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Help me to understand what this means

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victorious

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Right before I told my wife that I was going to retire in May of this year, she asked me this question:

"Do you want to retire or do you want to die?"

Any help in understanding what this means, especially from those trained in professional counseling would be greatly appreciated.
 
A friend of the family always says he'll never retire. He likens retirement to just giving up. I think he believes that once he's not a "productive" member of society, he'll waste away.

Maybe she thinks the same way?
 
It means she doesn't want you around all day. The old saying "I married you for better or worse but not for lunch."

A novel approach would be to talk to your wife about what she means by it.
 
victorious said:
Right before I told my wife that I was going to retire in May of this year, she asked me this question:

"Do you want to retire or do you want to die?"

Any help in understanding what this means, especially from those trained in professional counseling would be greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...

Perhaps she has read that statistics that all other things being equal, retired folks are thought to die younger.

There are a lot of statistics like that that may or may not apply to the person we are talking about.

For example, a widower tends to die sooner than one who is outlived by his wife.

In both cases it has to do with routines, and the way one cares for one's self.

As long as you stay active in some way, hobby, volunteering, traveling, whatever I say retire.

An alternative explanation is she is threatening to kill you. Your daily absence is just long enough for her to gather her resolve and restrain her homicidal urges.
 
victorious said:
"Do you want to retire or do you want to die?
Click to expand...

I'm no professional, however since she said this before you told her that you are going to retire ... I'd imagine that she thinks that your job is bad for your health. Sort of like asking an addict, "Do you want to quit or do you want to die". Is (was) your job stressful? Your best bet is to ask her.
 
Reply to all posts

Thanks for your information.

I have not retired outright- even though I am not going out of the house every day and working outside of the house, I am still working from home in a a consulting capacity with different companies and on different projects in both the public and private sector.

I am keeping myself occupied.

To me, the comment she made I take as a threat, not a comment made out of love.

The real person is now coming out after I retired- not one who loved me for who I am, but one who only loved me for the money I made.
 
victorious said:
Thanks for your information.

I have not retired outright- even though I am not going out of the house every day and working outside of the house, I am still working from home in a a consulting capacity with different companies and on different projects in both the public and private sector.

I am keeping myself occupied.

To me, the comment she made I take as a threat, not a comment made out of love.

The real person is now coming out after I retired- not one who loved me for who I am, but one who only loved me for the money I made.
Click to expand...

Funnily enough when you first mentioned what she said I had a mental image of her clutching something sharp and shiny. I'm not sure what people expect when it comes to collecting a pension and donning the lap blankets but I assumed something better than this!
 
Update

She just told me that we have to move from the place we have been in (renting) for the past 5 years and the one our landlord has offered to sell to us because she has gotten sick from being around tumbleweeds (we live in the California Desert). The tumbleweeds are not on our property- they are on the vacant land that surrounds our property and-is owned by absentee landlords.

I asked her why she did not tell me before we moved into this house (on a quarter acre lot) that she was allergic to tumbleweeds- her reply- I did not know.

She feels it is my responsibility to clear out all of the tumbleweeds from all of the land around our property. There are no tumbleweeds on our property- our property in the back is fenced in. The front yard has no weeds because we planted wildflowers, plants and trees.
 
Explanation for her question-Do you want to Retire or Do you Want to Die?

victorious said:
Right before I told my wife that I was going to retire in May of this year, she asked me this question:

"Do you want to retire or do you want to die?"

Any help in understanding what this means, especially from those trained in professional counseling would be greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...

I asked her just now to explain what she meant by if I retire I would die.

She told me that what she meant was that because I retired, I would not live long. She doesn't know me- I am still very active in retirement- doing new things- just not working full time 40 plus hours per week.
 
victorious said:
I asked her just now to explain what she meant by if I retire I would die.

She told me that what she meant was that because I retired, I would not live long. She doesn't know me- I am still very active in retirement- doing new things- just not working full time 40 plus hours per week.
Click to expand...

And you appear to not know or understand her. I've seen a little of your other thread and you've mentioned your wife is from another country. I don't know if it has anything to do with it, but perhaps this is a culturally influenced thing for her.

Also, if her own flesh and blood was willing to fuck her over, I'd think she has some trust issues. I'm not defending her actions so far, but offering what I think could be a factor in her behavior.

If she's worried about how long you'll live, I assume she cares about you; at least a little.
 
JtohisPB said:
I mean, there's a whole lot going on here between your two threads. Didn't you say you two were separating?

Regarding the tumbleweed issue, I'm sure it's difficult to get rid of them, that they come back. (I truly know little about them). Yet, why wouldn't you try to get rid of them if they make her sick?

My husband is allergic to grass; I cut the grass. He breathes easily. This just makes sense to me. My daughter is sensitive to dust; it triggers an asthma attack. The rest of us do the dusting. Simple.[/QUOTE

No more tumbleweed issue- Just finished clearing all the remaining ones from around the property- been out there for the past several hours- taken out by their roots-

What will be the next issue?
Click to expand...
 
Issue of the house and having to move

Sat her down just now and asked her point blank what is wrong with the house.

Found out the house is not the issue at all-

Issue is it is not big enough for her to take care of all the stray and loose dogs in our area.

I did buy a large 2.5 acre parcel of land which I am paying off outside in the rural area where a rescue facility can be set up. Originally she wanted to have the rescue only there and we would stay in the house. Now, her plan seems to be everything has to be at the land site- so instead of just the rescue run by people and us together, have to look into putting a home up on the site as well- cost just increased by 30-40 dollars, compared to just of the rescue of 6-8 thousand.
 
I can feel secure in myself knowing that anytime she asked for something, I gave it to her.

She wanted to plant flowers in the front and back of the house? Done- bought her the flowers, seeds, and helped her plant.

She wanted to bring in new dogs after two of our older guys passed? Done- Brought them in and gave them a home- had to buy several large dog crates for them but did not flinch.

She wanted for us to buy a retirement place in the Philippines to have as a vacation place and had one of her sisters get it for us- done- paid out 10,000 us dollars (500,000 pesos) for it- however, found out it never was bought by the sister for us- she used the money for her own family.

Any time she has ever asked me for anything, I have never refused her.

I just don't get this behavior of hers.
 
I have also done everything I can to make her the center of attention. I will surprise her with gifts, bring dinner home so she doesn't have to cook, make her breakfast in the morning before going to work, take care of the dogs and watering of the plants before going to work- Want to spend time alone with her- always comes up with some excuse- Want to take her out for dinner- excuse as to why she can't.

Just don't get it.
 
victorious said:
I just don't get this behavior of hers.
Click to expand...

You're an engineer. Women are outside of our domains of comprehension.

However, you're in a particularly difficult situation. When you've gone broke and have nothing more to give, I think you'll find freedom...and understanding.

Regarding the tumble weeds...they grow because they've grown before. If you consistently clean them up, before they have a chance to seed, then you'll have very few of them. It'll take a few seasons though. Goatheads are the same way.

Take care.
 
Between this and your other thread it sounds as though her behavior isn't just strange it's very likely clinical. If that's the case then it's only going to get worse.

My advice (based on seeing what happened to the family of a friend) is to make sure she doesn't have access to any of the finances. People who are prone to impulsive or erratic behavior can empty a savings account or accumulate debt in amounts that are truly stunning. (In the situation of the couple my friend knew when the husband passed his wife discovered that he'd cashed out everything and borrowed as much as he could get. She was left more or less destitute.)

Outbursts of rage--lashing out suddenly and over small things.
Forgetting things to a high degree. Things such as leaving a pot on the stove until it catches fire could be an indication of minor blackouts or mini strokes. I sincerely hope you've made sure that she isn't driving. A few seconds of 'forgetfulness' behind the wheel could have much greater consequences than a scorched pot.
Impulsive and irrational decisions like deciding to go home to another country then to give up everything to be a missionary then to start a business then to run a shelter for stray dogs all apparently in the last few months if I'm reading these posts correctly.
Seemingly random demands that MUST be met like clearing ALL the tumbleweeds that have never bothered her in the past.

These are not relationship issues. These are health issues and you may need to face the fact that she is moving toward needing some sort of care. You need to be aware also that she could easily become a danger to herself or others.

She NEEDS to get some help. Lie if you have to, tell her that the insurance company insists that you both get physicals because of some new policy they've implemented.

God Bless
 
Thanks for the helpful suggestions.
I can tell you that won't work-just from past experience.
When we first married, she was suffering with a benign brain tumor that needed to be operated on- had to forcibly get her into the care of doctors through having her admitted to Psych for care and evaluation- got the help she needed- but to this day she is still angry with me for getting her the help which, by the way saved her life and prevented her from going blind.
 
A very honest, non-offensive question:

Why are you still with her? From your past posts, your wife seems to make your life a living hell. I understand there are some good aspects, that you created a life together. I get it. But it seems like she is sucking your energy, that you are giving, giving, giving and receiving nothing in return.

Trust me, I know what that is like. It's soul-draining, and exhausting and deprives you of all meaning of life.

But it's in your hands - not hers - to take charge of your life and your happiness. You cannot rely on the other to make you happy. Sorry bub, but them are the ways as my 98 year-old neighbour says.

If you are anti-divorce, then how about separating, living your lives completely separate? Is it really worth depriving both of you of the happiness you deserve (and do not find with each other)? After all, whatever you believe you only get one shot at this life - why waste it in misery when you do not have to?
 
After reading back through your older posts I now have some context. I apologize for not connecting the dots before, but I didn't recognize your username.

In your original thread here there was a fairly lengthy discussion about your wife's issues and participation in your marriage. In this post you wrote that you had moved on.

It seems to be relevant that you wrote :

victorious said:
For a time, I thought we would be able to work things out. Didn't happen. She was still the same person as before, and no change. Still only cares about what's important to her- gardening, cooking, and the dogs- and doesn't even have time for me.
Click to expand...

Is it safe to assume the since that since you're referring to her as your wife means that you've reconciled? I think that the details of how you progressed from moving on with your life (in that post) to reconciling your marriage would be helpful, if you would care to share them.

I think that it's safe to say that I'm a "stick to it" kind of guy myself, and I think that it's admirable that you are still working on your marriage. However, it sounds like the issues that caused your separation were never really addressed. How long have you been back together?

I'd be happy to chat with you in a PM if you don't want to dredge all of this back up here on the boards.

Best to you both
 
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