Curious about cuckolding

I'm typing this because I'm curious. I'm a live and let live type of guy: put nails through your foreskin, be in chastity for your entire life, crossdress, eat shit, etc. While personally some fetishes completely gross me out, I'm okay with all of them--except one. Cuckolding (there are four others, but we're not getting into those now). I'm fine with most every fetish, no matter how bad it seems to me, as long as it is between two people in a relationship. This is because there is still love between the husband and wife no matter what they do to each other: "I am turned on because the one I love and myself are doing *insert fetish here.* This does not work with cuckolding. Cuckolding is the display of a complete and utter lack of respect and love for one's spouse. "I am turned on because the one I love does not love me or respect me." This does not make sense. I will only say this about Cuckolding and the fetishes I mentioned before, not about any other fetish out there: There is something very, very wrong with anyone who claims to enjoy it. Either there is something wrong with their head, or they are deeply deceiving themselves into believing that they like it. Like I said, I'm curious. Point out the flaw in my logic. Take me into the mind of one who claims to enjoy cuckolding. I assume it's some sort of inferiority complex.

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Haven't got time to get into it right now, but as a starting point I'd say anything that involves strong emotions can be sexy. Couple that with an empowered sexy woman and the thrill of the forbidden you get a heady mix.

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Cuckolding does not have to involve lack of love and respect. That is just the way it is portrayed. Even then it is often analogous to BDSM where appearances notwithstanding all parties are enjoying a good spanking. Personally I don't enjoy humiliating a man and practice this lifestyle more as a sort of one way polyamory - I still very much enjoy my husband as a lover.

If you accept that premise it is really a matter of wrapping your head around a non-exclusive female partner. Most guys get stuck on this if they are not also free to be with other women. But that is based upon the premise he wants other women, can get other women and fairness equals sameness. None of those things is automatically true. Exclusivity is something we are taught to expect not a fundamental truth - women in various cultures have accepted non-exclusive males for many centuries.

So why the unequal treatment? Simple. I am able to please my man on my own. The opposite is not true - not just of him but of any man. I get that he may still want variety so I facilitate that. But when he is free to pursue other women it causes extensive angst and negativity as he tries (and fails) to compete with my ability to attract and please the opposite sex. That has more to do with the nature of men than anything special about me. Meanwhile extremely few women want to be part of our unusual dynamic or if they are it ends badly.

The women with whom I can arrange sexual experiences for him are much like me. They are sexually active but insist on controlling their own activities - a married man on the make and competing with his wife does not behave himself and that makes them uncomfortable - not with the sex but with his own emotional struggles. If the set up is via me they maintain the required control of their circumstances - contrary to portrayal sluts being sex positive has nothing to do with ceding control to men (that is just the way you guys portray it and why we are so hesitant).

Not cuckolding.

If both of you are having sex with other people, it isn't cuckolding. It just means that you are a married couple who are bored with each other so you're both seeking other partners (still shows a lack of love and respect imo, but since it's not cuckolding that's not relevant now). Cuckolding is when the woman has sex with other men, in most cases never with her husband, and the husband is not with any other women.

People who deeply and truly love each other are enough for each other--more than enough. Their desires for each other are so strong that they don't need to have sex with other people to feel complete. So a woman who goes out to have sex with other guys--and not even try to hide it from her husband when she knows it will devastate him--does not truly love or respect her husband. And on the other side, no man can love a woman who does not respect him and is dissatisfied with him. So I still stand by my original statements about cuckolding. Try again?

thepeopleschamp said:

If both of you are having sex with other people, it isn't cuckolding. It just means that you are a married couple who are bored with each other so you're both seeking other partners (still shows a lack of love and respect imo, but since it's not cuckolding that's not relevant now). Cuckolding is when the woman has sex with other men, in most cases never with her husband, and the husband is not with any other women.

People who deeply and truly love each other are enough for each other--more than enough. Their desires for each other are so strong that they don't need to have sex with other people to feel complete. So a woman who goes out to have sex with other guys--and not even try to hide it from her husband when she knows it will devastate him--does not truly love or respect her husband. And on the other side, no man can love a woman who does not respect him and is dissatisfied with him. So I still stand by my original statements about cuckolding. Try again?

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Dude - this isn't an argument with right and wrong. Some people dig it, many don't. Also - any argument that uses absolute statements is questionable.

thepeopleschamp said:

If both of you are having sex with other people, it isn't cuckolding. It just means that you are a married couple who are bored with each other so you're both seeking other partners (still shows a lack of love and respect imo, but since it's not cuckolding that's not relevant now). Cuckolding is when the woman has sex with other men, in most cases never with her husband, and the husband is not with any other women.

People who deeply and truly love each other are enough for each other--more than enough. Their desires for each other are so strong that they don't need to have sex with other people to feel complete. So a woman who goes out to have sex with other guys--and not even try to hide it from her husband when she knows it will devastate him--does not truly love or respect her husband. And on the other side, no man can love a woman who does not respect him and is dissatisfied with him. So I still stand by my original statements about cuckolding. Try again?

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There is nothing to try darling. You asked for perspective and I gave you one.

It is not a universal truth that two people who deeply and truly love each other are sexually enough for each other. Many people feel that way and I respect that perspective. But we are talking about personal emotions - no matter how rare and outside the norm it is to feel otherwise that perspective is still valid. Individual emotions aren't dictated by majority rule. No matter how strongly and earnestly you hold those values doesn't make it a fact for anyone other than you.

As for the definition of "cuckold" there are many threads on here parsing the definition of various words and synonyms and it is a bit of a no win debate. We are what we are whether the term fits perfectly is kind of beside the point. Most dictionaries define cuckolding based upon a cheating woman without regard for whether the man is cheating or not. A degree of deceit and humiliation is implied but that is based in an era where a woman having sex with other men is by definition wrong and socially unacceptable such that the humiliation derives from society's opinion of the husband not his own view of himself. Beyond those centuries old definitions the word has taken on new meanings in the last couple decades as it has entered the pantheon of sexual fetish.

All relationships have various points of dissatisfaction. Whether those areas are critical to a good relationship lies in the eye of the beholder. Women don't put as much emphasis on sex as men so we are able to have productive relationships without sex being at the centre of it. But if you think about how many men who are prepared to admit that they aren't a sexual superstar (none) and how many really are (only a few) it is self-evident that lots of women do have sub-par sexual relationships. The same goes for men at times. That is life. I know of no long-term relationships where something isn't unsatisfactory at times - whether the implications of that dissatisfaction are fatal is a function of the individuals involved and their view of the degree and importance of the dissatisfaction.

I agree that any person who does anything knowing it will devastate their partner does not have adequate love and respect for their partner. But you are positing a self-fulfilling argument by stating an opinion (about how the husband feels) and assuming it to be universal fact. It isn't. I recognize that it is highly unusual but not all guys feel this way - most do but not every male on earth feels this way.

Actually I have a hard time imagining the fetish in the sense of being regarded as an inadequate partner and being regularly disrespected and mistreated (although an inferiority complex can manifest itself in many ways - just look at the number of women in horrid relationships). The men I know in this lifestyle are strong mentally and often very good lovers - they come from a place of security where they don't need to tell themselves the lies that most men tell themselves. They don't view women as their property, don't hold monogamous values and don't fool themselves into believing that one person can be the sexual be all and end all to their partner for the rest of time. Where there is an imbalance between the man's outside activities and the woman's it is driven by personal need, desire and circumstance - not a need to mistreat or humiliate.

As an aside I think the titillation for a lot of guys comes from the awareness of a woman truly interested in sex. So much of our societal context has women being reluctant participants with ulterior motives.

Most men can relate to being in love with a woman but still being attracted to other women. Lots of women feel the same way - we can't say so because to do so will elicit jealousy, social ostracizing and possibly violence, but it is still there.

thepeopleschamp said:

I'm typing this because I'm curious. I'm a live and let live type of guy: put nails through your foreskin, be in chastity for your entire life, crossdress, eat shit, etc. While personally some fetishes completely gross me out, I'm okay with all of them--except one. Cuckolding (there are four others, but we're not getting into those now). I'm fine with most every fetish, no matter how bad it seems to me, as long as it is between two people in a relationship. This is because there is still love between the husband and wife no matter what they do to each other: "I am turned on because the one I love and myself are doing *insert fetish here.* This does not work with cuckolding. Cuckolding is the display of a complete and utter lack of respect and love for one's spouse. "I am turned on because the one I love does not love me or respect me." This does not make sense. I will only say this about Cuckolding and the fetishes I mentioned before, not about any other fetish out there: There is something very, very wrong with anyone who claims to enjoy it. Either there is something wrong with their head, or they are deeply deceiving themselves into believing that they like it. Like I said, I'm curious. Point out the flaw in my logic. Take me into the mind of one who claims to enjoy cuckolding. I assume it's some sort of inferiority complex.

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It may be an inferiority complex but not necessarily. The "flaw" in your logic is the assumption that the act of being with another man represents "a complete and utter lack of respect." For people in the lifestyle this is not the case. Your baseline assumption is rooted in a male dominated world that continues to struggle to define women rather than accepting us for who we are. In many societies men step out on their wives all the time for various reasons - it is barely veiled and the wife is not showered with derision if it comes to light (she is more likely to get sympathy). The inability to conceive of the opposite is rooted in male myths about themselves (found in locker's and men only clubs) not a real understanding of women.

What is your take on why so relatively few women are into this?

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I'm getting vibes that the both of y'all are assuming me to be a sexist. I am not. Whether it be the man or the woman, I don't condone sex with someone other than one's spouse (unless it's 2 singles hooking up). It's just that cuckolding is usually spoken of as a woman having sex with men other than their spouse. I don't know if the term 'cuckolding' applies to a man doing the same to his wife, but either way I feel the same way about it.

Anyway, if I'm understanding correctly, the TL;DR of what the both of you are saying is that sex with other people after one is married does not equate to a lack of respect or love. That is the point of disagreement. See, there isn't a such thing as a strictly sexual relationship with humans. Sex is an extremely intimate and emotional thing, it isn't completely about physical pleasure. The truth is that when you have sex with someone, you give up a part of yourself to that person, and them to you. Whether it be weakly or strongly, you are bonded to that person. How, when someone gives a part of his or her self to someone who isn't their spouse, can they claim to respect the relationship? How, when a person becomes emotionally bonded to others in the most intimate way, can they claim that they truly love their spouse?

(Please do not call me darling).

And that's probably why so few women are into it, because they are more emotional beings than men, and they are more in tune with the fact that sex is never unemotional.

thepeopleschamp said:

I'm getting vibes that the both of y'all are assuming me to be a sexist. I am not. Whether it be the man or the woman, I don't condone sex with someone other than one's spouse (unless it's 2 singles hooking up). It's just that cuckolding is usually spoken of as a woman having sex with men other than their spouse. I don't know if the term 'cuckolding' applies to a man doing the same to his wife, but either way I feel the same way about it.

Anyway, if I'm understanding correctly, the TL;DR of what the both of you are saying is that sex with other people after one is married does not equate to a lack of respect or love. That is the point of disagreement. See, there isn't a such thing as a strictly sexual relationship with humans. Sex is an extremely intimate and emotional thing, it isn't completely about physical pleasure. The truth is that when you have sex with someone, you give up a part of yourself to that person, and them to you. Whether it be weakly or strongly, you are bonded to that person. How, when someone gives a part of his or her self to someone who isn't their spouse, can they claim to respect the relationship? How, when a person becomes emotionally bonded to others in the most intimate way, can they claim that they truly love their spouse?

(Please do not call me darling).

And that's probably why so few women are into it, because they are more emotional beings than men, and they are more in tune with the fact that sex is never unemotional.

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You do not know a thing about women. If I was to generalize, I would say women are better than men at keeping sex compartmentalized if need be. FWBs fail far more often because the man catches feelings than the woman.

thepeopleschamp said:

I'm getting vibes that the both of y'all are assuming me to be a sexist. I am not. Whether it be the man or the woman, I don't condone sex with someone other than one's spouse (unless it's 2 singles hooking up). It's just that cuckolding is usually spoken of as a woman having sex with men other than their spouse. I don't know if the term 'cuckolding' applies to a man doing the same to his wife, but either way I feel the same way about it.

Anyway, if I'm understanding correctly, the TL;DR of what the both of you are saying is that sex with other people after one is married does not equate to a lack of respect or love. That is the point of disagreement. See, there isn't a such thing as a strictly sexual relationship with humans. Sex is an extremely intimate and emotional thing, it isn't completely about physical pleasure. The truth is that when you have sex with someone, you give up a part of yourself to that person, and them to you. Whether it be weakly or strongly, you are bonded to that person. How, when someone gives a part of his or her self to someone who isn't their spouse, can they claim to respect the relationship? How, when a person becomes emotionally bonded to others in the most intimate way, can they claim that they truly love their spouse?

(Please do not call me darling).

And that's probably why so few women are into it, because they are more emotional beings than men, and they are more in tune with the fact that sex is never unemotional.

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I am not implying that you are sexist. I just find that many men are more able to accept the notion of their own desire for other partners than a woman's so I sometimes put it in that context.

There are many passions that we share with people other than our spouse wherein we give something of ourselves to them. A shared love of art or music or involvement in a seminal life event (either great tragedy or accomplishment). And most people share something of themselves with their closest friends and family that they may not share with their spouse.

It is only sex that has been deemed a passion that must be shared exclusively and that is largely a societal construct. We don't all put the same importance on sex and we don't all share the view that it can only be shared exclusively. My obligations to respect my relationship are between me and my spouse and we are not obliged to make monogamy part of the package. We reserve the right to define our own relationship without any regard for what anyone else thinks.

Again you are stating strongly and honestly held views about the emotional component of sex and the emotional connection married people are permitted to have with other people. Neither is fact and you are discounting the likelihood that other people have different priorities.

I have met comparatively asexual people with a deep love of art. They would be more hurt that their spouse went to the opera with another person than if they had sex with them afterward.

To be clear I think that most people who pursue sex outside their marriage are following their lust and fooling themselves about the consequences. They aren't as open-minded as they think and it doesn't end well. But that is not always the case.

boomer177 said:

What is your take on why so relatively few women are into this?

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I think my ability to speak for anyone else is nil, but I will offer up an opinion.

Women are punished for wanting sex or at least for being honest about it. If it is known that we are sexually active men and women disparage us and we are deemed unsuitable marrying material.

Besides social punishment being interested in sex actually invites horrible treatment. Look at the portrayals of "slut" in porn. It almost always involves a woman being physically abused and foregoing the right to chose her sex partners - i.e. slut means she'll fuck anyone. No it means I like to fuck......just like a guy I suppose, but guys don't equate wanting to fuck with forfeiting their right to choose their partners or being treated like a doormat.

Women are a lot more interested and sexually active than many men know. Unfortunately, we all tell each other little lies sometimes and the ones you guys need to hear are that I haven't had very many partners and you are the best ever. Not all guys need to hear this, but enough that it drives how we behave. Plus I want to be treated like a human being so I don't go around presenting myself as a bimbo and try to only be with men who are discrete and non-judgmental - the ones who know to keep their mouths shut.

Our sex drive is different and more oriented towards relationships than men, but nearly so different as most men imagine. As long as women suffer negative consequences for having casual sex we can't really know whether they are disinterested in the sex or the bullshit that comes with it.

I edited this in after the initial post.

There is one more reason why maybe relatively few women are into this - "success rate" of casual sex. For women it is reasonably common that sex is unsatisfactory. I imagine the experience varies greatly for men as well but there is a happy ending a very high percentage of the time. It is a simple matter of biology really. Men tend to orgasm faster than women and when they finish, lose the capacity and interest in continuing. In the relatively less frequent times where the woman orgasms first she can easily carry on and make sure he gets a happy ending.

That is unfair to many good lovers I have known who take the time and attention to always make it a positive experience. And part of the challenge is women ourselves - we are complex and mercurial, but not by choice. Hint: if you say things like I always make sure she cums you don't know what you are talking about. We don't work that way. But we can still enjoy sex when we don't orgasm.


It is interesting how we make assumptions about women's different attitudes about sex, love and commitment as if we can isolate those attitudes from the external factors that affect our decisions. Those external factors are intertwined with our attitudes because there is no place or point in history where they have not existed. Every mother who councils her daughter on what not to do or not to wear is not doing so in a vacuum but in the context of the societal consequences thereof.

With all that being said I still love men and sex with men......

There are different opinions of what cuckold is and is not, but this is what I have found cuckolding to be.

The classic definition of cuckolding is of course, a man who loves his wife, but she doesn't particularly love or respect him, and takes a lover without regards to his feelings. In this case, even though the husband is humiliated by his wife's extramarital affair, he is unwilling or unable to do anything about it. Obviously, this is an unhealthy marriage.

Cuckolding as it is discussed on Lit, (and other similar groups), has become a fetish based on a variation of the classic definition. Where in the classic definition of cuckolding, the wife takes a lover because she has little or no love/respect for her husband, in the fetish of cuckolding, the wife takes a lover because she loves her husband, and respects his unique sexual/emotional needs. Some men become extremely aroused at wanting what they can't have sexually, particularly in being denied sex with his wife. By either knowing, or watching his wife having sex with another man, while being denied sex himself, the husband becomes aroused to the extreme. And being humiliated by being subjugated sexually by what he sees as a superior male, (and wanting what he can have), drives his arousal even higher. Then in some cases after the Bull leaves, (and the man and his wife are alone), she will let him have sex with her. In his heightened state of arousal, he usually can last only a few seconds, which makes him feel even more inferior and humiliated. However, after the feeling of humiliation passes, he is more determined than ever to prove to himself that he can satisfy his wife in bed. Some husbands will do anything to prove they are an adequate lover, which oddly enough, often makes the cuckold husband a better lover to his wife than the Bull.

The actual rules, (or limits), that govern the individual couple's cuckold marriage are usually defined by the individual couple. And being so, cuckold marriages vary greatly. This fetish is not for everyone. It usually involves a man who has a feeling of sexual inadequacy, (compared to other men), and a constant subconscious need to prove himself as an adequate lover. And while it may seem that the wife would be a promiscuous woman, it takes a woman who truly loves her husband, and is devoted to pleasing him sexually. Especially in the beginning, it can be very difficult for a woman who truly loves her husband to take another man in her bed, particularly in front of her husband. Both the man and wife have to be *very* secure in their marriage and in their love for each other. This is not something a couple should do on a whim, or just because it sounds cool.

It's not really a bad fetish; the husband in a cuckold marriage gets to fulfill his need for extreme sexual arousal and his emotional need for humiliation, (because of his feelings of sexual inadequacy). And the wife's emotional reward comes from pleasing her husband. Plus, the sex for her is great. It helps if the wife has a Dominate personality and the husband has a submissive personality. Like I said, this isn't for everyone; it does take a unique couple.

Then there is the possibility of the stereotype just being true. Small cock husband wife needing huge cock husband needing wife to be happy in bed and then of coarse husband liking to eat cum filled pussy. nothing wrong with any of that just so they love each other. Perhaps hubby likes the look of wifes face as she climaxes on a huge cock

I am no stranger to having sex with married women. Some of whom I have fucked with the husband in the same room.

The reality of cuckolding is what you and your partner make it
Yes some men want to be humilated while another man is taking her where they cannot take her. It may be a healh issue, sexual fantasy, low self esteem, or what ever.

What today's porn films portray cuckolding as a man with a small dick, a oversexed woman, and a guy with a large cock. Through in a cock cage , forced bisexuality and a strap on, all of a sudden it is femdom.

In the activities I have been in, only one had a femdom spin, and she was into the humilation of it as much as he was. It was kind of uncomfortable for me, to tell the truth.

Thought about it a little more after I posted. Women are different then men, as pointed out by the lovely policywank above. Some women as some men, including myself can never be satisfied by the same partner forever.

Variety is the spice of life. However, set your feelings of guilt or betrayal aside, it has no place in this activity. If you cannot handle it, do yourself a favor and move on to someone that has sexual monogamy in mind.

That's it.

query, You do not know a thing about me. I think just about anyone will agree with me when I say that IN GENERAL women are more emotional than men. If my argument makes you angry, then it doesn't make sense to insult me personally. Respond to the argument.

"you are stating strongly and honestly held views about the emotional component of sex and the emotional connection married people are permitted to have with other people. Neither is fact..."

And we're at an impasse. On my belief in the emotional component of sex, there is no hard evidence to sway me. And there isn't any hard evidence that I have to prove you wrong. And with that point as the basis of my OP, I don't think this thread will bear any fruit from further arguing.
I thank those of you who constructively contributed to this thread.

thepeopleschamp said:

query, You do not know a thing about me. I think just about anyone will agree with me when I say that IN GENERAL women are more emotional than men. If my argument makes you angry, then it doesn't make sense to insult me personally. Respond to the argument.

"you are stating strongly and honestly held views about the emotional component of sex and the emotional connection married people are permitted to have with other people. Neither is fact..."

And we're at an impasse. On my belief in the emotional component of sex, there is no hard evidence to sway me. And there isn't any hard evidence that I have to prove you wrong. And with that point as the basis of my OP, I don't think this thread will bear any fruit from further arguing.
I thank those of you who constructively contributed to this thread.

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Who are you posting this message to?

Harold_Hill said:

Who are you posting this message to?

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He posted to Query. That's why your quoted post from him started "query, You do not know a thing about me..."

DarkPleasures said:

He posted to Query. That's why your quoted post from him started "query, You do not know a thing about me..."

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LOL, That went right over my head. I thought he was trying to ask some kind of question.

No worries. It happens sometimes.

thepeopleschamp said:

query, You do not know a thing about me. I think just about anyone will agree with me when I say that IN GENERAL women are more emotional than men. If my argument makes you angry, then it doesn't make sense to insult me personally. Respond to the argument.

"you are stating strongly and honestly held views about the emotional component of sex and the emotional connection married people are permitted to have with other people. Neither is fact..."

And we're at an impasse. On my belief in the emotional component of sex, there is no hard evidence to sway me. And there isn't any hard evidence that I have to prove you wrong. And with that point as the basis of my OP, I don't think this thread will bear any fruit from further arguing.
I thank those of you who constructively contributed to this thread.

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Actually I wouldn't necessarily agree that women are more emotional than men. We display those emotions differently and society doesn't pressure us to be stoic - but experiencing emotions is different than displaying them. Think about the full range of emotions not just stereotypical females. Anger for instance - arguably men display more anger than women. Insecurity - imagine a world where men's dick size was as obvious to the world as the size of my tits or ass and people regularly commented on it. Fear - is it being more emotional to be more fearful when everyone is bigger and stronger than you are (no, men respond the same way). Angst - is it being more emotional to worry about equality when you really aren't being treated equally (ask a black man).

I don't see an impasse but then I didn't know we were arguing or expecting to agree. I am simply stating my own views as they apply to me and nobody else. Frankly, I don't see how any of us can do more than that in a truly informed way.