said:

I am getting a little help from someone on [DeviantArt] but updating not this site is slow and I'm planning a big edit soon.

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Okay, cool. Remember that Lit has a volunteer editors program too.

(If it were me I'd go that route TBH; love dA and all but... it's where writing goes to die, I'm sorry to say. I'm not trying to be gratuitously mean, it's just that not all sites do all things equally well.)

8letters said:

I read for only a little bit and I didn't get a feeling for your characters motivations. Why is Hannah in the bar? Why did she do the crazy sexploits she did? Why is she friends with Mari?

If Mari really did ruin Hannah's setup in the bar, Hannah would be pissed at Mari and not eager to join her in some venture.

Hannah dismisses prostitution out of hand and then she's quite eager to join the airship. No reason given for the change.

The sex seemed so random and meaningless that it wasn't erotic to me.

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Technically unemployed and horny so a bar is ideal.

People have different ways of dealing with stress and past trauma. I based hers on myself.

That comes out later but also going to have separate chapters at some point to touch on past events like that.

Not really. It happens lots and she can get others easy.

She changed her mind because it wasn't much different than what she was doing and would be better off in the long run.

Sometimes sex is like that but it's not for everyone. I get better with structure as I go. Learning a lot and have lots more to learn.

CyranoJ said:

Okay, cool. Remember that Lit has a volunteer editors program too.

(If it were me I'd go that route TBH; love dA and all but... it's where writing goes to die, I'm sorry to say. I'm not trying to be gratuitously mean, it's just that not all sites do all things equally well.)

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I'm gonna look into that when I edit my content more. I agree about DA but I got lucky with one guy.

Probably a bad idea (for me, not you)

I'm gonna commit a cardinal sin of constructive criticism out of sheer frustration, because it's clear from the first chapter that you've got a unique erotic concept and some fun characters here. I particularly like how you've paired up a woman who can pass for High Society and a tattooed punk chick with equally voracious sexual appetites; I wonder if you can do more with them, but as they stand -- especially this early in the story -- they work well enough. Your bigger problem is that, again, you have this unique setting with lots of potential, and you just keep squandering it with poor grammar, slipshod prose, and leaden dialogue.

Now, I noticed that your scores have been going up with each successive chapter, and skipping ahead to your latest entry, it seems like that's not without cause; the problems I had with Chapter 1 aren't as pronounced in what I glanced of Chapter 16 (though it's hard to really tell without proper context). Still, if that's the case, you are definitely going to want to update your earlier chapters at some point (here's how to do that), because I can't imagine you're getting as much retention as you could be getting. With apologies, I'm going to proceed under the possibly insulting assumption that you haven't developed that much, so you can have as clear a roadmap as possible.

Let's jump right into your prose.

Unimaginatively named Crater Peak the city they lived in was on a mountain that was also in the middle of a crater. The surrounding mountain range provided a massive natural barrier against any force attempting to march on it. Originally founded by the few hardy travellers who braved the crater mountains the invention of the airship lead to the creation of a castle at the Crater Peak. Airship docks installed below the castle to act as a trade hub the rest of the city crawled down from the peak down towards the valley. Farms in the valley fed the city and grew some of the most exotic crops the local environment allowed.

Hannah and Mari made their way up the mountainside in a gondola. Unlike typical examples, the ones that serviced Crater Peak were much larger with two decks and full facilities. Hannah more than able to blend in with the increasingly higher class passengers while Mari stuck out like a sore thumb. Whenever of course she wasn't in the bathroom stall with a young fop who thought a slum girl would be a thrill. She left the stall and found Hannah sitting on the lap of the technician manning the controls.

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First of all, you have to make friends with the comma, which can break up long thoughts and delineate quick, clarifying asides. You should also make use of parentheses for sentences (or parts of sentences) that are only tangentially related to the main idea of your paragraph. And of course, you gotta remember your connecting words and forget your unnecessary ones. You probably wanted your paragraphs to look like this (words/phrases with dashes around them should be seen as "crossed out"):

Unimaginatively named Crater Peak, the city they lived in, was on a mountain that was also in the middle of a crater. The surrounding mountain range provided a massive natural barrier against any force attempting to march on it. Originally founded by the few hardy travellers who braved the crater mountains, the invention of the airship lead to the creation of a castle at the Crater Peak. Airship docks were installed below the castle to act as a trade hub, and the rest of the city crawled down from the peak -down- towards the valley. Farms in the valley fed the city and grew some of the most exotic crops the local environment allowed.

Hannah and Mari made their way up the mountainside in a gondola. Unlike typical examples, the ones that serviced Crater Peak were much larger with two decks and full facilities. Hannah was more than able to blend in with the -increasingly higher- high [Because they're all apparently in a single location, there's no room for growth in the class of passengers -- unless higher-classes were getting on at each successive stop, but we'll get to that.] class passengers while Mari stuck out like a sore thumb. (Whenever, of course, she wasn't in the bathroom stall with a young fop who thought a slum girl would be a thrill.) She left the stall and found Hannah sitting on the lap of the technician manning the controls.

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It's still not enough, though, because you're rushing through your prose and it's fucking with your ability to set the scene and build your characters. It's here where I'm going to commit the aforementioned cardinal sin and do a rewrite for you. I do not want you to think of this as a "fix." You're just starting out, and my style -- which has its own issues -- should not necessarily be your style. (Besides, it's not like you could just seamlessly drop my prose into your story.) I just want you to see what your writing COULD look like with a little concentration and a lot of practice (and again, based on what I glanced in Ch. 16, you might be getting there on your own).

Crater Peak's gondola service was far more luxurious than your typical gondola service; the cars were larger, had two decks, comfortable seats, and clean, functional facilities. This was par for the course for Crater Peak, named for the grand mountain at the center of the city and the nigh-impenetrable crater-shaped mountain range surrounding it. The range guaranteed a greater measure of safety against invaders; safety guaranteed money, most of which tended to settle closer to The Summit, topped by a castle that housed city royalty. The less fortunate carved our farms in The Valleys below Crater Peak proper, eking out a living through the exotic crops they turned out.

Hannah and Mari picked up the gondola from The Base -- between the two extremes, where the numerous airship docks gave rise to a thriving trading hub and urban community. As the luxurious gondola made its way up the peak, the passengers started evolving; a diamond ring here and a gold earring there became a sea of fancy jewelry, dress spun from the finest textiles, and lavish hairstyles that couldn't have taken less than an hour to prepare. For The Fair Maiden Hannah, this was a non-issue; it was Mari who had to bear standing out in this increasingly upscale crowd.

Of course, as the young fop with the curious, searching eyes -- the one who boarded at Hartsell Station, a little over halfway up the peak -- would quietly attest, standing out wasn't necessarily the worst thing in the world.

He had an interesting smile; politely cocky, keenly self-aware. A bit lanky for her tastes, but nothing she couldn't work with in the pursuit of a thrill. She brushed his shoulder on the way to the bathroom stall at the front of the car, throwing back a come-hither look and a dangerous smirk; of course, he followed.

He bent her over the sink and took her that way, impaling her on his raging spear, one hand entangled roughly in her violet hair while the other traced the ink dyed into her exposed titflesh. Through the mirror, Mari could recognize the faintest touch of disdain in his eyes, for the slum girl who was beneath him in more ways than the current one. Still, he had a decent tool, and was kind enough (or perhaps lucky enough) to let her cum first. So as a reward for a job well done, she sank to her knees, wrapped her breasts around his length, and let him spurt a creamy contribution onto the abstract design of her chest.

Mari grinned when he left. Cleaning up after herself, she thought of how Hannah would greet her upon her return. She thought of the scandalous smile on her face, and strategized a few ways she could describe this filthy little treat for herself that would shrink it into a slackened gasp of arousal. When she left the bathroom, though, she realized that The Fair Maiden Hannah wouldn't be waiting for her...not unless that was some other redhead she saw through the door, mounted on top of the gondola's engineer.

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Assuming you liked that (which is part of the reason why this kind of "critique" tends not to go over well; it assumes the guy doing such a crit is hot shit), you might be feeling a little intimidated right now (which is yet another reason). I hope you don't, because while it does require some hard work to really be able to do stuff like that in your own way, that doesn't necessarily make it complicated. Let me lay out the basic ideas behind what I did:

-Instead of stopping the story entirely to set the scene, I started small by describing the gondola, and used that as a jumping off point to set up how the rest of the city worked. I'm still stopping the story to dump exposition, but because the gondola was about to come into play anyway, there's still a sense of plot movement within that exposition.

-"Show, don't tell." A lot of people preach this recklessly, and I think there's such a thing as too much show, but it's rooted in a truth about storytelling that's important for any writer to understand. A reader can't really connect with a story if he feels like he's just digesting information; your job as the writer is to fire his imagination so that he's able to connect some of the dots himself. In this case, your original version got confusing when you described "increasingly higher class passengers" because there was no indication that the gondola was stopping at different stations. But even if there was, that's kind of a flat way to describe it. A good rule of thumb is to try and key into the emotional experience when possible (and appropriate). Instead of leaving it at "increasingly higher class passengers," think about what it would be like to see that evolve from the perspective of your protagonists; how the dress of the passengers getting picked up seems to get more and more upscale the farther up the peak the gondola goes. It's also a good way to reinforce the social strata of your setting (which, by the way, is very effective from what I read).

-Always look for ways to reinforce how your characters appear. A reader's imagination can be fickle; just because you tell them something once doesn't mean it'll stick. So if you can find fleeting ways to remind them what your characters look like, all the better. (This is especially important in erotica, where so much rides on crafting good imagery.) In this case I'd occasionally refer to Hannah as "The Fair Maiden Hannah" because it was quick, it was accurate, and I'm personally comfortable with sarcasm in my prose voice. In the quick sex scene I wrote for Mari, I know her nameless partner is into her because he's curious about slum pussy, so I have him focus on the things that stick out to him: her hairstyle and her tattoos. Again, there is such a thing as doing this TOO much, but with enough feedback you'll get a feel for it.

-About that sex scene. I know brevity is the soul of wit and all, but you crammed three main ideas into that second paragraph; you could stand to let things breathe a bit. And anyway, this IS erotica...if there's sex, why brush over it, especially when you have an opportunity to develop character through that sex? In the original scene, Mari just fucks a guy and that's it; in fact, it's actually more of an aside that leads to her discovery of Hannah. Here, we learn more about Mari by how she fucks him: The way she picks up on his curiosity almost immediately, how she efficiently closes the deal, how she forgives his mildly disrespectful attitude, is able to cum in spite of it, and can still take control of a situation when she wants to. After, by revealing her thought process into how to spill the deets to Hannah, we also get a little window into their relationship. (Though, I admit, it may or may not be the kind of relationship you intended; that's more on me than you. Again, the idea is how you can use sex to build your characters, not how you should build them.

Let's go back to exposition for a minute: exposition dumps are never more dangerous than in dialogue. You've got a knack for banter that can be developed into a real strength, but you have to be careful about exposition. Let's go back into your story, after your heroines get off the gondola:

"Got to admit that the classy look you go for lets you get away with a lot more," Mari commented with friendly envy.

"Well, that is sort of the point. Nobody expects a sweet looking girl to act like I do so they don't see it when it happens. I still get asked if I'm a virgin on a regular basis. Like somehow a virgin can deepthroat or do anal without complaint her first time." Hannah scoffed rolling her eyes.

"I don't think I could pull off the act even if I looked the part. Too much of a slum rat to give a damn. When men want me is because they think I'm desperate and they are doing me a favour. Or that they are so bored with debutantes they want a woman who will ride them like they're the bitch." Mari knew full well Hannah had heard the rant a thousand times before but they both enjoyed hearing it. "The benefits of being treated like disposable trash is that after the fun you can just walk away. How many times have men wanted to propose to you after you spread your legs for them?"

"About half the time they want a relationship. Or rather just a reliable fuck partner. Not that they know the difference. Roughly two or three marriage proposals a week, though. Still, my speciality is that when I'm in bed or wherever we end up fucking I make them feel loved. And I do. For that short time of burning passion, I love that person."

"When it's not a sports team in the locker room."

"Well yea, sometimes you just want to have a wild ride. That's your speciality. I give the personal connection."

"Well, this new job will make good use of that. Dock 17 is over there."

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A.) It feels like Hannah and Mari are close enough that they would know these things about each other, and B.) even if they didn't, you're still stopping the story to lay out the two different approaches to sex the women have, even though you just had two theoretical sex scenes that could demonstrate that. If you would allow me another rewrite, this time picking back up from where I left off:

Mari popped open the door to the engineer's cabin, causing him to jump and curse in his seat. Hannah quickly looked behind her, and her face softened upon meeting Mari's impressed eyes. "Oh, it's okay, Paolo," assured Hannah, "she's a friend. Just relax and let me work."

"Paolo, huh?" He was on the young side, skinny with wide, innocent eyes, lovestruck and decreasingly fearful.

"We got to talking," moaned Hannah, bouncing on his lap, "and he's been so dreadfully unappreciated. I thought he could use a little break." Hannah leaned her head back, cradling Paolo's head into the nape of her neck. If he was shy around Mari he didn't seem able to express it, pulling down the right side of Hannah's blouse to expose a big, fluffy breast. "These things work themselves anyway; all he has to do is pull a lever. He can do that and me at the same time."

"Pull a lever. When he gets into a station, right?"

"Uh huh," Hannah moaned as Paolo tweaked her bright pink nipple.

"Like Cobalt Ridge, which we're just about to pass?"

"Oh shit!" Paolo reached for the docking lever, but Hannah stopped him, soothing into his ear. She turned around, pulling down the other side of her blouse.

"They can get off at the next stop," she assured him. "It won't kill them."

"Probably not," said Paolo, burying his head in Hannah's cleavage. She looked back up to Mari and politely motioned to the door behind her. Mari nodded and took her leave.

Outside the engineer's cabin, Mari could already hear the confused and angry murmurs of passengers that missed their stop. She shook her head, snickering to herself. Her guess was, they weren't making this next stop either.

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Most of the information you dumped in that big block of expository dialogue is now communicated through action rather than words. Hannah took the time to learn the engineer's name, takes more of an active, nurturing role in sex (not that Mari doesn't kinda do this with the finishing titfuck I wrote, but that was worded more as a show than Hannah's brand of nurturing), and while she doesn't mind an audience (and might actually enjoy one to an extent), she prefers privacy and intimacy as shown by her politely signaling Mari to leave. Mari, being a friend, gets it immediately and leaves Hannah be.

That's all character development is: how people act and how they react. When it comes to characterizing people, that's all you need. Again, these rewrites aren't fixes; they're probably not even true to your vision of this story. But I hope they show you how you can be a more efficient and effective storyteller with just a little more consideration. Write like that, and you can go right from the gondola to Mari and Hannah's new home at Dock 17, without having to slow down the story to explain their differing philosophies on sex.

I apologize if I come off as conceited here, and hope this long-ass post isn't taken to be an epic fuckbarrelling; that's honestly not my intent. I really like what you're trying to do here and I intend to stick with it regardless, and again, there's cause to believe you've gotten much better in the six or so months since you posted that first chapter. So please, while I hope you take my advice, don't let me discourage you either. As long as you keep writing and reading, I suspect you'll keep getting better.

@member9458 This is exactly what I needed, and what I feel.

This whole story is my first real foray into writing so I'm expecting to make big mistakes.

I know I need to use the comma more lol and I intend too. My biggest issue I think is that I'm excited to write the story and get all my ideas down before I forget. I make mistakes that I dont even notice because I have no personal reference between good work and bad. Now that Ive made mistakes Im going to be able to spot them looking objectively.

My first chapter is for sure the weakest and the one in most need of reworking. Now that I know where the story is going I can take a more critical eye to it. At first I simply didnt know what would end up being important.

Im going to comb through it bit by bit, elaborate descriptions and actions. Describe settings and people. Hand out names and remind the reader about important points.

Now about the sex, on one hand yes, stop glossing over it, on the other hand sometimes I want to make it feel more casual and just a part of the nature of the characters rather than something exceptional. Once again though, now that I am not in a rush I can take my time.

You arnt conceited at all, Im going to copy and paste your post so I can have it with the rest of my notes while I edit. I have a much better grip on the characters now so their earlier versions are going to reflect that.

RedFireBrand said:

So I've taken a stab at writing and people seem to enjoy it. I discovered the Bulletin Board so I thought id post here.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3165136&page=submissions

I'd like some feedback on my writing. Grammer, spelling, plot holes, or other mistakes are as welcome as anything else.

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*Grammar ;-)

Some thoughts on chapter 1:

You have some long and complex sentences. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you need to be extra-careful with punctuation and structure to make sure they flow. With a long sentence readers are likely to start parsing it before they've read the whole thing and that can result in confusion.

Example:

However, as those who remembered the time before steam grew grey and withered the raw resource used in making steam engines more than their technology allowed became scarce.

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So I'm reading this, I'm partway through the sentence:

"However, as those who remembered the time before steam grew grey and withered the raw resource ..."

There are several different ways I could parse that. Does "grew grey" refer to the steam, or to those who remembered the time before steam? Is "withered" being used as an adjective, applied either to "those" or to "steam", or is it being used as a verb? Steam certainly can wither things.

And then I get to the end:

"...making steam engines more than their technology allowed became scarce." What does that "became scarce?" apply to? The technology? The steam engines? ...oh, the raw resource. It's especially hard near the beginning of a fantasy story because I don't yet know what sort of story I'm reading or how you use the language.

After re-reading, I can understand exactly what you meant. But you don't want to make your readers re-read; you want to carry them along with the story, not break the flow.

I see member9458 has already encouraged more commas, and I agree wholeheartedly. A comma after "withered" would make this much easier to parse first time through. There are also other tweaks that would make it a little easier to read, e.g. "...those who remembered the pre-steam days grew grey..." makes it clearer what the "grew grey" is attached to.

The once plentiful element, raw magic that had bonded with fossil fuels in the ground over centuries called Ember, that is boiled with the water in an engine burning traditional fuels is now becoming much harder to find.

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As this is written, you have centuries called Ember. I don't think that's your intention! Also, you've flipped from past to present tense in mid-sentence.

Rather he enjoyed having a fun loving red haired woman with an amazing figure and ample bosom permanently affixed to his bar stools to bring in customers.

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"...why is her bosom permanently affixed to his bar stools?"

Part of the problem is that you're working your sentences too hard. This could be split into two: "Rather, because the redhead brought in customers. She had an amazing figure, an ample bosom, and a sense of fun."

Thanks for the additional help. I know CH1 is going to be needing the most work and this will help a lot. Now that all this stuff has been pointed out I will be keeping it in mind as I do the other chapters and when I work on the 2nd Act.

Final chapter of the 1st act is finished (pending currently, should be up in a day or so). Now I will start doing edits to the whole lot of them before writing anything new. Hopefully by the time I am finished the whole thing will be so much better.

If anyone wants to call out other mistakes in later chapters (i know Ch1 is bad.) then please do so.

Also Id like to know what peoples thoughts on the story are. The plot is important to me so Id love to talk about it.

Finally, edits are done and posted. I did a lot of work to the first chapter and fixed a lot of little things to the rest of the chapters. Now I am on to writing Act 2, hope to have something new soon.

Well i just had to stop to read this thread because i know the title. Let me say I F*CKING LOVE YOUR WORK

Thanks so much! did you already read it before seeing this thread?

Yea i read all the chapters as they came out Your story is one of more memorable ones i've ran across.

glad you think so, i suggest a reread of the first chapter. i changed a bunch in it and its better now. the rest just have minor fixes.

Working my way through it now. Good stuff so far.

Couple of typos and minor grammar issues here and there, but nothing worse than stuff I find in my own stories during proofreading.

I thought I got them all. Well I am glad you like it, hope to have more done soon.

Finally got chapter 18, the first of the new act, up for everyone to read. Hope everyone likes it! Id love to hear more feedback about the story and everything!

Chapter 19 is up. Would love to get more feedback or discussions about the story.

Honestly i think Chapter 19 of Steampunk harlots is a little lackluster in comparison to your other chapters. But on the other hand i'd challenge anyone to read this series beginning to end without liking it. To be honest i'd have some choice names for anyone who would read this entire series and not like it.

That seems to be reflected in the voting so far. I guess 'getting back to work' isnt as fun as more adventure but it needed to happen. Was there anything in particular that stuck out as offputting?