Missouribiguy
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2005
- Posts
- 2,468
Ok, thought you were asking for opinions. I guess you are all set.
Eh, I still wanted to get other people's opinion more than anything.
Follow along with the video below to see how to install our site as a web app on your home screen.
Note: This feature may not be available in some browsers.
Ok, thought you were asking for opinions. I guess you are all set.
Also be prepared to talk intelligently about bisexuality in general. It takes even the most open-minded people a while to understand it and many just never get it. For example, despite decades of physical and emotional evidence to the contrary, my ex-wife is now simply convinced that I was gay the entire time.
Eh, I still wanted to get other people's opinion more than anything.
I disagree, I rather be honest to her or him about myself than try to pretend to be straight or gay.
I'm sorry, but I agree with gayTopher. This isn't about pretend. Rather, this is about whether you are looking for a priest/confessor or a wife/girlfriend.
I know this isn't for pretend. However, I feel you are twisting my words and beliefs around. I don't need a priest/confessor in my girlfriend or wife.
In 12-step, they have a saying on one of the steps. Make amends except where to do so would harm another person.
There is an element of getting something off your chest, but note that the other side of the coin is that you then put the burden of acceptance on the other person. Make her the one to "approve" things that maybe you yourself aren't even completely comfortable with.
They're is potentional that I might fuck up the relastionship. I admit and see this fully. However, I have talked with married bisexual men in the past who have cheated behind their wives back. I don't want to be one of these guys, and I rather tell her upfront about it then me being like them. Does that mean I want her to give me a open pass to go sleep with another man, no. I just want to be honest with her about it.
I'll give other examples. Lets say there was a time in your life that you crossed boundaries that society frowns on. For instance, had sex with a minor, had sex with an animal, used a date rape drug, beat someone up, stole some money, was in active military combat and actually killed someone(s) up close and personal, etc. Maybe you made peace with it, maybe you didn't. If you really put this behind you, and it isn't going to be exposed again, then why are you burdening a potential love one with all YOUR "dirty laundry"? In essence, you are asking her to also deal with your issues. Why? Is it test of love you are giving her? A true lover has no boundaries of tolerance?
Last time I checked and mentioned several times, I AM A VIRGIN! Nor have I committed violence on anybody. As for airing my dirty laundry to her, I want her to know. I want to be honest with her, and not hold it in. I am afraid that if I do hold it in, I could wind up like those married guys I have mentioned above. To me, being honest works better than holding stuff in. My own personal reason is because I saw my parents' marriage (and relationship) crumble before my eyes. So, yes, I am doing this for no other reason but to be honest.
What you have done in the past, is between you, those participants in the past, and if you are religious then also the God of your understanding. Don't make her bear your burdens.
What burdens? It's all about honesty, not burdens.
Now on the other hand, if this is something that is going to affect you in your future relationship, then yes, you better tell you. If every time you go out, you are going to be scoping out guys (or for that matter other girls), maybe you better tell. If you plan on stepping out of the relationship (another man or another woman) she has a right to know. Even if you plan on using condoms and giving fake names, it still could come back to haunt you. Someone trick could threaten you; you could bring home crabs; someone you know could catch you; etc.
There is always going to be temptation whenever I go. That's why I want to be upfront with her. Remember, I want to be honest about my feelings.
If what you are in essence is looking for in life is to have sex with whomever/whenever/whereever you wish, I would say either enjoy your singleness or look for an emotional partner in the swinger crowd. Perhaps even ask yourself why you are wanting to be tied down emotionally to someone else, if your body is still craving so much variety? Are you doing it for appearances in a rural/less-urban area? If so, I don't think that is a good reason to find a partner. If you think having a partner cures loneliness, think again. It doesn't. You have to seek the cure within yourself.
Being judgement much! Dude, I am single! I'm just asking this cause if I want to be in a relationship, I was seeing how it would work.
Missouribiguy said:Being judgement much! Dude, I am single! I'm just asking this cause if I want to be in a relationship, I was seeing how it would work.
Where am I being judgmental? Everything I said was in the form of "if" you are doing it for this. Or in the question form "are" you doing this because
However, I will say that I'm concerned that you are doing this to put the burden of your own desires on her. You say you don't want to end up like the married guys who lie and cheat on the side. Ok, you tell her your bi. Then what is her question going to be? What if she says: "What does that mean? Do you want guys on the side, girls on the side, both on the side, or just an appreciation of both body types, but that you will be faithful?"
Ok, so lets say that 20 years later (when you are my age) the gay part of the urge is SO strong. What then? Just because you told her 20 years earlier, doesn't mean that if you act out on it then that it won't hurt if she finds out (either because you honestly tell her you cannot keep it to just fantasy anymore or because she unfortunately finds out ).
Before you go spilling your guts about yourself to a potential partner, perhaps you need to figure out what you truly want. Do you really know at this point? If deep down inside you eventually want multiple partners, then THAT is what you need to figure out how to achieve and be honest about. If you want ONE partner, then you need to find out if you can live up to that.
Lets say you were 100% straight, but you had a fetish for blond, tall, small breasted slender women. However, the woman who complemented everything you represent on the inside was dark haired, average height, curvy, and big breasted. If you find yourself falling in love with her, wouldn't you hold back and first figure without within yourself if she would be enough for you? As to telling her, what is she supposed to do with the information you could give her about your ideal?
1) Walk away?
2) Accept the fact that some point in the future you may stray?
3) Have her constantly wonder if she is inadequate unless she modifies herself to be your ideal?
Realize that I don't self-identify as bi for a few reasons. First of all, I see bi's falling into 3 groups:
1) The people that use the term as a way to have whatever kind of sex gets them off.
2) The people that are gay, but cannot deal with defining themselves that far off the norm.
3) People who are truly able to love someone regardless of gender.
Many gays think most bi's or all bi's are in group #2. I think that is naive. I admit that I haven't known many in the third camp, but they are the ones I have the most respect for. I would like to say I was in the third camp, but I would be lying to say I don't lean more for the need of a man's love.
I will say that years ago I was heavily into 12-step for sex addiction. I fell for someone and told him everything. I did it because I thought that must be the honest to goodness thing to do. I told him about every temptation, every flaw, etc. I didn't think it would ever back fire. He took everything stoically. Just so you know, the only time I crossed any line, was a the very beginning. I thought my life had come to an end as he had in my mind been perfect. It isnt' too often that you meet a 48 year old gay virgin. So I told him and he didn't hold it against me. I never let myself cross that line again. However, I was always bombarded by temptation. (I think a lot of it was hormones in my mid-30's, a history of sexual addiction, and the fact that he wasn't very good at all in bed. I'm not making excuses, just expressing the demons that I dealt with.) He seemed so understanding. Then two years into it, he opened up and said he had never loved me. I was devastated. I had spent so much time being so honest, that he was almost like a secretary of my diary a role that he accepted, that it backfired. He hadn't. Now you could think that had he been as brutally honest from the start, that everything would have been fine. I doubt it. I had surrendered my own identity by telling it all, and he had built a wall to protect his. It would have been better to have been somewhat in between. In all honest, the relationship was doomed because he really didn't know what he wanted.
So before you do anything, you really need to look inside and figure yourself out. Sure you don't have a crystal ball, but you've lived in your own skin for 31 years. Odds are you have a good idea of the person you are and will become. You just have to own that knowledge.
Missouribiguy said:What if she didn't approve my bisexuality twenty years earlier, but stayed with me regardless under a false view that she could convert me to the "straight" life. I mean, even if you denied those feelings, you will still have those urges. The married men in the past have had sex because of this issue, they gave into their urges.
Missouribiguy said:Do we ever truly know what we want? Yes, I wouldn't mind soaking some wild oats before I settle down. I mean, I am 31 years of age, and not getting any younger. Add to that I am also a virgin, and sexual thoughts are magnified.
Missouribiguy said:Again, to me, it depends how I connect with the person emotionally. As you suggest, she might walk away. She probably wouldn't agree of a future that I could stray and have a affair. If I like her personality and we get along, and I find her attractive, why would it matter what she looks like?
...Um, ok. Now, you threw me off. we all have those quirks I guess. I still don't know why you brought this up though. Unless you are trying to point out something about sexual attraction or something.
Sexual addiction isn't like being born with 10 toes. Even sex addicts run the gamut. If there is some transference, it is NOT about sex addiction, but about expectations that your potential partner needs to inspect and/or carry all your luggage.[/QUOTE]Missouribiguy said:Ah, you were a sex addict, that explains everything.......... Ok, now I am being judgemental. However, it sounds like you are transferring your own past demons onto me. But, I also feel that we aren't that different, but have different views.
Missouribiguy said:I will be honest, with your statments and my own feelings of late, I am ASHAMED in being bisexual. Part of this isn't because society norms. No one expects me to have kids or anything.
Currently, this is how I define myself. I am a kind hearted young man, but I am very stressed out. I have little to no private life, I have no car, nor do I have local friends. My parents have had me tested since I was a kid to see if I was/am mentally retarded and can even live on my own. I work at a dead end job with dreams of doing something better, but I know that most of those are a pipedream.
Now, I have to be tested again to see if I am mentally retarded again, my job (a nursing home) are making some new rules that make no sense, my mother has MS and will evnetually have to be put in a home. She still loves my dad who moved out on her and slept with a ex-best friend of hers.
So, no, I have no idea what type of person I will be, because to me, I have no future. Actually, no, I take that back, I am a fucking manchild. That's all that I will amount to anyway.
Hell, I won't have a girlfriend or even boyfriend. With the way my life is, I will be a unemployed homeless guy with no future, and dying on the street only eating scraps.
Or so this is the future that people precieve me having. As I said, I inspired to be more than that. I do believe in hope, even through my hardships.
Missouribiguy said:With that said, I'm sorry that one boyfriend of yours never loved you. However, let me ask, are you currently in a relationship? If so, are you honest with your partner or do you keep you sexuality secret from them.
So far, the only two (or three) people who have told me not to tell her that I am bisexual is you, Kevinkox, and gayTropher.
SOOOOOOO, Did you tell her yet?
none2_none2,
Ok, let me ask you a question. What if I don't tell her that I am bisexual, and I do sleep behind her back, and she found out? Wouldn't that be more of a burden to her than if I had told her in the first place and didn't have sex with a man?
So, the answer is that I am basically damn if I do and damn if I don't.
As for me not understanding the lifestyle, I wouldn't mind having a open relationship, which she doesn't mind me having a boyfriend on the side. However, I've been told that I am essentially living a pipedream by that guy I have mentioned before.
I don't want to live the "straight" lifestyle because I know I am not straight. What straight guy thinks about sucking dick and taking it up the ass or vice versa. Hell, I'm not against having a boyfriend.
I guess it just depends on the girl that I date and fall in love with. If she open about sex and not gay people, than yeah, I would tell her. If she's the opposite, then no, I would never tell her.
I said that if I was attractive to her and our personalities don't class. I mean, I rather be in love with a girl who I get along with than one I don't.
My shame for being bisexual is because I know I won't be able to choose, and therefore, it could leave me to cheat. I think it would be easier to be just a straight man because I would at least know what's in my heart.
Ok, that's bullshit, no one really knows what's in their hearts unless they already know. Personally, I think being in a relationship would be a good and bad thing for me. Good because I would have someone I care about be with me, and bad because I have these feelings that might never be satisfy.
To me, this is probably why other men cheat. Not saying this is a excuse or anything, but I understand that feeling.
hmmm, I should reliterate and say that I have a learning disability, but might have mild to low mental retardation. This is because I was born with this birth defect called Cat Eye Syndrome. This article from Wikipedia explains it a bit better http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cat_eye_syndrome.
However, I should state that I don't have all those traits (I do have a anus for one). When I was younger, my parents thought I had autism, but it was more because of the CES. The good news is I am always progressing and never regressing. But, i have always been a few years behind my peers.
Hmmm, sometimes I wonder if I am bi-polar at times, but I think it's mostly stress.
I wouldn't jump off the cliff, and I am happy that people do disagree with some of my ideas. I just don't know....
If you honestly think one person will never be enough, then I think it is more important to seek out someone who is open to an open relationship than the bisexual nature you have. The key to everything I'm saying is to know yourself. From the moment we leave our mother's wombs to the moment we die, we really area alone. We may be luckily enough along the way to have people who love us in between time, but still we are alone as no one can actually your universe that goes inside your head. While you may not be able to predict your actions 20 years from now, you should know your "template" -- meaning basically how you behave and react.
Case in point, I despise the smell of coffee. I always have and always will. It doesn't matter how it is brewed, who brews it, etc. I just never did. I had no childhood trauma, so all the counseling in the world won't change that. Now my partner loves the crap. When we moved to the farm, I had to compromise. I let him make it in the kitchen. Because I love him I had to make some accommodations. That didn't change my nature or his, but was a way of tolerating each other's differences.
Another part of my nature is that I can stew about things forever and that if I verbalized everything I was thinking at the very moment I am capable of saying things that would be very hurtful and that I could never take back. If I just hold back, I can get past those thoughts and not hurt someone I care about. I struggle with this on a daily basis when something is troubling me.
I still don't get the shame of bisexuality because you say you didn't choose it. I cannot imagine anybody being born with attraction to only one person on this earth. What difference does it make that in a relationship you may be attracted to someone else of the same sex, opposite sex, or both? Those are still temptations that you have to deal with. What if you were attracted to young people? What would happen as your partner grows older, do you spill your guts so that she knows 20 years down the line you may cheat on her with some young girl? Will knowing that make her feel better? Again, you need to know yourself and your limitations...
Opps, got to go. Mr coffee drinker is peculating his crud, and I need to see if I can get some more zzzz's. I have a lot of insomnia issues and right now a lot of left shoulder, neck issues. So I get up cause I toss & turn too much and don't want to bother him. I hate it as my favorite time with him is the few hours I can sleep next to him.
Hey all,
I wonder what you all think of this? I am currently single, but I am looking for a girlfriend. However, I am a bi-sexual guy, and I do think about having sex with men.
Anyway, I decided to ask if you think that if I should tell her that I am bisexual and when should I do it?
I don't want to do it when we first start going out, but I would like to tell her before we get more serious.
And no, this isn't about if she lets me do it with a guy or not. It's more of a trust issue type of thing for me.
Hey all,
I wonder what you all think of this? I am currently single, but I am looking for a girlfriend. However, I am a bi-sexual guy, and I do think about having sex with men.
Anyway, I decided to ask if you think that if I should tell her that I am bisexual and when should I do it?
I don't want to do it when we first start going out, but I would like to tell her before we get more serious.
And no, this isn't about if she lets me do it with a guy or not. It's more of a trust issue type of thing for me.
Tell her. Absolutely no question. She has to to trust you after all.
Ok, I decided to revised this thread again, because I am troubled about something.
Since many people have brought this up, what should I do if I tell her and everything goes to shit afterwards? Even if I try to tell her that I would never cheat on her or anything of that nature (unless if's a decision between me and her about having a sexual encounter with the same sex), how would I know she would even trust me? Or how can I trust her for her not to blab it out to her friends/family?
I mean, I know the main reasons I want to tell her that I am bisexual is to let my future girlfriend/wife know it. I want her to know because I feel she should, at the very least, know this side of me, even if I don't ever have sex with another man. It's more a honesty thing to me than even a sexual type of thing.
wow. Over two years later and you are still struggling with this issue. I feel for you because it is using up too much of your emotional energy I think. I am also guessing that you have made up your mind on what you WANT to do but lack the courage to act on it. If you are in fact bi sexual and this is not just a prolonged fantasy, what choice do you really have? You can tell her (present or future) and be who you really are, or..........you can keep this locked away inside of you and slowly go nuts. So again I ask, what choice do you really have? You have struggled with this issue for over two years. Put this to bed and start enjoying your life free of the inner burden that you have been carrying around for some time now. I kinda know what I am talking about if ya know what I mean.
Yeah I'll echo the "wow."
You're worried and hypothesizing about something that hasn't even happened.
You've been given some advice in this thread, after soliciting opinions. Pick and choose what will work for you, but jeez man get out and live your life. BF/GF - tell her/him//don't tell her/him whatever you want - but do something already!
Best and seriously I hope you work it out in your mind, but in the meantime get out and live your life!