the marks of a slave

It's like somehow they render these actions of mine useless.

I do understand this, Bunny.

When I told my mother I was going to get married, my mother did not give her full blessing (she wanted me to marry another boyfriend who had become her gardener).

But she did say, "he'll probably be able to handle you." :rolleyes:
 
i have a question as a noobie and as a person who truly loves language...

slavery: to be forced to do something to suit the wants of another against your own nature until you forget what your own nature was.

submission: a person recognising your nature, accepting it, but finding a way to make you want to bend the way they need.


this is the way i view both words and the conotations behind them. is this just me or am i missing something deeper here?? i probably am...

You'll soon discover, ___ , that language is always open to interpretation, and endless discussions on the meanings of words take place, with additional debates on whether the language should be codified or not in order to tighten up the definitions and end the debates.

Feel free to see things from your own perspective.

From my own perspective, slavery does connote unwillingness, but whether it is truly possible to forget one's own nature is still an open question. In part, because there are some parts of me that I'd love to forget, and other parts of me that I'll hold onto with tooth and nail. And it isn't so clear that he'll ask me to forget the parts I want to forget. And I'll hold on with tooth and nail to the parts I love even if he hopes they'll disappear.

My husband is not the kind of guy who will use any means to "train" me, though. I imagine there are others who see slavery as an opportunity to break someone down psychologically, quickly and forcefully, in order to foster dependence and the re-creation of "self" in lines with what the master wants.

My husband instead uses the slow and steady approach, rendering actions of mine useless, as BiBunny so aptly put it.
 
thankyou eastern sun, as always, for your eloquent explanation. i should really apologise as i wasn't intending to be rude, insulting or appear judgemental. simply trying to find a way to better understand the rather astounding view of someone else's life that you afford us so frankly. thankyou again, and i will continue to read avidly of your work.
 
From my mother's journal.

She wrote this to me when I was one year old, back in 1962.

"I want you to grow up knowing, dear, that you have no basic right to be happy. That you have not been immolated by those you love should they bring you pain. For the goal of life is not to 'be happy' but to experience whatever your life might bring, to experience freely and fully and to attempt to understand.

And you will not need to depend on others to bring you happiness if you are independent and strong. What words! But we must build within you a self free enough and strong enough to endure whatever may come. You must learn not to look for value in your surroundings (for it is a futile and endless search) but to create it from yourself. To bring from your self the order and value with which you can guide your own life and the lives of others.

I want you to know happiness, my dear - rich joy and sparkling gaiety - but I also want you to know pain so deep that it wrenches your very being and drudgery so boring that it stifles you. For then you can emerge as one who knows her self, one who has experienced what life invariably offers, one who understands the joys and pains of others - and most of all, one who can endure.

If we can build a self within you, dear, upon which alone you can always depend, we will not have failed."
 
I woke up from a nightmare this morning, crying out and whimpering until reality settled its mundane pleasantries in my mind like so much silt in the water.

I dreamt that I had built a hotel out of debris gathered from a field of wrecked people and things. My first task was to bar the use of a credit card when I realized that the guy my friend was with was trying to save his cash to buy drugs. I then walked through the building and learned that the all most inaccessible men I have ever longed for had all arrived and booked rooms. I tried to be nonchalant even as my heart was pounding.

My kids and I walked out to the edge of a cliff overlooking the sea, and as I answered my cellphone to tell my father there would be dancing after dinner, I watched as my daughter tripped and fell over the edge.

I ran to look over the edge, and was simultaneously relieved to see there were no rocks to break her fall, and in despair realizing I'd never reach her in time. She was just a light brown speck in the turbulent ocean.

I woke, crying out and waving my hands in the air.

I never went back to sleep, and figured the dream had two meanings.

1. My daughter is growing up, and I will not always be there to help her.
2. I fear Judgement Day, when the balance of my actions will be weighed.
 
My husband looked at the proofs of our first-ever family portrait.

"We look so middle-class," he said, mildly disappointed.

"That is the point," I thought, "That is precisely the point."
 
"Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Boy, did I feel like he was talking to me tonight. :eek:
 
submission

i havebeen married for some time and i have this dream all the time of being forced to obay by this woman ,doing things i would never do and liking them,lately i have noticed i need this to happen to me so if any women are out there please pm me i would love to be your slave---------------susan
 
A few minutes ago, I was just about to give in to the despair of too much work and not enough time, when I came across the pomegranate my husband bought for me. (He knows it is my favorite fruit.)

I stood over the sink full of dirty dishes and hungrily ate enough seeds to keep me trapped a lifetime.

And the entry of the myth into my lonely little world energized my work and made me smile.
 
Bi and eastern sun..

I have been reading your posts, and I have to tell you both that I find them both very interesting, as well as appearing to have some similarities emotionally to me.

At this time, I really have nothing else to say except...thank you both so very much.

I need time to reflect on this.
 
I've let my mind wander lately. And it stumbled quickly into some bleak and desolate worlds where the light doesn't shine. Where the dark met the cold in the heart of my intentions, and I really didn't like what I was feeling. I began to hate myself.

When I brought this wandering mind back to my husband, it was chaotic and needy. It was accusatory and mean. It was self-pitying and frightened. It was almost wholly unpleasant. And it confirmed my hated image of myself.

He had no pity. I could feel the force of his displeasure like a receding vacuum, and I chased him. Like an insurmountable wall, and I threw myself at him. Like a growling dog, he attacked and I felt the strength of his hatred in his hands. He surprised himself, and held himself in check, and I couldn't say that I hadn't asked for it.

But the threat emptied my mind. In one moment. Empty. Nothing. No thought of myself. No thought of him. No swirling clouds of confusion and doubt. No tangled storylines. No blame. Nothing.

That is where I want to live.

Almost 24 hours have passed.

I can feel the momentum of the confusion gathering strength. Please, God, help me keep it at bay.
 
The bridge across the abyss is built on a web of tiny gestures, small acts of kindness and generosity.

It is a challenge to be generous when you feel you have nothing good enough to give. It is hard to be kind when you're in pain.

But it is the kindness. The smile. In the midst of all this pain. The tenderness that saves us from the fall.

When I am the one who wants to be saved, I run the risk of always living on the edge, relying on other people's kindness to keep me from dropping out of sight.

If I am the kind one though, offering a hand, a smile, time to listen, a prayer, I will never fall. It is within my power to save myself.

Sometimes I feel so weak, I tell myself I have nothing to give. But even in my weakness, I can smile if I choose to.
 
The bridge across the abyss is built on a web of tiny gestures, small acts of kindness and generosity.

It is a challenge to be generous when you feel you have nothing good enough to give. It is hard to be kind when you're in pain.

But it is the kindness. The smile. In the midst of all this pain. The tenderness that saves us from the fall.

When I am the one who wants to be saved, I run the risk of always living on the edge, relying on other people's kindness to keep me from dropping out of sight.

If I am the kind one though, offering a hand, a smile, time to listen, a prayer, I will never fall. It is within my power to save myself.

Sometimes I feel so weak, I tell myself I have nothing to give. But even in my weakness, I can smile if I choose to.


This is beautiful. Just beautiful.
:rose:
 
I've let my mind wander lately. And it stumbled quickly into some bleak and desolate worlds where the light doesn't shine. Where the dark met the cold in the heart of my intentions, and I really didn't like what I was feeling. I began to hate myself.

When I brought this wandering mind back to my husband, it was chaotic and needy. It was accusatory and mean. It was self-pitying and frightened. It was almost wholly unpleasant. And it confirmed my hated image of myself.

He had no pity. I could feel the force of his displeasure like a receding vacuum, and I chased him. Like an insurmountable wall, and I threw myself at him. Like a growling dog, he attacked and I felt the strength of his hatred in his hands. He surprised himself, and held himself in check, and I couldn't say that I hadn't asked for it.

But the threat emptied my mind. In one moment. Empty. Nothing. No thought of myself. No thought of him. No swirling clouds of confusion and doubt. No tangled storylines. No blame. Nothing.

That is where I want to live.

Almost 24 hours have passed.

I can feel the momentum of the confusion gathering strength. Please, God, help me keep it at bay.

Eastern Sun, thankyou.

Once again you have managed to put into words the feelings I am experiencing and yet cannot vocalise or explain. This is the closest description of how I have felt and acted and although slightly disturbing it is equally comforting to see it written and know that I am not alone.

Thankyou :rose:
 
I've been operating with the wrong assumptions.

Somewhere along the way I decided that the object was to free myself from this preposterous ego. That if I could liberate myself from its insatiable demands, I'd be able to taste raw life. In all its bitter sweetness.

I thought if I emptied myself of all those psychological structures, I'd stop being afraid because there'd be nothing left to ruin.

But I've had it wrong.

I'm not able to rid myself of these ego-structures.

It's possible, in fact, that these egos of ours are born out of our earliest creative acts. And will be, for each one of us, our crowning achievements. These identities we've formed from the raw material we were handed.

And as in any art, there will be critics and admirers.

Maybe that's where the trouble begins.

Not in the original act, but in our reaction to those critics and admirers. And the ways our initial creative impulse becomes influenced (and warped) by the opinions of the people around us.

A new year begins.

I know my efforts to free myself from this ego have been totally misplaced. A misunderstanding. There's no reason to seek my own destruction.

Something else is needed. :heart:

Happy New Year.

I love you all.
 
And it's still the moment in the movie theater, when he hands me his candy and his book while he takes off his jacket, but only takes back his candy, that makes me smile.

I sit there in the dark, thumbing the pages of his book, delighting in the gentle flutter against my fingers, and the fact that he's using me this way.
 
I'm not so good at making choices.

It's one of the reasons the M/s relationship appeals to me. In my idealized vision, I make a couple of big choices and the rest of my life is determined. I follow instructions. I do my best. I please the one I'm serving and all will be as well as can be expected. Right?

Of course not. I am not spared the responsibility of making choices. And when deciding what to cook for dinner becomes a big deal, there are no easy decisions.

I piss someone off with every decision I make.

I can go ahead and clear a path through the objections, forging ahead with the sharp-edged machete of my choice. Or I can try to juggle everyone's interests and desires, and follow a meandering course in the low-lying valleys. But where is the middle ground?

I find myself today in the middle of a quandary. The stakes are high. I feel threatened. And it's all due to a choice that my son and I made.

How do you know you've made a good choice? How do you work with the choices you've made?

I want to look at this with my slave-mind.

I've made two big choices in a. my life partner, and b. TPE. Choices I made on the basis, first and foremost, of a purely visceral response. :cool:

And what is the nature of that visceral response? In its barest form - Attraction. Aversion. Neutrality.

But then the thinking sets in. Attraction is supported by all the reasons this would be good (or bad) for me. Aversion is supported by all the reasons this would be bad (or good) for me. (Neutrality never holds enough interest to even get in the game.)

And then a moment comes when I have to act. And I decide . . . to move closer. Or farther away.

Is that how you make a decision? I have made lists of pros and cons when faced with a major decision, engaged in endless discussions and research, but it almost always boils down to an impulsive moment when you either move closer to or farther away from a particular person, place, thing or event.

And what happens then? You make the decision. Some are risky. Some are safe. But few decisions are all bad or all good. Now you have to make a series of new decisions, determining how to live with that first choice you made.

How many of us move closer to someone or something, then second-guess ourselves, and move farther away, and then regret our vacillation and move closer again, only to discover way down the road that the circumstances aren't exactly what we thought they were in the beginning anyway.

And now add other people into this process. They're moving closer and farther away for reasons all their own.

No wonder I wanted to simplify this challenging world.

So, anyway. . . I almost always base my decisions on that impulsive gut reaction. Attraction. Aversion.

But, what happens when you're attracted to something that could hurt you?

My only experience in working with this is to enter right into the thick of it, and then discover firsthand what the inherent nature of it is. What it's value might be. How I can adapt to meet the challenging circumstance.

Do I have a right to ask that of my children? To use the same kind of decision-making I would use for myself? I know what I have gained by putting myself in difficult circumstances. Is it fair to assume that my children would gain similar benefits?

If my child is making that kind of decision for themselves, do I have an obligation to choose a safer route for them?

Obviously, it's my responsibility to protect them from physical danger. But where does my responsibility end and theirs begin?

And the question that keeps haunting me . . . If I'm the kind of person who chooses TPE for herself, can I trust the choices I make for my children?
 
Most of my big choices are made by intuitive response. I "know" the right choice, and begin to plan moving in that direction, but my critical mind requires that I look at the decision and divine some reasoning behind my intuitive response.
 
I piss someone off with every decision I make.

Isn't that just the human condition?

I can go ahead and clear a path through the objections, forging ahead with the sharp-edged machete of my choice. Or I can try to juggle everyone's interests and desires, and follow a meandering course in the low-lying valleys. But where is the middle ground?

I think you're disparaging a degree of power you don't want to own. There's nothing wrong with choosing not to use it, but if you have to denigrate your own wants in order to do that maybe you're overstating the case that when you make a choice involving others it automatically means a running of roughshod over them. Also, is consensus always a toothless middle ground? Are people in D/s or TPE sometimes too eager to dismiss the possibility around consensus or compromise simply because we're of the opinion that they're not mandatory? They may not be the only way to solve problems or even the best, but I think taking them off the table completely as a way of viewing the world is a danger, is a denial of possibility.
How do you know you've made a good choice? How do you work with the choices you've made?

I want to look at this with my slave-mind.

I've made two big choices in a. my life partner, and b. TPE. Choices I made on the basis, first and foremost, of a purely visceral response. :cool:

And what is the nature of that visceral response? In its barest form - Attraction. Aversion. Neutrality.

But then the thinking sets in. Attraction is supported by all the reasons this would be good (or bad) for me. Aversion is supported by all the reasons this would be bad (or good) for me. (Neutrality never holds enough interest to even get in the game.)
Re-read what you just said. Neutrality never holds enough interest to get in the game? That might be exactly where more of your attentions are needed. In the places that are neither aha! nor hell no!. The places where someone else isn't going to get you on track and maybe you yourself can't because there's no compelling voice dictating from within. Maybe I'm a boring person but about 99.9 percent of my own decision making takes place on this, well let's try that, kind of a plane.

It works, it doesn't. Adjust accordingly.

When I make lists in an effort to decide things I list positive, negative, and interesting - an old creative thinking trick. Interesting in the absence of pos. and neg. helps tilt my decision making also. Neutrality takes on great import for me - I generally reject and then allow myself to return to those first emotional states, and they look the same, but different, when I do.

And then a moment comes when I have to act. And I decide . . . to move closer. Or farther away.

Is that how you make a decision? I have made lists of pros and cons when faced with a major decision, engaged in endless discussions and research, but it almost always boils down to an impulsive moment when you either move closer to or farther away from a particular person, place, thing or event.

And what happens then? You make the decision. Some are risky. Some are safe. But few decisions are all bad or all good. Now you have to make a series of new decisions, determining how to live with that first choice you made.

How many of us move closer to someone or something, then second-guess ourselves, and move farther away, and then regret our vacillation and move closer again, only to discover way down the road that the circumstances aren't exactly what we thought they were in the beginning anyway.

And now add other people into this process. They're moving closer and farther away for reasons all their own.

No wonder I wanted to simplify this challenging world.

Again, I think this is the nature of thinking about your own agency no matter who you are, when you are tied to family and your destiny isn't just your own, whether that's one other person, you and children, whether you are agreed on as "in charge" or not. You're faced with these questions about your boundaries versus theirs, your needs versus theirs, their need for boundaries and agency as human beings.
So, anyway. . . I almost always base my decisions on that impulsive gut reaction. Attraction. Aversion.

But, what happens when you're attracted to something that could hurt you?

My only experience in working with this is to enter right into the thick of it, and then discover firsthand what the inherent nature of it is. What it's value might be. How I can adapt to meet the challenging circumstance.

Do I have a right to ask that of my children? To use the same kind of decision-making I would use for myself? I know what I have gained by putting myself in difficult circumstances. Is it fair to assume that my children would gain similar benefits?

I think that's how most people make decisions in their youth particularly. Is it fair to ask them to make decisions by other methods than the ones that are *theirs* is more the question, because some of the time it will appear "as I did" and really it will always be "as they did." Most people enter into things and then decide if that's where they want to be and adjust, in my observation. I know of very few people who know what they want, dive in, never look back. A minority are happy. A majority are lying when they say they are.

If my child is making that kind of decision for themselves, do I have an obligation to choose a safer route for them?

Obviously, it's my responsibility to protect them from physical danger. But where does my responsibility end and theirs begin?

And the question that keeps haunting me . . . If I'm the kind of person who chooses TPE for herself, can I trust the choices I make for my children?

Depends on their age, their own history of responsibility and track record (have they ever been allowed to make significant decisions for themselves in the past) the nature of the decision. Can "we will try this for X-duration and if it is not working using X-neutral-standard we will TRY it my way" be offered. Again, TRY it my way versus we will DO it my way is extremely seductive if you are dealing with people old enough to be making any major decisions for themselves. TRY acknowledges their agency and your lack of total wisdom about everything.

As for TPE, you're looking at the result and not the process. If you are the kind of person who chooses a difficult, unpopular, and all-encompassing mode of relationship how does that NOT make you acceptable as a model in decision making? You're not dealing with the abdication of decision when you are talking about the act of deciding this is the best life for you - that's just the contents of the scripture.
 
Thank you for taking the time to challenge me on this, Netzach. I really need it.

Isn't that just the human condition?

Yes. I think most of my "great discoveries" are about being human. Slavery is just the vehicle I use on this voyage of exploration.

I think you're disparaging a degree of power you don't want to own. There's nothing wrong with choosing not to use it, but if you have to denigrate your own wants in order to do that maybe you're overstating the case that when you make a choice involving others it automatically means a running of roughshod over them. Also, is consensus always a toothless middle ground? Are people in D/s or TPE sometimes too eager to dismiss the possibility around consensus or compromise simply because we're of the opinion that they're not mandatory? They may not be the only way to solve problems or even the best, but I think taking them off the table completely as a way of viewing the world is a danger, is a denial of possibility.

I've had opportunities to be the decision-maker, and I love the feeling I get when I am in charge. I have an ability to make things happen that thrills me. And I love the feeling of moving forcefully through the world as it opens to clear a path for my intentions. I feel like I'm riding this tremendous wave of energy as it cuts through the underbrush.

But I also have a tendency to run roughshod over other people when I start moving on my plans. And I hate the feeling I get when I suddenly realize that I have been stepping all over the people around me, ignoring their concerns and trivializing their worries.

Since I don't like the way that behavior manifests in myself, I tend to attribute negative connotations to that power-driven activity. I'm a much nicer person when I am actively cultivating my more submissive nature. I move more slowly. I listen. I see other people more clearly, not simply as agents to further my own intentions, but individuals in their own right.

On the other hand, I have also found myself trying to please everyone around me, weaving that web of small kindnesses, and losing sight of the bigger picture and the wider world where I suddenly think more decisive action needs to be taken.

I have this idea that maybe there's a golden mean. That maybe I'll stop swinging on the pendulum that is characteristic of this M/s and D/s mindframe. That all-or-nothing thinking that can be very exciting, but unsustainable.

How possible is consensus? Without one or another party submitting.

I'm wondering if it's approachable through the neutralities you discuss below.

Re-read what you just said. Neutrality never holds enough interest to get in the game? That might be exactly where more of your attentions are needed. In the places that are neither aha! nor hell no!. The places where someone else isn't going to get you on track and maybe you yourself can't because there's no compelling voice dictating from within. Maybe I'm a boring person but about 99.9 percent of my own decision making takes place on this, well let's try that, kind of a plane.

It works, it doesn't. Adjust accordingly.

When I make lists in an effort to decide things I list positive, negative, and interesting - an old creative thinking trick. Interesting in the absence of pos. and neg. helps tilt my decision making also. Neutrality takes on great import for me - I generally reject and then allow myself to return to those first emotional states, and they look the same, but different, when I do.

I find you a brilliant thinker, Netzach. But you are almost speaking a foreign language to me.
 
How possible is consensus? Without one or another party submitting.

I'm wondering if it's approachable through the neutralities you discuss below.

Everyone submits a little. And what they're submitting to is a planned vision of what's "good" which is measured by observable metrics and not just "here's what I want, here's what I feel."

By approaching my most cherished decisions the way I would solid financial ones at times, I've found I've done best.

"I want that. Well, I really can't have THAT right now, but if I do this, maybe I can have that. If I don't do this then maybe I can have something LIKE that."

If you are really particularly horrified by making your emotions not the PRIME drive at all stages of the decision, it sort of explains why you might be uneasy with your decision making and how it goes over, I guess. I'm trying to explain this better...
 
I'm not so good at making choices.

It's one of the reasons the M/s relationship appeals to me. In my idealized vision, I make a couple of big choices and the rest of my life is determined. I follow instructions. I do my best. I please the one I'm serving and all will be as well as can be expected. Right?

Of course not. I am not spared the responsibility of making choices. And when deciding what to cook for dinner becomes a big deal, there are no easy decisions.

I piss someone off with every decision I make.

I don't like making decision. I don't like pissing people off.

But I've learned to accept that not making an active decision is still a decision in its own right. And pissing people off is an inevitability of living among them.

How do you know you've made a good choice? How do you work with the choices you've made?

I live with the "Time will tell" outlook on outcome. It does not keep me from worrying thou, but knowing (or convincing myself) that I made the best decision I could given the circumstances and who I am, helps. Also having planned for all the possible outcomes, including the most adverse and outrageous aides in not feeling helpless.


I want to look at this with my slave-mind.

I've made two big choices in a. my life partner, and b. TPE. Choices I made on the basis, first and foremost, of a purely visceral response. :cool:

And what is the nature of that visceral response? In its barest form - Attraction. Aversion. Neutrality.

But then the thinking sets in. Attraction is supported by all the reasons this would be good (or bad) for me. Aversion is supported by all the reasons this would be bad (or good) for me. (Neutrality never holds enough interest to even get in the game.)

And then a moment comes when I have to act. And I decide . . . to move closer. Or farther away.

Personality plays a big role in the decision making process I've noticed. And current state of mind, past experiences and so forth.

When I don't have a clear "attraction" or "aversion", my most common course of action is a sort of "study, wait and see". I used to get mighty frustrated with the uncertainty of living in limbo, and that is when it would get dangerous for me, as I would then try the "let's throw a bomb and see what happens" approach, with the end results that I had to spend all my energy to mend the broken pieces of what I actually wanted (a sort of let's destroy everything so I can see what I really miss and as such really cared for ...).

I've learned since to be patient. Sort of. Instead of throwing a real bomb I do "what if" bombs and play out the scenarios and consequences in my head/writing. Much safer that way.

When the attraction is strong I try to cool it off by making sure I know what I'm getting myself into. And when the aversion is strong, I try to follow my gut.

Of course if the aversion is for something that I'm asked within my D/s dynamic(s) I need to, more often than not, work through it, suck it up and do it, knowing that I will survive, and perhaps even learn something in the process.


Do I have a right to ask that of my children? To use the same kind of decision-making I would use for myself? I know what I have gained by putting myself in difficult circumstances. Is it fair to assume that my children would gain similar benefits?

If my child is making that kind of decision for themselves, do I have an obligation to choose a safer route for them?

Obviously, it's my responsibility to protect them from physical danger. But where does my responsibility end and theirs begin?

And the question that keeps haunting me . . . If I'm the kind of person who chooses TPE for herself, can I trust the choices I make for my children?

Being a parent is an incredible responsibility and it feels overwhelming many times.

And when that happens I try to keep in mind one thing: my job is to give them a safe environment to try out the skills they will need when out on their own.
So I try to guide, prod, challenge and protect without being too cuddly or nice.

The hardest thing is indeed not to project my own thinking, my own desires, my own view of life on them. So I try to focus on showing them the consequences of their decisions and respect their choices, knowing that they are at the moment young enough that I can override them, but the day will come when I will not have that power, and hopefully by then they will have learned to live and handle the consequences of their own actions/decisions.


Depends on their age, their own history of responsibility and track record (have they ever been allowed to make significant decisions for themselves in the past) the nature of the decision. Can "we will try this for X-duration and if it is not working using X-neutral-standard we will TRY it my way" be offered. Again, TRY it my way versus we will DO it my way is extremely seductive if you are dealing with people old enough to be making any major decisions for themselves. TRY acknowledges their agency and your lack of total wisdom about everything.

Thank you for a totally different perspective and way to make decisions. I'll have to ponder on it for a while.

But I also wanted to thank you for the above. The "let's try" approach is something I will try with my older kid. She is getting toward an age where I will not be able to override her decisions as easily anymore and it would be also highly counterproductive. I know her weak point and strength, character wise, but I cannot protect her forever from her weaknesses and I need to show her both trust and that mom is indeed a reasonable person (even when she yells ... ;) )
 
My Master offered to pay for the tattoo I get that marks me as his. I dream about being permanently marked whether it's obvious like "Property of Master James" or just a little key with a heart. Maybe one day.
 
Are people in D/s or TPE sometimes too eager to dismiss the possibility around consensus or compromise simply because we're of the opinion that they're not mandatory?

This is an interesting question.

We - as a couple - don't interact with each other as though consensus is possible. There's almost an understanding - or perhaps expectation - after living together for so long that we will not agree with each other. We share the same fundamental value structures, but beyond that we see almost everything from diametrically opposed perspectives.

And we've still managed to run a business, buy a house, raise children. (I do remember being absolutely amazed - and deeply relieved - that we both liked this one house - probably representing the last genuine consensus reached ten years ago.)

Given this foundation of disagreement, the TPE offers a formal power structure that helps to organize our decision-making. But it really isn't as simple as all that. He cedes authority in many areas, and doesn't want to be bothered with the details. He also makes compromises, a lot, taking into account the needs of the kids, the house, our extended family, me.

It's interesting, because it really isn't me who has to compromise. I am free to voice my opinion - as it is. He works with it. I may or may not get what I want. I may have to accept an alternative. But I feel free to form opinions based purely on my own understanding of the circumstances, while I'm certain that he feels he has to make compromises all the time, because of his position of authority.

I take our experience, and then start extrapolating to international and/or inter-cultural negotiations. If an expectation of consensus seems impossible, and force is not an issue, will it always be true that the dominant party has to compromise and the subordinate party accept?
 
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