Moving on...?!?

So to update from my previous thread (how to deal with a breaking down marraige)
I have moved out of our house for a few weeks and visiting my parents and friends from home (200 miles from my married home)
I miss my cats and my wife but i know i need this time away. i have accepted the marraige is over and we have talked about dividing up our stuff and the house without any problems or arguments.

But whilst i am here i have been in contact with an old friend (female)
we are talking about meeting up later in the week to catch up. she made a point of telling me her kids are away staying with there dad ( they split up a few years ago) and she will be alone in the house all weekend.
Do i go to her house or meet her in a bar for a few drinks then go home alone?
i know things could get quite heated and we have history so not to sure what would happen if anything and would i feel guilty if it was just a one night stand/ rebound after the marraige breakdown?

brokenman said:

So to update from my previous thread (how to deal with a breaking down marraige)
I have moved out of our house for a few weeks and visiting my parents and friends from home (200 miles from my married home)
I miss my cats and my wife but i know i need this time away. i have accepted the marraige is over and we have talked about dividing up our stuff and the house without any problems or arguments.

But whilst i am here i have been in contact with an old friend (female)
we are talking about meeting up later in the week to catch up. she made a point of telling me her kids are away staying with there dad ( they split up a few years ago) and she will be alone in the house all weekend.
Do i go to her house or meet her in a bar for a few drinks then go home alone?
i know things could get quite heated and we have history so not to sure what would happen if anything and would i feel guilty if it was just a one night stand/ rebound after the marraige breakdown?

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I know a man who left his wife for an old lover. He quit his job, etc. and moved to another state to live with her. Eighteen months later the old love threw him out. It wasn't the first time, he met his wife after the other woman threw him out for a new man.

If you'd feel guilty having a one night stand, you're better off not going. She's married.

not married

she isn't married. she has kids with a guy but they broke up years ago. I'm not sure i would feel guilty but i'm looking for any advice if there is other people who have been in this situation.


also im not leaving my wife for an old lover my marriage is already over as far as my wife told me. there is no significant others on either side of this now.

my mistake!

If you're unsure about things, I think the best step for you is to just take things slow and one step at a time. There's no need for you to rush. Focus on healing yourself first and getting back on your own two feet. I'm not you, but I don't think a one night stand would help me feel any better. You'll have to decide that when and if the situation arises.

brokenman said:

So to update from my previous thread (how to deal with a breaking down marraige)
I have moved out of our house for a few weeks and visiting my parents and friends from home (200 miles from my married home)
I miss my cats and my wife but i know i need this time away. i have accepted the marraige is over and we have talked about dividing up our stuff and the house without any problems or arguments.

But whilst i am here i have been in contact with an old friend (female)
we are talking about meeting up later in the week to catch up. she made a point of telling me her kids are away staying with there dad ( they split up a few years ago) and she will be alone in the house all weekend.
Do i go to her house or meet her in a bar for a few drinks then go home alone?
i know things could get quite heated and we have history so not to sure what would happen if anything and would i feel guilty if it was just a one night stand/ rebound after the marraige breakdown?

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Here's the thing. You're in control of your own destiny. What do you gain out of seeing this person? Would the possibility of sex help your self esteem? Would sex itself?
I don't know if you would feel guilty. I wold ask why you would feel guilty, or why you think you might feel guilty.

Your here on this earth for a very tiny amount of time, and it seems like much of it right now for you is spent in misery. Will this change that? Will it make it worse? Will it offer a moment of respite?

1 - We all heal in our own timing, there is no magical number of days/weeks/months/years to be "over" someone. If you are as done with your marriage as your soon to be ex wife is, then you could get laid tonight with no remorse. If, however, you feel there is a chance at reconciliation, then under no circumstances should you look for love/sex elsewhere.

2 - Currently, things are amicable between you and the wife for the split and divorce. If she gets wind that you've had a fling with an old flame, how do you think she's going to react? She might be done with the marriage, but until the judge decries you legally separated, she can have you on infidelity and make your life a living hell during the separation. I am NOT suggesting that you let her or anyone else control your actions, what I am suggesting is that you carefully way the consequences of your actions BEFORE you make them.

3 - As long as you and the wife are amicable, there is no reason for a protracted divorce and settlement period, it's just a matter of filing the paperwork and hashing out the details. You can still visit with your old flame, but just make it clear that you choose not to have sex with her until you are completely separated from your wife. Do this out of respect for yourself, your wife, and your old flame. If the flame is worth your time, she'll be there when the divorce is final.

Good luck with your decisions. I truly wish you the best.

As a general rule, men have two heads and only enough blood to run one at a time. Or at least that's been my personal experience as a male.

From your posts, you are trying to think things through ahead of time (before the blood flow migrates south to warmer climes) which would be the only thing I would think to tell you.

Well, that and the fact that as of this date, I don't regret any of the things I've done but the things I didn't when I had the chance. Even the things that turned out to have consequences that, had I realized them, would have kept me from doing those things. Everybody is born into this world unscarred, all you have to do to remain so is nothing. It's the scars that make people unique.

BUT~ when it comes right down to it, you are the one who makes the decisions and to give that decision to someone else to make will only make you wonder what if you hadn't listened and done the other thing. Ponder what has been shared here by these others and then make your own decision. I have every confidence that you will make the right one for you. Just as I would for me and they would for them.

Why did you stop seeing this lady friend years ago? Do you think she told you that she'll be alone in order to let you know she is open to having sex (my first thought)?

No on can tell you if you will feel guilty. Maybe you're feeling a bit hung up on the fact that the two of you (your wife and you) are still married even though your marriage is over. If that's the case, you probably should be up front with this lady friend nd let her know you're not in a place to be physical with anyone but you'd love to just hang out and catch up.

Or, wait, did you mean you'll feel guilty for just having a one night stand with someone who might want more?

Anyhow, I think it's good that you're thinking this all through but I think you're still emotionally fragile and maybe should keep this visit G-rated.

"But whilst i am here i have been in contact with an old friend (female)
we are talking about meeting up later in the week to catch up. she made a point of telling me her kids are away staying with there dad ( they split up a few years ago) and she will be alone in the house all weekend.
Do i go to her house or meet her in a bar for a few drinks then go home alone?
i know things could get quite heated and we have history so not to sure what would happen if anything and would i feel guilty if it was just a one night stand/ rebound after the marriage breakdown?"[/QUOTE]

Saw your user name. I don't think it's accurate. Should be hurt man. You'll live, and come through the other side.

I got divorced. Worst thing I went through, worse than the death of my mother. I loved my ex, and didn't want the divorce. But it becomes a sad memory, not an intrusive companion that's always there.

I had a friend, a woman. We knew each other since we were 15, and dated two periods over the years. Since we were 15 year olds sitting in chairs together at the local hangout, into our 30's and 40's, we could talk. Get on the phone at 7 and get off at 1, day after day, week after week. And it seems she got divorced 3 months before me. And the inevitable happened.

We were sympathetic ears for each other, a shoulder to cry on, encouragement for dark times, a refuge from pain. It's good to have someone who likes you for who you are, and who values your company at times like that. It's someone to tell you are good and valuable and important.

We needed each other then. We helped each other through the rough time. I like to think of it as a shoulder to lean on, but it would be coldly accurate to say we were crutches to lean on when we were injured.

It's accurate to say crutches, but it wouldn't be very human. That's what people do when they're hurt, they get together and help each other. We two thought we'd be permanent. The qualities we saw in each other, the hearts we saw in each other, we were in love.

But it didn't last. The issues which kept us friends for all those years, instead of a couple, were still there. At the bottom we were friends, best friends, all those years, but not a couple. As a couple we didn't have what it required to become more than friends.
The foundation for that year + together was our injuries, or rather what good people do when a friend is hurt. When our injuries healed, the reason we were together disappeared, and our old, true relationship came to the fore.

I've read some things psychologist say about transitional relationships, and thought what they said was true

I like to think Mother Nature has a wisdom in bringing people together at different times, and wisdom in letting them come part. Go out there and get in among the human beings again. Do what people do when they meet with each other. The wisest thing I ever heard someone say is that life is a mystery to be lived, and not a problem to solve.

just a bit worried

im not concerned about meeting up with my old flame or what may or may not happen, i'm concerned that if something did happen and my wife found out it would hurt and upset her thinking that i have moved on and am over the relationship already when that is so far from the truth. I feel as though i need the intamcy and affection i haven't had with my wife in so long and i want to feel as though i can still be wanted because it has been almost 6 months since i felt like that. i still love my wife and think maybe after we have had this break and she is less stressed with work we may be able to sort through things but at the moment the way she is talking that is not possible and she has said numerous times it is definatley over just waiting for a set amount of time so we can get a divorce without the legal costs.

brokenman said:

im not concerned about meeting up with my old flame or what may or may not happen, i'm concerned that if something did happen and my wife found out it would hurt and upset her thinking that i have moved on and am over the relationship already when that is so far from the truth. I feel as though i need the intamcy and affection i haven't had with my wife in so long and i want to feel as though i can still be wanted because it has been almost 6 months since i felt like that. i still love my wife and think maybe after we have had this break and she is less stressed with work we may be able to sort through things but at the moment the way she is talking that is not possible and she has said numerous times it is definatley over just waiting for a set amount of time so we can get a divorce without the legal costs.

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Didn't your wife dump you? Why are you worried about sparing her feelings?

brokenman said:

im not concerned about meeting up with my old flame or what may or may not happen, i'm concerned that if something did happen and my wife found out it would hurt and upset her thinking that i have moved on and am over the relationship already when that is so far from the truth. I feel as though i need the intamcy and affection i haven't had with my wife in so long and i want to feel as though i can still be wanted because it has been almost 6 months since i felt like that. i still love my wife and think maybe after we have had this break and she is less stressed with work we may be able to sort through things but at the moment the way she is talking that is not possible and she has said numerous times it is definatley over just waiting for a set amount of time so we can get a divorce without the legal costs.

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I don't want to be too harsh, or mean, but here is what I'm seeing. You are trading a good chance of getting the care you need for the unlikely chance that your wife will change her mind and want you back after saying it is *definitely* over.

Your impulse to wait for your wife is understandable, but it's ultimately self-destructive. You are not thinking rationally, or acting in your best-interest. And do not fool yourself that you're doing this for her, that you are sacrificing for the one you love; you are not. She hasn't asked for it, she likely does not want you to do it. You are doing it for yourself, to cling to a fantasy.

So the question is whether you really think clinging to fantasy is good for you. You are passing the opportunity to meet someone who can do you good. Meanwhile, your continuing effort and dedication to your wife will go unnoticed, because she doesn't care. Perhaps it will even be mocked, or seen as hypocrisy, which will further hurt you, breeding resentment.

I'd say your choice is *obvious*. There is nothing left for you with your wife. You're hoping she will look your way, and care, and give you the love and attention you need, but that's for her to decide, and right now, she has removed herself from the game. You need to accept it, and be selfish (as she is). You need to build up some boundaries ASAP, and try not to fall into the same pattern again.

I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, and also for the pain you're feeling. I hope things get better. There is nothing nice about losing someone you love.

i want to spare her feelings because i still love her and think this is an isue of stress in our relationship and i dont want to hurt her by thinking i'm over her.
yes she did dump me but we still get on well and talk i just need some affection at the moment and think if i do get it from my old flame it could help me get myself back on my feet and sort things out or it could sway my decision of where im going to live if we talk and things could work between us as last time i saw her we were 16/17 years old and a lot has changed since then.

Your wife is your most important priority.

I didn't realize that reviving the marriage was the issue. I'd say go a head and do your best. I can't imagine a worse feeling, ten years from now, thinking, "I didn't try hard." I think for your peace of mind, the sake of your heart and your conscious, you must be able to say, "I tried my hardest. I did everything I could think of." You must acquit yourself to the satisfaction of your heart.

An honest self appraisal is useful. Honestly admitting your mistakes and trying to correct them. It will satisfy your conscious, and NOT INCIDENTALLY better prepare you for whatever the future brings.

My ex went to another state. I visited, just to talk. I called, not as a pest, but to find out how she was doing, how things were going, how people we knew were doing. She wanted space, and I gave it to her, not pushing. She left property behind and I benefited from it. I paid her the value of the property that I had but she didn't.......several times over it's worth because I knew she was having a rough time. I went to a marriage counselor as a single. The counselor had an annoying habit of pointing out things I did wrong. That didn't do my ex much good, but my next gf was damn glad I did it. Never once since we split did I ever feel bad about our ending. To this day I feel I did everything possible to save it. If you want to revive what you had - and I think a marriage deserves that effort - do everything in your heart to satisfy that desire. Do your best. Your Best. Your conscience will thank you in ten years, no matter how it works out.

One thing. Each time you grieve, the ideations in your mind will be you sitting at a computer while she is distant. Each time you grieve, you will revive the understanding you are apart. Grieving cements the separation in your mind, because you are aware that you are in one place and she is distant. Each time you grieve, you prepare yourself to accept the separation as real. And the time will come to accept it as permanent. Grieving prepares people to accept the loss. It has a real use. Someone once said, the only way to get past tough times is to live and feel your way through them. The way YOU feel about them.

I would still recommend trying to see your old girl friend, as a friend. I saw my old flame and we were each others cheerleaders for attempts at reconciliation. "What did he say?" "That's good! It should handle that problem!" We supported each others attempts at trying to get back with our spouses. At times like that, a good friend that cares about you is priceless. If your old friend likes the person you are and respects your choices and feelings, could two people be better for each other?

I always think Mother Nature is a wise old Lady. She often works her way without us noticing what she is doing. But she can work behind the scenes with a lot of wisdom. I'd ask three questions. Is your old flame a real friend? Did you tell her you want to save the marriage? What did she say?

PS. I'm a bit of a motor mouth, if you haven't noticed. I never learned the trick of being concise. Sorry it takes me puttering around for awhile until I finally get to the point.

a few things.
my old girlfriend dosen't know my marraige is in trouble.
we have not spoken in around 16 years.
I have no idea what has happened in her life since i last saw her and vice versa.
i would like to think we can be supportive of each other.

as she is a single mother of 2 and working full time i would like to be able to help her out if i can even if just to cheer her up for a few hours. I know we will have some things in common as we have both been through a long term relationship breakdown (mine more recent than hers) and so will be able to offer advice to each other. i also would like to have a cuddle without any pressure and i know we could do that before so im pretty sure it could happen again.

Eilan said:

Didn't your wife dump you? Why are you worried about sparing her feelings?

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Cuz he's lying out his ass.

Go with your gut feeling.

Why do you think she said the kids were away if she doesn't know there is a marriage issue? Do you think she was coming on to you, or do you think you may have been reading more into it than she meant?

My personal view is that if you meet her, you should meet her outside her home for a first meeting. After that you will have a better idea of how things might proceed.

If you honestly think there is a chance of saving the marriage after a period apart then you should give it that chance, but from what you've posted here it's not looking that way.

As for sleeping with someone else whilst you are still legally married - makes no difference in the UK courts, except to give another possible ground for a divorce petition. It does not affect the outcome of any legal proceedings (although could make your wife more determined to fight, which ultimately costs both of you money)

I was divorced last year...after spending the first year on Lit whining about what my marriage had dissolved into.

The first big hurdle is getting over that pity and start just talking to the opposite sex again as a single. Even if we are all presuming too much that your ex-gf wants to shag your bones because even after all these years you're still the best she's ever had (lulz ), it will still do you a world of good just to spend hours being intimate (with your clothes on!) with somebody that isn't your (ex)wife.


Oh, and the best way to get over a past lover...is to get on top of a new one!

Been divorced myself, dumped by my ex. I think you are being very dillusional in thinking there is a chance you and your wife could get back together. It ain't gonna happen. From what you describe, how are you going to hurt her if she dumped you and has repeatedly said, it is over, for good? Are you going to never date again, or get married again, because you don't want to hurt her? I hate to break up your fantasy, but she will probably be glad if she finds out you have moved on. She may actually be feeling bad about hurting you and it would make her feel better to know you have moved on. Maybe you are thinking that if she feels sorry for you that she will take you back. Let's assume that could actually happen. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who only took you back because she feels sorry for you? I vote for going over to your friend's house and whatever happens, happens. By the way, I moved on and life has been much better for me. You won't be able to move on until you put the past in the past and start living your life again. It's over.

I'd try her as friend, letting her know you want to try to save the the marriage. Honestly, as a man who took vows, I think you owe it to those vows to make the best effort you can to save the marriage. It's vital to say, "I tried my best."

I realize what I say is a bunch of romantic crap, but I also understand your desire to do right by your wife. Doing your best for your wife can command every part of your heart. I think it is the least you owe her and the vows you took.

But with your old girl friend, I also believe that as two friends that are facing the same pain and problems, it will bring out the best in each others heart. I imagine you trying to help her, as a friend, and her understanding your wish to reconcile. I imagine it as bringing out the best in both of you. And with some individuals, it can bring out the best in them.

From what you have said, I know you are honest and love her, and I know what that means in terms of what you must do for your wife.

But I also believe that when the world was set up, there was tremendous wisdom in arranging hearts so that two friends would help each other when one is in trouble. There is something very important in two friends sharing a tough time.

PS. Geeze, some people could have a field day tearing the shit out of this post. I should put on a raincoat.

PPS. Crap! I'm not keeping up with your updates. I was thinking you hadn't accepted the end yet. I wasted a lot of ink on water already under the bridge.

Meet someplace convenient. Don't waste the opportunity on a cheap screw. It's a chance to develop something important. Don't use her.......regrets follow. Threat her as someone you care about.........then see if something real develops.

i do love my wife and would give anything to save my marriage. however i am being realistic. i would love for us to be able to talk and sort out what and why it went wrong but i cant see that happening anytime soon.
i do have suspicions that there is someone else involved even if only emotionally and not physically. (which im not sure is a better thing) and need her to admit to it. i can see she is hiding something from when we talk and she says she dosent want to upset me, if she is hiding something then by not being honest with me for this long is going to upset me evevn more but we are going to talk through some things in a few weeks and hopefully she will open up to me.

on the subject of my old girlfriend. if we meet up and there is a spark between us and we do feel like having sex as a comfort to each other and to scratch an itch. is it possible to be friends with benefits as we know each other and neither off us want a relationship at the moment?

brokenman said:

i do love my wife and would give anything to save my marriage. however i am being realistic. i would love for us to be able to talk and sort out what and why it went wrong but i cant see that happening anytime soon.
i do have suspicions that there is someone else involved even if only emotionally and not physically. (which im not sure is a better thing) and need her to admit to it. i can see she is hiding something from when we talk and she says she dosent want to upset me, if she is hiding something then by not being honest with me for this long is going to upset me evevn more but we are going to talk through some things in a few weeks and hopefully she will open up to me.

on the subject of my old girlfriend. if we meet up and there is a spark between us and we do feel like having sex as a comfort to each other and to scratch an itch. is it possible to be friends with benefits as we know each other and neither off us want a relationship at the moment?

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What if there is nothing to admit? You may be pushing something that is non-existent in the first place and that might cause tremendous animosity. Do you truly want that? It may be very well that she just doesn't love you anymore and that is why she doesn't want to upset you. It may be that she does have someone else. But honestly, the more you push, the worse it will be.

10 years ago, I was engaged (while he did not pop the question, it was one of those thing we just knew will happen by the year is out) that ended very badly. Amongst other things that ended our relationship, it was the fact that he kept on pushing me to admit to a dalliance that never happened that broke us up. He felt that I was cheating on him, like you, if not physically then it must have been emotionally. I wasn't, because it is not in my nature to cheat or to deceive. But he was sure of it, positive of it, and kept on asking, pushing almost every single time we saw each other. I had enough, and when the other things happened, well... it did not end well and it turned me off of any intimate relationship for years. While we would have broken up anyway, the fact that he kept on pushing me to admit something that there was nothing to admit made the break up acrimonious and made me suspicious of any other relationship that I entered. It is only now, with my all, that I finally feel free of the bad taste that the ex left me. Do you truly want to give that to someone whom you claim to love?

The point is that she said it was over. I am sorry, but it takes two person to be in a relationship. She has decided it was over and that there is no chance for a reconciliation, then there is no chance to save it.

Personally, if you need to ask if you would feel guilty indicates to me that you are not ready to move on. You haven't healed from your previous relationship. Ask yourself this: is it fair to your ex-girlfriend? Additionally, you still call your ex-wife 'wife'. That is very telling.

See through the divorce, because I have a feeling that until the judge dissolves the marriage, you won't believe it is happening. Go to counselling.

brokenman said:

So to update from my previous thread (how to deal with a breaking down marraige)
I have moved out of our house for a few weeks and visiting my parents and friends from home (200 miles from my married home)
I miss my cats and my wife but i know i need this time away. i have accepted the marraige is over and we have talked about dividing up our stuff and the house without any problems or arguments.

But whilst i am here i have been in contact with an old friend (female)
we are talking about meeting up later in the week to catch up. she made a point of telling me her kids are away staying with there dad ( they split up a few years ago) and she will be alone in the house all weekend.
Do i go to her house or meet her in a bar for a few drinks then go home alone?
i know things could get quite heated and we have history so not to sure what would happen if anything and would i feel guilty if it was just a one night stand/ rebound after the marraige breakdown?

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Be open with her. Something along the lines of "My wife and I are separated and I've accepted we're not getting back together, but I'm still processing it so I can't make any long-term promises."

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with a one-night stand as long as you're treating the people involved ethically (and they're not bunny-boiler types, obviously). Though I agree with the advice to check for legal ramifications.

But first...

brokenman said:

im not concerned about meeting up with my old flame or what may or may not happen, i'm concerned that if something did happen and my wife found out it would hurt and upset her thinking that i have moved on and am over the relationship already when that is so far from the truth. I feel as though i need the intamcy and affection i haven't had with my wife in so long and i want to feel as though i can still be wanted because it has been almost 6 months since i felt like that. i still love my wife and think maybe after we have had this break and she is less stressed with work we may be able to sort through things but at the moment the way she is talking that is not possible and she has said numerous times it is definatley over just waiting for a set amount of time so we can get a divorce without the legal costs.

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Up above you said "i have accepted the marraige is over". You need to decide which of those two is true before doing anything one-night-stand-y.

Also, it might be worth asking yourself: is it really that you're worried about hurting your wife by having this affair? Or might it be that having an affair would feel like giving her permission to move on, and you don't want to give that permission yet?