What's it Like to Be a Dom or sub?

No really, what's is like? What are your expectations of the other party? How did you find your partner? Are you in a relationship with your Dom or sub on the side or is there another person that you're involved with and they know nothing about this aspect of your life? I'm quite interested so please feel free with your details.

This is sort of like asking what's the nature of the universe. The BDSM Talk forum has several hundred threads containing multitudes of answers to these questions. Why ask us to regurgitate it all just for you?

midwestyankee said:

This is sort of like asking what's the nature of the universe. The BDSM Talk forum has several hundred threads containing multitudes of answers to these questions. Why ask us to regurgitate it all just for you?

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It's what I do.

Bent said:

It's what I do.

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And you do it well - over in the GB. You won't find much troll food being offered here.

midwestyankee said:

And you do it well - over in the GB. You won't find much troll food being offered here.

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So, merely because I ask a question, I'm trolling? Wouldn't that mean I would be all up in your threads instead of creating my own?

Bent said:

No really, what's is like? What are your expectations of the other party? How did you find your partner? Are you in a relationship with your Dom or sub on the side or is there another person that you're involved with and they know nothing about this aspect of your life? I'm quite interested so please feel free with your details.

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That's like asking "what's it like to be a mom?" or "what's it like to be a girl?" or "what's it like to be an adult?"

Because my relationships (when I'm in one), look like most healthy relationships. My last partner I met on a "vanilla" dating site; I tend to use those, as I'm interested in people as much as kink. It doesn't matter to me if a guy can do XYZ in bed, if he doesn't have a decent personal library, or know how to cook, or has similar political/social views. As for being primary, or a piece on the side? I prefer to be primary[ish].

I know - it all sounds so very alternative/risque, you don't know how I survive in the real world, do you?

CutieMouse said:

That's like asking "what's it like to be a mom?" or "what's it like to be a girl?" or "what's it like to be an adult?"

Because my relationships (when I'm in one), look like most healthy relationships. My last partner I met on a "vanilla" dating site; I tend to use those, as I'm interested in people as much as kink. It doesn't matter to me if a guy can do XYZ in bed, if he doesn't have a decent personal library, or know how to cook, or has similar political/social views. As for being primary, or a piece on the side? I prefer to be primary[ish].

I know - it all sounds so very alternative/risque, you don't know how I survive in the real world, do you?

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Thank you for your response, but I do know that you survive in the real world, as do I. You presume, based on my activities on the GB that I'm here to mock you, but you couldn't be further from the truth.

Not that I should feel compelled, but since we're on the subject, I asked because this is who I am (submissive) and was wanting input about how other people handle these situations since I've not actually faced them myself. I was merely curious about the different dynamics, is all. But again, thanks.

Bent said:

Thank you for your response, but I do know that you survive in the real world, as do I. You presume, based on my activities on the GB that I'm here to mock you, but you couldn't be further from the truth.

Not that I should feel compelled, but since we're on the subject, I asked because this is who I am (submissive) and was wanting input about how other people handle these situations since I've not actually faced them myself. I was merely curious about the different dynamics, is all. But again, thanks.

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My answer was serious.

My relationships look like any other relationship. Except that I pay attention to stuff like how he likes his coffee, or take care of his house (so he doesn't need to hire a housekeeper), and I'm picky enough about my partners, that I feel comfortable giving The Man anything he wants [sexually].

The fact that my personal relations ships are healthy and fulfilling (for myself and my partner), has nothing to do with my professional life, my social life (outside of my relationship), how I parent, etc. My personal life isn't anyone's business, so I don't discuss it with people who have no business knowing about it.

CutieMouse said:

My answer was serious.

My relationships look like any other relationship. Except that I pay attention to stuff like how he likes his coffee, or take care of his house (so he doesn't need to hire a housekeeper), and I'm picky enough about my partners, that I feel comfortable giving The Man anything he wants [sexually].

The fact that my personal relations ships are healthy and fulfilling (for myself and my partner), has nothing to do with my professional life, my social life (outside of my relationship), how I parent, etc. My personal life isn't anyone's business, so I don't discuss it with people who have no business knowing about it.

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Thank you, that was very helpful. I often struggle with feeling like I'm doing life wrong in everyone else's eyes...what if they knew, are they secretly judging me? I find I'm happiest in moments of submission...it's taken me many years to come to this realization. Anyway, I appreciate your honesty.

I just noticed this thread and thought I'd do some shameless plugging and point you to the link in my sig. I made that thread to show how diverse the relationships are here. It might give you some insight into how many of us conduct ourselves and our relationships and what it's like for us.

Edited to add the link. I've been here for over a year now and still forget that options like turning off AVs or sigs exist. -_-;;

Wonderful, miserable, boring, compelling, and everything in between. Just like anything else.

I am still learning more and more about it. But I do know that no two are the same. Every relationship is different. It depends on the needs and wants of each partner involved. Whatever is discussed between the two. There are many different levels of the lifestyle. So you can't narrow it down to one or two. That's impossible.

There's aspects of it I like,and there's aspects I don't like,I have learned a lot in the last month about it and continue to learn.I can make better choices for myself this way. To each their own...Whatever that may be

MeekMe said:

I just noticed this thread and thought I'd do some shameless plugging and point you to the link in my sig. I made that thread to show how diverse the relationships are here. It might give you some insight into how many of us conduct ourselves and our relationships and what it's like for us.

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Thank you! I'll have a look. I think my signature lines are off, so I don't see it, unfortunately, so I'll have to check my settings.

SassyKatz71 said:

I am still learning more and more about it. But I do know that no two are the same. Every relationship is different. It depends on the needs and wants of each partner involved. Whatever is discussed between the two. There are many different levels of the lifestyle. So you can't narrow it down to one or two. That's impossible.

There's aspects of it I like,and there's aspects I don't like,I have learned a lot in the last month about it and continue to learn.I can make better choices for myself this way. To each their own...Whatever that may be

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I completely agree, I was just curious as to what the dynamics are for most people. As stated above you, I've no doubt it can be all those things and more. This is just an aspect I'm beginning to embrace which has always been part of me, but as I'm sure some know, society isn't as welcoming to the opposite of it's expectations of who, what or how one might be.

I thought your question was interesting......

Bent said:

I completely agree, I was just curious as to what the dynamics are for most people. As stated above you, I've no doubt it can be all those things and more. This is just an aspect I'm beginning to embrace which has always been part of me, but as I'm sure some know, society isn't as welcoming to the opposite of it's expectations of who, what or how one might be.

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And so I'll answer it.
I'm married to a vanilla husband. 3 1/2 years ago I had a sexual reawakening and prior to that I was just as vanilla. After my epiphany I found myself to be a very kinky woman who sought to experience what I didn't have in my relationship with my Husband. I love him but he does not satisfy my needs. I tried to stay faithful but realized that I needed more. Also I'm in my fifties and I did not want to have lived my life without experiencing things that were important to me. So I've tried lots of things and found out I'm a switch. I've had the pleasure of having a sub in RL and many online. I've been both a Domme and a sub online at times. I've learned a lot about what I love and need and what I enjoy when I play.
Now I have a RL Dom/sub relationship with a man who's very experienced he's been in the lifestyle for over 30 years and I enjoy our time together. It's been a fun time learning over the 3 1/2 years and I'm still learning. It's a great life and I'm enjoying it to the fullest!

dreamykitten2 said:

And so I'll answer it.
I'm married to a vanilla husband. 3 1/2 years ago I had a sexual reawakening and prior to that I was just as vanilla. After my epiphany I found myself to be a very kinky woman who sought to experience what I didn't have in my relationship with my Husband. I love him but he does not satisfy my needs. I tried to stay faithful but realized that I needed more. Also I'm in my fifties and I did not want to have lived my life without experiencing things that were important to me. So I've tried lots of things and found out I'm a switch. I've had the pleasure of having a sub in RL and many online. I've been both a Domme and a sub online at times. I've learned a lot about what I love and need and what I enjoy when I play.
Now I have a RL Dom/sub relationship with a man who's very experienced he's been in the lifestyle for over 30 years and I enjoy our time together. It's been a fun time learning over the 3 1/2 years and I'm still learning. It's a great life and I'm enjoying it to the fullest!

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That's terrific that you've found someone to share that aspect of you. I am only assuming here, that you had shared with your husband what you enjoy and it just wasn't something he fully 'understood' (?). I can see where you would seek the company of someone who did not only accept you, but also fulfill those needs in you and you them. I personally, know in my soul that I couldn't be happy being anything other than submissive. I don't know why I know that, I just do. I really do appreciate everyone's input. This is not new to me, just new to me being open about it.

Bent said:

I completely agree, I was just curious as to what the dynamics are for most people. As stated above you, I've no doubt it can be all those things and more. This is just an aspect I'm beginning to embrace which has always been part of me, but as I'm sure some know, society isn't as welcoming to the opposite of it's expectations of who, what or how one might be.

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True though I could care less what society thinks of me and my choices haha I want to live for me now.Not for everyone else .I know I have so much more to learn,experience and Things I want to try . This is my way of finding myself again. I have learned I could be a switch. But lean more towards a subs tendencies.though not sure if it's possible for me to be a full sub. So I'll continue to learn until I figure myself out.
I've had these tendencies since I was young. I never realized it til last year,as I lay contemplating my whole life . And how I was as a child,a teen and an adult. Always feeling unfulfillled,like I wasn't whole. Always searching but never finding what I sought.
Past relationships were always lacking in "something" . Even trying to discuss my want and needs was hard cause I was understood. Accused of being clingy, too open minded etc. So never thinking about it again, until the last 5 year's.Life changed,so did I.And I lost who I was in the process of being everyone's backbone ,becoming so detached from people.closing myself off from more hurt and tbh, even contemplated suicide. Losing myself completely. Building my life back up has been difficult. But I won't give up.
I'm just bouncing back slower than I used to.
In this I found a pull towards the unknown,yet known . I know what I like in the areas of sexuality. Bus never finding one I could trust completely with my body and my soul, so I may explore and mme maybe feel whole .

Why don't people who want to know more about it do some research on the lifestyle and figure it out on your own ? That way it can be tailored to what your into and not what someone else is into. Therefore learning on your own what it's like.
find a partner willing to explore with you.Then you will know, once you have all the knowledge and experience you want. It's a process best learned first hand

SassyKatz71 said:

Why don't people who want to know more about it do some research on the lifestyle and figure it out on your own ? That way it can be tailored to what your into and not what someone else is into. Therefore learning on your own what it's like.
find a partner willing to explore with you.Then you will know, once you have all the knowledge and experience you want. It's a process best learned first hand

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Doing research includes asking questions. Most of the topics here wouldn't be here without asking questions. Even simple questions like "what's it like to...?" It's difficult for some that have been here a long time to continue to explain over and over the same thing. In that case, linking an established thread and letting new members answer with a fresh perspective could be a great way to get people involved.

When people ask questions like this, they are attempting to get an idea. Normally I've seen lots of people interpret that into whatever they need for themselves. I encourage people to ask questions because there's a difference in reading a how to book and getting personal experiences of what worked and what didn't. There's also the ability to add follow up questions and bounce ideas around.

I'd rather people ask here and get some insight before they start exploring with the partner.

MeekMe said:

Doing research includes asking questions. Most of the topics here wouldn't be here without asking questions. Even simple questions like "what's it like to...?" It's difficult for some that have been here a long time to continue to explain over and over the same thing. In that case, linking an established thread and letting new members answer with a fresh perspective could be a great way to get people involved.

When people ask questions like this, they are attempting to get an idea. Normally I've seen lots of people interpret that into whatever they need for themselves. I encourage people to ask questions because there's a difference in reading a how to book and getting personal experiences of what worked and what didn't. There's also the ability to add follow up questions and bounce ideas around.

I'd rather people ask here and get some insight before they start exploring with the partner.

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All true and for some, it's best.I haven't asked many questions,maybe 1. There isn't anything wrong about asking you just have to ask the right people. For me,Maybe it's because I learn better on my own than,say,in a classroom. plus I love researching things

I too noticed some are alright with the questions and some are not. Which each point is understandable. for those who are interested in the lifestyle,They should ask lots of questions,whatever they may be. and for those who are experienced in the lifestyle for however amount of years, it can be tiresome for them to have be repetitive about such questions.
There is definitely plenty of insight here on the Lit site for whoever may want to know something. now that I know my way around the board better than when I first got here. It's a bit easier now to find the answers I look for.