How should I tell a girlfriend that I am bi?

I really need to be more discerning about the threads I respond to.
Some of them are just not worth the aggravation.
 
Let's start with the oblivious one:

pcarp said:
And we all know that every thing on Wikipedia is 100% correct. Well I guess you have the answers to the origin of all life if you have read Wikipedia. Why waste your time asking questions on this forum?

Really, Wikipedia isn't one hundred percent accurate. Oh, I didn't know that (sarcasm mode off). Yes, Pcarp, I know that site isn't always correct, so I lets see here
New World Encyclopedia's defination
This site has a better defination. In fact, this one definately works more in my favor.

As for asking questions, I think people misunderstood what I was asking more than anything. It's not a case if I tell her, it is more so how should I tell her and in what way should I tell her I am bisexual? My decision is made up, but I want to do it in the correct way instead of just blurting it out.


pcarp said:
Nuff said. But you go for it MoBiGuy.

Yeah, one guy's comment is suddenly the deal maker for you. Really, that's a bit lame.

WHEN you find a girlfriend, you be up front and honest with her as soon as you feel that emotional attraction. And WHEN you have that conversation, you come back here and tell us how fast she stopped taking your calls.

Did you even read Stella's post? Hell, we even had some girls come on here and say women think a bisexual boyfriend as being a bit kinky. Every woman is different like how every man is. It would get boring if we ALL thought the same llike you, wouldn't it? Yes, there is the possibility that she would break up with me and drag my name in through the dirt, but it's a fate that I have to take.

There are a lot of more important things to share than the fact that you have fantasies about things you haven't and may never do, but what do we know?

It's more then mere fantasies. I have alot of emotions about the whole thing, so it's not merely me thinking about a naked man or woman while touching myself.

Now, my last question for this thread: If you don't want to at least listen to the answers you get in this thread, then why did you bother to ask? Sounds to me that you got all pumped up with yourself and wanted to show the world what a great person you are (or at least think you are). You weren't prepared to learn that some people think you are not only wrong but bordering

Answers, bullshit. you gave me a weak statement than bashed me, my family, and my intelligence. True, some of my answers to others have been snarky, but it seems more like I am being scorned by other people on this thread because I am a virgin. I even started a thread a few years ago which focus on this very subject:
A bisexual virgin?, which was far more supportive than some of the comments on this thread dealing with my sexuality.

No, I don't think I am perfect. I am flawed individual like everyone else. Still, I don't see how I am wrong because it's my opinion. I also have an asshole, so what else is there to prove? Also, how am I bordering? Don't you mean boring. Ah, fuck it, I just block you, it save me some headaches.

Moving on....


silverwhiser said:
ok, biguy: ultimately, if you wind up in a relationship with someone, i fully agree with you that disclosure is important. however, as you think about such things, consider that it may be a boyfriend to whom you'll have to disclose this. :>

while pcarp is nominally right that wikis aren't 100% factual, the broader point that you're making makes sense to me.

[shrug]

Ah, much better comment than any of pcarp's comments. Still, out of curiousity, what makes you think I fancy men over women?

softbuzz said:
I really need to be more discerning about the threads I respond to.
Some of them are just not worth the aggravation.

My statement was a bit harsh, and I apologzie. I was just a bit pissed after what pcarp said, and the emotions just flow into my comment towards. Do I agree with your scenerio? It most likely could happen, though considering I do watch gay porn and do find other men attractive, I don't really see how I could be revolted by touching a man or him touching me.
 
i would submit that you've misread me. since you're self-describing as bi, would it not make sense that there's also the possibility you might be in a relationship with a man?

ed
 
Ok, Pcarp has been put on Ignore. Good, I don't to read his stupid posts anymore.

Alright, since I believe that my message was a bit worded, maybe I could try to ask it in a more direct, simple way.

When would be a good time to tell my future girlfriend that I am bisexual? I know enough to know that I shouldn't be just blurting it out on a first date or anything, but my general issue is basically how should I go about it?
 
This is an issue of personal safety, to start off with. If you really think your girlfriend would be prejudiced and you live in a region where people hurt LGBT people, I can understand wanting to protect yourself. Under those circumstances, you have to do whatever you feel is safest for you. I don't want you to be the victim of a hate crime! Safety first and foremost.

I know the emotional backlash could be upsetting, but you have a right to be out and your girlfriend has a right to know. If your girlfriend turns out to be homophobic (or biphobic, if we want to be specific), that's not fair to you. In a worst case scenario, you're better off being free to be honest about who you are with someone else who accepts you for who you are.

Just be honest with your girlfriend and say what you said here. You've made some great points about wanting to be honest, communicative, and avoiding secrecy and mistrust. Tell her that being bi is just who you are, and it doesn't change your feelings for her and you don't want her to be more masculine if she's afraid that's what your being bi means.

When or if you talk to her about being okay with having a threesome with another man, be sure to reassure her that there's no pressure. Men sometimes get too pushy when they talk about their fantasies and they forget about their partner's feelings and safety. Sharing fantasies is good, just let her know that she is all you want and need. If that's not true and you want more, remember to be fair to her and not pressure her; it just means it's time for you to move on.

I wish you luck if you decide to come out of the closet!

Hey all,

This is a bit of a follow-up to my "Should I tell her" thread I posted a year ago. I have reached the decision that whenever I find a girlfiend, and we get the point of falling in love, then I personally think I should tell her that I am bisexual virgin. While several people view this as being a bad idea, I also found a bunch more positive support. My heart tells me that is the right thing to do, I mean, it's a pretty big secret to keep from yourself. Also, having seen my parent's relationship destroyed by mistrust and lack of communication, it would make sense that I don't wish to follow that same path.

With that said, I still feel a bit uneasy telling my future girlfriend that I am bi. More so the whole "when should I do it?" and "how would it affect our relationship?"

First off, I don't want to make it seem like I am making a pass to sleep with other men since I wouldn't feel guilty because she knows that I am into them. To me, it's more about the honesty aspect than the sexual one. It doesn't mean that if she wants to experience it, I wouldn't say I wouldn't, but I don't want to cheat on her. I've seen how destructive cheating can be, and I don't want to put her through it, even if she gives me permission. Of course, with that said, I definately wouldn't mind if she invites a gay friend over for a show. I know contradictions, but isn't that true with everybody.

I'm also afraid of the emotional backlash if I do this. I mean, she might go apeshit on me, and drag my name through the dirt to hurt me. Or the fact that she might attempt to make herself more man-like to embrace my desires. I don't want a woman acting butch to make me attracted to her

So, with that said, I would like to see what you all would do?
 
I have read all of the responses to your initial request for suggestions as to what you should do about this big question in your life. I think you responded to some very sane balanced comments with arguement that doesn't support your interest in being bisexual. It strikes me that you are truly pre gay, and once you try it, you will forget about women altogether. You say that "when we get the point of falling in love, then I personally think I should tell her that I am bisexual virgin" You mean to tell me YOU will really be on the vertge of falling in love with a woman, or you feel SHE will be on the verge of falling in love with you and you want to tell her you are a bisexual virgin???? I mean let me get this straight (no pun intended) You have said that you watch gay porn and you are attracted to men....... then go for that..... stop fooling yourself that you really want a "relationship" with a woman.
I had an incredible love relationship with a wonderful beautiful woman, but she was so sexually experienced that if I didn't pretty much get it up on my own, she couldn't be bothered to put a lot of effort into getting me up and into it. She thought since I was not getting hard really quick, like all her other lovers, that I must be gay. I had a good woman friend tell me that since she had heard from this woman, our bedroom problems.... that perhaps I should try making love with a man. That idea repulsed me. Now, I had bi-sexual fantasies, that mostly had to do with oral sex. In other words .... sucking cock...... Fast forward ten years and I meet a couple that, as it turns out, the man is bi. His wife recruited me into a threesome with them. She did this by calling me into their bed one morning, ( I had stayed overnight in the other room after a party and in the middle of the night, she came in and gave me a blowjob) when I went into their room, she was sitting in between his legs and slowly sucking his cock, out to the tip and then really slowly going down the shaft till he had almost all of him in her mouth and throat...... an incredible sight..... His cock was big and hard and I lay there next to them watching....... since I was naked and I was now hard, he reached over and took my cock in his big warm hand..... I came immediately. Long story short, the three of us became lovers. He and I do not kiss, or fuck. He wanted to try it and do him and we did, I didn't care for it.....can't explain that.... just didn't work for me. I'd rather do that with a woman.
The idea that your fantasy of male to male sex could not be all you hoped it would be, plays out in that scenario. I tried something and didn't care for it. I have only done it once and have no plans to do it any more..... I get to suck his cock, share doing that with her, and she gets two to play with.... a perfect arrangement and very satisfying. We get together, even to this date and have good fun. (By the way, I recently mentioned to her that I wished I would have offered to suck him that morning and I always regretted I did not). It was months before we did a 69 and got that out of the way...... His is the only one I have ever had, and it is awesome.
With all that said..... I did have a woman friend who would come around and play with me occasionally. (I was not active with my couple at this time) She had a real hang up about catching stds and wouldn't open mouth kiss or let me lick her pussy at all..... It became a problem for me.....We were in my hot tub one day and she said she had a second clit. I asked her where and she pointed to the place above her two front teeth....... I commented, I know that you mean, I have sucked cock before, and I know how good it can be. She acted very shocked about this and asked if I wasn't worried about contracting some disease and I told her that the one man I had ever been with was clean and we had always done bloot tests before activity........ She left that day and I didn't hear from her for several months. I assumed that she was no longer interested in playing with me She did get back in touch, started coming over again, she had amazing breasts and she loved dragging them over my face, so how could I resist. I decided that she needed to know that I had other little kinks and told her that I would like to cum on her tits and then lick my cum off of them......I told her since I DID in fact like to suck cock that it didn't bother me to eat my own cum...... She came over, we used a toy to fuck her with, I fingered her to about five orgasms and then she stroked me and I came on her tits.... then I licked them up...... thats the last time I ever saw her.......I would imagine that she told people that I am gay and like to lick my own cum..... who cares?
If anyone ever was to imply that I am gay and I discovered they knew her, I would quite honestly say that I told her this to get rid of her. It worked.
I just guess you don't want to hear anyone tell you that until you try it, you simply do not know..... There is a thread here called "Men, have you sucked a cock today"? I suggest you read it and if it turns you on like it does a lot of the guys on it.... then you should find a man and try it before you go telling some poor lady who might be falling in love with you that you are a bisexual virgin. I personally think you are more gay than bi, because you so vigorously defend you right to "declare" you are bi. Try it and see if it fits.
Best of Luck.

Also, I think you should understand that all these folks have tried to give you some solid advice and you should appreciate that, if you don't like what they say..... let it go.... I think they all have a lot more experience than you. Even the bankrobbing comparison, while really strange had good intentions.
 
Also, I think you should understand that all these folks have tried to give you some solid advice and you should appreciate that, if you don't like what they say..... let it go.... I think they all have a lot more experience than you. Even the bankrobbing comparison, while really strange had good intentions.

Joe, he doesn't want "advice" if it differs from his own idea of what must be correct. He is only looking for someone to hold his hand and give him the strength to accomplish a goal that he has no idea when or if it will occur.
As you and others have pointed out he is worried about something that may not occur since, as you put it, he is probably "pre gay", an option I never considered.
There are way too many "I told my significant other" threads that end poorly that I stand by my original advice but who cares since this immature uh....person from Missouri isn't reading my posts anymore anyway.
 
Where exactly did I say that? Does illiteracy run in your family or what? I guess when intelligence fails, you just resort to name calling?

Pcarp, I'm with Missouri on this. Your sexuality pervades practically every other aspect of life. You don't get to choose that, you don't get to act out on it on a whim a la robbing your local bank. You don't 'plan out' sexuality like a bank job. It is not some 'thing' you conscioulsy do. It CHOOSES YOU. Frankly, your analogy is ridiculous IMO.

Since the foundation for any relationship worth its salt is based on honesty and trust, advising 'don't sweat the little things' when it comes to sexuality is ridiculous.
 
I'm not stressing about anything really. Hell, with the rate of my social development, I probably be dead long before I even have sex with anybody. But, I still like to get a second opinion on many things.


However, let's put things in a bit of perspection. I don't consider myself bi-curious or straight, but curious. Personally, I think that is a load of shit! The defination of bisexuality is a romantic or sexual attraction or behavior towards men and women. Within that defination, I am technically bisexual, because I am attracted in both men and women. No where does the statement on Wikipedia says that I have fuck a guy or girl to make sure, because I know that I am attracted to both.

And, as for the getting nervous/sick thing that softbuzz brought up, I view it this way, you are going to be nervous either way.

Missouri - have you had sex with a girl? If you don't mind me asking?
 
I have read all of the responses to your initial request for suggestions as to what you should do about this big question in your life. I think you responded to some very sane balanced comments with arguement that doesn't support your interest in being bisexual. It strikes me that you are truly pre gay, and once you try it, you will forget about women altogether. You say that "when we get the point of falling in love, then I personally think I should tell her that I am bisexual virgin" You mean to tell me YOU will really be on the vertge of falling in love with a woman, or you feel SHE will be on the verge of falling in love with you and you want to tell her you are a bisexual virgin???? I mean let me get this straight (no pun intended) You have said that you watch gay porn and you are attracted to men....... then go for that..... stop fooling yourself that you really want a "relationship" with a woman..

I have to edit down your post, because I mostly felt it was just rambling about inane stuff, and the fact you didn't space your paragraphs make it very hard to read. Also, it's just want too long, especially since you could've put simply "I don't think you are bi, I think you are pre-gay, and just in denial".

Now, let me drill little holes in your theory. Yes, I watch gay porn, so what! Hell, there are women on here who watch male to male pornography. Porn isn't a definate on your sexuality. Hell, I started a thread about it a while back. As for who I am attracted to, I know damn well that I am attracted to men AND women. Hell, I think about eating a girl's pussy and fucking, as well as doing things with a guy.

True, I have run scenerios in my head about the subject and even question myself. But, I always have wondering eye on the ladies, and I find them attractive. The same with men. And I am pretty sure that when I sleep with a woman, I will definately enjoy it. Same with another man.

There are different levels of bisexuality. I mean, some guys are more into just cocks and oral sex, while others want to be just tops or bottoms, and, again, others consider themselves versatile

The reason I have to defend myself is because people don't seem to want to believe you can be bisexual and a virgin. Hell, if I identify myself straight or gay, this wouldn't be a fucking issue. All it makes you sound like is a bisexual hater, though sounds like had a encounter.


Exquisition said:
Missouri - have you had sex with a girl? If you don't mind me asking?

I don't mind, and yes, I am. Rather pathetic, huh?
 
I have to edit down your post, because I mostly felt it was just rambling about inane stuff, and the fact you didn't space your paragraphs make it very hard to read. Also, it's just want too long, especially since you could've put simply "I don't think you are bi, I think you are pre-gay, and just in denial".

Now, let me drill little holes in your theory. Yes, I watch gay porn, so what! Hell, there are women on here who watch male to male pornography. Porn isn't a definate on your sexuality. Hell, I started a thread about it a while back. As for who I am attracted to, I know damn well that I am attracted to men AND women. Hell, I think about eating a girl's pussy and fucking, as well as doing things with a guy.

True, I have run scenerios in my head about the subject and even question myself. But, I always have wondering eye on the ladies, and I find them attractive. The same with men. And I am pretty sure that when I sleep with a woman, I will definately enjoy it. Same with another man.

There are different levels of bisexuality. I mean, some guys are more into just cocks and oral sex, while others want to be just tops or bottoms, and, again, others consider themselves versatile

The reason I have to defend myself is because people don't seem to want to believe you can be bisexual and a virgin. Hell, if I identify myself straight or gay, this wouldn't be a fucking issue. All it makes you sound like is a bisexual hater, though sounds like had a encounter.




I don't mind, and yes, I am. Rather pathetic, huh?

Missouri - as the saying goes "Don't die wondering." You owe it to yourself to find out who and what you are IMO - and all the books, porn and thoughts running through your mind, gay or straight won't subsitute for experience and reality.

I'm in my 40;s and was abused by by mother which has had a profound affect on my sexuality. I;m only just beginning to comprehend and understand this. Right now, I don;t know if I;m coming or going when it comes to my sexuality. One thing I do accept, though, is that for me to even BE on this board is a testament to my curiosity which can;t be denied. Everyone's journey is as unique as their fingerprint and the 'advice' profered by those whether it comes from a desire to help or sermonise is no substitute for your own reality and experience.

You mention that you started a similar thread over a year ago - that suggests to me that you are stuck in a loop. It's not easy - but ask yourself this, will you be starting a similar thread in a year's time asking the same sort of question?

Sometimes, it's better to quiet the mind and take control of your own destiny but it;s your life. Do what;s right for you and only you.
 
I have read all of the responses to your initial request for suggestions as to what you should do about this big question in your life. I think you responded to some very sane balanced comments with arguement that doesn't support your interest in being bisexual. It strikes me that you are truly pre gay, and once you try it, you will forget about women altogether. You say that "when we get the point of falling in love, then I personally think I should tell her that I am bisexual virgin" You mean to tell me YOU will really be on the vertge of falling in love with a woman, or you feel SHE will be on the verge of falling in love with you and you want to tell her you are a bisexual virgin???? I mean let me get this straight (no pun intended) You have said that you watch gay porn and you are attracted to men....... then go for that..... stop fooling yourself that you really want a "relationship" with a woman.
I had an incredible love relationship with a wonderful beautiful woman, but she was so sexually experienced that if I didn't pretty much get it up on my own, she couldn't be bothered to put a lot of effort into getting me up and into it. She thought since I was not getting hard really quick, like all her other lovers, that I must be gay. I had a good woman friend tell me that since she had heard from this woman, our bedroom problems.... that perhaps I should try making love with a man. That idea repulsed me. Now, I had bi-sexual fantasies, that mostly had to do with oral sex. In other words .... sucking cock...... Fast forward ten years and I meet a couple that, as it turns out, the man is bi. His wife recruited me into a threesome with them. She did this by calling me into their bed one morning, ( I had stayed overnight in the other room after a party and in the middle of the night, she came in and gave me a blowjob) when I went into their room, she was sitting in between his legs and slowly sucking his cock, out to the tip and then really slowly going down the shaft till he had almost all of him in her mouth and throat...... an incredible sight..... His cock was big and hard and I lay there next to them watching....... since I was naked and I was now hard, he reached over and took my cock in his big warm hand..... I came immediately. Long story short, the three of us became lovers. He and I do not kiss, or fuck. He wanted to try it and do him and we did, I didn't care for it.....can't explain that.... just didn't work for me. I'd rather do that with a woman.
The idea that your fantasy of male to male sex could not be all you hoped it would be, plays out in that scenario. I tried something and didn't care for it. I have only done it once and have no plans to do it any more..... I get to suck his cock, share doing that with her, and she gets two to play with.... a perfect arrangement and very satisfying. We get together, even to this date and have good fun. (By the way, I recently mentioned to her that I wished I would have offered to suck him that morning and I always regretted I did not). It was months before we did a 69 and got that out of the way...... His is the only one I have ever had, and it is awesome.
With all that said..... I did have a woman friend who would come around and play with me occasionally. (I was not active with my couple at this time) She had a real hang up about catching stds and wouldn't open mouth kiss or let me lick her pussy at all..... It became a problem for me.....We were in my hot tub one day and she said she had a second clit. I asked her where and she pointed to the place above her two front teeth....... I commented, I know that you mean, I have sucked cock before, and I know how good it can be. She acted very shocked about this and asked if I wasn't worried about contracting some disease and I told her that the one man I had ever been with was clean and we had always done bloot tests before activity........ She left that day and I didn't hear from her for several months. I assumed that she was no longer interested in playing with me She did get back in touch, started coming over again, she had amazing breasts and she loved dragging them over my face, so how could I resist. I decided that she needed to know that I had other little kinks and told her that I would like to cum on her tits and then lick my cum off of them......I told her since I DID in fact like to suck cock that it didn't bother me to eat my own cum...... She came over, we used a toy to fuck her with, I fingered her to about five orgasms and then she stroked me and I came on her tits.... then I licked them up...... thats the last time I ever saw her.......I would imagine that she told people that I am gay and like to lick my own cum..... who cares?
If anyone ever was to imply that I am gay and I discovered they knew her, I would quite honestly say that I told her this to get rid of her. It worked.
I just guess you don't want to hear anyone tell you that until you try it, you simply do not know..... There is a thread here called "Men, have you sucked a cock today"? I suggest you read it and if it turns you on like it does a lot of the guys on it.... then you should find a man and try it before you go telling some poor lady who might be falling in love with you that you are a bisexual virgin. I personally think you are more gay than bi, because you so vigorously defend you right to "declare" you are bi. Try it and see if it fits.
Best of Luck.

Also, I think you should understand that all these folks have tried to give you some solid advice and you should appreciate that, if you don't like what they say..... let it go.... I think they all have a lot more experience than you. Even the bankrobbing comparison, while really strange had good intentions.

There is no way for anyone to know what they are until they actually explore things, that I'll grant you, but I think your post is promulgating as truth a lot of half truths and downright untruths based on my own experiences, that include actually reading the literature of sex and sexuality. A women who says a man who can't get it up for her must be gay doesn't sound like a font of wisdom, she sounds like an arrogant, narcisstic person who can't believe the world doesn't rely around her (a guy might not be able to get it up around her when he figures out what a self centered bitch she is, or he may have drank too much, or have ed issues.......).

I dont' disagree that if he is a bi virgin, that if all he has done is fantasize about being with men, that until he goes there he won't really know, and that is true, but it is just as likely he will find it is a fantasy but in real life isn't interested as it would be he was interested, and a lot less likely that he is truly gay. Yes, sometimes people suppress being gay, fool themselves into thinking they are straight and so forth, but that by no means is guaranteed.

To say someone who defends his right to be bi, to come out about it, must be gay is quite frankly ignorant nonsense, it is like people who claim a bi person is really gay, that there is no such thing, and that is sexual knowledge in a place like Poland, not reality (and before someone gives me a hard time for mentioning Poland, it is one of the most regressive places to be gay in Europe, and the culture and the law makes dissemination of the realities of sex very difficult, thanks to Ma Church).

My take is the OP is a bit on the young side and is an honest person who wants to do the right thing. My take on it would be he shouldn't be so eager to broadcast it to a potential love interest, not because it isn't the right thing to do per se, but because he obviously doesn't know what he is, whether he even is bi or if he is like some guys, get off on the idea of having sex with a man but when push comes to shove, so to speak, finds out he isn't interested.

Missouri guy, it is okay to call yourself bi if you want, labels are all self made, but I think you need to explore it to really find what you need and what you are. It would be kind of silly to tell a gal you are bi and then find out it is all fantasy for you, jerk off material, until you know what you need you can't really say what you are.

Look, a lot of M to F trans girls start out identifying as cross dressers and the like, they think it is just a fetish or a hobby or whatever, but then if they actually explore it, they may find out it is deeper then that. Likewise, men who identify as M to F trans, when they actually explore in depth, go out a lot presenting, go through the support groups and electrolysis and such, and especially when they start hormones, find out they aren't what they thought they were, it is a process.

Finding out what you are sexually is also a process. My therapist had a patient, a well known entertainer, who thought she might be gay because she had slept with some women and had had trouble with men, and my therapist, who is gay herself, told her she wasn't, that she was upset at her luck with men and thought because she enjoyed sex with women and couldn't find a good man, was gay. That is kind of like the old theory that gay women are gay because they have been abused, if that is true then the world would be full of gay women, but it isn't, having bad relationships with men is something a lot of women have.

If it seems strong to you, then I would recommend you explore your feelings and yes, try it out, and see if having sex with men is important, and then decide how important it is to you. Do you think if you are liking sex with men that it is something you want to do regularly? Can you not live without it? Then you would need to tell whoever you don't want an exclusive relationship and why, because cheating is not a good thing for any relationship. Maybe you will find you enjoy it, and hope if you end up with a woman that she understands and likes the idea and you can do threesomes, the point is knowledge is power..and yes, there is the possibility you will explore men, find yourself to be bi, but end up with a man in a relationship but want to be with a woman from time to time, that can happen, too.

But as Charlie Parker said about music "You can't put it through the horn unless you have lived it", you can't define who you are that way without exploring, because you don't know until you live and experience it. I thought I was a cross dresser, until I started dressing more and interacting with trans people, and figured out it was not what I thought, but I could theorize, I could read books and websites, but until I started actually presenting as a woman, interacting with people, doing things, did I figure out what was going on.
 
Missouri - as the saying goes "Don't die wondering." You owe it to yourself to find out who and what you are IMO - and all the books, porn and thoughts running through your mind, gay or straight won't subsitute for experience and reality.

I'm in my 40;s and was abused by by mother which has had a profound affect on my sexuality. I;m only just beginning to comprehend and understand this. Right now, I don;t know if I;m coming or going when it comes to my sexuality. One thing I do accept, though, is that for me to even BE on this board is a testament to my curiosity which can;t be denied. Everyone's journey is as unique as their fingerprint and the 'advice' profered by those whether it comes from a desire to help or sermonise is no substitute for your own reality and experience.

You mention that you started a similar thread over a year ago - that suggests to me that you are stuck in a loop. It's not easy - but ask yourself this, will you be starting a similar thread in a year's time asking the same sort of question?

Sometimes, it's better to quiet the mind and take control of your own destiny but it;s your life. Do what;s right for you and only you.

Missouriguy, listen to this thread, exquisite is dead on the mark, all the porn in the world, all the reading in the world, all of that is no substitute for experience, and if you read my other post I just put up, I am speaking from experience with my gender identity and where it went from. The fact that you are attracted to men and women, can fantasize about them is great, but that isn't reality and I think you are assuming that being bi is simply about being attracted, and it may not be,because you could very well be bi in fantasy and when the rubber hits the road, say "ya know, the reality is, does nothing for me".

And this is true of all kinds of sexuality, not just orientation. Lots of people fantasize about S/M scenes, about being tied down, whipped, etc, but if they do explore it, find out the reality of it, don't want to do it while still fantasizing about it. Women and men fantasize about anal sex, but when they try it, find out they don't like it and never try it again, and so forth.

An analogy I will use is you see a beautiful woman in a magazine ad, you feel attraction to her, you have lust for her, whatever, does that mean she is the perfect woman for you? You meet a gorgeous woman at a bar, you buy her drinks, talk to her, take her home, and find out she is dead in the sack, but you date her, and find out she is beautiful but boring, for all the attraction you had, you found the reality wasn't the image.

It is why I think the whole virginity at marriage is absolutely the worst idea religion ever came up with, if they are promoting lasting marriages and families, that is a great way not to do it, because sexual compatibility is a major, major factor, despite what the bible thumpers say, in keeping people together, people who know their sexual needs, can express them, and find someone who is compatible are a lot more likely to stick together then a couple who have never had sex, I don't care how much porn they have jerked off to, and then stumble trying to find what works.

I think others are very wise and I commend you for wanting to be honest, but honest about what? Does it make sense to tell a woman you are interested in (or man) you are bi if you arent even certain what that means? Being attracted to both sexes is technically bi, but operationally, you may find it is nothing more then a fantasy or something you might do in a threesome, and declaring you are bi when all it is is a fantasy seems like a drama you don't need to make. If on the other hand you have explored, and found you have a deep seated need to have sex with both sexes even in a relationship, that is definitely relevent, but you won't know that if you haven't gone there, and any therapist would tell you that. Kind of reminds me of "Deadliest Catch" on Discovery, where they have all these dudes who go to Alaska thinking they want to be deckhands on a crab boat and then when faced with the reality crumble, they would have told you they knew what they were getting into, were ready for it, for the challenge, but the reality was quite different, it is different watching it on tv and being on a ship in 30 foot waves with the temperature below zero and trying to haul in traps that weight a ton.

I am not saying it might not be wise to disclose you are bi, or even that you are in some way (and many people are, the difference is that among people who are potentially bi, who have same sex attractions, a lot of them never go near that, and true bisexuals, who swing either way, are quite rare, yet al are bi), I am saying you need to figure out what your bisexuality means, what you will need from it, before announcing it to a potential love interest, on the grounds it may not even be relevent if you find it is just fantasy. I also will add that coming out as bi even in this day and age can be risky, depending on where you live, in a state like Missouri for example you can be fired from a job in most places (not sure if any towns in Missouri have protections for lgbt people in employment, maybe St. Louis does) if it comes out you are lgbt and it is quite legal, and a gal with real problems with gays or bi's could make trouble for you, so if you are going to risk that, make sure it is over something important. It is like disclosing you are gay, going to the supermarket and telling a cashier you are gay is kind of silly, has no meaning, but if you tell loved ones or friends it has meaning. Make sure you bi'ness has relevance to the relationship you are pursuing before announcing it, that's all.

If you feel it is important even without exploring, being a 'bi virgin' (which is a valid term), then that is your right to do, even if I think personally it is premature, that is me. I just wanted to let you know that announcing you are bi before you actually explore bi sex, might be very premature,that's all, and why go through the drama of 'coming out' if in the end it is only fantasy?
 
njlauren said:
My take on it would be he shouldn't be so eager to broadcast it to a potential love interest, not because it isn't the right thing to do per se, but because he obviously doesn't know what he is, whether he even is bi or if he is like some guys, get off on the idea of having sex with a man but when push comes to shove, so to speak, finds out he isn't interested.

njlauren said:
Missouri guy, it is okay to call yourself bi if you want, labels are all self made, but I think you need to explore it to really find what you need and what you are. It would be kind of silly to tell a gal you are bi and then find out it is all fantasy for you, jerk off material, until you know what you need you can't really say what you are.

njlauren said:
I just wanted to let you know that announcing you are bi before you actually explore bi sex, might be very premature,that's all, and why go through the drama of 'coming out' if in the end it is only fantasy?

Excellent advice (and said by many already), but he won't like it...or accept it. For some reason it seems he has a need to be accepted for being something that at this point he really isn't sure he is.


Exquisition said:
Your sexuality pervades practically every other aspect of life.
Huh? Life pervades practically every aspect of life, not sex. If you can not function at work because of your sex life, sexual orientation, sexual perversions, sexual limitations, sexual disfunction or sexual anything else then you have issues way beyond trying to decide if you are straight, bi, gay, celibate, a sexual or just plain freaky. If you forget to call mom on her birthday because you are preoccupied with sex that is one thing but if sex saturates your every waking moment you have issues.

Look at all the single people you work around. Do you KNOW what their sexual orientation is? No. Does it pervade your every moment with them? Does it affect (or is it effect?) your dealing with them, wondering? "Gee is she gay or straight? Does he go home to a guy or a gal friend?" How does your sexual orientation pervade your daily routine? It is what it is. Are you different at the grocery store if you are gay? Does being bi cause you to buy less pasta and more vegetables? Can you tell the orientation of the guy bagging your groceries by the way he handles your bell peppers?

The only way sex "pervades" any aspect of life is the anticipation of getting some, but your "sexuality" does not alter your daily routine in life. Some of you seem to believe that this world revolves around your "sexuality". How does being bi, gay or straight make every aspect of your life any different from the people who fit into one of the other categories? If you aren't sleeping with me, I couldn't care what your sexuality is, and if you aren't sleeping with me, then you have no need to know what my sexuality is. And if I haven't ever slept with another guy (or girl) and I have such a strong desire to do so that it really does affect and pervade my every waking moment to the degree of not being able to function normally as a person (and I am past the teenage years), then I need to either get laid or seek professional help.
 
Excellent advice (and said by many already), but he won't like it...or accept it. For some reason it seems he has a need to be accepted for being something that at this point he really isn't sure he is.



Huh? Life pervades practically every aspect of life, not sex. If you can not function at work because of your sex life, sexual orientation, sexual perversions, sexual limitations, sexual disfunction or sexual anything else then you have issues way beyond trying to decide if you are straight, bi, gay, celibate, a sexual or just plain freaky. If you forget to call mom on her birthday because you are preoccupied with sex that is one thing but if sex saturates your every waking moment you have issues.

Look at all the single people you work around. Do you KNOW what their sexual orientation is? No. Does it pervade your every moment with them? Does it affect (or is it effect?) your dealing with them, wondering? "Gee is she gay or straight? Does he go home to a guy or a gal friend?" How does your sexual orientation pervade your daily routine? It is what it is. Are you different at the grocery store if you are gay? Does being bi cause you to buy less pasta and more vegetables? Can you tell the orientation of the guy bagging your groceries by the way he handles your bell peppers?

The only way sex "pervades" any aspect of life is the anticipation of getting some, but your "sexuality" does not alter your daily routine in life. Some of you seem to believe that this world revolves around your "sexuality". How does being bi, gay or straight make every aspect of your life any different from the people who fit into one of the other categories? If you aren't sleeping with me, I couldn't care what your sexuality is, and if you aren't sleeping with me, then you have no need to know what my sexuality is. And if I haven't ever slept with another guy (or girl) and I have such a strong desire to do so that it really does affect and pervade my every waking moment to the degree of not being able to function normally as a person (and I am past the teenage years), then I need to either get laid or seek professional help.

If thoughts of sex or sexuality cause you to have trouble with daily functioning, then yes, it is a problem, in the DSM things like being gay or BD/SM or crossdressing or fetishes are not considered problems unless they interfere with normal functioning, and you are correct.

On the other hand, orientation is part of who we are, it influences a lot of things, it is only because being straight is so dominant that we don't think about it. Families and relationships are defined by your orientation and I have often heard straight people, especially right wing types, complain about gays 'throwing it in their faces' and the like. What they don't realize is in the course of the day they do that, to, when you talk about husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, if you wear a wedding ring, if you have water cooler discussions about the hot babe you were out with last night or you make references to something in your married life (like groaning when your spouse calls to complain about something), it is all your orientation interacting with your daily lives. Sexuality is part of our lives in many ways, the kind of clothing we wear, women wearing makeup and heels, men showing off bodies in tight clothing, all are aspects of that, but the orientation is even more part of our lives, because we think about those we are with, we think about last night, we think about sex last night, and we have signs of our relationships around us or we talk about it.....and to someone who is gay or bi, that is true, too, but unlike straights, a lot of that is 'keep it to yourselves', and that is a problem as well. If a straight guy wears a wedding ring or has pictures of his wife and family on his desk or talks about the family vacation, that is orientation on display, if guys or gals on a night out talk about someone they had sex with last night (and yes, folks women do that), it is the orientation on display, too.

I don't think Pcarp was referring to this directly, but it is a place where your orientation does pervade your life, sexuality might night, orientation def does.
 
Joe, he doesn't want "advice" if it differs from his own idea of what must be correct. He is only looking for someone to hold his hand and give him the strength to accomplish a goal that he has no idea when or if it will occur.
As you and others have pointed out he is worried about something that may not occur since, as you put it, he is probably "pre gay", an option I never considered.
There are way too many "I told my significant other" threads that end poorly that I stand by my original advice but who cares since this immature uh....person from Missouri isn't reading my posts anymore anyway.

Weren't you the one who called me stupid after I didn't agree with your comments? Hell, no one has really supported your views. Does that make them stupid too? Yes, I decided to stop ignoring you, because really, it wouldn't be fair to other people. But, do I agree with any of your statements. No way I do at all. As for the namecalling, it was a low point in the conversation, but I was mad. Let's face it, when you aren't thinking in a logical way, it works.

Ok, Pcarp, let's just bury the hatchet. You have some good and bad points, and I was being rather hard headed.

True, I overreacted, but who wouldn't after being told by people who hardly know me that I'm not what/who I thought I was. Today, it left me pretty down in the dumps. However, I do realize alot of things about me.

I consider myself bisexual because I have desires of having sex with men and women, in which both genders I am attracted to. As I stated earlier, the fact that I am a virgin shouldn't really matter. If I was straight or gay, this wouldn't be a big deal. But, it seems like the fact that I identify as Bi is what people are focusing on.

Do I have doubts on my sexuality? To be perfectly honest, yes I do. I have done the mental war of "am I gay or straight" for so long, it's gives me a headache. This whole scenerio doesn't help things. Sometimes, I watch so much gay porn that I think I am gay, but I tend to seem to look at women more in public (as well as men). However, I am pretty sure I am bi, and would like to have a MMF threesome. If I don't like it, well, it proves your points.

Personally, njlauren (though he overanalyzed it a bit much) & Exquisition have some good points.

However, I think everyone is just overthinking this stuff, and this thread has turn from how should I tell my girlfriend that I am bi to is Missouribiguy truly bi or is he pre-gay?
 
If thoughts of sex or sexuality cause you to have trouble with daily functioning, then yes, it is a problem, in the DSM things like being gay or BD/SM or crossdressing or fetishes are not considered problems unless they interfere with normal functioning, and you are correct.

FWIW, the DSM boilerplate for that is that these can only be diagnosed as a 'disorder' if: "The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. " (Excepting homosexuality, which is no longer in DSM at all AFAIK - they watered it down in the late '70s and removed it altogether some time after that.)

It's well-intended but I still find it very problematic, because it means that a trans/BDSM/etc person who might be happy and healthy today suddenly becomes "disordered" tomorrow if intolerant bigots decide to give them grief that leads to "distress in social areas of functioning".
 
Excellent advice (and said by many already), but he won't like it...or accept it. For some reason it seems he has a need to be accepted for being something that at this point he really isn't sure he is.



Huh? Life pervades practically every aspect of life, not sex. If you can not function at work because of your sex life, sexual orientation, sexual perversions, sexual limitations, sexual disfunction or sexual anything else then you have issues way beyond trying to decide if you are straight, bi, gay, celibate, a sexual or just plain freaky. If you forget to call mom on her birthday because you are preoccupied with sex that is one thing but if sex saturates your every waking moment you have issues.

Look at all the single people you work around. Do you KNOW what their sexual orientation is? No. Does it pervade your every moment with them? Does it affect (or is it effect?) your dealing with them, wondering? "Gee is she gay or straight? Does he go home to a guy or a gal friend?" How does your sexual orientation pervade your daily routine? It is what it is. Are you different at the grocery store if you are gay? Does being bi cause you to buy less pasta and more vegetables? Can you tell the orientation of the guy bagging your groceries by the way he handles your bell peppers?

The only way sex "pervades" any aspect of life is the anticipation of getting some, but your "sexuality" does not alter your daily routine in life. Some of you seem to believe that this world revolves around your "sexuality". How does being bi, gay or straight make every aspect of your life any different from the people who fit into one of the other categories? If you aren't sleeping with me, I couldn't care what your sexuality is, and if you aren't sleeping with me, then you have no need to know what my sexuality is. And if I haven't ever slept with another guy (or girl) and I have such a strong desire to do so that it really does affect and pervade my every waking moment to the degree of not being able to function normally as a person (and I am past the teenage years), then I need to either get laid or seek professional help.

You're an arrogant prick. Nuff said. Some advice - when someone is obviously asking for help on something sensitive either stfu or be helpful. If your life and sexuality is so secure, fantastic, but please don't come on threads like this sermonising and spouting your BS as though you're somehow the fount of all knowledge and wisdom on the subject. there;s a lot to be said for being a little humble and empathetic sometimes.
 
You're an arrogant prick. Nuff said. Some advice - when someone is obviously asking for help on something sensitive either stfu or be helpful. If your life and sexuality is so secure, fantastic, but please don't come on threads like this sermonising and spouting your BS as though you're somehow the fount of all knowledge and wisdom on the subject. there;s a lot to be said for being a little humble and empathetic sometimes.

So, I'm not the only one who nerves he gets under. Feeling a bit vindicated in a way, though this is also making me sound like a a tool, especially trying to offer a olive branch.
 
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From burying the hatchet to jumping on the bandwagon..... Way to go dude.

But on to the main topic here. How do you tell her? Try being upfront and honest. Don't just throw it out there though, try to be subtle yet honest. If you two are out and you see her checking a dude out, give your honest opinion on him. If she asks you tell her the truth. IMHO your relationship is kind of stuck until you can be honest with her. If she is going to freak out about it then she wasn't the right one for you now was she? But you can't carry the relationship forward until you know if your being Bi is a deal breaker for her.
 
From burying the hatchet to jumping on the bandwagon..... Way to go dude.

But on to the main topic here. How do you tell her? Try being upfront and honest. Don't just throw it out there though, try to be subtle yet honest. If you two are out and you see her checking a dude out, give your honest opinion on him. If she asks you tell her the truth. IMHO your relationship is kind of stuck until you can be honest with her. If she is going to freak out about it then she wasn't the right one for you now was she? But you can't carry the relationship forward until you know if your being Bi is a deal breaker for her.

Well, I never said I was perfect. It's not like the guy will go peacefully anyway.

Other than the moral criticism above, pretty good advice. I probably do it like that.
 
honest

I would be honest about it, but maybe try and find someone that is open minded. Maybe a women thats bi as well. Thing of all the fun the two of you could have with others!!!

Hey all,

This is a bit of a follow-up to my "Should I tell her" thread I posted a year ago. I have reached the decision that whenever I find a girlfiend, and we get the point of falling in love, then I personally think I should tell her that I am bisexual virgin. While several people view this as being a bad idea, I also found a bunch more positive support. My heart tells me that is the right thing to do, I mean, it's a pretty big secret to keep from yourself. Also, having seen my parent's relationship destroyed by mistrust and lack of communication, it would make sense that I don't wish to follow that same path.

With that said, I still feel a bit uneasy telling my future girlfriend that I am bi. More so the whole "when should I do it?" and "how would it affect our relationship?"

First off, I don't want to make it seem like I am making a pass to sleep with other men since I wouldn't feel guilty because she knows that I am into them. To me, it's more about the honesty aspect than the sexual one. It doesn't mean that if she wants to experience it, I wouldn't say I wouldn't, but I don't want to cheat on her. I've seen how destructive cheating can be, and I don't want to put her through it, even if she gives me permission. Of course, with that said, I definately wouldn't mind if she invites a gay friend over for a show. I know contradictions, but isn't that true with everybody.

I'm also afraid of the emotional backlash if I do this. I mean, she might go apeshit on me, and drag my name through the dirt to hurt me. Or the fact that she might attempt to make herself more man-like to embrace my desires. I don't want a woman acting butch to make me attracted to her

So, with that said, I would like to see what you all would do?
 
I would be honest about it, but maybe try and find someone that is open minded. Maybe a women thats bi as well. Thing of all the fun the two of you could have with others!!!

Yeah, the thought has run through my head a bunch of times. And yes, it would be alot of fun.
 
Hey all,

This is a bit of a follow-up to my "Should I tell her" thread I posted a year ago. I have reached the decision that whenever I find a girlfiend, and we get the point of falling in love, then I personally think I should tell her that I am bisexual virgin. While several people view this as being a bad idea, I also found a bunch more positive support. My heart tells me that is the right thing to do, I mean, it's a pretty big secret to keep from yourself. Also, having seen my parent's relationship destroyed by mistrust and lack of communication, it would make sense that I don't wish to follow that same path.

With that said, I still feel a bit uneasy telling my future girlfriend that I am bi. More so the whole "when should I do it?" and "how would it affect our relationship?"

First off, I don't want to make it seem like I am making a pass to sleep with other men since I wouldn't feel guilty because she knows that I am into them. To me, it's more about the honesty aspect than the sexual one. It doesn't mean that if she wants to experience it, I wouldn't say I wouldn't, but I don't want to cheat on her. I've seen how destructive cheating can be, and I don't want to put her through it, even if she gives me permission. Of course, with that said, I definately wouldn't mind if she invites a gay friend over for a show. I know contradictions, but isn't that true with everybody.

I'm also afraid of the emotional backlash if I do this. I mean, she might go apeshit on me, and drag my name through the dirt to hurt me. Or the fact that she might attempt to make herself more man-like to embrace my desires. I don't want a woman acting butch to make me attracted to her

So, with that said, I would like to see what you all would do?



I don't want a woman acting butch to make me attracted to her
#

Isn't this what all bisexual men want? I would imagine they would want a woman to wear a strap-on, and fuck him senseless like a real man would.Don't most bisexual in fact prefer men both sexually, and emotionally? I mean as women an I would imagine so.In fact asked that question here on this forum, and the majority said men were better at everything sexually.When one gets into a relationship with a bisexual man,isn't the relationship one sided anyways? Honest question here.

Anyways, I would take her to a gay club, and start making out with a guy ass soon as I walk through the door.Or you could just start off slow, and ask about sexual desires.,while giving her a back massage.
 
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