Gi_Venus
Loving Heart
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2005
- Posts
- 11,550
Hi Everyone I was trying to clarify some thoughts and wrote the following. Please do contribute to the thread if you desire.... I would love to hear other stories other than my own.
My doctor says I have a female brain, It fits, the constant conflict of trying to fit into my male role with family, friends and society. All a lie to myself, an untruth that cries to be justified. In my youth my hormonal surges presented me with all kinds of unwelcome thoughts and behaviors…I knew, something was wrong with the self loathing I felt as I lived through these experiences. I lashed out, I tried to numb myself to the chaos within.
Early on I had some experiences that were a strong indicator that I was a woman, when I was treated as one I felt a sense of rightness….however the perception of the possible rejection of family, friends and our small community made exploring such things as taboo. Secret guilty thoughts quickly squelched were the norm and set the pattern for years…I became sensitized to how males are perceived and feared in our society, I knew I was not a threat to anyone yet women, children and some elderly always cast fear as a shield to the presence of me, a male. There was the fear of inappropriate behavior that was projected onto me. I wanted connection, I still need connection yet averted eyes, shunned hasty retreats from my loving nature would reinforce my loneliness and shyness. All through the years there was a sense of being lost. I played at my male role and learned to behave according to what was expected of me. Hating all of it. It was not me. I wanted gentler things, I wanted to nurture babies. I wanted the grace of female companionship in how they interacted with each other….I was outside of that, knowing that as a male I was never to share such things. The conflict of my very nature led to a state of chaos…..thoughts appeared…. Quickly to be shunned for my role as male was threatened . I hated myself.
It was not until I had a relationship with a woman online that my world was shaken, I experienced an awakening, a truth of myself and of my lived false nature. Our relationship was not really the key but what was invoked in me,
in retrospect I saw what she stirred in me and the true nature of it, I was a woman. I found myself on the phone talking to a transgender specialist asking in a small voice for help. And so my journey began to self, to recapture my life as it should be. Strangely enough it is only one of self acceptance, to be myself and not be prey to the worlds projections, to walk a path of truth, I am a woman and that is a fact despite natures joke.
The hormonal changes are secondary and incidental, whether my body changes or not, surely I am pleased to see my emerging form match my self perception and with it my fear of men grows. How ironic that I will shun them as I was shunned. Smile, except the special ones.
Gianna
My doctor says I have a female brain, It fits, the constant conflict of trying to fit into my male role with family, friends and society. All a lie to myself, an untruth that cries to be justified. In my youth my hormonal surges presented me with all kinds of unwelcome thoughts and behaviors…I knew, something was wrong with the self loathing I felt as I lived through these experiences. I lashed out, I tried to numb myself to the chaos within.
Early on I had some experiences that were a strong indicator that I was a woman, when I was treated as one I felt a sense of rightness….however the perception of the possible rejection of family, friends and our small community made exploring such things as taboo. Secret guilty thoughts quickly squelched were the norm and set the pattern for years…I became sensitized to how males are perceived and feared in our society, I knew I was not a threat to anyone yet women, children and some elderly always cast fear as a shield to the presence of me, a male. There was the fear of inappropriate behavior that was projected onto me. I wanted connection, I still need connection yet averted eyes, shunned hasty retreats from my loving nature would reinforce my loneliness and shyness. All through the years there was a sense of being lost. I played at my male role and learned to behave according to what was expected of me. Hating all of it. It was not me. I wanted gentler things, I wanted to nurture babies. I wanted the grace of female companionship in how they interacted with each other….I was outside of that, knowing that as a male I was never to share such things. The conflict of my very nature led to a state of chaos…..thoughts appeared…. Quickly to be shunned for my role as male was threatened . I hated myself.
It was not until I had a relationship with a woman online that my world was shaken, I experienced an awakening, a truth of myself and of my lived false nature. Our relationship was not really the key but what was invoked in me,
in retrospect I saw what she stirred in me and the true nature of it, I was a woman. I found myself on the phone talking to a transgender specialist asking in a small voice for help. And so my journey began to self, to recapture my life as it should be. Strangely enough it is only one of self acceptance, to be myself and not be prey to the worlds projections, to walk a path of truth, I am a woman and that is a fact despite natures joke.
The hormonal changes are secondary and incidental, whether my body changes or not, surely I am pleased to see my emerging form match my self perception and with it my fear of men grows. How ironic that I will shun them as I was shunned. Smile, except the special ones.
Gianna
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