Pondering serious thoughts here..

I have questions of a serious nature that I would like to ask my Lit friends in hopes that they can help me with their replies...

*deep breath*

Were you abused as a child ? Do you feel that it affected your choices sexually as an adult and how you interact socially? Do you have thoughts or cravings or desires to do things because of the abuse? Things that some would not consider the "norm"? Would you share with us your experiences and how you feel it has changed how you may have grown sexually? I hope I am amking some sort of sense here . I would greatly appreciate all replies ... TIA

I was NEVER physically or sexually abused. Let us lay that to rest.

But I was verbally abused and harrassed for many years. I was NEVER a thin person. Ever. Chubby kid, chubby teen, overweight adult. It's how it's been. All of my family on my dad's side is like that.

From the age of ten, my mother began to put me on diets. She bought clothes that were too small for me, so that I would have to lose weight to fit them, or bear the remarks of peers. When I felt happy with being chubby in grade 4, she cut my hair very short, so that I was self-conscious about that. My dad used to throw very hurtful comments my direction, because that is how they thought they could 'help' me. I have ALWAYS been an active person. As a kid I was on sports teams, in high school I was involved in various sports teams, and now, I'm into sports and taking my dogs for long walks. Their comments spanned until I was 18. Then my mother realized that it wasn't me that bothered her, it was her own weight. And she realized how painful it must have felt to hear "you've got such a pretty face, if only you'd lose some weight" for 8 years. My dad still throws a barb my way, but he... he was raised by a crass, cantankerous man, and it is in the nature in the men of his family to be that way. He refuses to change. That is his choice. I don't let it hurt me anymore.

Did it affect me? Yes. I wore clothes that were always out of date and 'pretty', rather than clothes that were comfortable and that I enjoyed. I hated to go shopping as a kid and teenager, because I knew my mother would criticize anything I bought as being too tight or whatever for a fat person. I never wore makeup, never really bothered with my hair. I just didn't want to bother, there was no point.

When I was dating the first man I was ever intimate with, I was very afraid to have him see me nude. I had major intimacy problems because I never wanted anyone to see the stretch marks my mother had made me feel so shamed about. I was afraid to engage in certain activities because it would make my fat jiggle.

It affected me in other ways... I had two separate eating disorders in my teenage years. I began down that road as a way to shut people up, figuring if I didn't eat, I'd get thin, and people would just leave me alone (my peers were pretty cruel about my weight, as well).

I look at pictures that were taken of me in my 'thin' years, and I just want to love them and hate them at the same time. I look so pretty in them. I look so acceptable. But I know that behind that smile, I was angry, hurting and unhealthy. It reminds me of the pain.


*sigh* Wow. I'm teary-eyed....

And it just came to me... that maybe I am an exhibitionist because of all the abuse i went through? Maybe I love to show myself off because for the first time in my life, I love what I see in the camera. I am happy in slinky nighties and scandalous underwear, or naked, with people I love and trust.. I am comfortable with having people who don't know me see me nude and vulnerable because I finally love myself, and my parents' and my peers' opinions no longer matter.

Maybe.. *shrug* I don't know...

Hi Mistress

I was abused as a child. I have found that I would seek relationships with people who were emotionally unavailable, or just have a sexual relationship. This prevented me from becoming emotionally involved and thus, kept me from getting hurt.

I understand now that I was replaying the things that had happened in my life, that I was seeking men who were not interested in me, but only wanted me for sex. This worked for a while, but when your whole identity is based on you as a sexual being, it limits how much you can grow as a person. It has taken a long time for me to realize that what I was doing was hurting just me, and not the men that I was using, "loving and leaving". I have begun changing the way that I think about myself and what things I have to offer.

I feel better about me as a person now that I have made the conscious decision to not be sexual with people I am attracted to right away. Hope this was helpful.

BE26

vixenshe said:

And it just came to me... that maybe I am an exhibitionist because of all the abuse i went through? Maybe I love to show myself off because for the first time in my life, I love what I see in the camera. I am happy in slinky nighties and scandalous underwear, or naked, with people I love and trust.. I am comfortable with having people who don't know me see me nude and vulnerable because I finally love myself, and my parents' and my peers' opinions no longer matter.

Maybe.. *shrug* I don't know...

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Thank you so much Vixen. Thank you.

BrownEyes26 said:

Hope this was helpful.

BE26

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Yes it was ... thank you...

I was never abused as a child and I adore both of my parents. Having said that, I still want to recognize that they did have an effect on my sex life, as much as I hate to say it.

When I was 12 it became very obvious that something wasn't right with my parents sex life. They were very close friends with another couple. We vacationed together. One of my mom's best friends was a man who would drop by the house after we were asleep. Anyway, they had an open marriage and became more and more involved in S&M. It was totally their choice, but we met 3 or 4 of my dad's subs.

Until recently, I wasn't sexually active, so it didn't matter at all. However, I realized that I don't take sex nearly as emotionally as most of my friends do, and I attribute that to this influence in my teenage years. If sex=love, then my father was cheating on my mother and I didn't want to see it that way. So sex doesn't equal love, at least not to me.

CuteJenn said:

I was never abused as a child and I adore both of my parents. Having said that, I still want to recognize that they did have an effect on my sex life, as much as I hate to say it.

When I was 12 it became very obvious that something wasn't right with my parents sex life. They were very close friends with another couple. We vacationed together. One of my mom's best friends was a man who would drop by the house after we were asleep. Anyway, they had an open marriage and became more and more involved in S&M. It was totally their choice, but we met 3 or 4 of my dad's subs.

Until recently, I wasn't sexually active, so it didn't matter at all. However, I realized that I don't take sex nearly as emotionally as most of my friends do, and I attribute that to this influence in my teenage years. If sex=love, then my father was cheating on my mother and I didn't want to see it that way. So sex doesn't equal love, at least not to me.

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/threadjack
Sex doesn't & shouldn't equal love, sounds like they raised you in a more healthy way than "normal"
/thread

I am not sure what happened to me was abuse.

But anyway it seems that the more that happened to me the more I went into myself. Its only since I realized that I am a freaky pervert that I found that I can be free.

I can get all of those voices out of my head when I do alot of what I do.

Thank you to the replies so far! Please keep them coming ....

No, I was never abused as a child. (And working in Children's Protections Services, I have seen just how badly some adults can abuse those who are most defenseless in our society!)

However, my mother did do this "thing" that has affected my relationships until just recently. No matter who I would date, she would find fault with them. They had long hair or didn't drive a nice car or didn't have a good job (okay, so what kind of job is a 17 year old guy supposed to have?!?!) or they didn't have a college education. It got to the point where I just didn't want to deal with her opinions about me never, ever choosing the "right" man. So, I never brought anyone home to meet the parents. For many years, my mom thought I was living a life free of men and that I never dated.

When I finaly brought a man home to meet her when I was just shy of 40, she began with her old tricks again. She couldn't be bothered with remembering his name, she didn't like his choice of career, he had not finished college, yada, yada, yada. When he and I broke it off and became friends, she appeared shocked and began to tell me what a "nice guy" he was. And she suddenly remembered his name on a regular basis.

When I started dating my current partner, I decided she was no longer going to treat me (or him) as though we were both just 2 16 year olds that she had total control over. I guess you could say that, for the first time in my life on the last remaining issue, I finally stood up to her. After I introduced her to him, and she kept calling him "that guy" or "that man", I challenged her to call him by name. She's been forced to accept that he is part of my life and even though he doesn't drive an expensive car, have a college education, and is Mexican (probably the biggest hurdle for her), I like him and I will spend time with him. Regardless of whether she likes him or even approves of him.

Sorry for the length of this post (goodness!), but I'm beginning to find a new found freedome in finally overcoming this single barrier that I've allowed to control me since I was in my teens. Has that been abuse? I don't know, really. But it feels so damn good to let those shackles fall off my ankles!

I'm asking this too , for those that have been abused , in anyway ... do you feel it affected how you choose to be sexually? The things you like about sex? Like D/s , bondage, role playing, techniques? How open you are in bed with others? How you carry yourself or let yourself go in bed or anywhere as the case may be?

As I mentioned, I think something of my parents abuse brings out the exhibitionist in me now. But my sexual behaviours are more the product of abuse suffered at the hands of people outside my home.

of course it affects your whole life,sex life as well.The worst thing,anyway,are the comments after what's happened,or ,worse the silence.Even when there hasn't been rape-and sex from an adult,is a form of abuse in any case-often,the guilt is something the child get from adults,even if for him there was nothing harmful;hence he will feel dirty and guilty for something that basically wasn't his /her fault,because the adult will tell him so.How many child will happily play sexual plays without knowing what they are doing,only to be screamed at,or even humiliated,by the parents or the adults?There's lie the seed of the guilt,the feeling of having purposefully done something wrong,when this is not the case at all.I did read in a book by shere hite about two girls aged 5 who did play some anal play with a tissue that did get stuck;after that,parents did call the doctor and did humiliate the two babies in front of him,or,in another book, ayoung child,did make smell her fingers to mommy oly to be told"it looks like you've put your hands in the garbage pail!".That's abuse too,from my point of wiew.No wonder of the success of the vagina monologues.
Anyway,everybody has been molded by his/her experiences,especially those.


"pueri maxima debetur reverentia"-Horace

Excuse me for sayng so,Vixenshe,i would like to hold you.(don't get me wrong,it's not pity,at all).


Sexychele,there's a book about your problem ,called "my mother myself" by N.Friday,i think you'll find it interesting.

Sat here for awhile thinking about your question before I decided to post. I havem't ever really talked to anyone about this, so maybe it is time. I was abused as a child, physically, emotionally and once, sexually. And as others have said, everything that happens when you are an innocent trusting child has an effect, up to the day you acknowledge it, realize it happened to you, not by you, and try to forgive.

I know it has effected relationships, both sexual and friendships. It is so hard to trust anyone, including myself....and I also tend to go for unavailable men, although I am working really hard on changing this one now. Sexually, well, don't know how much that was effected by the abuse, or the fact that my parents were very open about sex, but I have no real hang ups with anything....but I think that at times, I definitely take a more submissive role, as it is a natural self-defense move.....I just don't let the fact that it also turns me on worry me anymore.

As I have been working through my past and all my issues in this past year or two, all this is pretty fresh with me, but I have found that the more I acknowledge that it sucked, wasn't right or fair, and then try and forgive that it happened, the happier my life is, and I think a better direction it is heading.

Hope this may help a bit, not sure if I answered what you were asking, but wasn't as awful to share as I thought it would be.

Mysti

i would say mine falls more under neglect than anything.
My parents where a strange people. My dad was into drugs.....nuff said to that. My mom left for a year and won't admit it. She also puts the man before her kids.

So with that i am a very screwed up person, who really doesn't care about relationships that i have with other people. I understand that people come and people go. Mostly they went on me. SO you could say i have trust issues. When i think about it though.....i rather it this way. I can't see myself being any other way. Being nice to people and caring for common man is just not in me. I do not apologize for what i have said. This is my opinion, and i have had this opinion for about 8 years now. like i said i prefer it this way. I am not trying to be antisocial or anything. I am just being truthful and honest about how i turned out because of my parents and the people who came into my life. So the question is do you blame the parents or society?

I blame both, seeing how they have there seperate places in how they shape you, but they are both connected. Sorry for rambling here. Hope you don't mind.

Mysticcal ... I know in part of where you are coming from ... and in large part where Plasma is coming from ... you both made me cry. Thank you for sharing all of this .

Everyone who has replied ... you have my utmost respect . And you are loved.

so was it all the nad grammer that made you cry?

Being honest is the best thing. Being honest with yourself means you can come to terms with the problem faster and move on to better things.

Like my dad, yeah did drugs and still drinks (also a drug, plus ciggs.prove me wrong.) But you know we would talk about the past, he admitted a lot of stuff that he did when i was around and didn't try to make it an excuse for the way he was. So with that i came to an understanding with him and what i should and will always expect from him. He may not buy me things or send me cards on my b-day. You know what though, none of that matters to me. He calls me, i call him. We are honest with each other and do not hold back are thoughts. Its rather nice because i can finally trust him and tell him anything i choose to, and he won't judge me. I found out he is the nicest person in the world with one of sickest minds out there, I love him for that. And am proud to ne his son. Btw i told him this, and it was rather good.

my mom well............................................................

Well here goes....


From the age of 5 or so until I was maybe 9 or 10 I was left alone in a house full of people to be abused ( sexually ) by a distant relative . Imagine having your mom and dad right in the house as it was all going on . This person would even try things that no one could see , from only a few feet away . I would sometimes wake in the middle of the night with him doing all kinds of thngs to me . My mom claims that drugs and alcohol made her unable to notice this , but yet she was able to take care of a toddler and have the toddler with her at all times. We would have huge house gatherings and I would sit in the shadows on the staircase but still in view of everyone and he would take me upstairs and do things. I would just lay there and close my eyes very tightly and pray it would stop , crying inside and hoping for the love of God that someone would come up there and catch him.
They never did.
My mom and dad ( he was actually a step dad ) eventually split after I was 8 .... but I still had to go with him on visitations to his family and this person was there. He ( the step dad ) was getting remarried . That was the last time I ever went up there.
But living with my mom was no pinic either ... she was always gone . From age 10 through Jr high ... I was left alone . Men had tried to break in a few times in the middle of the night ... no one there with me . I cowered in my bed holding what I thought to be a shot gun ( was only a daisy BB geees) and stayed there til light came through the windows . Then I would have men calling the house telling me all sorts of fowl things they wished to do to a 10 yr old.
I kept this all of my other secrets to myself until I was in my twenties ...

When my mother found out , all she could ask was "Well , what did he do to you?" Purely out of morbid cuiousity. Nothing was ever done to this person . I DO know his wife left him because ofsome of the sexual things he had done.
And in recent years when I was trying to seek help and understanding of how all this could happen to me and aking why.... my mother's response was "You need to take responsibility for the bad things in your life" WTF??
And it has affected me in many areas of my life . And has helped me become the person that I am ... there is so much more to say ...
But I am asking for answers here from people and friends here because I know there are many who have experienced hurt , neglect , and abuse in many forms and it has affected there choices and tastes sexually .... Please keep posting for me . And thank you for opening your heart and replying .

sorry for running on...

HMmmmmmmmm......

"You need to take responsibility for the bad things in your life" WTF??

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um i sorta agree with her on this one. I mean, well you need to come to terms with what happened. yes it was a bad thing. At some point though you need to move past it. I hope you have. It is not healthy if it affects your life in such a way that you can not do anything.

Your mom said this for two reasons i think.
1) SO she would not have to deal with it directly. Rather moving them blame to you, so she can feel guilt free. In everyway it just makes her look more like a fool.

2) the later. You do need to come to terms with it. confront the person for it, well if you can. I know just by saying what you said made you feel better. I suggest finding someone you love and trust and tell them. Just keep talking about it. The more you talk about something, the less painful it will become.


As for the men trying to do
stuff, well all i can say is that i am there for you to comfort you if needed. I know talking will help, but thats reAlly all you can do about it really. Sorry for being logical.

i think i completly understand what you feel towards your mom. if what i am thinking is right?

Were you abused as a child ? Do you feel that it affected your choices sexually as an adult and how you interact socially? Do you have thoughts or cravings or desires to do things because of the abuse? Things that some would not consider the "norm"?

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it would scare the crap out of you and would want to make you hide in a corner. I am being very serious with this too. But for the most part its rainbows and butterflies.

hell it scares me too. But i kow it would take a lot to drive me towards this feelings. I must say i am very in control of my feelings.

My grandfather molested me when I was a kid. I told my mother about it a year after it happened. A year ago she told me she felt guilty about it because she left me with him knowing he had molested my aunt when she was a kid. I had never been mad at my mother for it til then, til I realized that she knew he had the potential to do that and she left me with him anyway. He was a really bad alcoholic and would black out for weeks at a time. He's been dry for almost 20 years now and he's a totally different person so I've forgiven him for it, it was only once anyway. As far as how it affected me, I gained weight in later years, I guess to push people away from me, to keep them away, so they wouldn't want me. The few serious relationships I've had the men have loved me for who I am and haven't seen me as being fat. I'd still love to lose weight, sure, but I've always felt that if someone didn't like me the way I am now then it's their loss. As far as my sexual preferences, I'm not sure if my molestation affected them at all, I think I would have always been a pretty sexually open person, my family is pretty loving so I think it would have been natural anyway.

And Mistress, you're a beautiful woman, and we all love you!

*hugs Mistress tight, kissing her forehead*

(If that offends you, please understand it is a gesture of care and protection, not sexual in any way)

Sweetie, my pm box is always open. Always.

jenlovesamy:

"it only happened once anyway"

I'm sorry... just reading that.. it... struck a chord.. but I don't know what kind.. makes me a bit angry... like you're playing down what happened... and yet... it's good that you've moved on...

weird.. I just don't know how to put words to that emotion that those words brought up.

MistressRain said:

Were you abused as a child ? Do you feel that it affected your choices sexually as an adult and how you interact socially? Do you have thoughts or cravings or desires to do things because of the abuse? Things that some would not consider the "norm"? Would you share with us your experiences and how you feel it has changed how you may have grown sexually? I hope I am amking some sort of sense here . I would greatly appreciate all replies ... TIA

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Hmmm...yes, I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused for the first 12 years of my life. It has affected almost everything i have done in my life. I am not drawn to men that much due to my earlier experiences (since all of it was by the male adult in my household). I do believe that the reason i crave extreme pain is because of the physical abuse and yet, since it is a turn on for me, I doubt if that will ever change. However, i do not use my earlier life experiences as a reason to cry, moan and mumble about my life. I chose to become what i am..based on what my life experience had taught me..ie that love and pain go hand in hand...that men are fun to play with but women are where i should get my emotional and mental fulfillment and that i am happiest when giving way to someone physically and emotionally stronger than me. I feel that no matter what some people say to the contrary, there are just some things You can not live down...so instead of trying to...find away to make them an integral part of You and take them from being Dirty to something that is Pure (if not neccesarily clean) Thanks for asking such a great question.