Need help with break up from first Dom

I'm looking for any guidance or words of encouragement or even a distraction. My Dom of nearly 2 years recently and very abruptly ended our relationship He wrote and explained he needed to focus on priorities no one could fault him for, said it had nothing to do with me, said nothing about me or any sentiment that was anything but matter of fact, and that was it. He answered a few questions with one and two word responses over the next few days, and I doubt I'll hear much again.

I'm devastated. I fell for him fast and hard and can't imagine ever doing that again. I'm completely grateful for this amazing experience, but left kind of paralyzed with no idea of what my next step is and how to even just stop crying.

evc198 said:

I'm looking for any guidance or words of encouragement or even a distraction. My Dom of nearly 2 years recently and very abruptly ended our relationship He wrote and explained he needed to focus on priorities no one could fault him for, said it had nothing to do with me, said nothing about me or any sentiment that was anything but matter of fact, and that was it. He answered a few questions with one and two word responses over the next few days, and I doubt I'll hear much again.

I'm devastated. I fell for him fast and hard and can't imagine ever doing that again. I'm completely grateful for this amazing experience, but left kind of paralyzed with no idea of what my next step is and how to even just stop crying.

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Breakups, sounds like a hard one for you. You don't have much of a posting history at Lit. I will encourage you to make friends. Talk to people ALOT. Find your hobbies that weren't about your ex and do those ALOT. Watch for predators that prey on the emotionally vulnerable. Go to work. Do your chores. Take care of yourself. Read books. Get in some exercise. Pick up a new hobby. Give yourself a time out from dating while you regroup some. Be strong, even when you feel weak. Take up a cause and make a difference to someone that is truly on need. Be ...yourself.

Some thoughts.



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You can also get a dog, teach it tricks, get a change of scenery, time for vacation? Visit your cool family and friends, maybe one or two not so cool ones for a little contrast? Take a class. Fly a kite? I find that oddly relaxing and freeing. I'm gonna stop now.

Hello.
Am I right to understand that this was a long-distance relationship?

Either way, I feel for you. Breakups are always hard, especially if they are one-sided like that. What I recommend you do is first of all seek support and comfort from your friends and family - people who can be there, hold your hand or hug. Even if you don't want to go into much details about the nature of that relathionship - arrange a meeting with them, go watch a movie, eat something tasty (but not too much).
You'll see you'll feel better after just talking to people.

The best way to break depression and break-up sadness like that, at least for myself, is quickly pile some positive experiences and emotions on top of that. It's important to not let yourself stay at home brooding over your loss.

Also try to look forward. It might be hard, but try to find positive sides to your situation. You can now go and have a brand new boyfriend (and I suggest not to go for long-distance anymore). You can start working on building your future and your family from now on, from a new page.

Good luck! Don't be too sad!

I'm so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. The ending of any significant relationship is hard. Even if it's mutual. Or even if it's your own choice. But I think it's especially hard to loose your Dom, someone you trust, depend on, care about, and have been focused on pleasing. I wish I had the magic answer for you, but I dont.

I can say that you will recover. You mentioned that you're grateful for the amazing experience, and that's a good point to keep in mind. Everytime we meet someone new and take a chance on getting to know them better, there's always the risk of it eventually ending. That shouldn't discourage anyone from forming relationships or giving things a try. And hopefully, you share and enjoy a lot of great things during the time you do have together.

It might be hard to imagine "ever doing that again", but don't give up too easily. There are other great people out there. In the meantime...cry when you feel like crying. Lean on your friends. Make some new friends. Spend time doing things you enjoy. Find yourself again and be happy with who you are. And when you're ready, don't be afraid to take a chance on someone new.

It is so helpful to read all of your responses, thank you. One thing that has made this harder is that I am very private about this part of my life and don't have the same supports I would often turn to.

Though in some way, it is a good reminder that even if the people I turn to are different.. those things like exercise and 'a new hobby' are all still there.

When I do go to look again.. any tips on not just looking for what I know and almost assuming my last Dom was the definition of what I want.. of being open to more than that/not dismissing anyone who isn't him : )

Music, a hobby or keeping me busy, and remembering to eat are my go tos.

I'm going through something similar the last two weeks. So I feel your pain. For me playing music gives voice and strength to my feelings. I can share my playlist if you shoot me a PM. Though my husband cheated on me, so its a bit more crank than you might feel. I'm painting my house interior by hand....all of it. I'm almost 3 rooms down a week in. *nods* busy is good. Food is still a challenge. I have co workers literally refusing to leave my desk until they see me eat *something* apparently I'm scaring them a bit. I mean I needed a diet but not this way, lol.


Just above all, believe that life goes on, and you will find someone as good or better. As for finding someone new, when the time is right just keep your eyes and heart open....who knows what might come knocking on your door, or whom you might share breakfast on Sunday with.
Just don't jump into anything too quickly. You don't want a rebound relationship.

You will come to a place where you will want to dive into D/s again in some form. Don't rush in, take your time. Be thoughtful and smart about it. There are things you can do even if you don't have a partner. Learn about some vetting of your prospects for when that time comes. 'Friends first' in any case is a good start.

Until you get to that point, take good care of yourself. Your next Dom (if there is) will appreciate that and of course, you will reap the most benefit from taking good care. Smile, your life is moving forward towards something else, and that's a good thing.

Mrtenant said:

You can also get a dog

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Yes, get an animal that you need to take care for the next 15 years because you feel down for four weeks.

When I do go to look again.. any tips on not just looking for what I know and almost assuming my last Dom was the definition of what I want.. of being open to more than that/not dismissing anyone who isn't him : )

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I would suggest first and foremost to look for a loving lover. It greatly depends on your kinks, but I think that a man who loves you will support you in your journeys.

Also I encourage you to remember that there are many people who are not into any kink at the moment, but this doesn't mean that they can't be a great potential doms down the line. Personally, I didn't even know I was into BDSM until I saw a video online, and I'm sure there are many men over there who are just the same - never knowing that they might be interested in. So if you stumble upon a newbie - give him chance to get into it.

And thirdly, there are people who aren't into kink at all. This in itself may lead to a lot of heartbreak and wasted time, if you let the relationship develop too much, before you breach the subject.

So in short, my advices would be:
1) Find a good man, with whom you will want to get intimate not because he's a dom, but because he's a cool guy that suits you.
2) Don't wait too long to breach the subject of kink. This takes courage, but you are much better off doing that.
3) If he's interested, but not experienced - make a journey of discovering everything anew together. Wouldn't it be cool if he was learning for you?
4) If he's not interested, and kink is important to you - best you break up and look some more. I'd estimate that 80% of men are at least somewhat kinky.
5) Always make sure that even as your dominant, he respects your wishes and puts them at the front. This is counterintuitive, but that's how things sould work if you want a lasting relationship.

Thing I do NOT suggest is looking for a dominant exclusively. You may want to explore those options through munches and stuff, but you'll be limiting your choices HEAVILY if you do so. Not to mention that I get an impression that many self-proclaimed Doms are often have no clue about the proper way, and often are abusive personalities who justify their abuse through dominance.

Primalex said:

Yes, get an animal that you need to take care for the next 15 years because you feel down for four weeks.

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An older dog for the cynical....maybe it lives only four weeks?

Mrtenant said:

Breakups, sounds like a hard one for you. You don't have much of a posting history at Lit. I will encourage you to make friends. Talk to people ALOT. Find your hobbies that weren't about your ex and do those ALOT. Watch for predators that prey on the emotionally vulnerable. Go to work. Do your chores. Take care of yourself. Read books. Get in some exercise. Pick up a new hobby. Give yourself a time out from dating while you regroup some. Be strong, even when you feel weak. Take up a cause and make a difference to someone that is truly on need. Be ...yourself.

Some thoughts.



Edit reason: more stuff....

You can also get a dog, teach it tricks, get a change of scenery, time for vacation? Visit your cool family and friends, maybe one or two not so cool ones for a little contrast? Take a class. Fly a kite? I find that oddly relaxing and freeing. I'm gonna stop now.

Click to expand...

I was given advice like this with one thing added to it, "Logic and emotions cannot occupy the same head space."

Primalex said:

Yes, get an animal that you need to take care for the next 15 years because you feel down for four weeks.

Click to expand...

*smiling

Thank you all for the words of advice.

I’ve been through something somewhat similar (you can read my threads.) but what I’ve learned is to really let yourself feel the loss and grieve it. You can’t just fill your mind with distractions, cause that won’t help you move on. Feel the sadness and feel that void and cry, that’s you confronting the monster head on.

And once you’ve done that, wash your pretty face, smile in your mirror and look at how lovable and beautiful and worthy you are. So what if one person didn’t see it? Whose loss is it really? They lost someone who obviously cares so much, do you know how rare that is? They may never experience that again.

Once you do that and give yourself some love, work on your mind and your thoughts. Feelings only change when your thoughts change. Write it all down and in your thoughts learn from your mistakes, take him off the pedestal and highlight ALL of his flaws and the reasons why it wasn’t going to workout. Here you get to rewrite that story in your mind and you gotta make yourself the hero and the winner here, then your feelings about the breakup and him will change. Keep doing it over and over.

And know in your heart of hearts, that you will truly be okay, because you will.

How are you now Evc?

Sorry to hear what happened.
Something similar happened to me as well. I knew I was going to mess it somehow and I did.
I feel like a wreck..
Hugs to you!

Very sorry to hear your news. It must be very difficult, having been so reliant and dependant for so long. Times change, and people move on. Yet a real Dom - at least to my mind - owes a sub a long term care no less, and maybe more, than marriage. Feel free to DM me if you feel really bad.
Hope things get better soon

RedCosmonaut said:

Very sorry to hear your news. It must be very difficult, having been so reliant and dependant for so long. Times change, and people move on. Yet a real Dom - at least to my mind - owes a sub a long term care no less, and maybe more, than marriage. Feel free to DM me if you feel really bad.
Hope things get better soon

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Couldn't you have written:"So you are single again, eh?" without the nonsense?

Hi

I hope you’re doing better now. Going through something somewhat similar now and just want to say the advice here has helped me too

Thank you all