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thank you UYS, I do try to keep my drivel confined to the threads. Bog, I had misread nasty instead of natty at first. It's that too. Thanks.:D:D:D
 
@twelveoone You're right about that middleclass line, lazy and too easy. I could kick myself for allowing it to pass.

undermyspell You said I wouldn't live anywhere else nor would I do Her (England) down in a poem

Being honest is not a put down, it's an observation but I accept truth comes down to experience in this case and not objectivity.

Hmm Maybe we could argue about subjective truth:confused:, there is a thread there.
 
Hey ish, put the friggin link in, and if it is a second, say so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
because it was recommended once!
or I will go through your top list doobies, with a fine tooth comb
heh, heh:D:D:D
edited to add smileys
 
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Thanks for your comments my poem Being English everyone. Point taken Istat. The poem needs a bit of refocusing, 1201 made a similar point earlier that I've taken on board.

Well, I've got a couple of exhibitions coming up so I won't be around for around ten days but don't celebrate, I'll be back:eek: with more madness.

A couple of etchings from my exhibition to entertain you or upset you or just provoke in you a little indifference.

I'd better just say, the etchings are in a context in the exhibition and would come across somewhat different.
 

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bogusagain said:
Thanks for your comments my poem Being English everyone. Point taken Istat. The poem needs a bit of refocusing, 1201 made a similar point earlier that I've taken on board.

Well, I've got a couple of exhibitions coming up so I won't be around for around ten days but don't celebrate, I'll be back:eek: with more madness.

A couple of etchings from my exhibition to entertain you or upset you or just provoke in you a little indifference.

I'd better just say, the etchings are in a context in the exhibition and would come across somewhat different.
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Good luck on the exhibitions, bogusagain.

You're too old to be flying that anarchist avatar, but it's kind of cheery to see you do it, anyway. ;)
 
ditto with the good luck at your exhibition, bogus :kiss:

those etchings are striking!
 
bogusagain said:
Thanks for your comments my poem Being English everyone. Point taken Istat. The poem needs a bit of refocusing, 1201 made a similar point earlier that I've taken on board.

Well, I've got a couple of exhibitions coming up so I won't be around for around ten days but don't celebrate, I'll be back:eek: with more madness.

A couple of etchings from my exhibition to entertain you or upset you or just provoke in you a little indifference.

I'd better just say, the etchings are in a context in the exhibition and would come across somewhat different.
Click to expand...
Hey! the Mancunian Colours! What, did you break out your old Durutti Column records?
 
bogusagain said:
Thanks for your comments my poem Being English everyone. Point taken Istat. The poem needs a bit of refocusing, 1201 made a similar point earlier that I've taken on board.

Well, I've got a couple of exhibitions coming up so I won't be around for around ten days but don't celebrate, I'll be back:eek: with more madness.

A couple of etchings from my exhibition to entertain you or upset you or just provoke in you a little indifference.

I'd better just say, the etchings are in a context in the exhibition and would come across somewhat different.
Click to expand...
I'll sing missing boy, till then
Good luck, and cool.

I'd better just say, the etchings are in a context in the exhibition and would come across somewhat different. - I read the poem.
 
thanks, twelve, for reading and commenting on nightwalking :) i hope i have improved a bit since i wrote that one. i agree with you about certain word-choices. :eek:
 
Thank you to those who read and/or commented on my poem up there yesterday. Grateful!

On literotica hiatus for a bit. Something I gotta do :)

Keep on truckin'
:heart:
 
bronzeage said:
ride me now by oneiria

Words do not have a shape, so shaped poems are an illusion. Justify to right or left and the diamonds become a sawtooth edge. Read one aloud and the audience has no idea what shape the lines take on the page. It could be called a contrivance, but no more so than haiku, tanka or other syllable count poems. It is not a negative criticism, just a technical description. This piece pushes the limits of contrivance. This many diamonds on a necklace would be called gaudy. There is a limit in every art.

I read this piece silently and then aloud. The meter is broken in the first line with "If you were only here". "If only you were here, reads smoother. Many of the following lines contain words which break the read in a similar way and seem to be inserted just to maintain the shape. The imagery suffers for it.

One part cannot be overlooked (pardon the reformatting into sawtooth):

"I take your
throbbing clit firmly in my
hot mouth, tugging it
like a great white
shark,"

No. Don't do that. Never combine a clitoris and a shark simile.
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Well bronze, that has to be the most incisive
review I've ever seen in New Poems

It's a shame they don't hand out E's for reviews.

Speaking of dentalia genitalia
 
Thank you, 1201, for recommending my poem, Just Doesn't Feel Like Home, and to Theo, Annie, WBYeats and Tess for the comments. I appreciate everyone of you who takes the time to read my work and comment. Oh, someone popped me a FB note which said re the first verse, "perhaps it's Alzheimers..." I laughed my ass off because they may be right.

I did have trouble with the last few lines. I changed them a bit, and wasn't happy with what I posted, but that is why I post my poems, to get suggestions/reactions from people here who are a good deal more insightful. Sometimes there is a flaw in a poem t hat the writer just cannot see and it takes fresh eyes to even become aware of that problem. So, again, I thank you all and truly appreciate your advice and opinions.

:rose:

~ maria

ps, 1201, and your comment on Bandora's Pox; that is the poem that I have on Clean Sheets. :)

I guess it is kinda odd, but I was trying to make use of active verbs and that's what I came up with. As for the line- "rumbled wild with mysterious" ...use your imagination!! ;)
 
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Thanks to Ishtat for recommending Fred's Dead and for his comment. Also to theognis, twelveoone, W.B.Yeats and UYS for comments left. For those who questioned the second line, it is a mistake dammit. :eek:
 
Tristesse2 said:
Thanks to Ishtat for recommending Fred's Dead and for his comment. Also to theognis, twelveoone, W.B.Yeats and UYS for comments left. For those who questioned the second line, it is a mistake dammit. :eek:
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You're welcome, Tess. And no need to be embarrassed over a little mistake in a wonderful poem. :)

You can delete my question to you and ishtat, if you like, since you answered it here.

J
 
theognis said:
You're welcome, Tess. And no need to be embarrassed over a little mistake in a wonderful poem. :)

You can delete my question to you and ishtat, if you like, since you answered it here.

J
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My brother found him one
day after, before school just

Technically this is correct. Comma inserted. (she does not use punctuation, an acceptable practice) It is awkward. Two things to consider, one it must have been an awkward moment, and in the poem Tess affects a child's voice. It certainly is not out of place, I wouldn't consider it a mistake, here. "just" at the end of the line, very good also. Emulates the moment rather well. Furthering the effect takes great precedence (in literature) over making it clear.

Unlike my it's, which was just mistake. Thanks.
 
twelveoone said:
My brother found him one
day after, before school just

Technically this is correct. Comma inserted. (she does not use punctuation, an acceptable practice) It is awkward. Two things to consider, one it must have been an awkward moment, and in the poem Tess affects a child's voice. It certainly is not out of place, I wouldn't consider it a mistake, here. "just" at the end of the line, very good also. Emulates the moment rather well. Furthering the effect takes great precedence (in literature) over making it clear.

Unlike my it's, which was just mistake. Thanks.
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I didn't necessarily think there was a mistake in the line; I was just asking for clarification. I found it confusing. Tried inserting mental commas in various spots, but couldn't come up with a combination that made perfect sense to me.

I think your interpretation, with Fred's death occurring the day before being discovered by the brother, would need the insertion of two commas:

My brother found him one
day after, before school, just

Any way you look at it, it's a very nice poem.

Thanks, twelve.
 
This is an interesting result of, what was in all honesty, a careless editing mistake. I thank you both for your thoughtful comments and flattering remarks. Thank you too, 1201, for continuing to plough through my older poems and commenting. (the "blood" in "Exodus" refers back to he red flowers mentioned earlier.)
 
Tristesse2 said:
This is an interesting result of, what was in all honesty, a careless editing mistake. I thank you both for your thoughtful comments and flattering remarks. Thank you too, 1201, for continuing to plough through my older poems and commenting. (the "blood" in "Exodus" refers back to he red flowers mentioned earlier.)
Click to expand...

Thanks, Tess. I thought it was unlikely you meant Fred died the day before the discovery, but wasn't sure. It really is a sweet poem, though, regardless.


J
 
Thank you everybody for your kind comments and the recommend of 'Goodbye my Friend'. What do you do when someone you cared about deeply dies suddenly and too young? You write a poem, but it still doesn't stop it hurting like hell
 
blafasst Your comment Sylivia Plath wrote prose and poetry, but she didn't write prose-poetry, or just string together a bunch of Spam tags and stale images and call it a poem. 3/5

Is this your source of irritation today? You are part of the SP church and I am scratching the gilded surface of your holy mother?:rolleyes:

That's taste, purely subjective, like your criticisms.:D
 
bogusagain said:
blafasst Your comment Sylivia Plath wrote prose and poetry, but she didn't write prose-poetry, or just string together a bunch of Spam tags and stale images and call it a poem. 3/5

Is this your source of irritation today? You are part of the SP church and I am scratching the gilded surface of your holy mother?:rolleyes:

That's taste, purely subjective, like your criticisms.:D
Click to expand...

My criticism isn't entirely subjective. You spelled her name wrong and your poetry 9 out of 10 times resembles the spam I get in my email box.
 
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