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I'm a 31-yr-old man, REALLY struggling to get over a "crush" - Am I being weak?

erotica_n_s

erotica_n_s

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I'm a 31-yr-old man, REALLY struggling to get over a "crush" - Am I being weak?

Yeah... my whole life I've been single, really...

Last year, I met a young woman, she was 23... I worked with her about 2 months...

It was the first time in a very long time that I actually felt this way about anyone...

Got rejected even before I asked her out... mainly 'cause she saw me get humiliated by my boss and several other senior colleagues of mine, and she watched me getting heavily criticised for poor performance at work...

I got bitterly jealous when she turned to another guy for professional guidance (this particular guy is a good-looking, smooth-talking, superficially charming type of guy whom a lot of women seem to like, but I could never stand him... when this particular young woman turned to him for professional guidance, that was the last straw for me... I picked arguments with both of them, gave her the cold shoulder on one occasion, stood around looking silent, cold, and unintentionally, I might have intimidated her with my behaviour... I don't know)...

Now she's no longer talking to me...

I've blown it...

At one point, maybe I had a chance with her, I don't know... But now I DEFINITELY don't have a chance any more... after the disgraceful way I behaved...

She's now moved to a different department... Still works in the same building, but I don't see her very often any more... Occasionally might see her in the canteen, etc. In six months' time, I expect she will be leaving altogether, so after that I expect I'm never going to see her again...

At the moment, I'm still not able to "get over" my feelings for her... I still think she's a really nice person...

I think the thing that really hurts is the fact that I got humiliated in front of her, and the fact that I'm never going to get the chance to earn her respect back... I think that's the most painful part...

There's also the fear that I may "never be able to love again"... now I realise that sounds stupid and melodramatic, but I mean... memory is a funny thing... even though we only worked together for two months, I did have a few happy conversations with her... now those memories are pleasant, but they're also painful - like a constant reminder of what I've blundered away because of my own stupidity... And in a way, I feel like I let her down too, because I remember how, during her first few days in the job, I was one of the first people she worked with, and she looked to me for guidance/advice (because she was fresh out of training at the time, and I had a couple of years of experience, she thought I'd be able to guide her in some way... but for some reason, I went through a really bad time and ended up embarrassing myself). I guess at this point, one of my fears is that those memories will never completely fade away, which may mean that I may never be able to feel such a strong adoration for another woman again... but of course, there's a part of me that doesn't want to let go of the memories...

I don't know... Overall I want to get over this and move on... there's one part of me that says "Be a man and move on", and there's another part of me that says "it's okay for men to have feelings of hurt"... But... is it normal for a 31-year-old guy to feel so hurt about missing his chances with a woman he worked with for about eight weeks?
 
You, in my opinion, are being a guy. Nothing wrong with that, most guys are. Some just hide their fears and insecurities better. Absolutely everyone has them. You will have to weigh what you want. Do you want the painful memory of what you already have? Or do you want to know the answer to, What if?

As you’ve already said, you’ve made a fool out of yourself. There’s really nothing more you can lose by telling her what you just wrote down. It showed a whole lot of what makes you tick and why you did what you did. If you want more from her, my advice would be to print your post out and give it to her. Unless you can actually say all of that to her face to face. If you can do that, that would be better. Sincerity and honesty go a long way.

I have no idea what her reaction would be. She could laugh, cry, hug, love you, or run away screaming. Maybe even a combination of a few dozen other responses. But you would know and could move on. You might gain a friend or a lover or a painful life lesson. But at the very least, she would probably appreciate an apology.

Good luck to you and whatever you decide.
 
luvthedesserts said:
I have no idea what her reaction would be. She could laugh, cry, hug, love you, or run away screaming. Maybe even a combination of a few dozen other responses. But you would know and could move on. You might gain a friend or a lover or a painful life lesson. But at the very least, she would probably appreciate an apology.
Click to expand...

Thanks so much for your reply...

Yeah... I mean... I don't know... it's a bit of a "catch-22" situation at the moment... Should I approach her and say something, which may well make things worse (I might just end up making myself looking even more pathetic and weak)... or should I just leave it [which is what I've done at the moment], although there's a part of me which tells me I owe her an apology...

At the moment, I've decided to wait, and if by some extra-ordinary turn of events we end up working together again any time in the near future, then I might talk to her and apologise... if not, I'll just have to accept that she's never going to respect me the way I respect her... the likelihood is that some time soon she'll completely forget about me...

I don't know... we'll see what happens, I guess...
 
First of all, I'm the last person to be giving advice on this topic. So I'm not going to do that. But I will post a video that was helpful to me. And this guy makes some really good points.

I know that you're not in the 'friend zone,' but what hit me the hardest about the video was the compatibility issue. Watch for elaboration.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGK2KprU-To&list=UU6nSFpj9HTCZ5t-N3Rm3-HA&index=3

Yes M, I did just want to post a vsause video! Damn it, his videos are awesome!
 
erotica_n_s said:
Yeah... my whole life I've been single, really...

Last year, I met a young woman, she was 23... I worked with her about 2 months...

It was the first time in a very long time that I actually felt this way about anyone...

Got rejected even before I asked her out... mainly 'cause she saw me get humiliated by my boss and several other senior colleagues of mine, and she watched me getting heavily criticised for poor performance at work...

I got bitterly jealous when she turned to another guy for professional guidance (this particular guy is a good-looking, smooth-talking, superficially charming type of guy whom a lot of women seem to like, but I could never stand him... when this particular young woman turned to him for professional guidance, that was the last straw for me... I picked arguments with both of them, gave her the cold shoulder on one occasion, stood around looking silent, cold, and unintentionally, I might have intimidated her with my behaviour... I don't know)...

Now she's no longer talking to me...

I've blown it...

At one point, maybe I had a chance with her, I don't know... But now I DEFINITELY don't have a chance any more... after the disgraceful way I behaved...

She's now moved to a different department... Still works in the same building, but I don't see her very often any more... Occasionally might see her in the canteen, etc. In six months' time, I expect she will be leaving altogether, so after that I expect I'm never going to see her again...

At the moment, I'm still not able to "get over" my feelings for her... I still think she's a really nice person...

I think the thing that really hurts is the fact that I got humiliated in front of her, and the fact that I'm never going to get the chance to earn her respect back... I think that's the most painful part...

There's also the fear that I may "never be able to love again"... now I realise that sounds stupid and melodramatic, but I mean... memory is a funny thing... even though we only worked together for two months, I did have a few happy conversations with her... now those memories are pleasant, but they're also painful - like a constant reminder of what I've blundered away because of my own stupidity... And in a way, I feel like I let her down too, because I remember how, during her first few days in the job, I was one of the first people she worked with, and she looked to me for guidance/advice (because she was fresh out of training at the time, and I had a couple of years of experience, she thought I'd be able to guide her in some way... but for some reason, I went through a really bad time and ended up embarrassing myself). I guess at this point, one of my fears is that those memories will never completely fade away, which may mean that I may never be able to feel such a strong adoration for another woman again... but of course, there's a part of me that doesn't want to let go of the memories...

I don't know... Overall I want to get over this and move on... there's one part of me that says "Be a man and move on", and there's another part of me that says "it's okay for men to have feelings of hurt"... But... is it normal for a 31-year-old guy to feel so hurt about missing his chances with a woman he worked with for about eight weeks?
Click to expand...
I personally think that you blew it by your behaviour of giving her (and the guy) the cold shoulder, not by the fact that you were criticised for a poor work performance, because let's face it, everyone was criticised at work at least once. She did not reject you because you did not even ask her out.

However, in this case, I must point out she may not even been aware that you had feelings for her. Honestly, you're building an outrageous scenario with assumed elements. If you gave no indication, and your post suggests that you were 'rejected before you could ask her out' (how does that even work?), then how was she supposed to know that you were interested? And if she didn't know, how was she supposed to reject you?

She turned to this other guy for work-related advice, and you, in my not so humble opinion, blew it way out of proportion. The young lady in question asked the one whom she thought could give her the best help FOR WORK. People are going to ask whom they are most comfortable and/or who can give them the best advice - I can't stand my direct chair, who is extremely handsome, quite charming, brilliant and has money, but I constantly ask him for input because he is the best in his field and in the best position to point out the direction. He wants me to succeed because it reflects well on him, and I want to succeed because I do, so we have a mutual beneficial relationship, and I am often seen in his office. This does not mean I have any affections for him whatsoever. I don't. It's very very possible that a similar situation exists between the young lady and the guy you can't stand. Unless you ask, you will never know.

It doesn't matter if you're 18, 31 or 71. It does not matter if you're male or female. Those are YOUR feelings and you are entitled to them; I honestly get annoyed when I hear that men shouldn't feel this or women shouldn't do this - next you'll ask if it's normal for women to be sexually interested, but I seriously digress. The point is, you can still get hurt when your affections aren't returned. So yes, it's normal. What's not entirely normal is the way you are agonising over hypotheticals and assumptions.

So. It's up to you: you can still get to know the young lady - nothing, except for you, precludes you from having coffee or a pleasant lunch together. You can apologise for the way you behaved, saying that the public criticism hurt you deeply and so you lashed out (and actually, do apologise. NOW. When you see her, walk up to her and apologise - nothing overdrawn or dramatic, but a simple apology is best. The poor girl did nothing to deserve that, and you will come off as being the better man). Or, you can chalk it up what not to do the next time you're interested in someone. Or, you can go wallowing. The choice is yours.

Good luck :).
 
Last edited:
erotica_n_s said:
Thanks so much for your reply...

Yeah... I mean... I don't know... it's a bit of a "catch-22" situation at the moment... Should I approach her and say something, which may well make things worse (I might just end up making myself looking even more pathetic and weak)... or should I just leave it [which is what I've done at the moment], although there's a part of me which tells me I owe her an apology...

At the moment, I've decided to wait, and if by some extra-ordinary turn of events we end up working together again any time in the near future, then I might talk to her and apologise... if not, I'll just have to accept that she's never going to respect me the way I respect her... the likelihood is that some time soon she'll completely forget about me...

I don't know... we'll see what happens, I guess...
Click to expand...

And telling her you were starting to have feelings for her when you were publicly ridiculed is off the table?

That it embarrassed you and you lashed out.

I understand the fear. As I said, you have to weigh the, “What if?” And figure out if not knowing is okay with you. The longer you wait; assuming she is not dating someone at the moment, the more chance you truly will NEVER have a chance with her.

And to your, "we'll see what happens." Nothing. Nothing unless you act. But that is easy for me to say, I'm not in your situation. I truly do feel for you. Good luck.
 
Well.

Now that you fucked that relationship up...on to the next one.

I finally asked a woman out that I had a seriously bad crush on and I totally screwed it up...:rolleyes:

Shit happens.

Onward through the Fog!
 
"I want to apologise for my recent behaviour. I was enjoying your company when we worked together and now I really feel I acted immaturely. I was shaken by the criticism of my performance, especially as it was witnessed by you. Since then I have behaved very badly toward others, especially you. I am sorry."

Make no more of it than that - and don't hang around waiting for a reply - her actions in days ahead will let you know. The aim is to be able to work together amicably.
 
You know what pisses me off almost as much as seeing a woman I know get sucked into the web of one of those superficially good looking, confident speaking, charming men that you know is just going to end with her pissed off?

The small dick syndrome of jealousy, anger & irrational lashing out of chuckleheads who express their attraction to someone by being a douchebag.

You (again, no doubt) fucked up that relationship, suck it up buttercup and move on to the next one. Only the next time try to be cognizant of what your precious emotions are doing BEFORE you express them like a douchebag.
 
erotica_n_s said:
I think the thing that really hurts is the fact that I got humiliated in front of her.
Click to expand...

This part is the answer to what's happening to you. Typical reaction for anyone really. You were attracted to her, you got burned in front and your ego can't take it.

The rest of what you did wouldn't be so bad if she was interested, or if you could get over yourself - lots of couples come together after an initial bout of animosity or foolish behaviour.

The reason you can't get over her is because you've made her the goal you need to reach so you can get your manhood back.

Recognize/accept that you likely weren't a great fit - she's obviously looking for a different type of man, and move on...hopefully to a situation that doesn't have you looking less than desirable. (work ethic is sexy)
 
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