The Saddest Anchor (closed for DeliciousMaiden)


"That is a very good question. To be honest I think I would feel better just knowing she's safe and happy. Of course there's some things I would like to say personally, but I can't talk to the air and pretend that she's there."


Sarah nodded. She could understand that. And having to go through an intermediary ... well, she didn't want to stand between husband and wife.

"I can imagine so many things, but that is one thing that eludes me, to imagine Grace sitting or standing there, listening to me... If I try I keep seeing her on that morgue slab, it's just not right. I want to remember her like in the pictures, not just remember the good times, but to see her laughing and smiling ... But all I keep seeing is the final result of it all."

Sarah hesitated, not quite knowing if she should tell him what she wanted to. Finally she took his hand and met his eyes praying that she was saying the right thing.

"Grace isn't like you saw her in that mortuary, Johnathan."

She told him carefully.

"She looks ... beautiful ... "

She wasn't sure if he flinched, but she grasped his hand tightly.

"She isn't happy, she's very sad. But I think that's because she's concerned about you."

She told him daring to hypothesise about his wife's feelings.

"She's not in pain and she's not injured. She is as you remember her.
And if there's anything I can do to allow you to see her as she is now, then I'll do it."


Sarah vowed.
 
He felt her hand holding his own, he looked at her as she seemed to describe Grace as she saw her, he was torn between wanting to believe her and the instant image that came to his mind, his Grace, broken and battered on the cold morgue slab, her face peaceful, her body not. He gave her hand a squeeze in return,

"Thank you, I do not want to distrust you, but...it's kind of hard to forget what I saw."

He gave a small smile,

"And I can guess she would be worried, that was quite a lot of liqueur I went through in a too short time. I believe my liver would have started to complain if I had kept going. I believe she can start to relax slightly now, I doubt I will return to that path anytime soon, I actually have some work to do...and hopefully friends to make."
 
"Thank you, I do not want to distrust you, but...it's kind of hard to forget what I saw."

She returned his smile. She could not claim to understand what he had been through, but she did understand how that last image of a loved one would be almost impossible to forget.

"And I can guess she would be worried, that was quite a lot of liqueur I went through in a too short time."

She raised her eyebrows as if to question, 'really'? in mock disbelief.

"I believe my liver would have started to complain if I had kept going.
I believe she can start to relax slightly now, I doubt I will return to that path anytime soon, I actually have some work to do...and hopefully friends to make."


She was pleased to hear that he was making plans and that he did not intend to go back to drinking as he had. It was all positive, even though she knew, he was still in grief stricken.

"I can't imagine how you feel Johnathan ... how much this must hurt ... "

She started hesitantly.

"And ... I know that I can't make any part of it better ... but ... for what it's worth ... I do care ... and I'm here ... at least for the next week or two ... "

She shrugged.

"And as you know I'm doing, I'm definitely not needed by anyone else around here ... "
 
For some strange reason her words created a void inside him, she had been his small anchor to sanity and now she was leaving as well. Two weeks...that was all the time he had left to try and find peace for his wife and himself. He got abruptly to his feet,

"I...have to go."

He didn't really notice the emotion his sudden declaration brought about, he paused at the door,

"Thank you for your time, I'm sure we can...uhm...make some time to talk again. If there's a bill I will settle it when you wish me to."

With that he left through the door and went downstairs, once outside the building he slipped on his sunglasses and looked up and down the street, various people looked curiously at him. He looked at them in return, making sure that they understood that what they whispered behind his back didn't faze him. He walked over to his car and unlocked the door
 
To say Sarah was shocked when Johnathan suddenly stood up was an understatement.

"I...have to go."

Before she had even had time to stand up herself he continued.

"Thank you for your time, I'm sure we can...uhm...make some time to talk again. If there's a bill I will settle it when you wish me to."


His words were like a slap in the face and left her stunned; so much so that it took her long minutes before she roused herself to make a move. Standing, she pulled open the door to her office and all but ran through the reception to burst outside to the street, pausing to catch her breath and to look up and down in search of him. She did not bother to hold back an expletive as she spotted him as he crossed the street, a fact that earned her more than a few dirty looks from the locals. But what did she care for their good opinion? She saw him open his car intent in driving away as quickly as possible. She knew that she was going to miss him if she didn't hurry.

Careless of what anyone would think, she shouted his name as he took off down the street. He hadn't heard her, he hadn't seen! Desperately she called out to him again.

"Johnathan!!!"

As she did so she knew that the only way to stop him was to get to him before he got in and sealed himself off from the world and from her.

She didn't see him turn towards her and see that it was she who had called out to him.
How could she when she didn't even see the oncoming car?
One minute she was running across the road and the next ...
There was a screech of breaks, shouting and screaming ...
She didn't even realise that the scream came from her.

And then there was ... nothing ...
 
Johnathan

The whisper was so insistant that he had to look behind him, there she stood, Grace. He turned, curious as to why there wasn't anybody around, only the cars and buildings...the scream brought the light flashing back so fast that he blinked. He heard the thump and when he opened his eyes he found Sarah laying on the ground in front of a car. He froze for only a moment, then he slammed the door close behind him and rushed over to her side. The driver was one of the younger men, he had gotten out, declaring in a warbling voice,

"She came out of nowhere, she came out of nowhere."

He repeated it like a Mantra, John ignored him for the moment, he checked for a pulse, found that it was there. He could see her breathing, though it was shallow those two was good signs. More people came closer,

"She came out of nowhere."

John got to his feet in a lunge, he had the young man by the throat and drove him on to the bonnet of his car, his fist cocked and ready,

"Say that one more time...say it!"

To say that silence was the result would have been correct, nobody uttered a word. Joihn lowered his fist,

"Judging by the skidmarks and damge to your grill, you were not sticking to the speed limit, so you will not tell anybody it's her fault."

With that he shoved away and knelt next to Sarah again, there was blood, but he judged that to be from impact on the tarmac. Footsteps came rushing closer,

"Make way! Make way!"

John stood up and backed away slightly when the docter and nurse came through the crowd. A few moments later he stated that she was in shock, but would need to get to a hospital,

"I'll take her, the ambulance will take too long."

The doctor barely looked at him, just nodded, John fetched his car and with help they managed to get Sarah in the back seat. Her head had been bandaged to stop the bleeding and her neck in a brace. The doctor had made sure of no spinal injuries before even trying to move her. All in all it seemed more like the most damage had been to her legs and head, the one hour drive took less than half an hour. The hospital staff had been warned of their arrival and managed to extract Sarah in quick and efficient time. It was a few hours later when Johnathan actually managed to regain his senses, he looked up at the man who had just spoken,

"Excuse me?"

"Are you Mr Moore?"

John nodded and got to his feet,

"The lady you brought in will be fine, she hace lacerations to her head, I believe a mild concussion and some heavy bruising. She will survive if that is what you were worried about."

John nodded,

"Thank you doctor."

"She's out of the ICU, you'll find her in room 7B."

John shook the doctor's hand and walked to the room indicated, there was two other patients, John ignored them, he walked over to where Sarah lay and stopped next to her bed, taking her hand in his own. Was this Grace's doing? Would his wife really go to such lengths? He could not...would not believe that. Grace never had any vindictiveness in her, she would never have done this...perhaps she wanted to warn him, to prevent Sarah to run in front of that car. But he had heard her too late. He rested his other hand over the back of Sarah's, it felt so cold, yet alive. His rational brain telling him it was the shock, the other brain making up wild fascinations.
 
Johnathan was by her side, searching for a pulse, his panic only mildly easing when he realised she was alive. But if she was, then why was she watching him as he leaned over her prostrate form, as he rounded on the driver?

"Say that one more time...say it! Judging by the skidmarks and damge to your grill,
you were not sticking to the speed limit, so you will not tell anybody it's her fault."


His threat of violence surprised Sarah.

”He couldn’t do that for me. Could never express all that anger.”

Sarah felt a hand in hers and turned her head away from the scene unfolding.

… Grace …


Bizzarely calm as the other woman held her hand, the two turned back to watch as the doctor and nurse arrived and busied themselves checking Sarah as she looked on.

”All that anger … it’s stopping him from moving on … stopping me … we need to say goodbye … need closure … “

In an instant Sarah understood. Slowly she nodded.

”Whatever you need … “

She agreed.

The two women embraced, the emotional and physical warmth bonding them.

”For Johnathan…”

The words left both their lips, but it was unclear who spoke them first...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She felt the light touch of his hand on hers, then felt him holding it. He didn’t speak and she wanted to. Wanted to open her eyes, to tell him that it was all going to be alright, but it was too much effort. Instead she contented herself with squeezing his fingers lightly knowing she could draw her strength from him if only he would realise that …

 
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He felt the hand squeeze his own and he sighed a breath of relief,

"Hey Sarah. The doctors said that you'll be a little banged up, but that you'll be OK. Sounds like you will be around for a little longer than you have thought."

He only became conscious then that there was other people in the room, to them he must have seemed like the appearance of some strange creature or perhaps even a celebrity, since he knew of the movie marathon and of course no marathon was complete without running a short bio of the author, actors and producers. He could understand how it should feel, you see the guy on television and when you go to visit your loved one, there he's standing holding the hand of an outsider.

He nodded to them and then looked back at Sarah, he sat down on the bed next to her, keeping his hold on her hand and not allowing it to go just yet. To say that it was a shock...that would have been the understatement of the decade. To see in real life an almost replica of the way his wife had been taken from him brought back a lot of the hurt and shock that he had tried so hard to suppress. He took a deep breath and looked at the woman whom he had at first dismissed so rudely from his life and yet now he found that he actually needed her. Not to talk to his wife, but on a completely different level.
 
"Hey Sarah. The doctors said that you'll be a little banged up, but that you'll be OK."

His voice sounded falsely upbeat, but the message was clear, no lasting damage.

"Sounds like you will be around for a little longer than you have thought."

Her mouth turned into a faint smile at the irony of his words, and immediately turned into a grimace as she gave a soft moan shocked by the pain that just that simple action caused. Her hand seemed to clasp his once more. At that moment it seemed the only way of communicating. But she couldn't let the moment pass and willed herself to gather her strength. Slowly, painfully she opened her eyes, blinking against the glare as they flickered to finally focus on him.

"You never said goodbye ... "

She accused softly.
 
For a moment those eyes seemed to be that of Grace, though he was more than certain that he had...he blinked and found that it was Sarah looking up at him, he gave her hand a gently squeeze,

"It seems like you really wanted to say good bye. Did you have a kiss you wanted to get rid of?"

He gave her a shaky smile,

"You really shouldn't have come running like that, it almost cost you much more than just a few bruises and a cracked skull."
 
"It seems like you really wanted to say good bye. Did you have a kiss you wanted to get rid of?"

She felt pulses race at his words and marvelled at the sensation which it seemed she had been without for so long. Johnathan, her Johnathan was clasping her hand and smiling shakily.

"You really shouldn't have come running like that, it almost cost you much more than just a few bruises and a cracked skull."

He had no idea just what this was costing either of them; had no idea how Sarah felt about him, she realised suddenly; not that Sarah herself even had any clue.

"You have to kiss me goodbye next time."

She told him with effort, tears brimming her eyes.

"But, I'm not ready to go yet ... "

She told him her own hand grasping that of her husband.
 
The voice was Sarah's, but the words, the timbre, it was so Grace, her fingers held his own tightly, there was a hint of desperation, like he should understand...

"...I am not ready to go yet..."

He looked at her again, and found that inside those eyes was not Sarah, it was Grace, he didn't know how to explain it, but he just knew that it was her. He leaned closer, his voice a soft whisper,

"Grace? How?"

He didn't know how to phrase it and it felt like time was slipping away from him, like the small amount of time he had to ask the important things was winding down like a short reel on fast speed,

"What should I do?"
 
His eyes returned to hers, sensing, seeking as she willed him to understand to see her. And then she saw it: The recognition in his eyes, the shock. She had thought she might need to convince him, but there was no disbelief as he leaned forward.

"Grace? How?"

She squeezed his hand, the smile slowly lighting her face as she gave a single careful nod.

""What should I do?"

He seemed lost and her heart went out to him.

"Whatever you need to do, John ..."

She told him simply.

"... whatever we need."
 
"How can I? I don't even know where to start."

His other hand covered the back of her hand,

"There is something that I need to know..."

He paused, looking at her, he sensed that time was up, that this brief glimpse of his dead wife had drawn to an end.

"Did it hurt?"

He knew that it sounded stupid, it sounded stupid even to his own ears, but for some strange reason he sensed that the answer to that was part of the final chapter, something needed to end the war inside himself.
 
"How can I? I don't even know where to start."

But she knew that he would work it out ... once the shock had subsided.

"There is something that I need to know..."

His hand was over hers, his eyes searching hers.
He didn't understand just yet, but he would.

"Did it hurt?"

She realised that it was this that had haunted him. She turned her hand and grasped his.

"No. It was sudden, so sudden. I had left before it got to hurt."

She told him softly.

"It hurt you more. And hurt me to watch you hurting."

She eased up in the bed somehow and extended her arms to wrap around her husband.

"From the moment you saw me ... after ... I knew I couldn't leave you ... not until you stopped hurting enough to move on ... "

He had been so devastated in the mortuary and Grace had believed that it was the lowest he would go ... but then he began drinking ... and his despair trapped her there ...

"I want to go home John."

She told him softly.

"I need to see you're ok before I go ... "
 
She reached up and hugged him, in reality it should not have felt right, a different body, a different voice, but the familiarity brought tears to his eyes. How the arms held him, how her head rested against his, just so. Her words soothing, calm, seeking his understanding, he tried to understand, but it was just too much for even him to process at once. Instead he just held her close to him, taking in that scent that is Grace.

He was not aware that his tears was flowing, that they were staining her hospital gown a darker blue. He had answers, he also had questions, so many of them, but they would have to wait for a while longer. Tears that had been bottled up for so long suddenly torn loose by the appearance of his lost wife, now streamed down his face, he didn't issue a sound, his breathing was a bit shaky, bordering on silent sobs. For a long, long time he held her close, feeling the familiarity, taking in the scent and feeling how his anguish flow out of him through the tears he wept.

He finally drew slightly back and used one hand to wipe the tears from his face, giving her a shaky smile. "I will go have a talk with the doctor", he voice was a broken whisper, but it was not from sorrow. He gave her a soft kiss and allowed her to recline on the bed once more. He wiped again at his eyes and face and took her hand in his.

"I will be back as fast as I can", with that he gave her hand a squeeze and went off to find a doctor.
 
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