Really attracted to this guy ... sex is great .. but he's a jerk :(

Ok, so I've been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks. For some reason, I am really attracted to him. The sex is perhaps the best I have ever had (I'm a bottom). It's not even that he does something special - it's just that he has .. that certain quality. The sex is regular and fantastic, but it's outside the bedroom where the problem begins.

The guy's a jerk, and most of the time it's a huge burden on my part just to tolerate him. He irritates the hell out of me, and tests my patience with almost everything he does. He is selfish and self obsessed, but expects me to be unconditionally supportive of every idiotic whim of his. The only reason I tolerate him is the simply great sex, and it makes me feel guilty to no end.

If I stop seeing him, I will miss everything I would be giving up, and if I continue like this, he would drive me insane. Most of all, I didn't think I was the kind of guy who would place sex above everything else, but that is exactly what I am doing here. What should I do?

Seamen said:

Ok, so I've been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks. For some reason, I am really attracted to him. The sex is perhaps the best I have ever had (I'm a bottom). It's not even that he does something special - it's just that he has .. that certain quality. The sex is regular and fantastic, but it's outside the bedroom where the problem begins.

The guy's a jerk, and most of the time it's a huge burden on my part just to tolerate him. He irritates the hell out of me, and tests my patience with almost everything he does. He is selfish and self obsessed, but expects me to be unconditionally supportive of every idiotic whim of his. The only reason I tolerate him is the simply great sex, and it makes me feel guilty to no end.

If I stop seeing him, I will miss everything I would be giving up, and if I continue like this, he would drive me insane. Most of all, I didn't think I was the kind of guy who would place sex above everything else, but that is exactly what I am doing here. What should I do?

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If you want to keep having sex with him and you can treat him just like a booty call (so to speak ) - then keep seeing him and only spend time with him in the bedroom.

If you can't deal with what that makes you - someone who is spending time with someone just for sex - then you have to give him up, good sex or not.

Seamen said:

Ok, so I've been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks. For some reason, I am really attracted to him. The sex is perhaps the best I have ever had (I'm a bottom). It's not even that he does something special - it's just that he has .. that certain quality. The sex is regular and fantastic, but it's outside the bedroom where the problem begins.

The guy's a jerk, and most of the time it's a huge burden on my part just to tolerate him. He irritates the hell out of me, and tests my patience with almost everything he does. He is selfish and self obsessed, but expects me to be unconditionally supportive of every idiotic whim of his. The only reason I tolerate him is the simply great sex, and it makes me feel guilty to no end.

If I stop seeing him, I will miss everything I would be giving up, and if I continue like this, he would drive me insane. Most of all, I didn't think I was the kind of guy who would place sex above everything else, but that is exactly what I am doing here. What should I do?

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It's really quite possible to despise the guy, but love his cock. I've been in that position too. I know. Cock is addictive, it really is. And a perfect cock is a joy and a delight, regardless of whoever it happens to be attached to. What you must do is divorce the two elements. Separate the two. When you're sucking his cock, concentrate exclusively on the cock, worship it, enjoy it. Even if the guy's a slug, it's you're pleasure and enjoyment that important here...

And great sex is hard to find, especially in a country like India which can be so homophobic (not the only country, I know but I've heard some scary stories from you ).
Sometimes you just have to take what you can find sex-wise and love your real friends all the more.

And The Moral Is...

stickygirl said:

And great sex is hard to find, especially in a country like India which can be so homophobic (not the only country, I know but I've heard some scary stories from you ).
Sometimes you just have to take what you can find sex-wise and love your real friends all the more.

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Yes, quite. But where did India come from…? And while we're being so smug and liberal about our freedoms it's sobering to realize that it's only back in the sixties the UK was jailing Gays, and to be discovered as a 'sexual deviant' could destroy your life. Yes, let's celebrate what we have, but don't get too complacent about it...

tristantrotsky said:

Yes, quite. But where did India come from…? And while we're being so smug and liberal about our freedoms it's sobering to realize that it's only back in the sixties the UK was jailing Gays, and to be discovered as a 'sexual deviant' could destroy your life. Yes, let's celebrate what we have, but don't get too complacent about it...

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Err..? Seaman lives in India and I've known him for some time on Lit. *looks back to check* Sorry - my first post looked like I was replying to you

Complacent, no. I totally agree with you and wasn't suggesting we take anything for granted - not then and not now either. But we have less people in the UK who are raped and murdered for being gay than India, where homosexual sex is still a criminal offence.
I don't want to turn Seaman's thread into a political discussion: he's too sweet for that

stickygirl said:

Err..? Seaman lives in India and I've known him for some time on Lit. *looks back to check* Sorry - my first post looked like I was replying to you

Complacent, no. I totally agree with you and wasn't suggesting we take anything for granted - not then and not now either. But we have less people in the UK who are raped and murdered for being gay than India, where homosexual sex is still a criminal offence.
I don't want to turn Seaman's thread into a political discussion: he's too sweet for that

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Thanks for clearing that up. Yes, agreed. Love to you both -Tristan-

Thanks Sticky and Tristan! Love to you both <3 You're right, and it's probably best to keep the sex separate from relationships, but it's very difficult to do. Sex without emotions is not really possible, and even the lack of emotions is an emotion in itself. I'm supposed to see him next Thursday, but I don't know if I would go through with it. Pretty much undecided till now

Seaman my best to you, just be carful jerks can do some terrible stuff. You sound like a very nice person who deserves the best.

Seamen said:

Thanks Sticky and Tristan! Love to you both <3 You're right, and it's probably best to keep the sex separate from relationships, but it's very difficult to do. Sex without emotions is not really possible, and even the lack of emotions is an emotion in itself. I'm supposed to see him next Thursday, but I don't know if I would go through with it. Pretty much undecided till now

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Agreed. Call me an old-fashioned girl, but sex without that emotional connection is just masturbation. I can do that just fine, without having some hairy lump snoring at me afterwards!
You take care sweetheart

He's got to go. You know it is so if you can't let sex just be sex. Best luck.

He will hurt you eventually so decide if it is worth it. You are a hole to him so decide do you want to be used or find someone who cares about you.

Erochic said:

If you want to keep having sex with him and you can treat him just like a booty call (so to speak ) - then keep seeing him and only spend time with him in the bedroom.

If you can't deal with what that makes you - someone who is spending time with someone just for sex - then you have to give him up, good sex or not.

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This.

Unless you can't enjoy just having sex as a form of pleasurable physical exercise with this guy. It's OK if you want an emotional attachment with someone, but it doesn't have to be with this guy if you can manage to enjoy sex as sex without any guilt. And you don't have to give "just getting off good" with this guy up until you are in a relationship that requires more commitment.

I see hints of "it's wrong to have emotionless sex" creeping into some responses here. If you can ignore that and get your time with this guy separated off into just a fantastic sports workout, ignore the romantics--and/or look for your romance from an entirely different guy at an entirely different time (and as that develops and commitment is needed, cut off the sports fuck then).

I see this as one of the real differences between basic feminine and male perspective (with both genders on an individual basis capable of either perspective). The basic feminine perspective requires emotional attachment (based in the need to set up long-term protection). The basic male perspective is up for getting off anytime/anywhere with anyone who can trigger an erection in the potential sex partner (based on the need to ejaculate) and doesn't require flowers and box of candy. Neither is better than the other; they just are different basic perspectives of the sex act and sexual relationship.

Comes down to what you value more. Great sex or love? Your choice. Choose wisely! Best of luck.

Yep, I see that as a basic feminine perspective response--the need for it to be a protection relationship causing warnings of anything else to be thrown up. Bringing on the guilt. Not looking for a fight, but just pointing out what I think is the classic feminine perspective on this issue (as was the response above mine). That's fine if the OP opts for a feminine perspective of his issue. But the feminine perspective is steeped into guilting the male perspective because it threatens the feminine perspective need (which contrasts with the male perspective, which doesn't really give a shit as long as it results in an ejaculation). It's the feminine perspective that sees a threat and guilts in defense.

The specific response here is that a permanent choice doesn't have to be made at all. The OP can have his good sex workout as long as he doesn't need the emotional attachment with this guy--and he can still have an emotion-based relationship with someone else either later or starting to work into it before dropping the "just a good fuck" arrangement.

The perspective is his to choose or to acknowledge. (And since he asked at all, I'm betting he's feeling the feminine perspective guilt.)

Errr...'cuse me, but you're the first person to bring up guilt here and I'm not sure I'm liking the passive guilt-guilt thing you're labelling the 'classic female' response.
If a woman is looking for ...hmm... Let's see, someone who remembers her name in the morning or yes, even looking for something beyond a bj in the parking lot, then it's your problem if the woman thinks badly of you. I'm glad you have enough conscience to consider guilt, but that's for you to deal with, not something she has burdened you with.

Seamen said:

Ok, so I've been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks. For some reason, I am really attracted to him. The sex is perhaps the best I have ever had (I'm a bottom). It's not even that he does something special - it's just that he has .. that certain quality. The sex is regular and fantastic, but it's outside the bedroom where the problem begins.

The guy's a jerk, and most of the time it's a huge burden on my part just to tolerate him. He irritates the hell out of me, and tests my patience with almost everything he does. He is selfish and self obsessed, but expects me to be unconditionally supportive of every idiotic whim of his. The only reason I tolerate him is the simply great sex, and it makes me feel guilty to no end.

If I stop seeing him, I will miss everything I would be giving up, and if I continue like this, he would drive me insane. Most of all, I didn't think I was the kind of guy who would place sex above everything else, but that is exactly what I am doing here. What should I do?

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So if I can summarize: in this coupling (I won't call it a relationship) you are a hole and he is a tool.
If you are OK with that then enjoy it as long as you want. If you're not OK with that move on - the sooner the better.

mtsnowrider said:

So if I can summarize: in this coupling (I won't call it a relationship) you are a hole and he is a tool.
If you are OK with that then enjoy it as long as you want. If you're not OK with that move on - the sooner the better.

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Good summary

stickygirl said:

Errr...'cuse me, but you're the first person to bring up guilt here and I'm not sure I'm liking the passive guilt-guilt thing you're labelling the 'classic female' response.
If a woman is looking for ...hmm... Let's see, someone who remembers her name in the morning or yes, even looking for something beyond a bj in the parking lot, then it's your problem if the woman thinks badly of you. I'm glad you have enough conscience to consider guilt, but that's for you to deal with, not something she has burdened you with.

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Of course you don't like it. You've been responding well within the basic feminine perspective I outlined. I see guilting all over the thread.

Bottom line is that, if he wants the good sex without getting entangled in some sort of emotional ties with a jerk--and if the jerk is good with that too--he needs to have basic male perspective kick in. (which is what a whole lot of other posters here are saying, but using different words than I have).

And as I've also noted, he's likely to go the way of some degree of the basic feminine perspective (which is fine) rather than being able to adopt the basic male perspective and just enjoy good fucks simply because he wouldn't have asked the question on this forum if he wasn't already in a feminine perspective.

I know you're being ironic with your stereotypes, but I'm not sure if you're not painting yourself into a corner. If all a man can bring is meaningless fucks then why not more faith in double-A batteries?

stickygirl said:

I know you're being ironic with your stereotypes, but I'm not sure if you're not painting yourself into a corner. If all a man can bring is meaningless fucks then why not more faith in double-A batteries?

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I'd suggest switching to Li-Ion batteries. My faith in double-A batteries has been destroyed by them dying at the most inopportune moments.

The outdated biological theory he's using has become an unfortunately pervasive social construct.

http://www.psmag.com/culture/casual-sex-men-women-not-so-different-after-all-28451

http://www.pnas.org/content/110/33/13328.abstract

If it makes the OP feel any better, I'm frequently accused of "thinking like a guy" because I'm comfortable with guilt-free casual sex.

At the end of the day though, sr71plt is right in that you're only going to get the one answer. Either reconcile yourself to enjoying a good fuck with or without guilt, look harder for redeeming personality qualities you could learn to appreciate and found a relationship on, or drop the guy.

stickygirl said:

I know you're being ironic with your stereotypes, but I'm not sure if you're not painting yourself into a corner. If all a man can bring is meaningless fucks then why not more faith in double-A batteries?

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I clearly posted that the basic feminine perspective isn't restricted to females and the basic male perspective isn't restricted to males--that either gender can play either or gradations of both perspectives. Thus, any given man could bring as much emotion and commitment to a sexual relationship as any given woman can--but it's quite typical of the basic feminine perspective to throw up the extremist attack that you have.

That's what's happening with the OP. He's struggling with what perspective to take on the issue he poses. He's attracted to someone he calls a jerk purely for a satisfying sex act. If he can be satisfied with that, he's engaging the basic male perspective--and in the sex act itself, there's no ipso facto requirement for emotional commitment (although the basic feminine perspective wants there to be--and, as is happening on the thread, will offer it up as the only legitimate choice--and in that process will demonize what I posted as you have as part of the defense thrown up). The basic feminine perspective is threatened by the basic male perspective (and the basic male perspective doesn't really give a shit if it is).

The OP wouldn't have posted the question if he wasn't letting the basic feminine perspective that can play inside him to nag him away from just having a jolly good unemotional sports fuck workout. To the extent it does guilt him, he won't want to pick the unattached sex act, because he can't detach from emotion--and someone then will get hurt.

I can completely understand that your basic feminine perspective requires to fight that. It goes with the territory of the basic feminine perspective.

Someone reacting from their basic male perspective will shrug and say that's just going to have to be your problem.

And in throwing up your defenses by attacking from here (from the basic feminine perspective need to reject anything not giving them protection), let's not get into me personally and what perspectives I operate from--because I'm not the OP, and you have no idea how I've related to any lovers I've had or prefer to relate to them.

I don't understand how the sex can be great, particularly with a control dynamic, if you think this guy is a jerk

Personally I couldn't spend time with him outside the bedroom if I had so little respect for him and that would affect the sex eventually

You could shag him out of your system or tell him you only want him for sex but pretending to be his partner when you despise him will kill your mind slowly

At least you know what you're looking for - the right person is out there somewhere

Thank you for all your beautiful and helpful words, but alas, the worst has happened! He's dumped me, and I, being who I am, am in a very bad place right now :/ Hopefully things would look up after a while, but right now, it's time to put on Dido with a tub of ice cream

Seamen said:

Thank you for all your beautiful and helpful words, but alas, the worst has happened! He's dumped me, and I, being who I am, am in a very bad place right now :/ Hopefully things would look up after a while, but right now, it's time to put on Dido with a tub of ice cream

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Sorry for your loss and your hurt