Dear X,

Dear Abercrombie Pants,
Can you please pretend like you fit me and COVER MY BUTT?? It really isn't all that big, I swear, and all this time I have been dieting, it's been for you, since you don't come in sizes that fit a girl with any curvy parts . I am still faithful to you however, and please, could you sprout some extra fabric right above the rear pockets? Even though my underwear is undoubtedly cute, I would rather not show it off to just anyone.

Love,
Still Dieting For You

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Dear Vagina,
I know it's a futile effort to try saying this to a female, but could you just calm down? There's really nothing to get so upset about. I keep you clean, well-fed, and you should really appreciate the things I do to keep you satiated. In fact, I know perfectly well that you have much more fun than any of my friends' vaginas. So why all the angst and frustration down there?

Sincerely,
The Rest of Me

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear The Company Store,
Could you please stop sending me catalogues? It's all I can do to not buy one of each of those adorable polka dotted sheet sets, and another of the striped set, and one of those really nice looking cotton blankets (only $29.95) in every single color you offer. Please stop tempting me.

-Me

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear Chocolate Fudge,
Please stop migrating immediately to my ass when I eat you.

Ever Yours,
The Pants

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Dear M,
PLEASE leave your ungrateful boyfriend and come let me devour your luscious body at every opportunity. He really doesn't deserve you, and I KNOW you're brave enough to be on your own, even when you don't think so. I see you looking so unhappy, and you don't need that. I love you and will always be your dear friend, but when you need some sugar, will you come knock on my door? It'll be open....

Dear Taxman,

Time for our yearly letter. I have finished my part...I hate this time of year especially when I am waiting for all my tax receipts to arrive.

I know, I know I am late and really it isn't on the way to you yet, because I only collect, sort, summarize the information. I am giving into the hands of my accountant tomorrow and I trust you will receive my return soon.

It was a good year, hopefully you won't be able to gouge me as in the past as I have heeded the advice of my accountant and reduced my taxable income.

SO...adieu mon ami. Until another year from now anyway.

Signed
Free at Last

--------------------------

Dear stupid company

Did you have to wait until the absolutely last minute to send that last tax receipt? I could have put this mess out of my life a month ago if it were not for you.

You aren't even making money for me anymore, freakin' idiots. But I am getting rid of you this year, so two years <sigh> from now you will be out of my tax life.

Signed
Unhappy shareholder

--------------------------

Dear Accountant

Here is my tax information. I did most of what you suggested and yes my taxable income is less. I hope you like how the information is organized...even better than before!! and you liked it that time.

You reduce my stress and for that I am gratefull. Please do your normal efficient processing. Again as in last year, I apologize for the lateness of this package...but it is that freakin' company again. But I'll get rid of them soon....I promise. Your service is worth every penny.

Signed
A Gratefull Customer

naamplao said:

Dear Accountant

Here is my tax information. I did most of what you suggested and yes my taxable income is less. I hope you like how the information is organized...even better than before!! and you liked it that time.

You reduce my stress and for that I am gratefull. Please do your normal efficient processing. Again as in last year, I apologize for the lateness of this package...but it is that freakin' company again. But I'll get rid of them soon....I promise. Your service is worth every penny.

Signed
A Gratefull Customer

Click to expand...

As an accountant...although I don't do personal tax returns...let me, on behalf of all CPAs/CAs who do personal tax returns, thank you for appreciating both the work they do, it's value to you, and how absolutely hectic this time of year is for them.

Dear Self,
You know what happens when you forget to take those happy little pills. You'll save yourself a lot of aggravation if you just TAKE THE STUPID PILLS!

Dear mind,

In some circumstances, such assiduousness is prized and well rewarded. Working 20 hours a day is valued highly in Silicon Valley, so I'm told. But may I remind you that we're not inventing the next Killer App here? We're just trying to live a modest life each day.

So let's strike a deal, shall we? I'll keep you busy and make good use of you during the normal working hours and even into the evening a bit. But I want you to punch out, clear your desk, and say bye-bye to busy-ness when you detect very low levels of light and high levels of snoring from the spousal unit.

Got it?

Sleepless in Chicago

P.S. If this overly zealous behavior continues, I will have to resort to calling on Catbert the Evil HR Director to fire your ass.

Dear Right Ankle,

I'm really fucking sick of your whining about how much you hurt. "I need another Darvon, e!" "You're making me walk too much, e!" "Why can't we skive off physical therapy 'just this once', E??"

Suffering, are you? How do you think *I* love the free full-body massage w/apologetic breast exam from the TSA wand-wizards every time I set off the F-ing walkthrough metal detectors at the airport? All that hardware tucked around you is what's keeping you in one position instead of five, muthahfuckah.

Suck it up and heal already, you pathetic sack of ballast! It's Springtime, I should be wearing cute skirts and sandals by now, but I can't b/c my ass is as wide as a sofa on the count of your loafing around in a cast for two months. I'm fed up R.A., I really am! I should've told the surgeons to amputate your sorry existence when I had the chance in January because gangrene would have been a fate too good for you.

Love,

E

Dear Citizens of France,

The French Presidential Elections are the best thing on TV right now. Please promise me you won't let it jump the shark like 'House, M.D.' has. I need a good laugh these days.

Thank you,

Your Friend On The Other Side Of The Pond

Dear Libido,

Where have you been? Please fire off a day-glo flare from your position, cuz I'm not spotting you on the horizon at all.

Cheers,

e

P.S. Has R.A. said something to make you go away? I swear I'll ring his fucking neck if he has!

Dear neighbours,

I wish you would go on a looooooooong holiday because you're out for the day and we can actually enjoy our garden and the nice weather outside. When you are home all we have to listen to all day is how you abuse (verbally mostly) your children and how they fight back like crazy (as young as they are) because they have never seen how things can be different. We have tried to very carefully make you aware of how bad you treat your children but you can only come up with lame excuses and pointing fingers at others.

I do hope you are having dinner outside too today, so we can enjoy our first barbecue of this year in peace.

M's

My dear friend,

You have a troubled life my friend. For all the problems I have you have about three or four, and those are just the ones I've heard about. Despite this, you are one of my best friends and I feel like I can tell you almost anything, and pretty much I have. I'm sorry we weren't better friends in high school when we saw each other more often, but it is nice to talk to you online. I like helping you with your problems, it's part of my personality, but this time I'm a little worried.

You see, when you broke up with your last girlfriend it was not good. Neither of you were happy with each other, and it was quite nasty. I think we all heard about it, pretty much from both sides. Now you want to get back together with her. I will support your decision no matter what, but I want to tell you that I think it's a bad idea for multiple reasons. One, see above. Two, I get the feeling from you that you really want to get back together with her just because you're lonely, you miss the boyfriend girlfriend relationship, and I don't think that's the best idea. Last, I don't want to see you get hurt again like you did before.

As I said before I will support you in whatever decision you make.

Oh, and thanks for being a great friend. You can get some things from a guy's perspective that I can never see from a girl's perspective. That's why I think every girl should have a guy friend, it just helps.

You're swell,

KR

Dear JackassBoynumberONE,

Why where you telling me all those things on the phone yesterday? Where you trying to 'scare' me off or where you just wanting me to know? You send wicked mixed signals...maybe thats why you told me what you were telling me. I don't know...thanks for telling me that you care about me though....that atleast made some things make some assemblence of sense.

I still think you're kind of an idiot, but I still love you anyway!

P.S....I didn't fake it, no matter what you think.


Love, Me.



Dear Mom,

What the hell is wrong with you? Why don't you get that who you're "friends" with, is completely ridiculous? I'm glad you're "happy"....but I'm still thoroughly convinced that you're completely lying to yourself about being happy. You're getting laid and a big fat ego boost...congratulations to you. It's not going to go anywhere and you're just alienating your kids. I'm glad our relationship can be sacrifical to you. Congratulations, you're being the psychotic bitch you never wanted to be.

Love, ME


Dear Eric Dane,

You're unbelievably hot as Dr. McSteamy....you can come visit me anytime....clothing optional....preferrably removed.

Love, ME

Dear Jefferey Dean Morgan,

You're gorgeous...even laying in a bed...with a hospital gown....I sometimes live in Seattle too....

...come visit!

Love, ME

Dear...

Ex

Why were you so beautiful to me in the beginning only to turn into a raging monster? How could you rape me time and again when I hadn't the strength to fight you off? Why did you sodomize our babies and then tell me? Only to have the courts call me the liar? How did you manage to convince the courts to take my children from me when all I wanted to do was prevent you from doing it again?
Why are you still doing it? WHo is that fucking bitch that slaps my childrens faces when they tell her something she doesn't want to hear? If I had my druthers you would be dead. End of story. Iraq was supposed to kill you, but you hid out in the officers club far from any real action. I would do it with my bare hands if I could. But then that would defeat the purpose of getting my children away from you and back home with me. How could you have fooled me so completely that you were the good guy then piece by piece shatter all my dreams and hopes and belief?
One day, and may the gods grant it soon the web you have woven of falsehoods and misdirection will come unraveled and you will hang yourself in words and deeds. Then my hands will be clean and you will be rotting in the hell you so richly deserve. MY love died. My trust died. My belief died. And you still have this amazing ability to destroy my world whenever you decide to all becuase the children are beginning to speak about what you have done to them, and what you are still doing. Take me out and its moot right? I won't go down that easy you fucking pig sucker. I am grown titties bigger than your balls ever were.



Dear Soon to be EX -
You took everything I had to give you and gave me dinner and a drink. You let me believe there was more to your affection than simple attraction. You have been watching me drown, and because I wasn't screaming and ranting about it, it wasn't a big deal to you. You won't even try to make love to me anymore. You simply believe because I am and was attracted to you I will be ready in 20 seconds to be fucked.
My heart is breaking and you are oblivious to my pain.
Your heartless comments about the most important thing in my life, and wonder of wonders it was Not you, broke something inside of me. You cannot have me without my children attached. YOu cannot have me act your wife without the benefits of being one and if not a wife a claimed and validated lover. ANd Now you will never know what it would have been like between us. ANd how dare you say what you did the other night? How fucking dare you? Then misquote me to keep your heart and balls safe? As long as you keep your bits safe and take no risks with love thenyou will never know the love a woman has to offer you. You will drag it on and out until she gives up and walks away. Tell a woman you love her? Never. Never. Never... but claim her time and space and monogamy, of course thats what you expect yes? total loyalty without the binding words of I love you , please be with me...
I am done. Its just a matter of timing before I can tell you without wanting to beat you senseless with it.
I can say sincerely, Thank you for building me a computer, fixing my tie rods and rigging the furnace to keep me warm. At least I can say you did do SOMETHING for me. My writing career is just about to launch. Too bad you wont see it happen. You wont even read my stuff now. I guess I have to be famous before you will read me hunh?
I wish you well darling. I really do. BUt I have had enough of being lured along with you dancing away everytime it gets serious.


Dear Courts
WHat a fucking bunch of masogenistic mother fuckers you are! Strong woman in your court? BREAK HER!
How dare she stand up for her children. How dare she report her husbands pedophilia and spousal rape. ANd she had the audacity to take the children and move to her mothers house to recuperate and regain her strength? Well we will just see about that! every arcane and ill advised "rule" you could find to punish me was brought to bear. THen you let him take those beautiful innocent children from me and wouldn't tell me where they were for six months! THen to add insult to injury you trippled the support payments I was to make. ANd didn't give a good goddamn when I nearly died last august. I was out of work and unpaid leave for three months. DId you care? no? did you mitigate the order to pay or go to jail? No.
I live on granola, apples and eggs, live in a shit hole apartment and still ahve to pay you 45% of every thing I earn. And what does he do with the support? he spends it on computer games and trips around the country with his bitch slut who doesn't realize I can do math and know her son is my sons half brother! THey could be twins they look so much alike. But does his adultery and battery and pedophilia make a damn difference in the scheme of breaking a strong woman again and again hoping she will shut up and go away? No.
My children are worth jail time. In fact you are planning to put me in jail on may 2nd aren't you? becuase I am behind in payments from not being able to work for three months? YOu didn't care that I was working two full time jobs before that happened just to make sure I could pay it? I am still not all better. I will never be all better. But now you are letting him force the issue instead of letting me make smaller additional payments as I sell of my belongs to satisfy his greed.
How come he only had to pay 20% for support before he took them away?
One day you will realize that I never lied to you. I told you nothing but the truth. I wish it would happen soon. Cuz then I would turn around and sue you for liable and slander and defamation of character. But then again there would probably be more justice if you experienced first hand - up close and personal what you have inflicted upon me and mine.
I hope it makes you bleed.
in fact I hope it makes you bleed to death knowing your hands are tied by the very system you work for.

Herd of Elephants above my apartment
Every hear of the quiet after 10 rule?
Every hear of fucking carpet?
Do you forget there are people living underneath you?
YOu must or else you would take your fucking shoes off before you stomp across the house. You would freaking muzzle that baying hound and let him out frequently enough that I am not moving furniture out of his piss rain. YOu got hostile becuase I complain that your dogs piss was coming through the floor onto my bed, my couch, my favorite chair. YOu still havent coughed up the shampooer to get rid of the stains!
WHere do you get off getting mad becuase I don't want you in my apartment to flip the breaker switch? Call me I will do it.
BUt for gods sake its sounds like three thousand elephants are over my head when you come home drunk at midnight and your dog is howling and you have tow or three poeple on your heels. Mariachi bands at 2 am is just plain cruel
by the way where di you learn to park? oh thats right you just don't care if you take up 2 of the four spaces in front of the place do you?
Ha maybe it would teach you if you actually had to listen to how fucking loud you are........ I shoudl record it.... haha brilliant I will!



done for now

Dear you,

Please don't be afraid. I know it's easy for me to say. You are living the nightmare and my events have compounded your fears. I am truly sorry.

Lets lean on each other, lets reinforce what is good, and together we can deal with the bad.

Love, me.

Dear Body,

Enough with the hot flashes!

Me

Dear Lower back,
You got me. You're right. I shouldn't have moved that way. You have a right to be angry but I really wish you could find it in your heart to ease up a little on the pain. Just keep it down to a nagging ache, please?

Apologetically,

BeeG

bobsgirl said:

Dear Lower back,
You got me. You're right. I shouldn't have moved that way. You have a right to be angry but I really wish you could find it in your heart to ease up a little on the pain. Just keep it down to a nagging ache, please?

Apologetically,

BeeG

Click to expand...

hey bg at least you moved the wrong way. I did nothing. ggrrr

wicked woman said:

hey bg at least you moved the wrong way. I did nothing. ggrrr

Click to expand...

Oh no, WW! I'm sorry to hear that. Back pain truly sucks.

bobsgirl said:

Oh no, WW! I'm sorry to hear that. Back pain truly sucks.

Click to expand...

And not a good suck either

Well now that they say you should move instead of lying in bed, I'm in the middle of making an angel food cake. *no smart ass comments woman *

Wow.. Some people are going through some hideous stuff..

Dear People who Post here:

Some of you have amazing inner strength. I am humbled.

Dear Head Cold;

Who the F**K gave you the permission to invade my body? It finally becomes nice outside and I am stuck in here aching all over, headache, mild fever and bitchy because you decide to move in.

I have birds to photograph and butterflies to chase down. I need stamina, not this wheezy cough and water tap for a nose. Christ! You have no shame, just waltz in when you feel like it and demand drugs to satisfy you....but they are never quite enough, are they?

I want you out NOW!!!! and don't come back for a long time....forever would be nice. Let me enjoy my birds while they are migrating back north.

Just leave, eh!

Frustrated photographer.

Dear house,

Will you kindly pick up after yourself. It would really make my life much easier.


Yours truly,

tired of dusting

Dear sister...

Grow up and take some responsibility. You are older than me yet act worse than my high school students. Why does everyone always clean up your messes? If it weren't for your son... I wouldn't bother talking to you ever. You really have no idea just how lucky you are. Perhaps someday your eyes will be opened. Until then, enjoy living in ignorant bliss.

~ your younger sister



Dear fuckwit...

If I operated the way you did... No, I could never do that. How does that work?! You piss me off.

~your colleague

Dear Lower Back,
Thank you for listening to me. You've dialed it back to a nagging ache that is merely annoying instead of excrutiating. Did the pills help? Because honestly, I'd rather not take them. I appreciate your kind help with this problem.

Love, Me

Dear Ex Husband:
The dream I had last night about you, didn't scare me like those dreams usually do. I just felt pissed off and angry at you, that you wouldn't leave me alone. After 5 years, I think I am finally healing....