Distance Domination-Support Thread

the captians wench said:

Been there....oh man have I been there.

The way we get through it is a lot of compermise and restraint. I restrain myself from texing/emailing/iming/ and ringing him a million times a day when we are aproaching my "no contact limit" and he recognizes that I have that limit and does his best to give some sort of contact when we've hit that limit.

My limit has expanded. When we first got together, the limit was 24 hours. This caused more problems than anything else and I realized if I wanted Jounar in my life, then I'd have to expand that limit. I'm up to 7 days now. I've talked about the varying stages and progression of thought durring these 7 days here before.

It sucks, and it doesn't go away, and I don't think it hurts any less, EVER. But it does get more bearable.

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My current limit is two days if there's been no previous notification of absence. I'm fine the first 48 hours, but I need to hear from him on that third day. If we know contact will be impossible for some reason (travel, work, school, or family reasons), I'm pretty okay. The longest that one was tested was about a week, which was frustrating but I could deal without the crazy feelings.

If you don't mind my asking, how did you go about expanding your limit? Any sort of tricks or exercises you used that worked for you would be really appreciated. While we've agreed it's something we can work on together, outside tips would help, since it really is my issue, not his. He's so important to me... I don't want this kind of thing to come between us.

insert____here said:

kind of twangy and limp and emotionally stretched thin. i have no-idea if there's a name for this...i really am very new
He is five clock hours ahead, but essentially a day behind. so if it's 7pm on tuesday for me its, 12midnight on monday for Him.
prevention is better than cure, so if there's a way to stop feeling so...bluh....instead of dealing with it when it happens that would be better. it plays havoc on my work morning.

thanks ladies....

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I understand, but esencially it's the same. He's sleeping when you're having dinner, at work when you're sleeping, and having dinner when you're working.

As to your question, I'm not sure there is a way to prevent it. It happens to the best of us, even with face to face contact. I've had some of my worst drops with some one in the room with me dealing my pain.

Depending on the drop, I treat it a bit like PMS. I take a nice long hot bath, or shower, curl up in comfy clothes (if he lets me, other wize it's a thick blanket) and either have some comfort food or chocolate and watch a movie (something funny NO CHICK FLICKS! )

Other times I'll take a long walk or exercise. And often I'll read some of our old conversations, or research my next trip.

Some times nothing helps and I just have to dig in and get through the day. Usually at some point in the day the feelings go away, but it does make for a rough morning.

If there was a way to prevent it I'm sure there are many of us who would jump on it.

CurlyKat said:

My current limit is two days if there's been no previous notification of absence. I'm fine the first 48 hours, but I need to hear from him on that third day. If we know contact will be impossible for some reason (travel, work, school, or family reasons), I'm pretty okay. The longest that one was tested was about a week, which was frustrating but I could deal without the crazy feelings.

If you don't mind my asking, how did you go about expanding your limit? Any sort of tricks or exercises you used that worked for you would be really appreciated. While we've agreed it's something we can work on together, outside tips would help, since it really is my issue, not his. He's so important to me... I don't want this kind of thing to come between us.

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At first I sent an IM every time I felt longing to him. I knew that he wouldn't get it, but part of me would get upset if he didn't respond, so that didn't last long. So I started writing, on paper, on here, on my own thread, and even snail mail letters to him.

And I talked, to any one who would listen, whether they understood or not. Talking helps, and every one understands longing and loneliness, even if they don't understand longing for some one 4000 miles away from you who you've never seen in person and comunicate mostly by the internet.

Of couse I've always been the "weird one" so people kind of expect something like this from me. *shrug*

Once he understood that I have to express these things, and I don't expect him to fix them, or even reply, I started sending emails. The emails helped me more than anything, and I think he liked recieving them as well. From that point on he always told me that he wanted to know everything I feel.

I still can't go past 7 days, but he's also started giving me a heads up when he knows something's coming up.

thankyou ms wench...

i'll take the exercise advice...there's always a little space in the morning to do that if it will help. thankyou very much.

on the "email" front...i send Him a daily diary. for the thoughts and feelings i need to say so He understands where we are atand what's going on in my head some days. i don't need a response, but it's a neat form of communication when real time is limited.

Very good ideas indeed... I especially like the snail mail idea. Having something to focus on doing that helps me feel closer to him will definitely help. And maybe I need to find a friend that would understand the nature of our relationship (instead of having to hide certain parts of it) that I can lean on when I miss him too much.

CurlyKat said:

Very good ideas indeed... I especially like the snail mail idea. Having something to focus on doing that helps me feel closer to him will definitely help. And maybe I need to find a friend that would understand the nature of our relationship (instead of having to hide certain parts of it) that I can lean on when I miss him too much.

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You know you have lots of friends here that understand everything you are going through. We are here for you and each other in good times and rough times.

Franks_Angel said:

I'm Frank's Angel and my Sir lives in Florida while I am living in California. Hopefully we will have that first face to face meeting come December (crossing fingers). I'm glad to be here and hopefully this can be a place of some support for me.

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Welcome Angel.

I live in Florida but am originally from California. If you don't mind my asking, are you coming to Florida or is he going to Cali or are you meeting in the middle somewhere?

CurlyKat said:

Very good ideas indeed... I especially like the snail mail idea. Having something to focus on doing that helps me feel closer to him will definitely help. And maybe I need to find a friend that would understand the nature of our relationship (instead of having to hide certain parts of it) that I can lean on when I miss him too much.

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I tend to do snail mail a lot. Little notes, funny cards, packages, usually about once a month, sometimes more, sometimes less.

If I see a card that makes me think of him, I send it. If I'm walking around the store and see something that makes me think of him, I send it. Even at work, he's gotten lots of happy meal toys.

I think this helps me most actually.

We are at the point now where he finally understands I need to hear from him EVERYDAY. The exception of course is when he tells me before hand that he is going to visit family, or for whatever reason will be out of town and unavailable.

He won't email and he hates leaving off-line IMs. So he will either call or text a short message if life is too busy for us to talk properly.

It took a while for him to understand how important a daily connection is for me. But he understands now.

HisSexyPet said:

Welcome Angel.

I live in Florida but am originally from California. If you don't mind my asking, are you coming to Florida or is he going to Cali or are you meeting in the middle somewhere?

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Thank you for the welcome. I don't mind at all. Sir spoke to me yesterday and told me to research airfares and hotel in his direction. So I will be visiting him the second weekend in December. He surprised me this morning by telling me also to research banks. He wants me to have my own bank account.

Frank's

Franks_Angel said:

Thank you for the welcome. I don't mind at all. Sir spoke to me yesterday and told me to research airfares and hotel in his direction. So I will be visiting him the second weekend in December. He surprised me this morning by telling me also to research banks. He wants me to have my own bank account.

Frank's

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Welcome! I hope your visit goes wonderfully.

Just curious...i assume you already have a bank account in California. If this is just your first visit why do you need a bank account in Florida? If this is your first face to face meeting discussions about finances--other than who pays for the flight, hotel food etc--seems more than a little premature.

Sorry if I am out-of-line the request for you to get a bank account local to him just raised multiple red flags in my head

ecstaticsub said:

Welcome! I hope your visit goes wonderfully.

Just curious...i assume you already have a bank account in California. If this is just your first visit why do you need a bank account in Florida? If this is your first face to face meeting discussions about finances--other than who pays for the flight, hotel food etc--seems more than a little premature.

Sorry if I am out-of-line the request for you to get a bank account local to him just raised multiple red flags in my head

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I have no doubt it will.

Don't assume LOL. My job the last 12.5 years has been "Mother" ... I have no bank account or (as I found out today) credit history at all. Sir wants me to have a bank account so I can be more independent than I am in my current living situation.

So it isn't local to him, but he wants a bank near BOTH of us, so he can deposit funds should he feel I need them (Like this first trip. I will be able to pay for the second in January)

Frank's

Franks_Angel said:

I have no doubt it will.

Don't assume LOL. My job the last 12.5 years has been "Mother" ... I have no bank account or (as I found out today) credit history at all. Sir wants me to have a bank account so I can be more independent than I am in my current living situation.

So it isn't local to him, but he wants a bank near BOTH of us, so he can deposit funds should he feel I need them (Like this first trip. I will be able to pay for the second in January)

Frank's

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I've had a bank account in my own name since I was 5 years old, so I guess I just assumed every adult had one. Even when i wasn't working and was a stay-at-home mom I had an ATM card and we had a joint account. It is extremely important to have one and to start building up that credit history.

You will just have it in your name, right?

Sorry again for being overly suspicious , I have just seen or heard of too much.

How long have you known him? I had been chatting/emailing etc with my Dominant for about 5 months before we finally were able to get together in person. That first visit will always be very special to me.

ecstaticsub said:

I've had a bank account in my own name since I was 5 years old, so I guess I just assumed every adult had one. Even when i wasn't working and was a stay-at-home mom I had an ATM card and we had a joint account. It is extremely important to have one and to start building up that credit history.

You will just have it in your name, right?

Sorry again for being overly suspicious , I have just seen or heard of too much.

How long have you known him? I had been chatting/emailing etc with my Dominant for about 5 months before we finally were able to get together in person. That first visit will always be very special to me.

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OH I understand! The account is in my name only. Not his and mine.

We have known each other near two months now. We will meet the first time the second weekend in December. No matter what, he is giving me the gift of independance and a chance to get a good credit history to myself.

Frank's

Gotta admit I got kinda jumpy when I saw that too.

Jounar and I have been together 4+ years now and we still don't know much about each other's finances other than I'm comfortable and he's struggling atm. That's as intimate as we have been so far and probably won't get much more than that until we get closer to a point where I will move there.

Now I do talk about my ebay sales and how much I make and what of that is profit, but that's just because I get so excited.

the captians wench said:

Gotta admit I got kinda jumpy when I saw that too.

Jounar and I have been together 4+ years now and we still don't know much about each other's finances other than I'm comfortable and he's struggling atm. That's as intimate as we have been so far and probably won't get much more than that until we get closer to a point where I will move there.

Now I do talk about my ebay sales and how much I make and what of that is profit, but that's just because I get so excited.

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LOL Well to each his own. Seems fast but feels right for both of us.

the captians wench said:

Gotta admit I got kinda jumpy when I saw that too.

Jounar and I have been together 4+ years now and we still don't know much about each other's finances other than I'm comfortable and he's struggling atm. That's as intimate as we have been so far and probably won't get much more than that until we get closer to a point where I will move there.

Now I do talk about my ebay sales and how much I make and what of that is profit, but that's just because I get so excited.

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LOL Well to each his own. Seems fast but feels right for both of us.

Franks_Angel said:

LOL Well to each his own. Seems fast but feels right for both of us.

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Just be careful. It's one thing to sujest getting an account, it's another to request access to it.

the captians wench said:

Just be careful. It's one thing to sujest getting an account, it's another to request access to it.

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Ohhh he wouldn't do that. And if he DID .. the answer is no. LOL Submissive don't mean stoopid (intentional misspelling)

HisSexyPet said:

You know you have lots of friends here that understand everything you are going through. We are here for you and each other in good times and rough times.

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Thanks! You might regret saying that one day.

It's just all very different than anything I've ever had before, in a very, very good way. This thread really is full of much wisdom... already it's kept me from acting on those dumb, screw everything up impulses!

CurlyKat said:

Thanks! You might regret saying that one day.

It's just all very different than anything I've ever had before, in a very, very good way. This thread really is full of much wisdom... already it's kept me from acting on those dumb, screw everything up impulses!

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That phrase made me laugh out loud because it rings so true for me I wish I knew about Lit and this thread 5 years ago I may have avoided some conflicts and learned to control those impulses. Though...that first year of my submission when I was learning what he expected, how to be his property, and really how to surrender my usual control freak, very willful self to him...was an amazing year.

In some ways I am glad I acting on those impulses. They didn't screw up everything. They brought up raw emotion, which we both discovered not only brought us closer together but is a incredible aphrodisiac

ecstaticsub said:

That phrase made me laugh out loud because it rings so true for me I wish I knew about Lit and this thread 5 years ago I may have avoided some conflicts and learned to control those impulses. Though...that first year of my submission when I was learning what he expected, how to be his property, and really how to surrender my usual control freak, very willful self to him...was an amazing year.

In some ways I am glad I acting on those impulses. They didn't screw up everything. They brought up raw emotion, which we both discovered not only brought us closer together but is a incredible aphrodisiac

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*giggles* Was simular for us. I was very dependant on others when I met Jounar. I also have a tendency to smoother people.

I expected a lot from him. And neither one of us had ever been in a long distance relationship, and I was just discovering not only this lifestyle, but myself. I was a 22 year old devorce when he found me. I grew a lot in that first year, and even the second. That's why even though it hurt, I think the timing of our first meet was perfect. We both needed the time to adjust to our lives, seperate and together.

Oh and for the new comers here, it took us 3 years before we had our first meeting face to face.

CurlyKat said:

Thanks! You might regret saying that one day.

It's just all very different than anything I've ever had before, in a very, very good way. This thread really is full of much wisdom... already it's kept me from acting on those dumb, screw everything up impulses!

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giggles...i have been reading this thread since B and i rekindled our LDR...and i still acted on a couple of the screw everything up impulses...with severe punishment...but through it i learned that he loves me and will always love me no matter how dumb i act.

already made one stupid "impulse" blunder...He thought it was funny. luckily for me...

got another question...how do i effectively and quickly snap myself out of "sub" mode if He leaves me in it when He signs out of chat??

i'm a mum, i need to be able to function. any good tips??

insert____here said:

already made one stupid "impulse" blunder...He thought it was funny. luckily for me...

got another question...how do i effectively and quickly snap myself out of "sub" mode if He leaves me in it when He signs out of chat??

i'm a mum, i need to be able to function. any good tips??

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You could ask him to spend a few minutes helping return you to mommy mode. Other than that I sometimes will spend a few minutes cleaning up my room taking some time to get back to reality. Or I will take some time to take a shower or bath to give myself some transition time.