I need help/advice. I'm 44 and married and have finally accepted, after all these years, and with the help of a good therapist, that I am gay. That is scary enough, but I do not know what to do. Do I come out and leave my wife? I love her very much and enjoy being married to her. But I crave being with a man. Yet I have never been with a man in any way. What if I break up my marriage, overturn my life and then realize I don't like sex with another man? I mean, I'm really turned on by the idea and I enjoy gay porn, but maybe I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I think I would be a bottom, but would I like it? Would I like dating men and having a man in my life? I do want to find out, but am so scared of the life change and the leap of faith it would require that I am battling depression. Part of me wonders if I should explore being with a man/men before I go so far as break up my marriage. But that would not be fair to my wife. Please help.
I am gay, but has never had gay sex
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none2_none2
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Nobody is going to be able to give you the perfect answer because the consequences of whatever you choose to do (or not do) affects you and your loved ones -- not the one providing advice. If your therapist is as good as you claim he is, he should help you uncover for yourself what is best to do. We can all share our own stories, but in the end, you have to decide what is best for you and yours...
For myself, I was tempted to go down the path of getting married when I was young, but sadly I found out that I was infertile. Note, I was never grossed out by the thought of str8 sex, the longing for man was just that much stronger. With the fact that I was infertile, that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Also note that I always felt that I could have avoided engaging m2m sex if I just had another man in the household. However, if you think about it, even if one has a bunch of sons, you have to love them enough to let them spread their wings and discover their own lives by leaving the nest. I always craved a man nearby because in my own experiences, men in a household were the ones that died, or were mean/absent (in the case of the years I lived with my dad), or simply just there for a little while. (Don't get me wrong, there is a definite physical attraction I have to some men, but for me the stronger pull was the need for the closeness with another man than just getting off.)
In my past, I did get involved with a lot of men who typically were married and older. It wasn't necessarily what I sought out, but perhaps it was that I never could relate to the stereotypes that I did see within the gay male community. Regardless of how it came about, what I noticed common with their stories was that as they got older it was harder for them to perform sexually with their wives. A younger man's privates can get excited just from the levels of testosterone of youth. An older man has to rely more on what is going on in his head. If his head keeps thinking of being with other men, it is harder to perform with his wife.
Note that your comment of trying gay sex to see if you even like it has elements of logic and other parts that just don't quite make sense. Imagine that (heaven forbid) your wife died tomorrow. Taking aside any fears of friends, other family members, or co-workers finding out if they found out your interests, would you want? A male body part (ie penis, ass, mouth, etc), or a man the total package?
I gave up my virginity when I was 21.5 years old. I disliked gay sex for the first two years. I was still attracted to men, but I didn't enjoy penises. I didn't want one trying to choke off my air, nor did I like one rammed up my behind. I put up with it thinking I had no choice if I wanted m2m. Some of my early partners (who were more interested in getting off with a naive inexperienced young man) told me that only hung guys could be tops as small to average cocks were simply not cut out to be in that role. I was miserable thinking that m2m sex was about desiring to be close to a man, yet having a lot of disappointing sex. About two years into it a kind man let me top him. It was the most super-fantastic time I had ever had in my life. I was in no rush like some men who think fucking is about being jack hammer pounding at a rapid pace as they race to the finish line. Rather for me it was the connection and the slower pace like two guys riding off into the sunset. When I'm inside a guy, I feel like he gave me absolute trust and that for the duration we are in a state of oneness.
I always suspected I was a top even before I got to do it, the first time topping simply confirmed that. So yes, in a partner, I look for a bottom. Luckily, I have had the same wonderful man for 15+ years now. We don't have much sex anymore because of my ED (brought on by diabetes). Its that kind of thing that makes you have to think about whether it is just about getting your rocks off with another dude, or actually enjoying time with him. For me, I love knowing that there is another man in the house. One who isn't planning on dying anytime soon, or moving out, etc. He is a PERMANENT fixture in my life. Also, I love the fact that we sleep together (yes the act of falling asleep next to another guy). There are times I can be pissed at him for something (usually involving things like money matters), yet most of the time whatever it is, he just has to wrap his leg around mine or his arm/hand near me when we are approaching dozing off, and I am prone to forget whatever it was I was angry about.
That is kind of my story. Your life is going to be complicated regardless if you keep the status quo and stick with your wife, or you throw caution to the wind and leave your life as you know it behind. Yes, I'm glad I have had my guy, but I'm 57 now and have had him since I was 42. From the age of 21.5 until then, were many years where I would have wished I did't have these urges -- because I was alone and what encounters (plenty) I had simply made me feel even more lonely because they didn't get me, or didn't want to get me.
Your age of 44 isn't old considering my age, but at the same time don't expect to easily find what you are looking for by coming out. Discovery takes time.
Finally, I would note that a couple things you have to look out for if you do proceed to experiment with gay sex:
a) Be safe! Many late bloomers get into a mood where they are like reliving their teen years since they deprived themselves all those years. Until you figure out stuff, don't risk getting a decease that you have to deal with for the rest of your life.
b) Also, if you are with a guy be honest from the beginning as to what you are feeling. I was once with a divorced gay virgin (who was also a man of the cloth). He said and did all the right things to me. I figured I had met my soulmate. Then two years into it, he announced one morning that he had never been in love with me... Looking back on it, I figure if the guy could hide for 20 years his homosexuality from his wife by whom he raised to kids, then what makes me think I'm so special that he would never say or do what he "should" say and do instead of what he is really feeling?
Well I hope there was something of value in my ramblings. Again, you have your own path to take, and I don't envy the situation you are in.
For myself, I was tempted to go down the path of getting married when I was young, but sadly I found out that I was infertile. Note, I was never grossed out by the thought of str8 sex, the longing for man was just that much stronger. With the fact that I was infertile, that was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Also note that I always felt that I could have avoided engaging m2m sex if I just had another man in the household. However, if you think about it, even if one has a bunch of sons, you have to love them enough to let them spread their wings and discover their own lives by leaving the nest. I always craved a man nearby because in my own experiences, men in a household were the ones that died, or were mean/absent (in the case of the years I lived with my dad), or simply just there for a little while. (Don't get me wrong, there is a definite physical attraction I have to some men, but for me the stronger pull was the need for the closeness with another man than just getting off.)
In my past, I did get involved with a lot of men who typically were married and older. It wasn't necessarily what I sought out, but perhaps it was that I never could relate to the stereotypes that I did see within the gay male community. Regardless of how it came about, what I noticed common with their stories was that as they got older it was harder for them to perform sexually with their wives. A younger man's privates can get excited just from the levels of testosterone of youth. An older man has to rely more on what is going on in his head. If his head keeps thinking of being with other men, it is harder to perform with his wife.
Note that your comment of trying gay sex to see if you even like it has elements of logic and other parts that just don't quite make sense. Imagine that (heaven forbid) your wife died tomorrow. Taking aside any fears of friends, other family members, or co-workers finding out if they found out your interests, would you want? A male body part (ie penis, ass, mouth, etc), or a man the total package?
I gave up my virginity when I was 21.5 years old. I disliked gay sex for the first two years. I was still attracted to men, but I didn't enjoy penises. I didn't want one trying to choke off my air, nor did I like one rammed up my behind. I put up with it thinking I had no choice if I wanted m2m. Some of my early partners (who were more interested in getting off with a naive inexperienced young man) told me that only hung guys could be tops as small to average cocks were simply not cut out to be in that role. I was miserable thinking that m2m sex was about desiring to be close to a man, yet having a lot of disappointing sex. About two years into it a kind man let me top him. It was the most super-fantastic time I had ever had in my life. I was in no rush like some men who think fucking is about being jack hammer pounding at a rapid pace as they race to the finish line. Rather for me it was the connection and the slower pace like two guys riding off into the sunset. When I'm inside a guy, I feel like he gave me absolute trust and that for the duration we are in a state of oneness.
I always suspected I was a top even before I got to do it, the first time topping simply confirmed that. So yes, in a partner, I look for a bottom. Luckily, I have had the same wonderful man for 15+ years now. We don't have much sex anymore because of my ED (brought on by diabetes). Its that kind of thing that makes you have to think about whether it is just about getting your rocks off with another dude, or actually enjoying time with him. For me, I love knowing that there is another man in the house. One who isn't planning on dying anytime soon, or moving out, etc. He is a PERMANENT fixture in my life. Also, I love the fact that we sleep together (yes the act of falling asleep next to another guy). There are times I can be pissed at him for something (usually involving things like money matters), yet most of the time whatever it is, he just has to wrap his leg around mine or his arm/hand near me when we are approaching dozing off, and I am prone to forget whatever it was I was angry about.
That is kind of my story. Your life is going to be complicated regardless if you keep the status quo and stick with your wife, or you throw caution to the wind and leave your life as you know it behind. Yes, I'm glad I have had my guy, but I'm 57 now and have had him since I was 42. From the age of 21.5 until then, were many years where I would have wished I did't have these urges -- because I was alone and what encounters (plenty) I had simply made me feel even more lonely because they didn't get me, or didn't want to get me.
Your age of 44 isn't old considering my age, but at the same time don't expect to easily find what you are looking for by coming out. Discovery takes time.
Finally, I would note that a couple things you have to look out for if you do proceed to experiment with gay sex:
a) Be safe! Many late bloomers get into a mood where they are like reliving their teen years since they deprived themselves all those years. Until you figure out stuff, don't risk getting a decease that you have to deal with for the rest of your life.
b) Also, if you are with a guy be honest from the beginning as to what you are feeling. I was once with a divorced gay virgin (who was also a man of the cloth). He said and did all the right things to me. I figured I had met my soulmate. Then two years into it, he announced one morning that he had never been in love with me... Looking back on it, I figure if the guy could hide for 20 years his homosexuality from his wife by whom he raised to kids, then what makes me think I'm so special that he would never say or do what he "should" say and do instead of what he is really feeling?
Well I hope there was something of value in my ramblings. Again, you have your own path to take, and I don't envy the situation you are in.
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dacoach44
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Be very careful
Sex is only a part of life. Are there kids? If you leave wifey for your selfish pleasure, they are the certain instant victims. How would family and friends handle it? If you really love wifey, be prepared for the self-loathing that will come once you realize how you have hurt her if you leave her.
Sex is only a part of life. Are there kids? If you leave wifey for your selfish pleasure, they are the certain instant victims. How would family and friends handle it? If you really love wifey, be prepared for the self-loathing that will come once you realize how you have hurt her if you leave her.
SparkyMark1961
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I am in a similar situation. I am married and have been for 30 years. I often think about sex with another man. Only two times did I get naked with another man. We performed oral on each other the first time and I orally pleased the man on the second time. Often I think that I want to do a lot more but am afraid of getting caught by the wife. I am not sure if I am gay as there are times when I don't think about m2m. Then there are other times that that is about all I can think about.
Maybe I need to talk to your therapist.
Maybe I need to talk to your therapist.
