Do any other female writers sometimes feel afraid

I sometimes feel like being a woman who writes erotica and romance is a vulnerable position to be in, especially because I write a lot of dubcon scenarios. Effectively, I am putting my fantasies of control out there for everyone to see. I worry that people won't be accepting, in two different ways:

1. If something bad happens to me, I worry that people will say something like "She wrote a force fantasy, of course she wanted to be assaulted/abused"

2. I worry that people won't take me seriously. I'll be viewed as a writer of "silly love stories" at best, and a "rape apologist" at worst.

Do any other women who write erotica and erotic romance have these fears? If so, how do you deal with them?

PS_Alexandria said:

I sometimes feel like being a woman who writes erotica and romance is a vulnerable position to be in, especially because I write a lot of dubcon scenarios. Effectively, I am putting my fantasies of control out there for everyone to see. I worry that people won't be accepting, in two different ways:

1. If something bad happens to me, I worry that people will say something like "She wrote a force fantasy, of course she wanted to be assaulted/abused"

2. I worry that people won't take me seriously. I'll be viewed as a writer of "silly love stories" at best, and a "rape apologist" at worst.

Do any other women who write erotica and erotic romance have these fears? If so, how do you deal with them?

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I hear you and I don't have time now but more later.

This is not a gender based thing at all.

For example, I LOVE to teach. But I will NEVER EVER teach in a school classroom.

Why? Because I live an alternative lifestyle and it would be too simple for someone to make a false accusation against me and for that lifestyle be used to support it "by circumstance". (eg; "He's a rapist because he likes to force women to submit to him sexually.")

As a writer, I also research various forms of sexuality. Forms which don't interest me personally, yet I write about them. As someone who actually KNOWS how it's done, it's simple for the police or the DA to use that research as "circumstantial evidence" to prove motive for the crime which I'm accused of and send me to jail.

So, it's not a gender thing. It's a thing where every person/writer has to take care to never put themselves at risk because of the things we do. Whether for our "art" or for some other reason.

(As an aside, if you live in a place where you feel that you are at more than a minimal potential risk of harm: PACK YER STUFF AND MOVE!)

If the anonymity of posting on the Internet and your ability to use it isn't comforting enough for you, it might be best if you not post material you worry about.

...............

I write non con without moral qualms. As the writer, I’m in complete control of the story and characters. I get to flirt with giving up control while having supreme control. I wouldn’t want the fantasy in real life because who could I trust to be completely benevolent towards me when they use force? Honestly no one. Everyone comes with their own set of selfish motives. But in this way, I get to have my ravishment cake and (be delightfully, safely forced to) eat it too.

PS_Alexandria said:

I sometimes feel like being a woman who writes erotica and romance is a vulnerable position to be in, especially because I write a lot of dubcon scenarios. Effectively, I am putting my fantasies of control out there for everyone to see. I worry that people won't be accepting, in two different ways:

1. If something bad happens to me, I worry that people will say something like "She wrote a force fantasy, of course she wanted to be assaulted/abused"

2. I worry that people won't take me seriously. I'll be viewed as a writer of "silly love stories" at best, and a "rape apologist" at worst.

Do any other women who write erotica and erotic romance have these fears? If so, how do you deal with them?

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1. You are vulnerable, especially as a woman writing stories like this. The important thing, as Pilot said, is to be secure in your anonymity. Using myself as an example

• The only person who knows me in person who also knows I write erotica is my partner. He's very security conscious on my behalf.

• Keep your real self and your writers profile totally separate. Do not use any real information. Names. Email. User photos etc etc. They should all be specific to your writing and not used for anything else. Within reasonableness. I use my own first name because (a) it's not uncommon and (b) I'd be bound to forget and use my real first name somewhere. Everything else is specific to writing erotica. Even my Paypal. Same with Facebook, Pinterest, etc. No connection. Different emails. No linkage between your personal social media and your writer social media.

• You may end up chatting with fans via email or whatever. I do. Same rules apply. No personal info. No location information whatsoever. No phone #'s. Nothing visual that you could be identified with. No specific job or work info. Nada.

• Be security conscious with your computer equipment. You might get hacked and you don;t want someone revealing anything that might compromise you. I write on my laptop but my partner maintains all my security s/w and I never store anything on my hard drive My laptop is never connected when I'm not using it either. I disconnect. And shut it off.

• Be security conscious personally. That's a good idea for any woman anyhow. I work shifts so I'm often at home sleeping during the day. We have an alarm system and it's connected to a security company. I have a panic button. And better yet I have my own personal home invasion deterrent. It shoots 9mm. And an insurance plan in case I need to use it. Thanks NRA . And I'm always very aware of my surroundings. Especially at nights when I go to and leave work and jump in my car. Better safe that sorry - and that personal security all the time is far more of a risk than anyone tracking you down from Literotica

2. People won't take me seriously. I'll be viewed as a writer of "silly love stories" at best, and a "rape apologist" at worst.

• Nothing wrong with that. Romance novel share of the U.S. fiction market: 34%. The e-book share of romance was 39% in Q1 2014. Approximately 50 percent of all mass market paperbacks sold are romance. Just some random stats showing that "silly love stories" are the single biggest segment of the North American book market. You are not alone. And 50 Shades of Grey shows where that can go if you strike the right chord with woman readers.

• Rape apologist? Have you read a lot of women's romances. "Bodice rippers" are definitely a genre. Forget your worries and write what you want. If being viewed as a rape apologist bothers you, write it under a different pseudonym. Heck, I've just written my first real incest story. Does that mean I want to jump in bed with my Dad? No way, but I had fun writing it and I enjoyed it and, um, jumping in bed with my Dad has never been a fantasy of mine. I hope to god it's never been a fantasy of his either. It's a hot story and I like it. Does that make me an incest apologist in real life? Nope. Do I worry about being viewed as an incest apologist? Nope, coz I know my Daddy will .... oops, stop that, Chloe!

Fears? Well, the security side of things maybe, but I thought about that before I started writing here and my partner is quite the fanatic about my personal safety. He laid out all the rules for me and ran me through a whole bunch of personal security stuff that I'd never thought of. And his guns are bigger caliber than mine. LOL.

Aside from all of that, don't run with a victim mentality. You're biggest worry isn't Literotica readers. It's your everyday safety. Aside from online precautions, take a good self defence course for women and learn how to be aware of your surroundings and what precautions to take. Buy yourself a gun for self defense. Learn to shoot. The best form of defence travels at about 2,500 feet per second. Practice. You won't be invulnerable but you won't be defenceless either. Get rid of that "if something bad happens to me" mentality. Take on the "something bad will happen to someone else if they try it on" mentality. It's a mind-set thing along with the skills to make it happen.

Do some sort of martial arts where they do contact sparring. I train at TaeKwonDo and Hapkido and I'm always getting the shit kicked out of me. I can take a pounding and I know what it feels like to take that and get back up and wade back in. When you practice, you get used to it and being attacked isn't a surprise. You know you can take it and you've trained and you react. That said, no women is going to match a man strength wise, that's where the gun comes in. Equalizes things rather nicely IMHO.

Altho you can do quite nasty things with stiletto heels and a kick. "65kg on a surface of 2 cm2 (e.g., high heeled shoes) will result in a pressure of 3 250 000 Pa (beneath the high heels, if the person is standing on the surface of planet Earth). A four ton elephant, on the other hand, standing on one foot will cause a pressure of only 250 000 Pa under that foot. So stomp. Then leave your heels behind and run like fuck.

It's human nature to want to find excuses, to justify, and to explain. Unfortunately this trait isn't beneficial to victims of sexual assault, irrespective of the victim's gender and most people (jurors, legal professionals, police etc) just aren't self aware enough to recognise their bias.

I could tell you a long and intensely personal story about sexual assault, but this is a public forum, so let's just say 'if I am ever assaulted again, the absolute last thing I'll do is trust any legal system with procuring justice'. I would imagine most women feel the same, and men even more so.

And no, I don't feel scared, not anymore. I've already faced hell.

I started using the internet back in the days when Netscape was the out new browser. That was on Window 3.0. Back then you booted your computer up on DOS x.xx the had to run Windows from the DOS prompt.

Anyway, I learned way back then, one simple rule...

Never use your real name or any real information anywhere on the internet. To this day I follow that one rule and feel secure enough to do almost anything. Nowadays I have two firewalls, a proxy server and a vpn between my computer and the internet. I also stopped allowing J a v a s c r i p t to run in the browsers.

This turned up on The Daily Beast this morning:

https://www.thedailybeast.com/america-still-has-a-problem-with-women-who-write-about-sex

rj

rjordan said:

This turned up on The Daily Beast this morning:

https://www.thedailybeast.com/america-still-has-a-problem-with-women-who-write-about-sex

rj

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Social justice commentary, more than anything else, perpetuating the current PC environment that women are victims.

The story makes it seem as if, because she was female, that no one recognized her work. I didn't read her works but that doesn't mean I think she was without merit or notice as an author because she was "just a woman". Yet, somehow in the story it got lost that she was a best seller and well known in literary circles by her (then) peers and readers who didn't care about her gender.

She was an author. NOT a "woman author". By emphasizing her sex over her talents, the writer of the article actually did what he ascribed to others, he ignored her as a person in favor of describing her by her gender. Irony that.

Afraid probably isn't the right word for me. Extremely cautious, yes.

Do I worry about having someone try to track me down? Yep. Do I keep my identity a complete secret? Yep. The only people who know are people that I would trust with my life, and maybe it should say something that none of them are direct family members.

That being said, I do have those fears and worries. I've already had a couple of weirder emails that I feel are an attempt to fish info out of me, or what not. However, they come through the Lit messenger, which means if I ignore them, they go away, and I don't have to worry about a flooded inbox or, even worse, unsolicited dick pics. I deliberately started my identity from scratch about 24 hours before my first story posted, so I can't even be linked to the real world save for an IP trace, but even that bounces around on a regular basis, which does make it funny when I need to see if a store has something in stock, only to find that I am looking at a random one in Texas.

HisArpy said:

Social justice commentary, more than anything else, perpetuating the current PC...

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The term PC is where I bail. Rarely is anything interesting or useful written or said after that acronym.

rj

rjordan said:

The term PC is where I bail. Rarely is anything interesting or useful written or said after that acronym.
rj

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Umm, not so in this case. Especially this part that came after the acronym...

HisArpy said:

She was an author. NOT a "woman author". By emphasizing her sex over her talents, the writer of the article actually did what he ascribed to others, he ignored her as a person in favor of describing her by her gender. Irony that.

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It does seem that when we shut people off because we choose to lay focus only on what we find distasteful within their narrative, well, that is when we can miss out on what truly matters.

As far as the OP's concerns, do your thing and worry less the opinions of others. Except your readers. Worry a bit about their opinion.

As far a safety goes, do everything Chloe said. Spot on, that advice.

rjordan said:

The term PC is where I bail. Rarely is anything interesting or useful written or said after that acronym.

rj

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There's a nifty browser add-on that automatically replaces the words "political correctness" with "treating people with respect". Pretty accurate, in my experience.

Bramblethorn said:

There's a nifty browser add-on that automatically replaces the words "political correctness" with "treating people with respect". Pretty accurate, in my experience.

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You can live in denial and force your browser to pet you, but it won't benefit you. Forcing everyone to walk on eggshells like pronouns, being offended at everything and not racial slurs(which are perfectly fair) and assuming genders is what polarized the world and got a certain "Herbert Mountain Dew Camacho" act-alike person become the most powerful person in the world.

PS_Alexandria said:

I sometimes feel like being a woman who writes erotica and romance is a vulnerable position to be in, especially because I write a lot of dubcon scenarios. Effectively, I am putting my fantasies of control out there for everyone to see. I worry that people won't be accepting, in two different ways:

1. If something bad happens to me, I worry that people will say something like "She wrote a force fantasy, of course she wanted to be assaulted/abused"

2. I worry that people won't take me seriously. I'll be viewed as a writer of "silly love stories" at best, and a "rape apologist" at worst.

Do any other women who write erotica and erotic romance have these fears? If so, how do you deal with them?

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I am not a woman (but can temporarily identify as someone if you like ) but feel free. We all write stories where bad things happen, or the victims never get good, or take revenge.

Just type away.

EstebanMamono said:

You can live in denial and force your browser to pet you,

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...er, what?

but it won't benefit you. Forcing everyone to walk on eggshells like pronouns,

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Perfect example of what I'm talking about. Calling people by the names and pronouns they prefer is the easiest thing in the world. It costs exactly nothing and it makes the person you're talking to/about feel comfortable; it's respectful.

If you want to sign yourself "Esteban" here and represent yourself as male, I'm going to call you that. I'm not going to demand to see your birth certificate. It's just basic courtesy. It's not hard.

(Also - speaking of basic courtesies - if you want to speculate about US presidential elections that belongs on the Politics board, not here.)

Bramblethorn said:

Calling people by the names and pronouns they prefer is the easiest thing in the world. It costs exactly nothing and it makes the person you're talking to/about feel comfortable; it's respectful.

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This is worth repeating. Well said, B.

Bramblethorn, I agree with you in your comments #s 15 and 17. To me also political correctness means treating people with respect. I also agree with R Jordan in your comment #13 and Loqui Sordida Ad Me in your comment #18.

Moonlight and Roses,

EstebanMamono said:

You can live in denial and force your browser to pet you, but it won't benefit you.

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Political correctness has become legion. Unless one identifies as a lemming one is shunned regardless of the merit of their words. This shows up in the constant attempts to force the world to change definitions to meet personal preferences rather than reality.

Such behavior used to be called temper tantrums. Today it's called social justice; complete with throwing and breaking things and the fact that it's always someone else's fault that they are acting the way they are. They support their actions with bumper sticker type slogans containing meaningless dogma which they desperately clutch to their breasts tighter than a stolen fistful of dragon's gold.

And, a polite word of warning: There are trolls here. Read a few threads, note the recurring names, and you will quickly discover who they are. It's not that difficult, they are in every sub-forum and the content of their comments always the same - never praise or constructive support and always that they are better. Just click any of the many conveniently provided links and you will see how much better than you they are. Be further warned, they have a fan base who will rush to their defense at the slightest hint of anyone calling them by their true personas.

Bramblethorn said:

Perfect example of what I'm talking about. Calling people by the names and pronouns they prefer is the easiest thing in the world. It costs exactly nothing and it makes the person you're talking to/about feel comfortable; it's respectful.

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A rose by any other name is still a rose. As is a turd. Calling a turd a rose doesn't change it's nature. Nor does it make anyone comfortable.

RubenR said:

With regards to Literotica, I disagree. This isn't the real world here, and when some turd wants to know what it feels like, being treated like a rose, fine with me. I will call it a rose (can't smell it anyway), as long as (s)he tries to behave like a rose. Not sure if I'd want to speak with someone who prefers to be and act like a turd, though.

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Which it's why it's always such a good idea to stay away from anything smelling remotely of politics on the AH board and threads. As soon as that dreaded "p" word comes up we all get caught up in it. The whole pc thing is much more a topic for the Politics board. It's a fine line sometimes, especially when it comes to women writing non-con stories.

That said, I don't see any difference between non- con and any other type of erotica myself. It's all in how others see you and I find quite a few readers don't distinguish between the writer and the characters when it comes to stories here. Loving Wives is a case in point. It's always a concern when readers don't distinguish between fiction and reality. So that anonymity is really an important safety factor.

HisArpy said:

A rose by any other name is still a rose. As is a turd. Calling a turd a rose doesn't change it's nature. Nor does it make anyone comfortable.

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Well, sure, because a turd is an inanimate object with no feelings to consider. But I was talking about people. If you don't understand the difference between turds and people, I guess that might explain why treating people with respect seems weird and onerous.