Please allow me to introduce myself, la la la

I'm Hypoxia [gasp!] Smurf. Some of you may have read my story submissions here. Some of you may have seen the few pieces (so far) that are posted at poems. More are in the queue, and more will join them. I'll explain.

I am more a songwriter than a poet. Yes, I've written free verse. Yes, I write a lot of haiku -- but I often try to force-fit my haiku into 12-bar blues format. It can be done... with a large enough hammer. I mostly think of my non-prose writings as song lyrics. Many even have melodies and harmonic structures!

(Poets get little respect in the Anglophone world. Songwriters get paid, at least.)

I write some love songs, some romantic songs, but I mostly write rude songs and parodies. (I'll eventually post my version of a Bill Haley classic; mine is called SEE YA LATER, MASTURBATOR.) I have a folder filled with zillions of such, mostly pretty bad. I am now revisiting and revising those, and posting likely candidates here.

Much of my work is NOT suitable on LIT. Here's one I won't post:

(Doing The) MONTEZUMA TROT

[slow jittery waltz w/ tubas]

When you're hot, you're hot (hot)
And when you're not, you're not (not)
So give it all you've got (got)
Doing the Montezuma Trot (trot)
-
Suck some hot microbes (robe)
And another batch for the road (road)
An inside war's being fought (hot)
Doing the Montezuma Trot (trot)
-
[bridge:]
. Your body's shot to hell
.. You squirted foul juices and smells
... You twitched, spasmed and fell
.... The pathologists knew you well
-
Turn bright red and green (green)
From your ears, blow off steam (steam)
Now give it all you've got (got)
Doing the Montezuma Trot (trot)

There you have it -- an exclusive! I'll be selective on what I do post, I promise.

I have to say that I think your post is completely inappropriate! Mwahaha. Couldn't say it with a straight face.

Ya shoulda put it on my Shits and Giggles thread

It tends to be quieter over here. So thanks for the fun splash (belly flop?) into the poetry pool.

Trixareforkids said:

I have to say that I think your post is completely inappropriate! Mwahaha. Couldn't say it with a straight face.

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Oh, you want inappropriate? Visit Guatemala and listen to the chants of the women on the streets selling handmade crafts (often brilliant fabrics) as they walk about:

Buy One From ME-ee

Buy one from ME-ee!
Special for YOU-ou!
How much you PAY-ay?
So buy a-NOTHER one!
-
All made by HA-and!
I made it my-SE-elf!
What color you WA-ant?
Buy one from ME-ee!
-
Wha-at's you NA-ame?
Whe-ere you FRO-om?
Th-ey talk SPANISH there?
Buy one from ME-ee!
-
Only a HUN-dred!
Quetzal's, not DOL-lars!
I got one your SI-ize!
Buy one from ME-ee!
-
Buy one of MI-ine!
This one is DIFF-rent!
You gonna LIKE it!
Buy one from ME-ee!
Buy one from ME-ee!
Buy one from ME-ee!

Ya shoulda put it on my Shits and Giggles thread

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Oooh, that sounds like fun. Bump it so I can see it, okay?

It tends to be quieter over here. So thanks for the fun splash (belly flop?) into the poetry pool.

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I've noticed that poetry gets fewer views but more comments. Maybe I can promote a few of my better songs and drag more eyeballs over here. Stay tuned for CIMARRON ROSE (that pump-suckin', stump-thumpin', pearl-handled Texican grrl) and EVEN FEMALE PENGUINS PROSTITUTE THEMSELVES FOR A PEBBLE.

I like you already. You're wrong in just the right way

I'm off to do da bumpity thing.

Trixareforkids said:

I like you already. You're wrong in just the right way

I'm off to do da bumpity thing.

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Happy bumpola!

welcome!

happy postings

Welcome to the PoBo. Here is your survival kit. Good luck.

Tsotha said:

Welcome to the PoBo. Here is your survival kit. Good luck.

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Thank you! Yes, an empty sack, same as I was issued at birth and graduation. Survival? A waiting game that trends toward the inevitable. Throw the loaded dice, and hope.

Meanwhile, I'm posting pieces from my SONGS OF SEX AND DEATH folder. Much doggerel and rhyme; a few bright zirconium crystals buried in the equine manure; moving targets for criticism (well-deserved). How will these be received? Depends on how they're consumed. I recommend a scoop of xalapeño salsa.

SONGS SEX AND DEATH

catchy title

butters said:

SONGS SEX AND DEATH

catchy title

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Thank you.

Cribbed, of course, from the old Print Mint seriesTALES OF SEX AND DEATH. Ramsey Campbell stole that title more directly. I have another folder of songs inspired by the Print Mint series INSECT FEAR but those might not go over too well on LIT. Mated by a giant praying mantis or penetrated by an immense wasp or mosquito probably violates the LIT bestiality ban.

Hypoxia said:

Thank you.

Cribbed, of course, from the old Print Mint seriesTALES OF SEX AND DEATH. Ramsey Campbell stole that title more directly. I have another folder of songs inspired by the Print Mint series INSECT FEAR but those might not go over too well on LIT. Mated by a giant praying mantis or penetrated by an immense wasp or mosquito probably violates the LIT bestiality ban.

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Ugh one of those pictures has 8 legs and perhaps someone should point out it is not an insect!!

Hypoxia said:

Thank you.

Cribbed, of course, from the old Print Mint seriesTALES OF SEX AND DEATH. Ramsey Campbell stole that title more directly. I have another folder of songs inspired by the Print Mint series INSECT FEAR but those might not go over too well on LIT. Mated by a giant praying mantis or penetrated by an immense wasp or mosquito probably violates the LIT bestiality ban.

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*quirks eyebrow* That reminds me of a few weird horror tales. But yeah, I don't think "mated by a giant praying mantis" would last very long, if it was even published.

Tsotha said:

*quirks eyebrow* That reminds me of a few weird horror tales. But yeah, I don't think "mated by a giant praying mantis" would last very long, if it was even published.

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Well, let's see:

MY GIANT PRAYING MANTIS - [fast tekno beat]

O one spring day, everything changed
O I fell in love with my giant praying mantis
She's so fast and strong, she's so slim and long
And she's got those eyes, eyes that hypnotize
And she's got those arms and her insectile charms
-
[chorus:]
O I'm so in love, O I'm so in love
With my giant praying mantis
With my giant praying mantis
With my giant praying mantis
-
O one spring night, everything turned out right
O I fell in love with my giant praying mantis
All my friends say I'm a fool and I better stop my drooling
And I gotta regain my cool and I better go back to school
But I'm lost in a trance and I'm gonna lose my pants
[chorus]
-
O now I'm so in love and I'm helpless as a dove
Now I now that I'm a jerk and I know that this can't work
'Cause we have dif'rent complexions, we go dif'rent directions
And we have dif'rent religions and very different digestions
And our reproductive organs only fit together by forcing
And she'll only bite my head off
And devour me when she's done with me
[chorus]

Hypoxia said:

O now I'm so in love and I'm helpless as a dove
Now I now that I'm a jerk and I know that this can't work
'Cause we have dif'rent complexions, we go dif'rent directions
And we have dif'rent religions and very different digestions
And our reproductive organs only fit together by forcing
And she'll only bite my head off
And devour me when she's done with me
[chorus]

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Very good.

And now I'm stuck picturing sex with a giant mantis.

Tsotha said:

Very good.

And now I'm stuck picturing sex with a giant mantis.

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Could be worse. I listened to a CBC discussion this morning about the novel "bear" by marian engel.
It's about a bored woman starting a sexual relationship with a bear who lives in her shed.
Can't shake the images.
Crazy canucks

pensivepoet said:

Could be worse. I listened to a CBC discussion this morning about the novel "bear" by marian engel.
It's about a bored woman starting a sexual relationship with a bear who lives in her shed.
Can't shake the images.
Crazy canucks

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If it were a were-bear, it would qualify for LIT. Same with a were-mantis. As it happens, I found a 4in / 10cm mantis walking across my desk yesterday. I carefully put her outside on the covered back porch. This morning, she's hanging on the FRONT porch fan. Too small for sex, but one can dream, right?

Re: crazy canucks: Have you seen any stories about bestiality or were-sex with moose, caribous, wolverines, walruses, manitous, etc? Should be natural subjects, eh? Of course we all know about R.Crumb's classics of sasquatch sex. And were-walrus sex would just be a sub-genre of selkie stories. But I think werewolverine sex is a rich untapped vein of sensuous storytelling. And poetry and song.

i love my little walrus and i hope that he loves me
although i live upon the shore and he stinks of the sea
he never brushes his nasty tusks but i love him anyway
he always arrives at sundown -- we have all night to play

etc

Coo coo ca choo
Moose eh? Hmmm...not sure i could do a critter that charges freight trains.

pensivepoet said:

Coo coo ca choo
Moose eh? Hmmm...not sure i could do a critter that charges freight trains.

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I have a brother-in-law with that predilection. Dumb as a moose. About as large. And smelly. And determined.

I have had close moose encounters. None sexual, whew.

* Lounging in a hot spring near the Arctic Circle in Alaska under the aurora-charged night sky with moose walking by, not six feet away.
* Walking in Utah's Wasatch range when I noticed a young moose on one side of me and mama on the other side -- I stepped away quickly.
* Stopped in a porcupine-filled valley in Yukon and a moose walked by, her belly-bottom on level with my pickup's roof.

Bear encounters, too.

* I chased a black bear down a road in Near Mt Hebo, Oregon, its fuzzy butt flapping as it ran in front of me.
* Two cubs and their mama jumped over my sleeping bag (with me in it) at a Crater Lake campground one night.
* Bears rifle my neighbors' trash cans, right here near Lake Tahoe, so I don't take out garbage till an hour before the trash truck is due.

No walrus encounters. I've been up-close (six feet away) from sea lions at a beach near Sana Cruz, California. Bad breath, let me tell you! And I've dodged harbor seals lounging on the coast highway near Hearst Castle. No wolverine nor werewolverine meets. No manitous, whew. A few embodied dust devils. Alien abductions? I wouldn't remember, now would I? And no giant mantids. Yet. But the day is young.

Hypoxia said:

I have a brother-in-law with that predilection. Dumb as a moose. About as large. And smelly. And determined.

I have had close moose encounters. None sexual, whew.

* Lounging in a hot spring near the Arctic Circle in Alaska under the aurora-charged night sky with moose walking by, not six feet away.
* Walking in Utah's Wasatch range when I noticed a young moose on one side of me and mama on the other side -- I stepped away quickly.
* Stopped in a porcupine-filled valley in Yukon and a moose walked by, her belly-bottom on level with my pickup's roof.

Bear encounters, too.

* I chased a black bear down a road in Near Mt Hebo, Oregon, its fuzzy butt flapping as it ran in front of me.
* Two cubs and their mama jumped over my sleeping bag (with me in it) at a Crater Lake campground one night.
* Bears rifle my neighbors' trash cans, right here near Lake Tahoe, so I don't take out garbage till an hour before the trash truck is due.

No walrus encounters. I've been up-close (six feet away) from sea lions at a beach near Sana Cruz, California. Bad breath, let me tell you! And I've dodged harbor seals lounging on the coast highway near Hearst Castle. No wolverine nor werewolverine meets. No manitous, whew. A few embodied dust devils. Alien abductions? I wouldn't remember, now would I? And no giant mantids. Yet. But the day is young.

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This comes to mind.

Thanks tsoth, that made me laugh out loud.

Then there was the time a squirrel picked my pockets. Maybe that doesn't count.

EDIT: Okay, I'll document the event.

PICKPOCKET SQUIRREL

at the Fleishhacker Zoo
sitting on a wispy bench
minding my own business
a grey squirrel approaches
beady eyes, greedy hands
frisks me, head to toe, every pocket and gap
pulls the granola bar from my blouse
removes Chiclets from the jacket beside me
leaves my pens and notebook undisturbed
writer's immunity

That reminds me of the time me and ol Dan'l Boone were riding our camels through the blue ridge mountains, sun blazin down on our sombreros that we stole from pancho villa.
Anyway, like i was saying, there was 8 feet of snow and the squirrel's nuts was all frozen...
~where'd we get the camels?
Well, that's another story
Anyway,...shit. Where was I?

And this reminds me of a favorite in my house

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0nKG_O0Ei_o

You just got served

Trixareforkids said:

And this reminds me of a favorite in my house

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0nKG_O0Ei_o

You just got served

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Well, where there's nuts, there's bound to be squirrels. This board pretty much proves the theory.