Humor Thread

From my bookdealers' newsletter:

I'm not certain what this subject has to do with the book business, but you did ask for more examples, so here's mine. I saw it a few years ago on a builder's van in Southall (a predominantly Sikh district): "Mohan Brothers, Builders. You've tried the Cowboys, now try the Indians".

Og

Just received this one.
DG


OH! HELL!!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal ... along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump, or swim are already in the United States

TWO MEDICAL STUDENTS AND THE OLD MAN------NOW THIS IS FUNNY~

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you
might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart...................... But I was wrong, too!"

DG Hear said:

TWO MEDICAL STUDENTS AND THE OLD MAN------NOW THIS IS FUNNY~

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you
might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart...................... But I was wrong, too!"

Click to expand...

One thing that old men learn: NEVER trust a fart.

The keen and Enthusiastic blonde Teacher of primary school kids was full of smiles recalling the previous day's trip to the Farm.

"OK children," she gushed, "what sounds did we hear on our trip to the farm ?"

There was chaos as all the kids yelled out all sort of sounds:
"Moo",
"Baaa",
"Quack - quack"

There was a lull and a small voice said "Get off that fuckin' tractor."

Sick In Church

A little girl and her mother were in church when the girl started to feel ill.
"Mommy, can we leave now?" asked the girl.

"No." replied Mom.

"I think I'm gonna throw up."

"Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

A few moments later the girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" asked Mom.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up and be back here so soon?"

"I didn't even have to go outside. They have a box right by the front door that says 'for the sick'."

Cover Up

A drunk in a bar barfs all over himself. "Giddman", he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me".
"No problem", says the bartender, as he sticks ten bucks in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.".
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife the story. She reaches into his pocket and finds out not one but two tens. "Why is there so much money?", she asks.
"Oh , yeah, he crapped in my pants, too".

The old ones are the best:-

A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire
departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

The fire-truck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the fucking brakes on that truck."

Rodeo Position

Two guys in a bar are discussing "positions" so one tells the other, "Well my favorite is the rodeo!"

and the other says, "What's the rodeo?"

"well, first you get your wife down and start to do her doggy style, then when you're halfway done, you bend over and whisper in her ear, 'you know, this is your sister's favorite position too' and then try to hold on for 8 seconds!"

Knickerless

Joe is sitting on a train across from abusty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring andinquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves overand is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

Farmer Joe and his Mule

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe."Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

"Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--"

"Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

"Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Driving down a country road a man notices a chicken running along the roadside keeping pace with his car and he's going 40 mph.

He speeds up to 50 and the chicken stays right alongside. He goes up to 60 and the chicken's right there next to him. Suddenly it veers off down a farm road and disappears in a cloud of dust.

Curious, the man follows the road to a farmhouse and sees a flock of chickens in the yard and they all have three legs. A farmer walks out of the barn, sees the motorist and they start talking.

"I've never seen a three legged chicken before."

"I bred 'em myself. My family was always arguin' over who'd get the legs at dinner so I growed some with an extra leg to cut down on the fussin'."

"How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know. I ain't been able to catch one yet."

Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in
dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I
wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home
Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as
you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for
a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start
undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other
one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th,
24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th &
27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of
us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for
$.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just
running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to
be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and
around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

Puns for the educated

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."



2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.



3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."



4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with-- transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.



5. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"



6.. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."



7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."



8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."



9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).



10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

Good stuff to all that have posted here. Thank you all. We have went over the 100,000 reads mark. I hope you keep posting here and that we gain new readers. Everyone is welcome to post their jokes and humor here. Never worry that it might have been posted before. They are fun to read a second or third or more times.
With respect
DG Hear

I don't know why but this one made me laugh. I guess it caught me by surprise.
DG

Affair with a Dentist

Laura fell for her handsome new dentist like a ton of bricks and pretty soon had lured him into a series of passionate encounters in the dental clinic afterhours.

But one day he said sadly, "Laura, honey, we have to stop seeing each other. Your husband's bound to get suspicious."

"No way, sweetie, he's dumb as a post," she assured him.

"Besides, we've been screwing for six months now and he doesn't suspect a thing."

"True," agreed the dentist, "but you're down to one tooth!"

Did ya hear the one about the virgin who wore his condom inside out?
Instead of cumming....he went!

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

A Nun Grading Papers

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

There are four blokes in a prison cell together: a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a gay guy.

The zoophile sighs and says, "You know, if there was a cat here I'd f#*k it ‘til I pass out."

The sadist nods, and sighs, "And once you were done with it, I’d torture it until it died."

The necrophiliac leans in and agrees, "Oh yeah, and once it was dead I'd f#*k it ‘til I passed out too."

The gay guy, sitting in the corner, very softly says "miaow".

Watch your health...

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."

So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.

It was my grandfather...

Out All Night Drinking

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Oral sex...

John asks his grandpa: 'Do you still have sex with Granny?'

Grandpa says: 'Yes, but only Oral'.

John says: 'What is oral?'

Grandpa: 'I say 'F**k you!', and she says: 'F**k you too!' '