The Cheating Thread

In light of the Ashley Madison hacking and info release, I have a few questions.

If you've ever cheated on your spouse or significant other - or been the one someone cheated with - was it something you planned or did it just happen in the moment? Did you feel guilty afterward, or exhilarated and eager to cheat again? Do you consider sexual play online to be cheating, or does it have to be a face-to-face encounter to count as cheating? What, if anything, excites you about cheating?

I've never cheated on anyone I've been involved with, but I've been with three married women in real life and played with several online. Of the face-to-face encounters, one with with a woman who was living apart from her husband. He knew that she and I were dating, so I don't feel like she was cheating with me. Neither husband of the other two knew anything at all about me. Aside from the usual enjoyment I derive from sex, having another man's wife because she chose to be with me added an extra level of excitement and pleasure.

Feel free to add any cheating-related questions that you're curious about to the discussion.

Virtual cheating-yes but nothing in real life. I still consider it cheating. It's emotional rather than physical which could be considered worse.

Iceprincess12 said:

Virtual cheating-yes but nothing in real life. I still consider it cheating. It's emotional rather than physical which could be considered worse.

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Good point. One of the two women I was with whose husbands didn't know was a purely physical relationship. The other was primarily emotional. The first had no problem at all feeling guilty, while the second always somewhat torn by what she was doing...willing, but torn.

I am still on the fence as to whether virtual cheating is "cheating." I am sure it is something that wouldn't make the other party feel good, but not sure if it is cheating. Would like to hear others' thoughts on this -- although I think most folks believe virtual is also cheating.

Lit would be an interesting place to hear what people think. I have heard from people here who believe that they are just trying to get some needs met and mean no harm to their partner.

Bonafide_Blonde said:

I am still on the fence as to whether virtual cheating is "cheating." I am sure it is something that wouldn't make the other party feel good, but not sure if it is cheating. Would like to hear others' thoughts on this -- although I think most folks believe virtual is also cheating.

Lit would be an interesting place to hear what people think. I have heard from people here who believe that they are just trying to get some needs met and mean no harm to their partner.

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If my partner found out she would be pissed. I take that as it being cheating. But, call it a cop out or whatever, if I only had the vanilla sex life I'd lose my mind and leave.

I am conflicted on whether it is or not. Chatting with someone about sexual subjects, ummm no I don't think that is cheating, now chatting with someone with the intent of masturbating and getting or getting that someone off, now I think that is cheating.

Bonafide_Blonde said:

I am still on the fence as to whether virtual cheating is "cheating." I am sure it is something that wouldn't make the other party feel good, but not sure if it is cheating. Would like to hear others' thoughts on this -- although I think most folks believe virtual is also cheating.

Lit would be an interesting place to hear what people think. I have heard from people here who believe that they are just trying to get some needs met and mean no harm to their partner.

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I think answers can run the gambit here, but for most folks, if you are having sexual discussions your SO would not approve of and deliberately hiding it, you're cheating.

WiserSoutherner said:

I think answers can run the gambit here, but for most folks, if you are having sexual discussions your SO would not approve of and deliberately hiding it, you're cheating.

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Good points▲▲▲▲▲▲ if you are hiding it, you are cheating.

KinkyGAGuy said:

Good points▲▲▲▲▲▲ if you are hiding it, you are cheating.

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So, if doing things online can be considered cheating because the SO would be angry or upset if she/he found out about it, what makes people continue to cheat online? And, if the opportunity arose, would you cheat with someone in real life that you'd previously only cheated with online?

Nope, never cheated IRL and online I've only ever shared turn ons and fantasies.

CBHunter said:

So, if doing things online can be considered cheating because the SO would be angry or upset if she/he found out about it, what makes people continue to cheat online? And, if the opportunity arose, would you cheat with someone in real life that you'd previously only cheated with online?

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There are numorous reasons. Sometimes people want different things, sometimes people want additional things. Maybe they are not getting the fulfillment at home. Sometimes I think as human beings we weren't meant to be monogamous.

Some people have fetishes and desires their SO will not have any part of. Which is sad. Open your minds people.

To answer your last question. I have cheated in the past, was it worth it? Hell yes! Would I cheat again? Most likely no.

If you've ever cheated on your spouse or significant other - or been the one someone cheated with - was it something you planned or did it just happen in the moment? Did you feel guilty afterward, or exhilarated and eager to cheat again? Do you consider sexual play online to be cheating, or does it have to be a face-to-face encounter to count as cheating? What, if anything, excites you about cheating?

Love all the posts in regards to this topic. I have cheated on my spouse both online and irl and yes, I consider the cyber relationships cheating too! I joined lit about a year ago and quickly found myself in the middle of an emotional affair with a married man. It was not planned and quickly ended. What I found from that is how empty and sad my marriage was and how I deserved so much more. I had been on the fence for a long time about a physical affair but in March I decided to pursue a divorce and at the same time began my first physical affair. It wasnt until I mentally decided to leave my marriage that I could open myself to the idea of a physical affair. I have had 3 others since then, one pretty regularly. I have met various other men, all except one was married, thru lit since the original one and maintain that those relationships mean more to me than the physical ones. Sex is sex and it is a physical need that is being met. It is the day to day emotional investments that mean more to me in the emotional affairs. Either way, I dont believe anyone who says they are in a happy marriage but are just missing a piece and seek it elsewhere. It's not a happy marriage in my book if all your needs are not being met. Nothing about cheating excited me. And the thought of my spouse or theirs finding out or getting hurt by my or the other guys actions would really upset me. But we are all adults and have to live with the choices we make.

daddysbaby150 said:

Love all the posts in regards to this topic. I joined lit about a year ago and quickly found myself in the middle of an emotional affair with a married man. It was not planned and quickly ended. What I found from that is how empty and sad my marriage was and how I deserved so much more. I had been on the fence for a long time about a physical affair but in March I decided to pursue a divorce and at the same time began my first physical affair. It wasnt until I mentally decided to leave my marriage that I could open myself to the idea of a physical affair. I have had 3 others since then, one pretty regularly. I have met various other men thru lit since the original one and maintain that those relationships mean more to me than the physical ones. Sex is sex and it is a physical need that is being met. It is the day to day emotional investments that mean more to me in the emotional affairs. Either way, I dont believe anyone who says they are in a happy marriage but are just missing a piece and seek it elsewhere. It's not a happy marriage in my book if all your needs are not being met.

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Thanks for sharing your story and your insights. Wise words that everyone should consider thoroughly and carefully.

my wife and I

I've never cheated on my wife in all our years and I never will. I know to betray her would devastate her and I could never hurt her like that.

That said though, my thing is for my wife to have sex with other men. Years ago she did actually cheat on me with another man. I had a different attitude then and it almost ended our relationship. But we held it together and got past it. Soon after though I started to become aroused by her affair. So now I want her to do it again. Since I encourage it she could now sleep with a hundred different guys in a hundred days and I wouldn't consider it cheating.

KinkyGAGuy said:

There are numorous reasons. Sometimes people want different things, sometimes people want additional things. Maybe they are not getting the fulfillment at home. Sometimes I think as human beings we weren't meant to be monogamous.

Some people have fetishes and desires their SO will not have any part of. Which is sad. Open your minds people.

To answer your last question. I have cheated in the past, was it worth it? Hell yes! Would I cheat again? Most likely no.

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I know someone exactly like that.

He's into extreme kinky stuff but his girlfriend is to much of a vanilla princess to try any of them. But he's found someone else who gladly indulges on his fetishes and desires - so he has a win win both ways.

I have cheated, recently. But only after 20 years of happy monogamy with my wife, with whom I would still be faithful if she was the least bit interested in sex at all these days. (Menopausal and on anti-depressants. Not her fault, but still there it is.)

It's a complicated situation. I don't want the Other Woman, really--I want my wife. But she doesn't want me. So I have a choice: divorce the woman I truly love and find sexual fulfillment with someone new, or find something "on the side". I'm still relatively young; I just can't stand the thought of a possible 20 years of celibacy going forward, especially since our sex life in the past was regular and often.

And yes, I've considered asking her permission to play, but she's very insecure and also religious--there's no way she'd say yes, and just broaching the subject would send her into an emotional tailspin. It wouldn't be good. At all.

Am I conflicted about it? Hell, yes! And I don't know if it will last--sometimes after a tryst I get so depressed I can't stand it. But for now it is what it is, for better or worse.

Done my share of cheating over the years, both as a cheater, cheating on my ex, and with women and/or men who were cheating on their partners.

Been monogamous now for 17 years, since meeting my current lady.

I've only recently slept with a married person... or at least slept with a married person whose spouse didn't know about it. it was something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I always felt that the sensation of undermining someone's relationship was just way too mean, even though it was the main thing that turned me on about the idea....

but now that I've had the experience, I'm kind of hooked. It's something I did very deliberately, but I was never underhanded or unclear about my intentions; I never specifically said "if you come to my apartment and look at the tv in my bedroom, things are going to happen"... but the subtext was clear. he chose to be there, chose to be with me, and chose to cheat... and frankly the fact that he was cheating turned me on more than the actual sex.

kaitlyn_sun said:

I've only recently slept with a married person... or at least slept with a married person whose spouse didn't know about it. it was something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I always felt that the sensation of undermining someone's relationship was just way too mean, even though it was the main thing that turned me on about the idea....

but now that I've had the experience, I'm kind of hooked. It's something I did very deliberately, but I was never underhanded or unclear about my intentions; I never specifically said "if you come to my apartment and look at the tv in my bedroom, things are going to happen"... but the subtext was clear. he chose to be there, chose to be with me, and chose to cheat... and frankly the fact that he was cheating turned me on more than the actual sex.

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You've explained my motivaion far better than i ever could. For some, it is a real buzz.

My humble contribution to this topic is a basic observation I trust that everyone who is reading this thread can make on their own*.
Each and every answer to these questions is as personal and distinct as the Individual who is sharing them. There is no true Right or Wrong answer; just How do you feel about this. Let us all please continue to keep this in mind.

*I am using this as a compliment to say that everyone here is a smart, intelligent, observant, and mature adult.

BurningMonkey said:

I have cheated, recently. But only after 20 years of happy monogamy with my wife, with whom I would still be faithful if she was the least bit interested in sex at all these days. (Menopausal and on anti-depressants. Not her fault, but still there it is.)

It's a complicated situation. I don't want the Other Woman, really--I want my wife. But she doesn't want me. So I have a choice: divorce the woman I truly love and find sexual fulfillment with someone new, or find something "on the side". I'm still relatively young; I just can't stand the thought of a possible 20 years of celibacy going forward, especially since our sex life in the past was regular and often.

And yes, I've considered asking her permission to play, but she's very insecure and also religious--there's no way she'd say yes, and just broaching the subject would send her into an emotional tailspin. It wouldn't be good. At all.

Am I conflicted about it? Hell, yes! And I don't know if it will last--sometimes after a tryst I get so depressed I can't stand it. But for now it is what it is, for better or worse.

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A very close friend of mine is stuck in this very situation minus his wife being religious. They've been married close to 24 years and in their late 40's. He's very outgoing while she has become a stick in the mud. She's a lovely lady don't get me wrong, but knowing them from before they were married to now, she has changed. He tells me they might have sex now once every couple of months.
I know he wouldn't have any problems finding a one night stand or even someone to have an affair with. He's not a cheating bastard type, also she isn't cheating on him since she doesn't dress as good or make herself up like she use to.
What he really wants is for her to snap out of this funk, enjoy life till the end of days with her. He's suggested counseling, yet she won't consider it.
To me it's a tough call, not just for him but for anyone in this situation whether your a man or a woman.
Personally I believe you should enjoy life to the fullest. We're on this planet for a short time and we need to enjoy it.
This is the type of situation Ashley Madison is perfect for.
Telling your spouse I feel would be a big mistake. I believe that there are different levels of "cheating". This situation compared to just being a man whore or slut is completely different and somewhat justified. Being miserable and in a sexless marriage is more unhealthy than cheating. Every situation is unique and I wouldn't support going out and just screwing someone just because you can. If communication isn't working then it's up to you.

CBHunter said:

In light of the Ashley Madison hacking and info release, I have a few questions.

If you've ever cheated on your spouse or significant other - or been the one someone cheated with - was it something you planned or did it just happen in the moment? Did you feel guilty afterward, or exhilarated and eager to cheat again? Do you consider sexual play online to be cheating, or does it have to be a face-to-face encounter to count as cheating? What, if anything, excites you about cheating?

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We've both been cheated on in past relationships, can't say what their motive was. Glad we're not with them anymore.

We cheated on each other before we were married. Hers was a heat of the moment thing, but would have probably happened at some point. His was planned.

We were good friends with the people we cheated with, and there was lots of sexual tension between us. It was exciting to finally break through the tension and have hot sex (at least from our end) with them.

Since we have been married there has been no cheating, although we have swung with a few individuals and couples. Someone new is always exciting.

Not sure if online is cheating, but an emotional affair would be worse than a physical affair.

Have had the opportunity to cheat about 4 times in my life.

Never did it.

Surprised myself to be honest.

Too much to lose maybe?

Bonafide_Blonde said:

I am still on the fence as to whether virtual cheating is "cheating." I am sure it is something that wouldn't make the other party feel good, but not sure if it is cheating. Would like to hear others' thoughts on this -- although I think most folks believe virtual is also cheating.

Lit would be an interesting place to hear what people think. I have heard from people here who believe that they are just trying to get some needs met and mean no harm to their partner.

Click to expand...

For me, cheating is cheating. Whether it is online or in real life, if you are participating in something you know your partner would be upset about you doing behind their back so you hide it from them, then you are being dishonest and that's cheating.

Either you care enough about someone to not cheat or you don't care and so can break it off with them before pursuing something else.

And I'm not saying that cheaters are bad people. I know people who have cheated and I still love them and respect them. But they will be the first to tell you that what they did was wrong, even if that didn't stop them in the first place.

I know this sounds harsh and perhaps I'm biased as I've been cheated on in the past and it hurts. I mean, really hurts.

I've cheated on my wife multiple times, 99% of the time it's been with men. I've found that I enjoy sucking cock. One time was with another woman, but we just made out topless. It's always been planned when I do it, and sometimes I feel a little guilty, but it's normally exhilarating and I just forget about it til next time. I don't consider online play to be cheating, especially with strangers. I don't know if cheating "excites" me as much as it makes me feel like I'm getting the experiences I missed out on in high school and even college. I was never very wanted, but now I know there are people who want me, and I want to act on it.

CBHunter said:

If you've ever cheated on your spouse or significant other - or been the one someone cheated with - was it something you planned or did it just happen in the moment? Did you feel guilty afterward, or exhilarated and eager to cheat again? Do you consider sexual play online to be cheating, or does it have to be a face-to-face encounter to count as cheating? What, if anything, excites you about cheating?

Click to expand...