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Sexual relationship with no attachment/emotion?

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goud21

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Forgive me if this is in the wrong place and feel free to move if need be. TL;DR at the bottom

Just some background for you. I'm 36, been married for 7 years, have a couple kids, but am in an almost completely sexless marriage. Like...I'm lucky if we have sex 3 times a year and even then it's basically missionary position until I get off...almost like to her it's just something she feels she needs to do. No matter how romantic I try to be, no matter how much I try to do to help her be in the mood more often...she just tells me she's tired from being home with two young kids all day and she's not in the mood most of the time.

There's a bar I go to for happy hour after work from time to time. There's an extremely attractive bartender there who was just friendly at first but has been extremely flirty the last 6 months or so whenever I'm in (things like coming around the bar to give me a hug when I get there, giving me her phone number, texting me at random times "just to say hi", etc, etc).

A little more about her. She's 33, been dating the same guy for 5 years, and it sounds like it's a very rocky relationship that has had more downs than ups in the last year. She's at a point where she either wants him to propose or for him to admit that it's not going to happen and figure out what she wants from life (and whether it's with him or not).

We've hung out together with some of my friends and some of her friends before (lunches during the work day, happy hour at bars besides hers, etc, etc). Never anything one on one...until today. Today we had lunch together and it ended up being just the two of us. There was supposed to be a third person joining us, but she cancelled last minute. In no way was this a "date." But...she was very flirty. Sat next to me in the booth instead of across from me. Was touching my arm, my hand, my leg. To be fair, I wasn't shy about returning the attention.

We laughed, we joked...she asked why her boyfriend couldn't be more like me. I walked her back to her car and we ended up making out in her car for like 20 minutes, before we had another serious conversation about the fact that I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm not looking to change my life situation, I'm not going to leave my wife for anyone. She said she totally understands that...then started kissing me again and rubbing my crotch through my pants, finding that I was thoroughly turned on in the moment. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I had an important work meeting and I had to go before it went any further.

So here's my question, is it possible for two people to casually hook-up without getting emotionally attached beyond being friends? I know I could absolutely hook up with her....but I fear that she's going to get too attached (if all goes well...for all I know, we end up not being sexually compatible and we hook up once and go on with our lives). I'd really just be in it for the sex and the friendship...some no strings attached fun with a friend I trust.

Oh...and I realize there are people who strongly believe in monogamy and are going to have an issue with us both having significant others, so I'm not really looking for discussion on "cheating" and the moral issues some may have with us hooking up.

TL;DR Can two people in separate relationships hook-up with each other on the side for some fun/flirty times without there being emotional attachment in the long run?
 
goud21 said:
Forgive me if this is in the wrong place and feel free to move if need be. TL;DR at the bottom

Just some background for you. I'm 36, been married for 7 years, have a couple kids, but am in an almost completely sexless marriage. Like...I'm lucky if we have sex 3 times a year and even then it's basically missionary position until I get off...almost like to her it's just something she feels she needs to do. No matter how romantic I try to be, no matter how much I try to do to help her be in the mood more often...she just tells me she's tired from being home with two young kids all day and she's not in the mood most of the time.

There's a bar I go to for happy hour after work from time to time. There's an extremely attractive bartender there who was just friendly at first but has been extremely flirty the last 6 months or so whenever I'm in (things like coming around the bar to give me a hug when I get there, giving me her phone number, texting me at random times "just to say hi", etc, etc).

A little more about her. She's 33, been dating the same guy for 5 years, and it sounds like it's a very rocky relationship that has had more downs than ups in the last year. She's at a point where she either wants him to propose or for him to admit that it's not going to happen and figure out what she wants from life (and whether it's with him or not).

We've hung out together with some of my friends and some of her friends before (lunches during the work day, happy hour at bars besides hers, etc, etc). Never anything one on one...until today. Today we had lunch together and it ended up being just the two of us. There was supposed to be a third person joining us, but she cancelled last minute. In no way was this a "date." But...she was very flirty. Sat next to me in the booth instead of across from me. Was touching my arm, my hand, my leg. To be fair, I wasn't shy about returning the attention.

We laughed, we joked...she asked why her boyfriend couldn't be more like me. I walked her back to her car and we ended up making out in her car for like 20 minutes, before we had another serious conversation about the fact that I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm not looking to change my life situation, I'm not going to leave my wife for anyone. She said she totally understands that...then started kissing me again and rubbing my crotch through my pants, finding that I was thoroughly turned on in the moment. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I had an important work meeting and I had to go before it went any further.

So here's my question, is it possible for two people to casually hook-up without getting emotionally attached beyond being friends? I know I could absolutely hook up with her....but I fear that she's going to get too attached (if all goes well...for all I know, we end up not being sexually compatible and we hook up once and go on with our lives). I'd really just be in it for the sex and the friendship...some no strings attached fun with a friend I trust.

Oh...and I realize there are people who strongly believe in monogamy and are going to have an issue with us both having significant others, so I'm not really looking for discussion on "cheating" and the moral issues some may have with us hooking up.

TL;DR Can two people in separate relationships hook-up with each other on the side for some fun/flirty times without there being emotional attachment in the long run?
Click to expand...

yes, but make sure the parther in the relationship agrees.
 
Perhaps - if it is a once in a while thing. Being with someone not yours starts forming an emotional bond. Things like selective comparisons start to make the other person seem really attractive.
But I guess this is not new information - otherwise you would not have asked the question.
 
It is certainly possible for two people to have sex without an notional attachment- been there many times, lol. But there needs to be a mutual understanding on the subject. Please make sure she knows you are married, and let her know what your constraints are. But let her know you want her, even if it is primarily sexual. And be nice to her- show her she's appreciated, and you may have a long term lover. I would just hope you can let your wife know too- I'm not getting it here, so I'm getting it elsewhere.

You're both adults and can make your own decisions. Oh yes, and protect your children.
 
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The short and the long answer is yes, you both can.
If the situation starts to change, please let the other one know.
 
No Attachment No Emotion??

The answer is yes.

However you can not control how she will react if say your wife all of a sudden becomes more affectionate or horny. She may turn on you once she has leverage over you so your always going to be in a tight spot, even if you trust her neither of you can predict the future and things could change.

With that in mind to have a NO attachment kind of relationship with another person also in a relationship the both of you have to start out with the RULE that you fuck when you need it but not all the time. This is much more of a blowing off steam situation or having a good work out, having sex outside of your individual relationships is at the end of the day a cry for help and if you don't fix the core issue it will only end badly.

My personal experience with this topic happened when my girl wanted me to propose and started dating another guy on the side to make me. I wasn't ready and she just pissed me off when she tried to play games with me so I broke it off and left her. After that my work friend ended up offering to fuck me so I would feel better and it would be no strings, she was dame sexy and I gave in after a while. We slept together and for some time it was just how we planned, but when I started looking at other girls and her boyfriend started to fix his ways it got more stressful. We kept seeing each other because it was comfortable and we happened to be good in bed together, then she wanted to have sex times I wasn't available or with another women and it became more complicated. Finally we had a serious talk and had to break it off so we could keep the friendship and go back to the way things were, but it was close to blowing up in our face.

I hope this helps, just remember that if you go for a taste you can't go back to normal and the future is a bitch.
 
goud21 said:
... am in an almost completely sexless marriage...
...she just tells me she's tired from being home with two young kids all day and she's not in the mood most of the time...
...There's a bar I go to for happy hour after work...
Click to expand...

You said it, I just extracted it.
 
goud21 said:
.
TL;DR Can two people in separate relationships hook-up with each other on the side for some fun/flirty times without there being emotional attachment in the long run?
Click to expand...

Yes. Definitely, but I think it depends on the people.
 
Sorry hon, but in my reading of your OP, the 'no emotional attachment' boat sailed a while back.

The only way I've managed to this is hook up with guys I don't really like a great deal, but who are good in bed. Given the way you talk about this woman, you clearly do like her, quite a lot. I rate your chances of having sexy times, with all the attendant stuff that involves, and not falling in love to be extremely low. Sorry. But of course, that's just me ... maybe you'll be able to do it.
 
That seems like it would be a difficult task to do, sex is not just sex, it involves so much more. That's what I've learned. I would try to make it work with your wife first?
 
LanguageOfLove said:
That seems like it would be a difficult task to do, sex is not just sex, it involves so much more. That's what I've learned. I would try to make it work with your wife first?
Click to expand...

I agree with what LanguageOfLove and KimGordon67 say.

The main question I think your predicament poses is why you and your wife appear to have lost interest in each other sexually. It sounds as if you wouldn't be looking for sex elsewhere if your physical relationship with your wife was more successful. I'm wondering whether it has always been this way or whether something has changed over the years.
 
Sounds like the bartender is very much into you, and you seem to be very interested in her. From your post , the writing is on the wall ( no pun intended ) if you get involved with her and you make a connection, you'll be leaving your wife. Even if you lied to yourself saying that you're not leaving her for anybody, you will, because if she offers you something you're not getting at home, and it goes beyond sex too, you'll want that full time.
Me,, i'd go for the bartender or at least give a go. Lifes too short.
 
AngusBridie said:
. Even if you lied to yourself saying that you're not leaving her for anybody, you will, because if she offers you something you're not getting at home, and it goes beyond sex too, you'll want that full time.
Click to expand...

To build on this, you leave your family for this other woman. Things work out. What"s to stop your situation from repeating itself? Let's say she wants kids. She's going to go through the changes pregnancy wrecks a woman with. She is going to be tired. Maybe suffer depression. Are you going to be a forty-something, hanging in a new bar, when you meet another woman who's into you?

Marriage is hard. Yeah, it takes effort. Yeah, it can suck. Trust me, I know that a sexless marriage is not a fun thing. For a number of reasons I have been right there for years. It sucks. sometimes, it feels like the most unfair situation in the world. Often times, it is.

But before you burn the marriage down, see if there are options that will work for you and your wife. Don't expect there will be. Don't expect her to be happy about it. Don't expect her to get as concerned with your sex life as you are. But start with Frank and honest conversation.

Been there. Anything less, you're fooling yourself.

If you talk to her and she can't be bothered. Then you have to make some hard choices.
 
Yes.

BUT.

That is not what you two have!

At the least you two already like each other care what the other likes...I have to run...family get together for breakfast!

Later!

I'm BAAAACK! and full and sleepy..Mexican breakfast food will do that!

So what I am saying is that SOME level of emotional attachment has to be applied.

The question is are the two of you able to control it? It helps if you don't necessary like the kind of person the other is or they are not among the favorite type...
 
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Sex with NSA could happen, so long as everything is out on the table. Been there, done that, but had to cut it off.

But first ask yourself this: if you were having sex with your wife moreso than 3x/yr, would you be chatting up the bartender like this and making out in you're car? Probably not...I'd really try to fix things with your wife, or have the agreement of an open marraige if "daily life gets in the way of sex". That sounds like a pitiful excuse but I can imagine it's often said.

The bartender is totally into you, but make your intentions clear of nsa sex. It's a lot harder than it sounds.

Good luck!
 
goud21 said:
TL;DR Can two people in separate relationships hook-up with each other on the side for some fun/flirty times without there being emotional attachment in the long run?
Click to expand...

No. Not "in the long run." Not unless they're both male.

No woman wants to be viewed as being only worth sex.

I am married and I date other guys, one since 2010, another since 2014/15, but for a continuing relationship of this sort, there has to be an emotional attachment.
 
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Yes. My wife had a relationship with a friend in college with no emotional attachment. Her previous sexual partners had wanted more, and they tried to get her to break off her committed relationship with me. She refused. I wasn't around, so she just wanted to have fun, with maybe a little sex. Her friend had a similar desire, so they just went out to have fun--movies, parties, and such--and usually ended their date with sex in his car. When the semester ended, he dropped out of school and the relationship ended with no tears, no promises to get back together.
 
Just for another perspective:

Whatever hobbies I pick up, whatever really good classes in school, wherever I work, its always mostly male for some reason. As a result most of my friends have been male since some time in middle school.

The way it usually works is one of those "whose boobs would you like to see?" type conversations starts and i think that is what may contribute to us suddenly realizing that we are intensely attracted to each other. At that point we are just two people on the same level who want the same thing. who like but don't love each other.

It never made things awkward. I never got the feeling that they thought any less of me. They don't feel the need to pretend anything. It wasn't a game to anyone. IMO if you're gonna have NSA sex its the best possible way to do it.

I never fell in love with any of them. I dont know why. I think it could be that I am extremely picky when it comes to actual romantic relationship s. Maybe different people are just different. Idk

IMO you know yourself and you know her better than we do and are the only one who could know how it could be in your situation.
 
Are we talking about falling in love?

Oh, shit. To me, there's a grand canyon between "emotional attachment" and "falling in love." I'm not in love with the guys I date, nor will I ever be, but our relationships are romantic, and we care for each other, deeply.

I guess it all depends on how one defines "love." I think we Americans use the term too easily. It's a whole different perspective in Southeast Asia, and probably a far more healthy one.
 
there's no doubt that the op is a straight person. gay guys have had the whole fuck buddy thing going on forever and it works. maybe you should jump the fence.
 
"Sexual relationship with no attachment/emotion? "....

Not possible for me. Never has been, never will be.
 
Bad idea! Maybe you can have a sexual relationship without any emotional attachment, but your post is full of red flags.

She said she is out of patience with her boyfriend of 5 years, and now she wants him to either marry her or end it. She may start out with no emotional attachment, but sooner or later, she may decide you would make a better husband than the guy she is seeing now. And after you sleep with her, and she decides she wants you to be single, all she has to do is tell your wife, and wah-la, you are divorced and available.

And the other red flag...

You said you were supposed to have lunch with her and another woman? And I am assuming these two women are friends? But the other woman suddenly canceled without warning. How easy it would have been for the two of them to set it up where you and she would be alone.

Then just by coincidence, her hand just happened to be rubbing your leg. Something she has never given any indication wanting to do before? Then by accident, you are out in the car making out with her.

She's probably already picking out the wedding dress and ring. If you want to stay married, you better take a pass on this one.
 
Doug_Hinson said:
Bad idea! Maybe you can have a sexual relationship without any emotional attachment, but your post is full of red flags.

She said she is out of patience with her boyfriend of 5 years, and now she wants him to either marry her or end it. She may start out with no emotional attachment, but sooner or later, she may decide you would make a better husband than the guy she is seeing now. And after you sleep with her, and she decides she wants you to be single, all she has to do is tell your wife, and wah-la, you are divorced and available.

And the other red flag...

You said you were supposed to have lunch with her and another woman? And I am assuming these two women are friends? But the other woman suddenly canceled without warning. How easy it would have been for the two of them to set it up where you and she would be alone.

Then just by coincidence, her hand just happened to be rubbing your leg. Something she has never given any indication wanting to do before? Then by accident, you are out in the car making out with her.

She's probably already picking out the wedding dress and ring. If you want to stay married, you better take a pass on this one.
Click to expand...

So ... it is actually possibly for a woman to find a guy attractive without intending to marry him. We're not all going around entrapping men. Just saying.
 
KimGordon67 said:
So ... it is actually possibly for a woman to find a guy attractive without intending to marry him. We're not all going around entrapping men. Just saying.
Click to expand...

That's true. Not all women are trying to trap a man, but I think that one is.:)
 
I had friends with benefits relationship with a woman once. It lasted a couple of years, then I got word that she was going around claiming we were engaged. Fun while it lasted as she was willing to try most anything.
 
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