Several paragraphs (about 350 words) from chapter two. Lack of perspective is a problem for critiquing just a small part of a story, but any constructive criticism on the event and how it's written will be appreciated:
Tobias had to stretch up on his toes until Jenny bent her head to meet his. It was supposed to be a quick friendly peck but the instant it started it took off. He lost himself in the soft warmth of her lips and the flavor of her mouth. The heat from her hands on his back penetrated his thin shirt and he tried to fold his body into hers. An instant later he remembered where he was and pushed away. A sliver of saliva drooped between their lips and snapped when he spoke.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Jenny,” he said. “I didn’t mean to do that.” Here it comes, he thought and almost cringed.
“I’m not.” Jenny kept her arms around him. “I’ve been waiting since you showered for that.” She brushed her lips past his. “I was beginning to think you might not like women.” Her tongue slid against his lips leaving them moist and shining. “But what I feel in your crotch proves me wrong on that count,” she whispered and kissed Tobias again. “Doesn’t it?”
The last time Tobias had been this excited it had been naked fear in a firefight in Afghanistan. He’d gotten erect after that one, and a few others where he was certain it was his time. But he’d survived all those encounters and was suddenly back on the battlefield just after the action. He was hard and needed release.
Despite her size advantage Tobias walked Jenny backwards until he had her trapped against the wall. His left hand pulled her pelvis tight against his and his right hand wormed between their bodies to her breasts – his thumb found a nipple and scraped against it through the cotton of her t shirt.
Jenny’s tongue slithered into his mouth and explored. He almost gagged when it touched the back of his throat and used his own tongue to push back. Jenny groaned when he pushed the hard bulge in his crotch against her thighs and her leg came up between his legs so her knee and thigh could rub his erection.
Tobias had to stretch up on his toes until Jenny bent her head to meet his. It was supposed to be a quick friendly peck but the instant it started it took off. He lost himself in the soft warmth of her lips and the flavor of her mouth. The heat from her hands on his back penetrated his thin shirt and he tried to fold his body into hers. An instant later he remembered where he was and pushed away. A sliver of saliva drooped between their lips and snapped when he spoke.
“Shit, I’m sorry, Jenny,” he said. “I didn’t mean to do that.” Here it comes, he thought and almost cringed.
“I’m not.” Jenny kept her arms around him. “I’ve been waiting since you showered for that.” She brushed her lips past his. “I was beginning to think you might not like women.” Her tongue slid against his lips leaving them moist and shining. “But what I feel in your crotch proves me wrong on that count,” she whispered and kissed Tobias again. “Doesn’t it?”
The last time Tobias had been this excited it had been naked fear in a firefight in Afghanistan. He’d gotten erect after that one, and a few others where he was certain it was his time. But he’d survived all those encounters and was suddenly back on the battlefield just after the action. He was hard and needed release.
Despite her size advantage Tobias walked Jenny backwards until he had her trapped against the wall. His left hand pulled her pelvis tight against his and his right hand wormed between their bodies to her breasts – his thumb found a nipple and scraped against it through the cotton of her t shirt.
Jenny’s tongue slithered into his mouth and explored. He almost gagged when it touched the back of his throat and used his own tongue to push back. Jenny groaned when he pushed the hard bulge in his crotch against her thighs and her leg came up between his legs so her knee and thigh could rub his erection.