Things you NEVER want to hear while having sex

"Was that the oven timer going off? I don't want the roast to be burnt. Maybe we should put on the vegetables now? Did you chop them like I asked you to? You made them all the same size, didn't you? You didn't do those big chunks and then some very small like last time. It does so make a big difference if some of the vegetables are big and some are small. No, I don't think huge crunchy chunks of carrot can be described as 'al dente'. That is not funny. Oh, you're not very stiff any more, are you? Do you think you might have a little problem, sweet pea?
"Did you shell the peas ...?"
 
You know that impression of Ken Diff you do...? Do it now...

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Worst. Cum-face. Ever.
 
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You want to know my name, you just yelled it. "I'm God... But you can call me Jehovah!"
 
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