Humor Thread

A teacher brings some rolls of Life Savers candy to her Kindergarten class with the intent of helping the children associate flavour with color.

She passed the rolls around to the kids and they got them correct...
Red...Cherry
Green...Lime
Yellow...Lemon
Purple...Grape

When she got to the honey flavoured ones her kids had trouble identifying the flavour so she gave them a hint...
"Its something your Mom might call your Dad..."

A little girl at the back spits out her candy and screams..."Eeeewwwww they're Ass-Holes!!!!!"

Lies Lovers Tell ...

The Lie: We are just friends
The Truth: Try as I might, this person just won't get into bed with me - yet

The Lie: I worry about your health
The Truth: If you think I am going to push you around in a wheelchair when you've got emphysema, you've got another think coming

The Lie: I have never faked an orgasm
The Truth: If you believe that, you'll believe anything

The Lie: I like you as a friend
The Truth: One step closer and I'll punch you on the nose

The Lie: I want you to be successful
The Truth: Can you seriously see me living as a pauper until my inheritance comes through?

The Lie: Of course you aren't fat
The Truth: Pick up two more kgs and I'll hit the road

The Lie: I'm not ready for a relationship
The Truth: Not with you anyway, not now or ever

The Lie: I have only had sex with one other person
The Truth: I am not counting colleagues or one-night-stands

The Lie: What's mine is yours
The Truth: Touch my hi-fi or video recorder and you're dead. Good job you don't know about my shares

The Lie: I'll love you forever
The Truth: You are actually the third person I've said this to, but you know how these things go

The Lie: I have to go out of town on business
The Truth: The tall, dark and handsome guy from accounts is coming too.

The Lie: I can't make it tonight - I have family commitments
The Truth: An old girlfriend/boyfriend is in town and I am having dinner at the hotel

The Lie: I need space
The Truth: I have met someone else

The Lie: I love you when you wash the dishes
The Truth: This one is true - I will also tell you how much I love you when you fetch the kids, even though it is my turn.

The Lie: Of course I care about your parents
The Truth: I just don't like to spend time with them

The Lie: I'm not good enough for you - you deserve someone better
The Truth: Actually I deserve someone better

The Lie: It's not a problem at all, I understand
The Truth: If you ever make me wait half an hour in the boiling sun for you again, I'll give you up for medical experiments

The Lie: That outfit looks lovely
The Truth: You look like Goofy, but we are already half an hour late

The Lie: Of course I want to go shopping with you
The Truth: What's in it for me?

The Lie: I'm working late, but remember I'm doing it for us
The Truth: I was the first one to manage to get a date with the new marketing manager

The Lie: I'm not going to ask you again to pick up your underwear from the bathroom floor
The Truth: I'll probably have to ask you another twelve thousand times

The Lie: My cellphone was switched off last night, because I went to bed early
The Truth: I was not alone

The Lie: Of course he/she is not as attractive as you are
The Truth: I can feel my nose growing longer

The Lie: I love you just the way you are
The Truth: What choice do I have anyway?

The Lie: Sorry I didn't wait up for you
The Truth: I sat in the dark in the sitting room and quickly ran to bed when I heard your car stopping

Mac Dpnolds forgets how to spell ??


Yep, one of these is not like the other, one of these just doesn't belong. In this case it would be the banner spelled "MoDonald's" instead of "McDonald's" hanging from the newly-refurbished location on Broadway in Manhattan. We couldn't help but snap a few photos to share with friends (both internet and those that exist in real life) in hopes of finding a better explanation than "they screwed up."

Link to pix.

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A blonde city girl marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

John Black, defeated Member of Parliament for Midshire West, has a few words of advice for his successor.

Dear Justin

You mentioned at the count last Thursday that you would appreciate it if I would pass on to you any unfinished casework so that you could get going on helping your new constituents straight away.

Most of the cases are self-explanatory but I hope you will find the background information on the following helpful.

I believe you met Mrs Osborne (43 Cleve Close) during the campaign.

She rang to tell me that you were a nice young man and that, since I had done nothing for her, she would be voting for you.

I have shredded everything before 2005; (the help with a hip replacement; £12,000 compensation from her bank and the resolution of a disagreement with the stair lift installers) and left only the ongoing issues.

If the new government extends pension credits, as she tells me it will, I am sure you will be able to get one for her.

If not, you may be more successful than I in convincing her that, with rental income from four houses, plus a holiday villa in Spain, she is not among the poorer pensioners the credits were intended to help.

Mr Harman (27 Crocombe Crescent) may be more difficult. He wants to know the whereabouts of his wife's mother, who owes him £57.

She emigrated to the US in 1984 and Mrs Harman says she died there in 1990 (and that they all went to her funeral).

I am glad to say that when Mr Harman wrote to the Speaker, the prime minister and the Queen to complain about my negligence in not accompanying him to the US to help him search, no action against me was thought appropriate. The £57 debt, however, is still causing him concern which he will want to share with you.

I know you have taken a strong stand against anti-social behaviour, so will be anxious to help Mrs Clegg (113 Dulverton Drive) who complains (often) about noise from her upstairs neighbour, Mr Brown.

He has laid thick carpet and listens to his music on headphones but he does walk around his flat on occasions, flushes the toilet when necessary and opens and closes his front door when he goes out to work. Mrs Clegg believes the council's noise monitoring equipment is faulty.

I expect Mr Clarke (12 Watchet Walk) will have been in touch already. I was successful in persuading his car manufacturer to install a new camshaft free of charge, despite the car being out of guarantee, but failed to get the change in the law that he wanted (manufacturers being obliged to replace all camshafts every two years free of charge).

All the other legislation he believes necessary is listed in a separate section and if you get the chance to propose a Private Member's Bill, it will be a rich source of ideas for you.

Briefly, (as the van to collect my files has just arrived) we have:

1. Mrs Cameron - upstairs neighbour spies at her through holes in the floor, which have not been found, despite careful searching. However, Mrs Cameron (and her budgie) can both see the neighbour's eyeball.

2. Mr May (57) wants visa for his wife (22).

UK authorities reluctant because neither speaks the other's language and they have met only once for the wedding.

3. Mrs Johnson son wrongly imprisoned for attacking a shop-keeper. Though "no angel", Jason was "only playing" and the CCTV footage of him hitting the man over the head with a baseball bat must be a fake as Jason does not play baseball.

No more time now, I'm off to the travel agent to book a trip to Australia to visit my son and grandchildren. I shall, of course, be very interested to hear of your success in solving all the problems which I, so dismally, failed to do.

Yours sincerely

John Black (former MP)

(As dictated to Rosemary Chamberlin).

Note from Og: This is a fictional account from a newspaper columnist but almost every UK Member of Parliament (and US politician) will recognise the demanding voters...

As I do.

Healing the Sick

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."

French Computers

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."

"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.

So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Jealous Revenge

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

Grass Sandwich

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance.

While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss".

She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich".

She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

How to Know where a Driver is from

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:California

With gun in lap:L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:West Virginia male.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"

Wedding anniversary

A man was talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?"

He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii."

The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?"

He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back."

I've got a discharge...

A girl tells her Doctor: I've got a discharge.

Dr: Drop ur knickers.

He fingers her & says how's it feel?

Girl: Very nice, but the discharge is in my ear

Upper crust Lady: "Here in the Home Counties, we place a lot of emphasis on good breeding."

New Moneyed lady: "Up here in the Midlands we think it's a lot of fun, too, but we also try to pursue other interests as well."

Obama at the bat!

DG Hear said:

How to Know where a Driver is from : 2

Click to expand...

One Hand on wheel, Foot to the Floor and a very determined expression. London Orbital ring road

No hands on wheel, reading the newspaper and very loud reggae music:
Wolverhampton.

It may be that there is a good reason for golf, after all.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8z0hyIx3fE

Just taking a few minutes tho thank you all for posting on the thread. Some really cute stuff.
DG

DG Hear said:

I've got a discharge...

A girl tells her Doctor: I've got a discharge.

Dr: Drop ur knickers.

He fingers her & says how's it feel?

Girl: Very nice, but the discharge is in my ear

Click to expand...

Speaking of discharge from her ears..
how about this husband reassuring his woman who is worried about his discharge INTO her ears..
Husband : Let's try something different, let me do it in your ear.
Wife : What if it makes me go deaf?
Husband : Did it make you dumb, yet?

Barbie turns 50!

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident..

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but
before she could say 'Fuck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room.

THINGS TO PONDER

1. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

2. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

3. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

4. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

5. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

6. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

7. Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

8. I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

9. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

10. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

11. I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use Language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

12. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

13. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

14. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.

15. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket"? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

16. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

17. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh no ..I could be eating a slow learner."

Jeff the Bellboy

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator.

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."

The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."

"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."

Clever Doggie

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.

So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button.

Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.

The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"