More Humour

Saxon_Hart said:

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

Click to expand...

I don't know where that guy shops, but my beer costs only $1.25 USD a bottle. I can get 16oz cans at $1.00 each, but I hate cans.

Zeb_Carter said:

I don't know where that guy shops, but my beer costs only $1.25 USD a bottle. I can get 16oz cans at $1.00 each, but I hate cans.

Click to expand...

It's the tip, Zeb. It's included in the $5. He's a big tipper.

One from South Africa:

Last Saturday afternoon in Johannesburg, an aide to President Jacob Zuma visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Bishop that Jacob would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Bishop would kindly point him out to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Jacob a saint.

The Bishop replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of his views."

Zuma's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a cheque here and now for a Donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Zuma as a saint."

The Bishop thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As the aide promised, President Zuma appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the centre aisle. As the Bishop promised, at the start of his sermon he pointed out that Mr Zuma was present.

The Bishop went on to explain to the congregation, "While President Zuma's presence is probably an honour to some; the man is not numbered among my personal favourite personages. Some of his most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and he tends to flip- flop on many other issues. He is is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb-sucker, and a nit-wit. He is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, President Zuma is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He married for money and is using his wealth to lie to the people. He also has a reputation for shirking his representative obligations both locally and overseas. The man is simply not to be trusted."

The Bishop concluded,” But, when compared with Julius Malema he is a saint."

JackLuis said:

Heinlein’s Razor:

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."
– Robert A. Heinlein.

Click to expand...

Fixed

An electron is driving along the motorway when a cop pulls him over:

"Do you realise you were travelling at 120 miles per hour?" said the policeman.

"Thanks a fucking lot!" replied the electron, "Now I'm lost!"

Bert_Fegg said:

An electron is driving along the motorway when a cop pulls him over:

"Do you realise you were travelling at 120 miles per hour?" said the policeman.

"Thanks a fucking lot!" replied the electron, "Now I'm lost!"

Click to expand...

Magic!

Two Behaviourists had just had sex. As they lit up the obligatory post-coital cigarette, one turns to the other and says:

"That was really great for you - What was it like for me?"

A little girl walks up to her dad and says:

"Daddy? Do people go to heaven feet first?"

"I don't think so Susan. Why do you ask?"

"Well, the other day I came in to get my skipping rope and I saw mummy on the living room floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting "Oh God I'm coming!" -- And she would have done too, if Uncle Peter hadn't been holding her down..."

And my all-time favourite...

"Tommy! Why weren't you in school yesterday?"

"Sorry Miss. My father got burnt yesterday morning."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Was it serious?"

"Well, they don't fuck about at the crematorium."

an old comment, but still valid:-

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:


FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition....£200 or best offer. No longer needed; got married last month.
Wife knows f#%#%#g everything!

Nice one - I'll be stealing this

Q. Why do politicians have heart attacks?

A. Because they deserve them.

Handley_Page said:

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Click to expand...

D-uh !!

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.'

Handley_Page said:

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper:

[snip]

Click to expand...

My fave was in a weekly paper in Los Angeles long long ago:

TALL GIRL, 7'2", LOOKING FOR SAME

Question: Why do policemen have bigger balls than firemen?

Answer: Because they sell more tickets.

"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading"
Thomas Jefferson.

What's the Difference Between California in 1850, AND Today?

California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California is today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.

Question: What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

Answer: You can't hear a vitamin.

Mummy, Mummy! What's an orgasm?

Dunno - Ask your Dad.

from Foreign Parts:

It's been discovered what the biggest cause of bullying against children in
the U.K. is..







Being a fat f*cking pansy.

Best firewall Ever ...

1. One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.

2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.

3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.

4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.

5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to (37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second = 1,6875 Terabyte/sec

This means that the female egg cell withstands this DDoS attack at 1.5 terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package, thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!

The downside of it is that only THIS small data package that it lets through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

Little Johnny blew up a balloon and started flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother told him to stop it as he was liable to break something, but the boy continued. "Johnny!" his mom screamed. "Knock it off! You're going to break something." He stopped and eventually his mom left for a short trip to the grocery store.

Johnny started up with the balloon again after his mom had left for the store. He gave it one last flick and it landed in the toilet . . . which is exactly where he left it.

His mom came in and before she could put away the groceries, she got the urge to go RIGHT NOW. Yes, it was really bad diarrhoea. She could hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it all came.

When she finished, she looked down and couldn't believe what she saw. This big, brown, bubbly-looking thing in the toilet! She called her doctor. The doctor was totally baffled as she described the situation, and he assured her that he would drive over shortly to examine everything. He never made house calls, but the curiosity was killing him.

When he arrived, she led him to the bathroom. He got down on his knees and took a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he took out his pen and touched it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon exploded and poop went everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asked.

He said, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar:

"This is obviously a joke." says Heisenberg. "The question is: is it funny?"

"Since we're inside the joke, there's no way for us to know if it's funny or not." replies Godel .

"Of course it's funny" says Chomsky. "You're just telling it wrong!"

There once was a man of Belgrave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said, "I agree,
It's disgusting of me.
But think of the money I save!"

This is a great one to teach to young nephews and nieces


There once was a driver named Hunt
Who, given an engine to shunt,
Saw a runaway truck
And, shouting out "Duck!"
Saved the life of the person in front.