Differences of Doms/Dommes

Hi everyone,


I am curious about BDSM and the power play within it. What I am asking myself, is there a difference between Doms and Dommes in how they exercise their power? I know that every Dom has got an individual style, but I mean in general...Are there common patterns? In speech, in action?

Is there in fact no gender difference? Is it more about whether you are dominant or submissive and your gender is not that important in the first place? (Of course your gender is important, but what do you name first, your sex or whether you're sub/dom?)

I am writing a Bachelor thesis about BDSM and I am here to learn from you and your opinions.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions^^

If you're asking this for an academic project, I'd STRONGLY advise you to check your university's rules on human subjects research (IRB approval, informed consent, etc) before you go any further. I know of one grad student who was heavily chastised by their professor when he found out they'd been surveying people on Literotica without following proper research protocols. They may also have some guidance on how to frame research questions.

Is there in fact no gender difference? Is it more about whether you are dominant or submissive and your gender is not that important in the first place? (Of course your gender is important, but what do you name first, your sex or whether you're sub/dom?)

Click to expand...

Also, if you're writing a thesis on a sexuality-related topic, you really should know better than to use "sex" and "gender" interchangeably

I am not using anything for my thesis paper if someone explicitly does not want me to use any information that this person provided. Everything here is anonymous and there is no problem (after I spoke to my supervising tutor) with my university.

I am still interested: Is there a difference between male and female dom(me)s?

curiouslearner6 said:

I am not using anything for my thesis paper if someone explicitly does not want me to use any information that this person provided. Everything here is anonymous and there is no problem (after I spoke to my supervising tutor) with my university.

I am still interested: Is there a difference between male and female dom(me)s?

Click to expand...

How would anyone know? We don't really have a body of knowledge on that score. We can suppose that the predominance of testosterone or estrogen in the brain would influence each person's emotional responses. Other than that-- I am at a loss.

My short answer is probably!

That said I've only been in one D/s relationship which isn't 24/7 D/s, although it isn't restricted to the bedroom only. By the way bedroom seem to be the code word for sex, kinky or not, on this board. Being we have two young daughter I think bedroom is very appropriate as it seems, for the most part, the bedroom is where our sex life is restricted to.

I can't really comment on what it would be like to be with a Dom, I'm just not interested in being with men.

The long answer is, it just isn't that simple. Female/male, in my opinion isn't as simple as either/or.

How we identify is more important. For me, first the easy part, I'm a WBW and I relate to being a woman. Complicated part, here's how I identify, a strong, confident, femme(at times high femme) lesbian, feminist, who at times is submissive and also to some degree a masochist.

Outside of the bedroom there is only one woman I'll ever be submissive to, at least as long as we are together and I truly believe it well be tell death do us part.

Sexually we are not monogamist but our relationship is, we don't have an open marriage. When we do play with others it's always together. The love of my life, my wife and Domme is a stud, similar to being butch, look it up if that is important to you. As far as my kink goes I relate to her differently than the only other woman we've let into our BSDM life and she's a much more experienced Domme but she is also femme. Part of that is because they do have different personalities but I am more defiant to our friend and I do believe it is because she's femme. I don't know if this helps but I have to be honest the power is still always with my wife, I consent to be dominated by our friend only because that is what my wife allows. Don't take that to mean my wife forces me, I'm very happy with the situation.

Why do you assume there is a difference? Has this been previously discussed in the literature?

I honestly don't think there's much more difference than between Dom and Dom and Domme and Domme. Some people top with bitchy passive deliberation, which we kind of label "feminine" and some people top with more demonstrative physical overbearing which we label "masculine" but if you honestly look to ALL corners of the scene you'll see that all flavors are up for grabs by all people, and most people take on a lot of different traits and responses to their situations, moods, and partners.

I personally have found more common ground at times with male dominants than other female dominants, and my style is generally a lot less organized in its thinking and a lot more off the cuff than any of the other women tops I've been around. It's not always something that plays into presentation, either. I don't feel like I have to dress the part to tap into masculine modes or vice versa.

We all get the same memo about power outside the bedroom, but what we do with it is going to be as varied as people are.

I'm a switch I have Been and am a sub and a Domme.

I've been both a sub to a male Dom and I have had male subs. I think your question really should be about what the persons turn ons are. What does something for one may not do it for the other. And do they tend to have more masochistic tendencies or sadistic ones. What are their limits ? This drives how I treat my submissive and or bottom. I've also been a service top/and bottom. I hope this doesn't confuse things for you.

I'm a sensual Domme I don't believe in rendering serious pain. So when I use my sub(who gives his gift of submission to me) I put him thru what he's shared with me are his turn ons and I have shared mine. These are mutually acceptable for each other. We always have a safe word too if we need it.

Now having said that I have provided pain as a service top but it's really not my thing. The person I played with I really cared about and I provided it knowing how much he enjoyed it. So I got a kick from watching his enjoyment!

Does this help you to understand? Differences between a Dom and a Domme are individual, and depend on their personal preferences in my opinion.

I hope this helps you in some way to broaden your understanding!

You're not going to get thesis-worthy information here, yeah. I mean, you could maybe talk about PERCEIVED variance in domination styles as regards gender, but all you'll get here is anecdotal evidence, which is as far as I know about as scientifically valid as a fear of black cats. We're none of us researchers who have performed peer-reviewed studies about this difference, and asking people here is definitely not a scientifically valid study of your own.

Informally, as far as my experience goes, I'll echo Netzach's perception that there's more variance within a gender than between masculine and feminine genders taken as wholes. This has held true in actual studies that weren't centred on BDSM.

Pure speculation: It's possible that biology may have some impact, as men are often larger than women, and het pairings are the most common type, so we could speculate that it's more likely for male doms to physically control their submissives. The gender roles we're taught may also have an impact - there seem to be more male dominants and female submissives, which may point to an extension of the roles we're taught as children, and when women take a dominant role it may feel like a subversive act, which could potentially affect domination styles.

But who fucking knows? I'd be fascinated to see an actual study into domination roles as affected by gender. My instinct, though, is that variance within a gender would prove greater than variance between genders. Especially if you're shuffling everyone into only two genders and not counting alternative genders such as neutrois.

curiouslearner6 said:

I am still interested: Is there a difference between male and female dom(me)s?

Click to expand...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQvnZOR_oIk

A 'Dom or Dominant' is the Male of the species, a Master. A 'Domme or Dominatrix/Dominatrice' is the Female of the species, a 'Mistress' to her Subs/Slaves. Please trust me, I'm a 'Submissive' myself but was also forced by my Dom Master to roleplay as a Domme Mistress to one of his slaves x x x