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The guy I was seeing and I have been having a lot of rough sex, he’s always been dominant but his ex gfs never wanted any of it. He would talk so big about all the things he wanted to do. He seemed almost obsessed.
Fast forward to recently we took a vacation and after a few drinks I told him I loved him. He was completely thrown off and shellshocked. I don’t think he expected it and he said he’s not there or at that level. He explained that he didn’t feel that spark or chemistry because of the level of rough sex we were having was too much for him that he had to numb his feelings for me in order to do it.
Is he just giving me any BS excuse or is there any truth to this? I can’t help but think I was set up to fail because even when we’d talk about sex, it’s all he talked about.
Don't let him get under your skin with pity and misery. He'll just have to numb his feelings some more. Don't let him worm his way back in by meaningless apologies or crying on your doorstep.After that he cried the entire evening wanting to hold me.
I saw your later post, Reyhoney, and that you broke things off. I'm sorry you're hurting, but it'll get better. Be kind to yourself.
This might be a little off-topic, but whatever.
I'd also like to say a few things about love and kink. One doesn't exclude another, but having one and not the other also doesn't mean there's something wrong with the person(s) or the relationship.
Some people like to compartmentalize things and do kinky shit with people they don't have romantic feelings with. It's completely fine. It might make handling guilt or other mixed feelings for all the nasty things they do easier. There can be chemistry on a sexual level even if there is none of that on a romantic level.
And it still doesn't mean the person(s) involved are weird, broken, borderline schizophrenic or anything like that. Or that they don't care about the well-being of the person(s) they're playing with. It just means that they're not romantically interested in them.
I'm guessing explaining it as "I have to numb my romantic feelings" might seem easier especially for someone who's new to the game than admitting that they're simply doing something to get their rocks off.
Love and romance definitely change the dynamic of a relationship. I've been involved in a dynamic where we've both loved each other, where I've deeply loved the other person and not had those feelings reciprocated and in a dynamic where at best our relationship beyond kink was what you'd expect from two people who are randomly seated next to each other on a long distance flight: you make a little small talk but that's about it.
Each of these relationships has provided me a chance to explore different aspects of kinks on an emotional level. Especially loving someone who doesn't love me back, but is willing to grope me and choke me (even after me being open about my feelings and vice versa) was an intense headtrip for an emotional masochist such as myself. I'm not the strongest of communicators, but in cases of catching the feels I've noticed it's usually the best to be open about it and let the chips fall as they may.
I realize it's not everybody's cup of tea and I'm definitely not trying to say that anybody should stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfill them, but I seriously have issues with the concept that love and emotions should be a part of a BDSM relationship or beware sociopathy and schizophrenia.
I'd also like to state again that this is in no way directed at Reyhoney. Mere general musings about love and BDSM prompted by the topic.
To me, this sounds like he was steadily going from what he truly felt to more and more lies. That in the beginning he just said what he really felt, and thought you'd accept it. WHen you didn't, he became worried of losing you, so he went from "not loving you" to "loving you not enough" to simply telling you he loves you.And I forgot to mention that after my love “declaration” and all his crying he said that maybe on another deeper level I do love you, then a bit later he said I do love you, just not enough. Then the rest of the day he kept whispering I love you which just did nothing but confuse and hurt me.
He said when we would kiss that was when I felt so emotionally connected to you, as if I was pouring my soul into you.
I really can’t thank you all enough for the support and encouragement. It really made me realize that this didn’t just fall apart because of just me like he made it sound. I was going crazy blaming myself and thinking if only I had done better.
I made mistakes and those mistakes were me not standing up to myself, and not telling him what I need too. I won’t dwell on self pity though, like you all said I’ll learn so I can do better in the next relationship.
Again, thank you to each and everyone here who helped and comforted me.
Love to all.
I'm a guy and I'll tell you, from what little bit you shared, he's full of shit..Spark or chemistry often happens before sex even comes into play, if anything rough sex would make you even closer if thats what he was really into, he may be full of shit about that too..
Once bullshit...always bullshit. Nothing has changed.
Agree 100%.
And if he is telling the truth why do you want someone who takes that long to realize things?
The reason he's emailing you is to see if he can still abuse you. He hasn't found another victim yet so he thinks by playing on your emotions and apologizing he might get you to go back to him. That way he'll be able to keep abusing you without expending any additional effort.
For good measure I'd change the email account too and make it a clean sweep. All it takes is one "read receipt" and he'll know you still have the same email address and are still around to try to victimize some more (or harass).
Dump his ass forever.
The guy I was seeing and I have been having a lot of rough sex, he’s always been dominant but his ex gfs never wanted any of it. He would talk so big about all the things he wanted to do. He seemed almost obsessed.
Fast forward to recently we took a vacation and after a few drinks I told him I loved him. He was completely thrown off and shellshocked. I don’t think he expected it and he said he’s not there or at that level. He explained that he didn’t feel that spark or chemistry because of the level of rough sex we were having was too much for him that he had to numb his feelings for me in order to do it.
Is he just giving me any BS excuse or is there any truth to this? I can’t help but think I was set up to fail because even when we’d talk about sex, it’s all he talked about.
I wanted to update on things. After these awful things went down we completely stopped talking, I even changed my phone number and deleted him everywhere. 5 weeks later he emailed me. He was apologizing and taking responsibility for his mistakes and hoped I’d forgive him.
Then he explained what he meant by numbing his feelings. He said he thought he’d love to be rough with me, as rough as he always used to talk about all macho and big but after we actually did it he realized that he didn’t like it. That because of his feelings for me, he had to shut his cause it was hurting him to think he’s hurting me. That he’s more sensitive about it than he thought he was. It got to him. He said I wish I was more sincere and just told you without feeling too emasculated for saying it. He said when we’d have the more gentle slower sex it felt so different in a special genuine and good way.
I told him I’m moving on and healing and thanks for everything and he said even though it hurts thinking I’m moving on, he’s happy for me.
Is all that some new BS? Could it be true? I haven’t replied to his email again and I won’t, but I do want to know for my own peace of mind if he could be telling the truth now.