Dear X,

Dear Gil

You've been in Japan 4 weeks and I've missed you like crazy, an email once a week isn't enough when we've IMed every day. Only a week left until you're home, can't wait....

Cherry

Dear Things I Own,
Please jump into the trash can if you know i don't want you anymore, and the rest of you, please get yourselves into moving boxes! Now!!!

Thank you,
Your Stressed out Owner

Dear Universe,

Thanks for a little bit of peace and quiet on the emotion front for now. Trust me, I appreciate it a lot. Things look like they'll go smoothly for the next week or so, as long as nothing unexpected (in a bad way) happens.

Thanks a bunch,

KR

Dear Murphy's Law,
what can go wrong will go wrong?
what kind of cruel joke are you playing now????

mother fucker damn it i hate you,
blue

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Dear Citrus County,
I thought we discussed this, ya let him out... and now... he is back in jail- 20ish days, something about some dick officer and probation violation - haven't heard anything since 10:00am and I lost his mother's number. Woke him up 6:00am, let him make a few calls, and brush his teeth. How could this be? He just got emergency transfer permission from Judge Hardass (though Jersey denied him transfer back)... he has an anger/drug appointment for wednesday, and bec. of all this, his self absorbed father is going to pay fines like he said he would.
I can't fucking afford the collect calls again - I have no idea how to explain nearly $600 missing from my account. Gas money? Food? Bills? What? I don't know.

Please let the judge give him another stupid gps anklet- he shouldn't have to go through all this at all AS IT FUCKING IS - LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!!
I haven't seen him since January, and likely wont see him if it keeps going this way ... till next fucking January!!!!!

Cut us some fucking slack you money hungry hick-tastic county,
blue

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Dear Grevious Mistake College,
Stressing out like crazy over finals, I need super good grades. After taking the tests I can only remember the handful I get wrong all day - and not any of the good. I need to fucking de-stress -- but tada! no rest for the weary!!
History, Social Psych and Environmental Ethics --- done and check ---
I still have to write the BDSM paper (got all my quotes though)
Take the Astronomy final
Make/Present a Delicate Balance power point - and not vomit while public speaking.

With or without a degree - I'm leaving,
blue

------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Self,
I am feeling really destructive and self-sabotaging. Like... break plates, stop studying, punch holes in the wall, kick a kitten, and heave myself off the greening mountainside in my car filled with gasoline and styrofoam for a grand finale.

hide your car keys,
blue

Dear Ex-wife,
Thank you.

Thank you for being a cold fish, thank you for being frigid, thank you for being a cold hearted bitch.

Thank you for twelve miserable years and for ruining our two sons. Perhaps someday when they smarten up they'll thank you also.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to perfect my masturbation techniques because you hated to have sex.

Thank you for backing off so much that I actually came to my senses and decided to kick your silly ass to the curb.

AND FINALLY,

Thank you for showing me what love isn't. Knowing that let me recognize what I have now for what it is, Love.

I'd wish you a nice life, but you and I know I don't mean it. Oh hell, go burn bitch.

Signing off as formerly miserable, but no longer.
Your Ex.

---------------

Damn that felt good.

Dear Angry Nipples,

Please stop being so fucking sensitive. I'd like to be able to take a shower and get (un)dressed and play with you without squealing, like I used to.

Love,
Your Boob-loving Owner

**********

Dear Womb,

WTF is wrong with you? It'd be super if you could decide what's staying or going, and send clear signals to my doctor so he can tell me what to do to make you a happy camper again.

TIA,
Your Cranky Hostess

***********

Dear People in my Checkout line,

This store has really low prices because it doesn't spend money on things like nice decor and baggers. You know damn well you have to bag your own groceries, so why on earth do you find it necessary to just stand there, watching the checker ring up your GINORMOUS carts o' food, instead of getting a head start on the bagging and going back up to pay when she's almost finished with your stuff?

Can't you see your idiocy backs up the whole line because everyone else is forced to wait because you're still carefully bagging TWO or MORE customers later? And that we'd really rather be home having dinner or relaxing than standing on tired feet with growling stomachs and headaches in a loud, packed line?

Oh, and when anyone tries to tell you very politely that it'd be great for you to start bagging before the checker finishes, you usually either get offended because you're used to having everything done for you, or you don't speak the fucking language of the country you're living in!

Sincerely,
The Tired Blonde Behind You

Dear Love of my Life,

Just because you're a Gemini does not mean that you have to act like two different people. I swear to god, sometimes I think you have more female genes in you than I do. I told you before and I'll say it yet again, sometimes your communication style SUCKS! I hate the silent treatment; I wish you'd just tell me what I've done to piss you off/hurt you/offend you, etc. But no..........I have to ponder it myself and rewind conversations to guess at what happened. And I'm always the one to smooth out the ruffled feathers.

I love you, but you've pissed me off this time and I'm tired of feeling your silent wrath.

Love your "adorable dork"

Dear Abs,
I'm afraid if you stay lost much longer, I will call back the search parties and you will just be lost somewhere inside me, never to be seen again. PLEASE COME BACK!!!!!!!!! I am offering you a substantial reward if you will just please COME HOME! I will give you chocolate again. Please just give up and come out of hiding. I need you back.
Love,
Your Body

Dear Breasts,
Could you please stay the same size for longer than six months? Bras are expensive.....
Thanks,
The Wallet

Dear Palm Trees,
I Love You.
Love,
Me

Dear Quilt,
You and I have had a serious disagreement and it will not be possible for me to finish you on schedule. Your repeated attempts to piss me off and get me to swear at you have worked. You suck. You can just sit there and wrinkle and think about how naughty you are.

Signed,
The Mad Woman of Ohio

Dear love of my life,

It's apparent that it's time for us to say "goodybye." Although neither of us has the balls to cut the cord, it should be done.

I've done so much thinking, but I've not thought it to death. Earlier this week as I wrote in my journal I came to some realizations about myself.

For so long I've wanted to know what the lesson in this relationship is for me. I do not want to share my life with anyone outside of my friends. Perhaps I've become selfish. It doesn't matter. I'm thankful to have conclusive proof that I don't want the love of a man, not even you as wonderful as you are, in my daily life.

More importantly I also believe that my intense disdain for god and religion would become the poison to kill your love for me. As each day passes, I lose that much more respect and acceptance for something that is as vital to you as the air that you breathe. Your faith is at your core. It is not at mine and in all likelihood never will be. You cannot accept that about me. No one to blame here, just the plain truth.

There will always be love in my heart for you, but as the song says sometimes love isn't enough.


Den

Dear Karma/God/Fate or whomever causes these things to happen:

I have seriously had the worst semester ever this past semester. First off, before the semester even started, the 2nd family member to die on me in a year died and I was forced to rush to the other side of this huge state I live in and actually confront my father's mother who is a complete bitch for the first time in over 10 years. Then while dealing with the serious problems half of my kindergarten class had, I was also taking 13 hrs of senior level education courses. In the midst of this horrendous semester, the love of my life and I had a huge breakdown and ended up not speaking for a month. A month where he seriously needed me to be there for him as his world crashed in. Then on top of this, about 3 weeks before finals you had to go and let some crazed bf of a wonderful boss go crazy and murder her, her unborn child and then killed himself. If you want to kill yourself, why take others with you? Why did you let that horrible act happen on a day when our kids at the center had such a wonderful, self-esteem building day? And why the hell did you have to inform me 2 hrs after I found out about my boss that the most wonderful person in the world had passed away as well, I know she was 95 years old, but she held our family together, and I feel as if I never got the chance to tell her how much she really meant to me in my life. Right now, I think karma has let up a little, I certainly hope so; I really need some time for calm waters.

Sincerely,
Amanda

Dear Friend,
I am so proud of you for doing what needs to be done, in spite of the fact that you don't want to. I'll be your cheerleader, and I'll do whatever I can to help you. Tell you what, when it's three in the morning and you get a craving, call me instead.

Love,
BeeG

Dear Family Member Who Shall Remain Nameless,

When I want your advice on parenting, I'll be sure to look you up, right after I get your advice on staying sober. In case you hadn't noticed, my son is grown up now. What makes you think I can make him do anything? And I wouldn't in this case, anyway. Listen to me carefully: You are butting in. Mind your own business.

Dr. X

I hope u choke on my playstation

bobsgirl said:

Dear Family Member Who Shall Remain Nameless,

When I want your advice on parenting, I'll be sure to look you up, right after I get your advice on staying sober. In case you hadn't noticed, my son is grown up now. What makes you think I can make him do anything? And I wouldn't in this case, anyway. Listen to me carefully: You are butting in. Mind your own business.

Click to expand...

Dear BG,

Wondering if your nameless family member is a "Kay/Kaye."

I work with a woman and she and I have the same middle name. We both have sisters who either have the first or middle name of Kay/Kaye. And those sisters are both pains in the asses.

Her sister is a buttinski like your family member and my friend finally had enough to the point where they are no longer on speaking terms. Your letter made me think the relative MUST have Kay/Kaye in his/her name.

Den

Dear Denae:

Don't be such a stranger I miss you.

Denae said:

Dear BG,

Wondering if your nameless family member is a "Kay/Kaye."

I work with a woman and she and I have the same middle name. We both have sisters who either have the first or middle name of Kay/Kaye. And those sisters are both pains in the asses.

Her sister is a buttinski like your family member and my friend finally had enough to the point where they are no longer on speaking terms. Your letter made me think the relative MUST have Kay/Kaye in his/her name.

Den

Click to expand...

Dear Denae,

Every family has 'em, I expect. I'll never get through to him, and getting angry is just an exercise in frustration because no matter how patiently you explain it, he doesn't get it. If the gods are with me, it will be a while before I have to talk to him again.

BeeG

_________________________________________________________


Dear Former Friend,

It's annoying as hell that I can be percolating along quite well without you one minute, and near tears with sorrow the next. I've spent enough time and cried enough tears over you. Get out and stay out. And take your Brad Paisley music with you. It sucks.

bobsgirl said:

Dear Former Friend,

It's annoying as hell that I can be percolating along quite well without you one minute, and near tears with sorrow the next. I've spent enough time and cried enough tears over you. Get out and stay out. And take your Brad Paisley music with you. It sucks.

Click to expand...

Dear bg

Thanks for the laugh at the Brad Paisley comment. oh and (((bg)))

WW

Dear silverwhisper,

On Friday afternoon, you'll finally be able to use those pesky nanas again.

Snarkily yours,

Eilan

Those Nanas??

Dear Pearl

You stupid old ugly bitch,
Just because your stupid old alcoholic "Husband" died and left you my apartment, that's no reason to raise the rent $100.
And you didn't even have the balls to give it to us in person. You had to leave an envelope during termite inspection.
You lying hag!
May you soon join him in rich landlord's hell, and take your husband-in-law with you!!

Dear mind

What the f#@k are you doing? You know you have diabetes. Yeah it is type II but pills don't control everything, fool. What is with those uncontrollable urges to stuff your face with high glycemic crap. Now you feel sluggish, tired in the eyes and sugar that won't come down.

You know the drill, jerk. Moderation Damn it! Get your freak'in act together....

signed
Tired of feeling tired....

Dear maddbradd,

Happy birthday. I love you bunches.

Eilan

Dear J,

You let me down yet again. Don't try and contact me again. I know that the only reason you called me was because you heard that I'm going forward in my career and you wanted some money. And oh yeah, you wanted some pussy too. Thanks for making me feel special.

Sincerely,
Your future American Idol