quietlylooking
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2012
- Posts
- 1,301
A friend who means a lot to me has been going through a difficult period, and I don’t know how to help him. Recently I’ve started to think that what I thought was kindness towards him might actually be hurting him, but I’m also afraid to back away. So I’m looking for advice.
This friend is a guy who I dated for about a year many years ago, when I lived in another part of the country. We’ve stayed in touch over the years as friends and have seen each other on a few occasions in the last twenty years. He’s now in his early 50s and has never married. He’s not close at all to his family, and I don't know them personally.
About 6 years ago he fell in love with a woman who had a temporary academic position in his area. When the position ended, she moved back to her home country overseas. They maintained a long distance relationship for a while, but that soon fell apart. He was willing to relocate to her country, but she did not want him to do that. His need for her became obsessive, and for the last few years she will no longer speak to him or have any contact with him.
Since then he’s been desperately unhappy. He seems to have lost touch with many of his friends (although we don’t really have friends in common for me to discuss this with, and he lives on the other side of the country from me now). We talk on the phone or by email/text now and then, and it is always the same story: he says his life is not worth living because she was the love of his life and he will never be happy again.
He’s always been very athletic and has become obsessively so at times during these years. He’s also told me that he has taken up some very risky activities (physical activities that he does without the usual precautions, sometimes under the influence of various substances). I worry so much about him.
I’ve encouraged him to seek counseling. To try doing volunteer work. To take classes, to stay busy, to try to meet other people as friends, etc., etc. I remind him that people (including me) love and care about him. I’ve told him to come and visit and offered to go visit him. I’ve tried to remind him of the good that he has done, and could do with what is left in his life. It seems whenever we talk and whatever I say, he just spirals further and further down and doesn’t take any comfort or relief in anything.
Lately he’s done and said a few things that have me particularly worried.
Am I actually hurting him by trying to listen to him and trying to be support and encourage him? Does he really need someone to just shake him and say “Get over it!”? Or is that just because I’m selfish and tired of late night calls from him that leave me feeling unhappy and helpless?
Or do I tell him that I think I may actually be supporting his bad habit of obsessing over his part relationship by listening to him talk about it? That I will happily to talk to him at any time about any other topic, but that if he starts talking about her or about engaging in risky behavior, I won’t be able to talk to him?
I've thought about trying to contact his family or a mental health professional in his area, but I think he would never ever speak to me if I did and honestly I don't think he would listen to them. He is so incredibly stubborn and convinced that his pain is something that no one else can understand.
I do really care about him.
Any suggestions or advice?
This friend is a guy who I dated for about a year many years ago, when I lived in another part of the country. We’ve stayed in touch over the years as friends and have seen each other on a few occasions in the last twenty years. He’s now in his early 50s and has never married. He’s not close at all to his family, and I don't know them personally.
About 6 years ago he fell in love with a woman who had a temporary academic position in his area. When the position ended, she moved back to her home country overseas. They maintained a long distance relationship for a while, but that soon fell apart. He was willing to relocate to her country, but she did not want him to do that. His need for her became obsessive, and for the last few years she will no longer speak to him or have any contact with him.
Since then he’s been desperately unhappy. He seems to have lost touch with many of his friends (although we don’t really have friends in common for me to discuss this with, and he lives on the other side of the country from me now). We talk on the phone or by email/text now and then, and it is always the same story: he says his life is not worth living because she was the love of his life and he will never be happy again.
He’s always been very athletic and has become obsessively so at times during these years. He’s also told me that he has taken up some very risky activities (physical activities that he does without the usual precautions, sometimes under the influence of various substances). I worry so much about him.
I’ve encouraged him to seek counseling. To try doing volunteer work. To take classes, to stay busy, to try to meet other people as friends, etc., etc. I remind him that people (including me) love and care about him. I’ve told him to come and visit and offered to go visit him. I’ve tried to remind him of the good that he has done, and could do with what is left in his life. It seems whenever we talk and whatever I say, he just spirals further and further down and doesn’t take any comfort or relief in anything.
Lately he’s done and said a few things that have me particularly worried.
Am I actually hurting him by trying to listen to him and trying to be support and encourage him? Does he really need someone to just shake him and say “Get over it!”? Or is that just because I’m selfish and tired of late night calls from him that leave me feeling unhappy and helpless?
Or do I tell him that I think I may actually be supporting his bad habit of obsessing over his part relationship by listening to him talk about it? That I will happily to talk to him at any time about any other topic, but that if he starts talking about her or about engaging in risky behavior, I won’t be able to talk to him?
I've thought about trying to contact his family or a mental health professional in his area, but I think he would never ever speak to me if I did and honestly I don't think he would listen to them. He is so incredibly stubborn and convinced that his pain is something that no one else can understand.
I do really care about him.
Any suggestions or advice?
