More Humour

Oldie but goodie

Breast enlargement

A woman asks her husband if she could get her breasts enlarged. Her cheap husband told her no and that if she wants them enlarged for free all she has to do is rub toilet paper on them. She asked what in the world will that do? He said he hopes it does as good of a job on her breasts as it did on her butt.

DG Hear said:

Breast enlargement

A woman asks her husband if she could get her breasts enlarged. Her cheap husband told her no and that if she wants them enlarged for free all she has to do is rub toilet paper on them. She asked what in the world will that do? He said he hopes it does as good of a job on her breasts as it did on her butt.

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He'll get out of Hospital in time for the trial, according to news reports.

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.

I looked round and the waiter shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Christmass wish

A young boy wrote to Santa, "Santa, all I want for Christmas is for you to send me a brother..."

Santa replied, "For this you will have to send me your mom first..."

Little known fact about Christmas...

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a shot of whiskey. Then he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas?

No, you can have turkey like everyone else.

desertslave said:

Mom, can I have a dog for Christmas?

No, you can have turkey like everyone else.

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Korean, was it ?

"Doctor, as a world-renowned plastic surgeon, after the birth of three children and a very active sex life, do you think you could 'tighten things up a bit - erm - down there?" said the Husband.

"I'm fairly sure I can help," said the Doctor, "I'll have to do an examination first."

After a thorough examination, taking a good while, the Doctor turned to the Husband and said "I think it might be cheaper to have your first made wider."

On a huge Advertising hoarding was a new advert for a Samsung Galaxy Note.

The text read:-

GOOD A Bend, Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but he wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign that read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pendleton, Oregon. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball."
He replied, " Oregon State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

DG Hear said:

GOOD A Bend, Oregon policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but he wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign that read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Pendleton, Oregon. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Oregon State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball."
He replied, " Oregon State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

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I love BEST.

TWO WIDOWS...Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then
we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! " "So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?" Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

On hearing of the death of somebody he didn't particularly care for, Mark Twain said:

"I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a very nice letter to the family saying that I approved of it."

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, they're like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they're like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, they make you cry."

This infuriates his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother smiles and answers, "Well dear, there are three phases. In his 20's, a man's willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it's like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, the tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration".

Two blokes in the Bar:
A: "Why the long face?"
B: "My girlfriend just went out to buy her first Dominatrix outfit."
A: "And this is bad?"
B: "Well, her mother called it a Wedding Dress".

"Why did you name your WiFi after your ex-wife ?"

"Because I can never connect to it when I want to, it's very slow and I caught my neighbour using it"

This one is visual. Got this from the Goddess of Snark.


Love the attitude in the pix.



(In case you want to see what it is about)

You are probably tired of reading about Duck Dynasty! We are tired of writing about Duck Dynasty. But just as we were about to take a long, refreshing, Duck-Dynasty-free break, maybe with a bubble bath and a Mai Tai, along comes Camille Paglia to share her thoughts on the matter and now we have to gird our loins and go read Camille Paglia.

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Posthumous erection: VIGOR MORTIS
_____

The homosexual necro went down to the morgue for his weekly dalliance.
"Slim pickings today," said the friendly mortician, "all we've got today is a beautiful, sexy, young housewife who slashed her wrists."
"Oh, well," sighed the disappointed sodomite. "Buggers can't be choosers."
_____

Then there was the newly widowed husband who thought his wife's body would look good in something long and flowing, so he threw her in the Mississippi River.

Maybe not so dumb after all!

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this....)

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn

*****
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
*****
If you lie and steal from one person you are a liar a thief and a crook but if you lie to everybody and steal from a whole union you are a Labor Politician
~ Hugh Crowther

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

Clever Old Man

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for awhile, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he got closer he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw that it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went in to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him "We are not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked". Holding up the bucket he said "I'm just here to feed the alligator".

HA

Sally slipped on her way to the pond and soiled her dress. She took it off, washed it in the pond and decided it was such a nice day, she would enjoy a dip in the pond while her dressed dried.

A bit later, Johnny came by, saw the dress hanging and the girl in the water and did what any young man would do: he took the dress.

Sally spied her dress missing and Johnny waiting for a show. She also spied an old washtub sitting on the bank. Thinking fast, she climbed out of the water, held up the washtub to hide herself and shouted at Johnny, "Not so smart now, are you?"

"Don't know about that," Johnny said with smile. "I do know the bottom has rusted out of that tub, though."

A married couple is travelling to visit family by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

“We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!” The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay.

As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check. She did and gave it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

“But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t ” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”


Don’t mess with senior citizens…They didn’t get there by being stupid

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence..... The rest of the year went very smoothly.

The Sermon; a guide.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. (Ronald Knox)

I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. (Bob Hope)

Thank God I'm an atheist. (Luis Bunuel)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)

I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice. (Albert Einstein)

Some people say there is a God; others say there is no God. The truth probably lies somewhere in between. (W.B. Yeats)