Humor Thread

Two Drunks

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"

The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".

I came across this joke and rememered it from many moons ago.
DG


Revenge Is Sweet

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

Handley_Page said:

Would a face best described with a value of one micro-Helen be enough to cancel the launch ?

Click to expand...

A microhelen might launch a leaky rowboat.

I FORGOT MY GLASSES


Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my

time. She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with

the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined

a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 75 years old and you're going

to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to

me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a

Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for

five jumps a week.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier.

I'm all for blokes growing a moustache for 'Movember'.

But did my wife have to join in ?

Being Green

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the much
older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because
plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green
thing' back in my earlier days."

The young clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your
generation did not care enough to save our environment for future
generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the 'green thing' in
its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles
to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and
over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery stores bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we
reused for numerous things, most memorable besides household garbage
bags, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our
schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property, (the books
provided for our use by the school) was not defaced by our
scribblings. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown
paper bags.

But too bad we didn't do the "green thing" back then.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every
store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't
climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two
blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the "green thing" in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the
throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling
machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry
our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes
from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But that young lady is right; we didn't have the "green thing"
back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in
every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief
(remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In
the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have
electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a
fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers
to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we
didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We
used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so
we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that
operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a
cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We
refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we
replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the
whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their
bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a
24-hour taxi service in the family's $45,000 SUV or van, which cost
what a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one
electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power
a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to
receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in
order to find the nearest burger joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old
folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
lesson in conservation from a smart ass young person...

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much
to piss us off...especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced
smart ass who can't make change without the cash register telling
them how much.

You know, DG, that text should be writ large in every store and school in the western world.

DG Hear said:

Being Green

...

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much
to piss us off...especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced
smart ass who can't make change without the cash register telling
them how much.

Click to expand...

I loved every bit of that and shared it via email and my fb page. Meanwhile, as someone who works in retail and has to deal with the public on the regular basis, I'm reminded of a cartoon I once saw tacked up behind the counter of a lumber and hardware store.

Cartoon: A stressed out looking man speaking to a very angry looking woman.
Caption (the man speaking): "We've allowed you to return the item and gave you back double your money. We've also agree to close the store down, fire the manager, and have the sales clerk who sold that item to you shot at dawn. Now are you happy?"

Because some people never are! I once had a customer who said the ONLY way she would be happy was if my salesperson had never made the mistake in the first place. I was left wondering how I could alter the fabric of time and space.

CarlusMagnus said:

A microhelen might launch a leaky rowboat.

Click to expand...

Only in your Bath.

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
'How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?'
She glanced at him and replied, 'You're never home!'


" Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing onlythe 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,

Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,

"What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

On Halloween I shouted through to the wife "Honey there's a witch at the door what shall I do?"

She replied, "Just give her some sweets and tell her to fuck off."

My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.

Handley_Page said:

If an alien in a galaxy 65 million light-years away is looking in his telescope at us now, all they can see is Dinosaurs.​

Click to expand...

Funny!! But true. Unless their light travels faster than ours.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

"Dress like a Kardashian", said the headline.
(Dorothy Perkins is a UK clothing chain who's advertisers seem unable to spell).

And there was a picture:


Hang on, I thought. Haven't I heard this name before ?
I had. Link.

Or maybe even this:

*Disclaimer - mildly racist humor ahead*

Well, the election results have conclusively proven what the Literotica interracial and LW categories has been crying all along.

"Once you go black, you can't go back."

A man decides to buy his wife a sexy gift for her birthday. He goes into a Victoria's Secret and selects a $500.00 sheer nightgown.

He presents it to her and she's thrilled. He says "Go upstairs, put it on and model it for me."

The wife thinks 'I'll look practically naked in this. I'll go upstairs, strip down, show myself to him nude from the top of the stairs, then return it and keep whatever he paid for it.'.

She says, "I'm ready," and then poses sexily for him at the top of the stairs, "How do I look?"

"For Christ's sake," he replies, "For five hundred bucks you'd think they'd iron the wrinkles out."

The funeral is next Thursday.

A guy goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I don’t feel so hot.” The doctor gives him a checkup, but the guy is fine physically. The doctor tells him, “You’re just suffering from a bout of depression. Here, let me hypnotize you and we’ll see if we can get to the root of the problem.”

So the guy is hypnotized and it comes out that he’s discontent with his life. What he really wants to do is go on an African safari and hunt gorillas, something he’s actually thought since he was a little child.

Just like that the guy is filled with energy and he bounds out the doctor’s office. He sells off his car and his home and he buys a ticket for Africa, so that he can pursue his dream.

Once he gets to Africa he frequents the local pubs in the town he’s staying in, the idea being that he can hire a safari guide. He keeps hearing this one guide’s name pop up. This guy is reputed to be the best safari guide ever. Since the fellow has a lot of money from the sale of all his worldly possessions, he decides that he can afford the best so goes off in search of this guide’s house.

Once he gets there, though, he finds only a ramshackle hut, the guide sitting in a rocking chair on the porch chewing on a piece of straw. Next to the man lies the biggest, meanest-looking dog the man has ever seen, also lazily chewing on a piece of straw. Keeping an eye on the dog, the man introduces himself and offers the guide $10,000 to go on a week’s safari in search of gorillas. Much to his surprise and dismay the guide turns him down. “Naw, I quit that profession. Too dangerous.” he says. So the man offers him $20,000. “I told ya, it’s too dangerous. Not worth the risks.” says the guide. Finally the man offers him $50,000 and the guide agrees to go gorilla hunting one last time.

“But first,” says the guide, “we hafta gather up some help.” First they go into the guide’s house and get a big net. “What’s the net for?” asks the man. “We’s goin’ to gorilla huntin’, ain’t we? says the guide, and the guy shuts up for fear of sounding stupid.

Next, they go back into town, with the dog following closely behind, and the guide takes them to a pygmy’s house. The guide instructs the man to hire the pygmy, at a cost of $10,000 a day. “This fellow is the best shot in Africa.” The man thinks the price is kind of steep; but he figures that that’s what you have to pay for the best. So he says okay and hires the pygmy, who grabs a huge elephant rifle that is almost the size of the pygmy.

The three men and the dog head off into the bush. The first man is most impressed by the fact that the pygmy makes a lot of obscene bodily noises and eats a disproportionate amount of their food. Just when he is about to mention this the guide whispers, “Shh!”, and points up the trail ahead of them.

Perched up in a tree, on a branch, is a small gorilla! The man quickly raises his rifle and takes aim, only to be chastised by the guide, who knocks the gun down and says, “You came here to Africa to hunt gorillas, didn’t cha? There’s no sport in shootin’ them. Here, I’ll show you how it’s done.”

The guide creeps down the trail, reaching the tree. He slowly climbs up to the branch that the gorilla is sitting on, then suddenly grabs the branch and begins to shake it wildly. The gorilla loses its balance and falls to the ground. As soon as it hits the ground the dog runs up to it and bites the gorilla’s balls off. The gorilla screams in pain and passes out. From there, it’s just a simple matter of throwing the gorilla in the net.

“Wow,” says the guy, “that was great! But what do we need the pygmy for? He may be the best shot in Africa, sure, but if we’re not going to shoot the gorills …” The guide just shrugs and says, “If the pygmy goes, I go.” So the guy just decides to be satisfied that he’s on safari, hunting gorillas, and he’s happy for the first time in a long time.

The next day they see a medium size gorilla sitting on a fairly high tree branch. Same thing, The guide shinnies up the tree, shakes the branch, the gorilla falls down, and the dog runs up and chomps his balls off.

“Fantastic,” says the man. But, are you sure we need the pygmy? I mean, he’s costing me $10,000 a day and all he does is eat our food and fart a lot.” “If he goes, I go.” says the guide, “and that’s the end of the subject.”

Day three – the trio spy a King Kong-sized gorilla sitting on a branch of a tree. He’d be a lot higher except for the fact that he’s weighing the tree and the branch down; that’s how big he is. The guide sizes up the situation and then goes into action, climbing up the tree until he’s at the branch that the huge ape is sitting on.

The guide begins to shake the branch. Nothing happens.

The guide crawls out onto the branch and begins to shake harder.
The gorilla, mimicking the guide, begins to shake back.

And just like that, the *guide* is falling out of the tree, instead of the gorilla.

And, as he is falling through the air towards the ground, the guide shouts out to the pygmy, “Shoot the dog! Shoot the dog!”

After the Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

Two elderly ladies were talking one day.

"Mildred, my memory has gotten so bad lately. I keep forgetting my password to get on my e-mail."

"I had the same problem, but found the perfect answer," replied Mildred.

"Oh my! Please share it with me," asked Betty.

"I changed my password to 'Incorrect'. That way when I log in the wrong password my computer will tell me, "Your password is Incorrect".

The game of dating...

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

Annual Physical

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

Battle of the Sexes

Husband: "Oh, come on."
Wife: "Leave me alone!"
Husband: "It won't take long."
Wife: "I won't be able to sleep afterwards."
Husband: "I can't sleep without it."
Wife: "Why do you think of things like this
in the middle of the night?"
Husband: "Because I'm Hot."
Wife: "You get hot at the darnedest times."
Husband: "If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you."
Wife: "If you love me you'd be more considerate."
Husband: "You don't love me anymore."
Wife: "Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight."
Husband: "Please...come on."
Wife: "All right, I'll do it."
Husband: "What's the matter? Need a flashlight?"
Wife: "I can't find it."
Husband: "Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!"
Wife: "There! Are you satisfied?"
Husband: "Oh, yes."
Wife: "Is it up far enough?"
Husband: "Oh!!!, that's good."
Wife: "Now go to sleep, and from now on
when you want the window open,
do it yourself!"

Handley_Page said:

If an alien in a galaxy 65 million light-years away is looking in his telescope at us now, all they can see is Dinosaurs.​

Click to expand...

Okay, this is my kind of humor! I'm laughing so hard right now -- and I opened this thread by mistake... I know, I have a wierd sense of humor.

"Permitted vehicles not allowed." - Road sign on US 27

"Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is." - Ron Fairley, Giants broadcaster

"He's passe. Nobody cares about Mickey any more. There are whole batches of Mickeys we just can't give away. I think we should phase him out." - Roy Disney, Walt Disney's brother, 1937.

Major league baseball bats are made of ash.
Cricket bats are made from white willow.